If It Happened

Chapter 9

28 December

Dear Diary,

It's been a tough night. Ever since Christmas, I am staying in Rin's room with Meiko. Honestly, if will be asked, I'd rather stay with Len. It's not because I don't like Meiko, I like her a lot. But she will not understand.

Personally, I thought everything is normal. After the day that papa told me that I'm out of the norm, I found everything senseless. Therefore, I shall catalyze the process. This stupid me wants to end the suffering that's why I ran through the rain that day when I met him. When I met Rin's twin, Len. I never expected that he has to do something in my life. No, it's not my life. I believed in so much lies. And I don't want him to believe in these lies too. Am I greedy because I don't want him to be happy? I'm not made to be an idiot. Humans are easily read, predictable. Or maybe he's just too nice for me to handle?

It's hard to say good bye to those people whom you loved. As if I wanted to say good bye! I really don't want to go...but I was driven by my emotion. I wanted to end all these lies, my life is the greatest lie, because that's how everything is supposed to fall onto their proper places. To end. We need to end so we can begin. But I was tangled tightly with this reality. I am an existing fallacy in this reality.

I've cried hard tonight. Oh, how I loved those tears! It made me feel like I am real! It made me feel like all the days I spent with Rin and Len and Oliver and Meiko were valid. Will she even remember them when she woke up?

I wanted to laugh instead to cry. At least, tonight, for my last night, I'll be able to do something happy. Something worth remembering. I want to see Rin one last time. I wanted to feel her warm hands. I wan to see Len, I want to see his face once again. The way he stops his emotions, I envy it. I hope I could be as true as he is. He tried to hold back his emotions but I guess I'm a better actress than him.

During the Christmas, they talked to me. They told me that her consciousness is slowly coming back. They are thanking me for my cooperation. She will wake soon. And if it happened, I want her to validate this thing in my heart. Heart? I don't have...one. I said so, this is not my life.

But can we extend a little? I want to stay a little longer. This sharps pain stabbing me is getting worse lately. Tomorrow is the grand beginning. It's unstoppable. But I want to stay just a little longer. I want to... I want... No, I can't.

I am selfish. I am using my reasoning to hold back this consciousness. This isn't mine. My time is up... But please, if it happened to be like a 0, put 1. Turn it on. Remind me.

- Miku Hoshine

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