The Loneliest Number since the Number Two
THE PLUCKY DUCK SHOW
“The Loneliest Number since the Number Two”
We see nothing but blackness for ten seconds. Suddenly, the bright light of a torch briefly shines on the camera before it moves away to reveal the face of Plucky Duck grinning malevolently, holding the torch under his bill and creating creepy shadows.
Plucky: BOO! He laughs for a beat, before his mirth slowly begins to weaken as if he has grown uncomfortably aware of the fact that nobody has laughed. (Bitterly) Everybody’s a critic. (Brightens up) Welcome to THE PLUCKY DUCK SHOW! That’s right: The Plucky Duck Show! Not Tiny Toon Adventures, MY show. A TV programme all about me which has NOTHING ta do with rabbits! (Chuckles evilly) Does anybody have any questions? No? Great. You may all be wondering: What has given me, the only reason people watch Tiny Toons, the urge to branch off from the show? He scratches his head with a contemplating expression. That’s a good question…for YOU! Y’see, ducks have always been given a raw deal under the command of Warner Bros! They’re afraid of the fact that we have superior acting prowess over RABBITS! That hasn’t stopped us though. (Reminiscing) I remember my extremely amazing mentor D.D carrying out his publicity stunt last week!
The camera ripples and distorts as we are about to enter a flashback. As the focus begins to reform, we suddenly get a view of a wreath of dandelions and a message which reads “IN MEMORY OF DAFFY DORK: 1937-1992” We can see that the “O” in “DORK” has been crossed out and has been replaced with a tiny “U” over it. We can see tombstones in the background and the Funeral March can be heard being played badly on a kazoo. Instead of the sounds of sobbing as the camera pans out to reveal the mourners, we can hear casual chatter.
Foghorn Leghorn stands on a podium near the wreath as the pallbearers approach it. They consist of Rocky, Mugsy, Nasty Canasta, Cottontail Smith, Elmer Fudd and Yosemite Sam. Everybody, except Elmer, has a sardonic expression which implies that they were forced to go to this ceremony.
Elmer: (Sobbing) Wh-Why did he have to g-go?? AND WHY COUWDN’T I HAVE SHOT HIM?!
Instead of placing the coffin gently on the podium, the pallbearers toss it. It hits the podium with a CRASH, knocking the wreath over. Foghorn looks indignant, but it’s due to the fact that the coffin nearly hit him.
Yosemite Sam: (To Foghorn) Jus’ get this over with, ya razzafrazzin’ blowhard! Ah got me a date with a casino!
Foghorn clears his throat as the pallbearers go to sit down. As everybody goes silent, he begins to speak.
Foghorn: As ah stand before all ‘o’ y’all, ah won, ah say, ah wonder one thing. Why, ah say, why is it that this great Toon has gone to that high, ah say, high-larious place in the sky so soon? (To the camera, sardonically) ‘Specially when he owes me fifty bucks. (To the mourners) Ah suppose, ah say, ah suppose there is one thing that comforts us at this ter-ri-ble time! And that is that we all get the rest of the day off!
Foghorn steps down as Bugs approaches the podium to give his eulogy. We can see that the rabbit is munching on a carrot. He swallows it before he speaks.
Bugs: (To the coffin) Ehh, What’s Up…Dead Duck? (To the mourners) Daffy was one ‘o’ da greatest Toons in all da woild!
The camera cuts to Foghorn sitting next to Henery Hawk and Miss Prissy with the mourners.
Foghorn: (Bitterly) What, ah say, what a load of bullsh-
The camera cuts back to Bugs.
Bugs: I mean: who else am I gonna harass wit’ a paintbrush when I get bored? Who else is gonna wash our cars? Who else is gonna get shot by Elmer? We hear Elmer bawling offscreen. So, I decided dat, in his honour, we would give ‘um a twenty-one gun salute, ‘cos dat’s what he woulda wanted. He races off the podium, leaving the coffin alone. (Offscreen) Okay, boys: FIRE AWAY!!
Twenty-one hunters emerge from behind the tombstones and immediately begin shooting the casket, obscuring it in a cloud of grey smoke. After ten seconds, the hunters stop firing and the sarcophagus is burnt, charred and smoking. Bugs walks back up to the podium to examine it. He then looks skyward.
Bugs: Give us a sign dat you’ve arrived, Daff!
The lid of the coffin abruptly bursts open. To everybody’s surprise, a burnt and hole-ridden Daffy emerges from it, coughing out black smoke.
Plucky: (Offscreen) IT’S A MIRACLE!!
There is an uncomfortable silence as everybody stares at Daffy. Suddenly, he gets down on one knee as if he’s on stage.
