Tormented by memories
Insufferable man! Who is he to propose to me?
As I walked angrily back to Hunsford, these thoughts were running through my mind. I could not believe that Mr Darcy would tell me that he loved me when quite clearly he doesn't or ever will.
I should be happy that I refused; otherwise I should have to spend the rest of my life with that insufferable man.
My cousin walks out to meet me, but I storm past him- he is just another man that I refused. Charlotte tries to talk to me, but again I walk straight past her, feeling bad that I don't share what is wrong. I see her facial expression- it is one of genuine concern for her friend. I cannot bear to tell her what is wrong and hope that I will be able to do so in order to alleviate her worry over me.
Once I make it back to my room, I sit on the bed. I sit and stare without really seeing. As I slowly calm down, I begin to realise that I am upset. I do not know why, but his proposal made me feel loved and respected, but I was too angry at the time to really see that. I berate myself for my foolishness; however I find that my reasons for refusal were perfectly justified.
I unknowingly begin to cry, but am able to calm myself after a few moments. I suddenly realise that I would have to see Mr Darcy again soon, as his aunt, Lady Catherine de Bourgh invited my family to dine with her. He would be there too.
Charlotte comes in to make sure I am well. I tell her that I will be unable to go tonight, as I have a severe headache- which is not true, but I just cannot face seeing him again.
I dejectedly walk back to Rosings with one thing on my mind- her rejection of my proposal. Never have I felt so sad at being refused anything- not that this has ever happened. I am angry at her, at myself and at everything that separates us. Her words echo through my mind- if you had behaved in a more gentlemanlike manner. You are the last man in the world whom I would be prevailed on to marry.
I kick the stones along the path in order to focus my mind on other matters, however I am unable to. Her words were just and honest. I know that I have to consider her words to deduce whether there is merit in them.
I walk into the grand hall of Rosings and hear my aunt calling for me and Richard to attend her. I walk up the stairs, hoping to avoid a meeting with my aunt now, however Richard tries to stop me before I reach my room. He blocks my path in order to speak with me.
"Richard, could you apologise to aunt, as I am unable to meet with her at this moment." I say, hoping that he will let me avoid her presence for a while.
Richard smiles, knowing that there would be a brief reprieve before he found out what he wanted to know from me. I sigh, knowing I shall have to tell him everything that had transpired in the last few hours.
"This is not over Fitzwilliam; I will be told why you are in this mood." Richard warned as he continued on to see what our aunt wished us to hear.
I enter into the guest bedroom that I always occupy on visits to my aunt. It is a dull room, all with extremely antique furnishings that are gilt in gold. I hate it in here, but this is the only place I can be alone with my thoughts.
It is during this time that a realisation comes to me; she will be here tonight. I think with horror and anger that my aunt could let this happen to me. Just as quickly I realise that she doesn't know what happened earlier nor would she. I calm myself and prepare for the longest night of torture that I will ever have to endure.
An hour later, my valet comes into the room to prepare me for the evening ahead.