Packing: Glorious Morning
There are two sides to every coin. Whenever somepony falls too deep they need somepony to pick them up and when success seems to be coming from every direction there MUST be somepony or something to keep their hooves on the ground.
What if there truly isn't anypony there in the time of need?
Loneliness can inspire the greatest resourcefulness but also bring the darkest shadows. Some ponies call it insanity but all that means is a different and unusual point of view. The conflict between objective and subjective reality can't last forever though and has to be resolved somehow.
However, that is in the past. I'm not alone...
...as long as I recognize my responsibility.
My friends are giving me the care I don't deserve in the slightest so the least I can do is give what little is in my power back.
"Look at my whorse," I sing to myself and wave a fork while watching eggs sizzle on a frying pan, "My whorse is amazing."
"OW! DAMMIT!" Mistake falls from the bed, yawns, and rubs his muzzle.
"Give him a lick," I continue, unphased, walk to the unicorn, and lick his horn from the bottom to the tip slowly, "Mmmm, he tastes just like Blazing."
"Wazawawhoo?" he leans back so far his hind legs slip and he lands on his plot.
"Have a stroke of his mane," I help him up and scratch him behind an ear, "He turns into a..."
Rhyming's too hard.
"...flame! Got it!"
"Do I smell eggs and, hmm, burning flesh?" he smacks his lips and sniffs the air.
"Eggs and bacon. I finally had the time to visit a griffon trader here in Canterlot," I flip the sizzling bacon over, "...and he turns back again when you tug on his humm humm."
"What was that?"
"NOTHING!" I snatch some more salt and spread it on the egg whites. Mistake likes eggs sunny side up, strangely enough for a pony, but the amount of salt he enjoys in his food makes me wonder what sort of military-grade armor is his mouth lined with, "Look at my whorse, my whorse is amazing..."
"I'm not a whorse," he puffs his cheeks when he finally realizes the context of the tune.
"Not the fastest in the morning, are you?"
"Oh shut up," he sticks his tongue out, "Thanks for making breakfast."
"You know, you get breakfast, I get to grope you at night," busy with looking for the seasonings I enjoy, I get back to my fun, "Look at my-"
"I'll stick my tentacles so far down your throat not even Celestia will find them!"
"Told you, you're a terrible kisser."
"GAAH!" he grunts and throws his forelegs to the sky, "You're insufferable when you are in a good mood-"
"And you're cute when you're trying to find something to complain about."
"-Grrrr. What's so special today anyway?"
"Well, I woke up by myself. Living with you, that's an achievement. No guards knocking on our door, no panicked screams, no magical mishap, and no horrible nightmare about what evil is coming after us next. That tells me today is gonna be just fine."
Both of us go silent and look around. Nothing happens.
"Hope you didn't jinx it," Mistake mumbles.
"Look at my-"
"OH FOR CELESTIA'S SAKE! Who moved the damn door?" Mistake rubs his muzzle again and walks into the bathroom, leaving me to my joyful morning.
Wouldn't trade it for the world.
Now, since princess Twilight said she would send us on a vacation with all expenses paid we should ask her the details.
The breakfast is done. It's nothing fancy but bacon, eggs, and some bread is about as much as I can make without a cookbook. Holding a tray in one arm, I set it on the table. As much as I like the coziness of this place we might need something with at least two rooms soon, or one room and a small kitchen. Having to cook with an electric pan lying on a small wardrobe filled with cutlery and spice is starting to feel a bit too improvised. Perhaps I should have stuck with sandwiches.
Heavy's practice session starts in just over an hour so even a bigger breakfast like this won't be troubling as I'll walk it off on the way to the castle.
"I wonder," I say while chewing, "are you going to continue your guard training?"
"I doubt it. Kicking and punching was the only thing I was good at and now it's sort of useless."
"Well, how about becoming a masseuse?"
"What? First of all, I have no official training and I'm not sure I'd be any good at it, and the second thing is that I can't afford going to a class or something. When I helped you enlist in the Royal Guard I sort of had no idea I would end up going to the mirror world again and then not actually attending any practice sessions. I don't think I'm eligible for a recruit salary anyway."
"I'm sure if you ask princess Luna she'll-"
"I don't want to beg for help."
"You need it and it's not begging. The sisters know you deserve their attention and, as little as I know princess Luna, she'll help you if you just open your mouth. If you really don't want to talk about it then let me arrange it for you."
He thoughtfully chews the eggs for a moment. He gulps.
"Do you think I have a chance?"
"Yeah. You have great feel for muscle tension and I know a pegasus who could teach you."
Don't ask about it! Don't ask about it!
"I sense a catch incoming. How did YOU get to know a masseuse with all that was happening after you arrived in Canterlot?"
"The usual way, of course. I saw Jones in the castle lobby with a griffon ambassador, I wanted to look different so I found the first cheap manedresser I could, I flirted a little with her, she bathed me in a dye and slipped in herself. You have no idea how attractive mares find a tall griffon who could overpower them and fulfill their submission fantasy. It turned out she used to work in a pervy massage parlor and one night we had a lot of fun. She was pretty tiny and she could slip her hooves inside my-"
"And you'd like me to do that to somepony?"
"Somepony other than you."
"YES! Under my... supervision."
"And you, of course."
"You really have a one track mind."
"And that track leads to a dark tunnel. It's important to be consistent. So, what do you say?"
"If you're comfortable with me groping other ponies for money."
"As long as I get to grope you for free."
"Don't look as if I'm forcing you to eat broccoli."
"It's important to be consistent."
"You're trying my patience, buddy."
"Sorry. It's just that now I'm scared I'll fail at the massage thing, that I'll fail you... and so on."
"I keep telling myself but there's nothing I can do. It doesn't just go away."
"It's either my pegasus friend or I'll find a psychiatrist."
"An EXPENSIVE ONE!"
"And I'll pay for therapy with my life savings."
"And then you'll REALLY feel bad!"
"Now we're talking. Care to elaborate?-"
He just growls and bites into a slice of bread.
"-Perfect! Angry sex, best sex. Speaking of burning calories, I should go to the morning session. Are you coming as well?"
"Yeah. I've got to talk to Heavy and Chokey about some special training suitable for me so I don't get fat."
"More of you to love."
"You don't mean that."
"Actually, you're right, I don't. If you're out of shape you won't be able to work me harder than a-"
"How much do I have to pay to ransom your brain from your cock? I'm starting to get them mixed up."
"A kiss should do it."
He leans in but given his lack of practice I take charge.
Emperor's titanum claws! The tentacles. It's like kissing four chicks at once. Four chicks who aren't sure what they're doing but quantity over quality.
"Tomorrownight!" Mistake blurts out after the magical appendages slip back in.
I blink, still processing the unnatural mouth to mouth.
"Are you talking about what I'm thinking?"
"I'm talking about the only thing you think about," he grins.
I open my mouth, wave my talons in the air, shut my mouth.
"Can you stay tonight at Darky's place?"
"Uhm, sure. Why?"
"I'm going shopping."
Reins? Yes. Latex? Maybe later. Riding crop? Yes. Double-sided implements? Sure, it's important to do things together. Lube? Lots of lube.
"Your drool is splashing around," the black unicorn snickers.
"It's the breakfast. I just loooove meat. Bacon, I mean. Medical sausages are good too though."
"The hay is a medical saus-"
"I may have made a mistake."