Daffy: (Sings) Greetingth! My name ith-a Daffy!
He is cut off as the mourners begin to boo him and we hear the sounds of people leaving. Bugs walks offscreen in disgust.
Daffy: (Protesting) Aw, come on!! I jutht want thome attention!
He gets splattered with tomatoes as the flashback ends and we cut back to Plucky in the blackness.
Plucky: (To the camera) D.D told me later on in prison that he only faked his death so that he wouldn’t hafta pay taxes…and because he owed Professor Foghorn fifty bucks. I wanna pull off something just as spectacular as him. So, I decided that I was gonna go it alone and make my own show ta rival the show I’m currently on! The question is: how am I gonna do that?
Abruptly, the lights turn on to reveal that he is in his bedroom with the curtains closed. We hear his father speaking offscreen.
Mr Duck: (Offscreen) Plucky, will ya stop talkin’ to yerself an’ get ready for school?!
Plucky looks at the camera with chagrin and he turns the torch off.
We cut to the exterior of Acme Loo. Plucky can be seen walking towards the statues of Bugs and Daffy. His eyes are gleaming as he approaches the eternal sneer of the sculpture of his mentor.
Plucky: (Glowingly) Here’s the best part of goin’ ta school! This statue of D.D: the funniest Looney Tune who shoulda been in charge ‘o’ this dump. He looks around to see whether the coast is clear…and then rushes over to the Bugs statue, climbs up it and paints a black moustache on its face. (To the camera) Well, somebody has ta do it while D.D’s in the slammer!
The camera cuts to the clock tower. Suddenly, Gogo Dodo emerges from it with a megaphone.
Gogo: Cuckoo! Cuckoo! If you’re plannin’ on goin’ AWOL, you’re Cuckoo! Cuckoo! (Flatly) Oh, yeah…an’ yer late for class.
Plucky: (To the camera, snarky) When I get MY own show, I won’t hafta go ta places where ducks are given a raw deal…
He walks offscreen. As he does so, Byron Basset meanders up to the Daffy statue and lifts a leg. The camera then cuts to a view of the “WAY-OUT PHILOSOPHY CLUB” before we fade to the long table in the Meeting room. The only Toons who are there, however, are Fifi La Fume and Shirley the Loon. There are sheets of paper on the table, possibly notes.
Fifi: (Briskly) Salut, Shirley. Ah am glad zat vous were able to join moi today.
Shirley: Like, no problem. (Concerned) Although, aren’t ya worried about bein’ outta class?
Fifi: (Giggles) Do not worry. Ah explained to Professeur Pepe et ‘e was trés understanding.
Shirley: (Reading one of the sheets) Like, we’re one short. There’s supposed ta be three people attendin’ yer meeting. (To Fifi) Shouldn’t we wait for Babs ta show up before we start, or some junk?
Fifi: (Clears her throat) Babs ‘as not been asked to, how-you-say, ascend.
Shirley: (Correcting) Attend.
Fifi: (Continues) Ah believe zat she would not like what ah am going to talk about.
Shirley: (Shocked) Yer not gonna talk about that incident in the showers after the Acme Bowl, are ya?!
Fifi: Non, ah am not. (Smirks) Although, eet was trés amusant… (Calmly) Ze third member shall arrive soon. ‘E ‘as been summoned.
Shirley: (Puzzled) Like, he?
Fifi: Oui. Eet shall not be long before ‘e arrives, so let us begin. She clears her throat. As vous know, ah ‘ave un, how-you-say, ambition to be come ze president of ze Frères Warner!
Shirley: (Dumbfounded) Like, I didn’t know that!
Fifi: (Impatiently) Well, now vous do. She shows Shirley a document with the WB symbol on the top left corner. Pour some reason zat eez trés ridicule; vous cannot just become ze president by asking. Vous ‘ave to do something zat benefits ze network.
Shirley: Such as?
Fifi: (Weakly) Ah do not know. (Confidently) Mais ah ‘ave un idea! Ah ‘ave decided zat ah shall impress ze Frères Warner…by coming up avec un new show! As Shirley’s eyes widen, she grins. Starring four members of ze Tiny Toons cast, including us!
There is a long silence as we see a thought bubble appearing above the loon’s head. A sobbing Babs appears in it.
Babs: (Bawling) SAY IT AIN’T SO-HO-HO-HO!!!
The thought bubble abruptly pops.
Shirley: (Beat) Like, now I see why ya didn’t ask Babs to attend or some junk. (Seriously) Do ya have any idea how much trouble you could get into, Feef?!
Fifi: (Unconcerned) Ah know ze risks, Shirley. Vat eez life without eet, non? Zat eez why ze third member ‘as ‘ad to find research dans secret. ