"Bo its nice to see you again, how are you? How was your time back home? You had a good time?"
"You could say that" Bo wanted to answer by swearing but she was starting to like the doctor and their time together, it was how to call it, a relief to talk to someone, even if she had to.
"Oh, want to tell me about your days? What did you do? Anything important happened? Or you prefer to continue talking about your childhood?" The doc was waiting for Bo to answer, she didn't want to talk about either but whatever.
'Well something did happen"
"Really, want to talk about it?"
"Well, what there is to say? After much thought I decided to ask Lauren to marry me and…"
"Marry you? Lauren? The doctor?"
"Yes, my girlfriend Lauren, I don't know why you act so surprised, you already met her two times doc"
"Sorry, yes I am surprised, I thought you weren't together?"
"That's what Lauren says but its not true, we are together no matter how many times she denies it, we even fucked"
"Bo, come on Lauren was here, I talked to her. You guys aren't together and I know you were trying to work things out? So you slept together?"
"Why don't you tell me Laurens reaction? What happened?"
"Look I understand it was sudden, ok I admit it, but Lauren is the one for me. I have thought about it and I want to marry her, and you and her always complain that I don't talk, so I decided and talked and said what I wanted and everybody is reacting, I dunno"
"I guess Lauren didn't accept your proposal?" the doc is laughing at me? Yeah I think the doc is laughing at me Bo thought. She remembered Laurens reaction.
"What? What did you say?" Bo got scared and stopped talking at that moment. Lauren tried to get up but Bo held her down with her hands.
"Your going to wake up Buz"
"Are you seriously asking me to marry you like really?" Bo didn't expect such a reaction.
"Ok, ok I take it back, forget I said it"
"No seriously?" And just like that, Lauren started laughing. And not a sarcastic laugh. She couldn't contain herself.
Bo was getting annoyed and angry and things got worse when during their talk Lauren revealed to her that not only she wasn't ready to marry her but she indeed had slept with that fucking douche bitch doctor, and just because they slept together didn't mean they were back together, that of course made Bo go ballistic on Lauren, then Buz woke up and Bo was kicked out. She had to wait for two hours at least for a disabled persons cab to come and get her. After that Kenzi was mad at her too and she got the silent treatment until Kenzi got her back at rehab.
"No, she didn't, in fact she laughed her heart out as you obviously want to do too."
"I am sorry Bo, but don't you find it funny and ridiculous? Of course you love Lauren but asking her to marry you when you too haven't even cleared out what you are to each other? You should have talked about this to Kenzi for example, I am sure she would have stopped you."
Bo said nothing. She was very upset still and was feeling resigned.
"You know, I once said to one of my foster fathers, that I am going to do what I want in my life and be who I want and he laughed at me"
"Yet you did manage to be what you wanted Bo. This situation with Lauren is different though. Its not that you aren't worthy of her, but your circumstances, your not even dating"
"Dating? We are passed that ok. I don't get all this, I don't get all this, all these rules and steps that society has, do you know Lauren tried to kill herself because I was cheating on her? Do you know that nobody in her family likes me? Yet she went against them in order to be with me? That doesn't prove I am the one for her, I mean that she considers me the one? Ok I am sure she can find people 100 times better than me but if that's the life she wants to live, if she wants to compromise OK, I get it"
"Its not that simple Bo. And if Lauren hurts herself because of things you do, don't you think that's wrong? Its not healthy?"
"Yes I do. I do. But you know what? That's how life is, that's how things are. You think its healthy to go to war and kill people? Or know whats a blow job at six years old? If you don't want to get hurt you stay inside your house, and do nothing. At least I have the guts to know who I am, I don't pretend that I am better and i know that Lauren is the one for me, as fucked up as I am, even if I cheated on her, i dont know, you want me to talk, Lauren wants me to talk, well I am talking, ill try to change but for what? To become what others want me to? "
"I am sure Lauren loves you very much and I bet she would take your proposal seriously when the time comes. I think its good that we talk, and that we can work together to find a way. I am sure you understand that its not healthy for you or for Lauren to be together when you cant commit to her"
"Commit to her? You mean sex, because I commit to her in every way"
"If you feel that way why you are angry that Lauren may be sleeping with someone else?"
"Because its unlike her? Because I know her? Because its not natural for her, because she isn't like me?"
"Like you, you mean you see sex as something casual while Lauren doesn't? That's what you say?"
"Because Lauren having sex with someone means something, while for me, if its not Lauren, it doesn't, its just something I do"
"Ok I understand but in relationships we do need to think about our partners and take in consideration their feelings, obviously Lauren doesn't agree with you casually sleeping with others"
"I know that. I didn't want her to know, I never wanted her to get hurt, the days she was in the hospital were the worst of my life, and if we do get married I would make sure something like that would never happen again"
"So you say you would never cheat on her?"
"I don't know, I ll try, I don't know whats going to happen ok? Again everybody talks and say big words, I don't know. Even if I do cheat, I will make sure she wont get hurt."
"You see Bo, that's not going to happen, no matter what, your are hurting her if you cheat, because you don't respect her. I think at least we are nearing the root of this"
"The root?" Bo smiled sarcastically.
"Yes, why you seem to attach sex with your life, you are here for months now, was it the first time you had sex after the accident, I mean this week with Lauren?"
"So? How was it? All this time without sex? You are someone who I figured out, cant easily go without sex for a big amount of time, normally"
"Well, you can see I had more serious stuff going on"
"Yes that's true, but still, how was it?"
"In the beginning, iiiii was afraid, no, not afraid, more thinking if I wont be able to have sex, you know in the normal way"
"Yes, I understand, I believe that must have been such a blow towards your self confidence."
Bo didn't answer the doctor, she felt she had talked too much, she felt she said too much, she felt she was tired, she didn't have to say much more at this moment.
"I guess our time is up Bo, see you tomorrow same time"
"I guess so, and I want to make a change on my group therapy? For what I understand I am allowed that"
"Yes of course"
"I don't want Lauren to be part of it anymore"
"Ohh come on Bo, this is just a reaction, you know how vital she is…"
"Its my decision isn't it? I think its about time I move on, isn't what everybody keeps telling me? Move on? Well I give up, I am going to move on"
"Why don't you think about this for a few days and then you take a final decision?"
"Sorry but that's my final decision"
"Ok, but you know you can change your mind anytime you want, also I was wondering if there is anyone you want us to call? I can search and find anyone you want, from your past, maybe a foster parent? Someone? A foster sister? Brother?"
"No, no one."
Bo watched as the nurse was carrying her stuff at the cab. It was two weeks after her session with the doctor and when she went back to her room she decided that it was indeed time to really move on.
She called the nurse and informed that she wanted to quit the program, then the nurse called the doctor who was responsible for her and he informed her that it was already paid in advance, which made Bo more determined to move on, she said she was perfectly sane and she wanted to leave, that someone else was paying for her, and that she couldn't afford the program on her own and that she decided she didn't want to use other peoples money for her therapy.
She had the right to take that decision. She contacted a couple pals from the regiment and asked information about other facilities that are regulars for soldiers who got hurt. They emailed her some places, who of course weren't the same quality as this one, but she didn't care. She wanted to be with people who were like her, and to pay with her own money, whatever she had left.
She didn't contact Kenzi or Lauren, she was feeling tired, tired and resigned. In fact she was starting to feel she didn't fit anymore. It was like those years when she was growing up, she didn't fit in those houses. So it was time to find something else. She knew Kenzi would be upset but it was time to move on with her life too. She would continue to be her best friend but she couldn't just be a burden on Kenzis life. She was going to settle on that new facility and then when she informs Kenzi, she would let her know that it was also time to move out from the crack shack. She wanted to live alone.
Kenzi was walking on the sidewalk while the snow was falling heavily and had almost covered everything. The scenery was so beautiful and yet so depressing for her. Most of the times she would walk in the snow with Bo, they would throw snowballs at each other, slide and lay on the snow. And many times they would be drunk and coming back from late nights and would fall and laugh their asses off. Bo.
She hasn't seen Bo in 3 months. That fucking idiot decided to leave the rehab she and Lauren had chosen for her and instead she went to one that the army was collaborating with, much much cheaper. Bo didn't even have the fucking nerve to tell her, the rehab informed her when Kenzi called to talk to Bo after she wont answer on her phone for days. And then when she managed to find out the rehab she moved to, Bo told her that she had to do this on her own.
That she had to face this on her own and that it was time for both of them to move on. That made Kenzi mad, and she refused at the beginning, telling her she would visit her every time visiting was allowed, but the next time she went to visit she was informed Bo didn't want any visitors, that she didn't have anyone on her list of visitors.
Bo did the same to Lauren, she was informed from her financial advisor that some of the money she paid the rehab for, were transferred back, since the patient left the premises after only completing barely the 1/3 of the time. She called Kenzi who had to reveal everything to her. Lauren called Bo, tried to see her but to no avail, that fucking bitch was refusing to even see her once.
Buz was missing her too, he would ask for her. Kenzi didn't know what to do. The only news she managed to get about Bo and how was she, was the fact Lauren had to use every connection she had to try and get some update about her condition from one of the doctors, and that she got better and better and stronger and the prediction about her situation was almost total success. That made them both even more sad and upset because they were missing from that process, because Bo had them excluded from sharing their joy about her getting better. The snow was falling on her face and it was so cool, so beautiful. Damn you Bo. Damn you.
She was trying to sleep after a very tiring day, Buz was sleeping next to her, and she would listen to his steady breath. She had to do something about sleep. She slowly got back to work, choosing the red cross as a more steady job, spending 6 hours of her morning there, while Buz was going to pre-school in the morning hours.
Lauren had decided to send him to school, so he would meet and socialize with other kids. He was nearly 3 years old. She would leave the red crosss station and head for his school, pick him up and get back home. Home. Yeah, this dumb, this place had become their home. When Bo decided to cut them of from her life Lauren decided to stick to never see her and never meet her again and move hundred miles away from Toronto, she was so mad at her, that for just another time Bo left hert, but when she saw the toll Bos absence was taking on Kenzi instead of leaving she moved in the crack shack.
And that place had become their home. Here she was, sleeping on Bos bed. At the beginning she was questioning her decision but slowly she got used to the diverse neighborhood, she didn't want to raise Buz as a rich trust fund kid, in fact she wanted to raise him as someone aware of where he was coming from, and to be open to the whole society, and that wasn't going to happen if she had him locked in a secured block apartment area and send him to private schools.
Kenzis influence was a big plus and also she could lean on someone when she had to face the difficulties of Buz illness or when she had to leave him behind if to work more hours. In all these months she and Kenzi made the place safe, and much more cosy and beautiful and without even talking about it, like a silent agreement, they turned it to a place when a disabled person could also live.
Disabled. They didn't even know if Bo was still disabled. She was pressuring her doctor almost every week for news, and he would only say that she was getting better, without giving more details. That stubborn idiot, that spoiled brat. Did she really think we were going to give up on her so easily. Fucking selfish brat, didn't event let me see her, Buz is missing her dreadfully, and all that for what? Because I laughed at her proposal, damn, she never thinks, ever, what did she expect? Every night the same thoughts, Lauren said to herself. I cant wait to see her face when she sees me and Buz living here. Taking decisions for us without asking, selfish brat. She hugged Bos pillow stronger and tried to sleep.
Kenzis mobile made the wellknown sound of receiving a message. She was eating breakfast with Lauren and Buz before getting ready to start their daily routine of dropping them off while heading for the barracks. It was very early and Kenzi didn't expect any message. She looked at the screen of her mobile. The message was from Bo. She looked at Lauren.
"Its Bo" She whispered. After months of silence she got a message from Bo.
"The message, its from Bo" Kenzi said louder. Lauren looked at her.
Kenzi did nothing for a second, she was really afraid, she didn't know what her friend was going to do next, what she was going to say. She pressed the button and opened the message.
"I can walk"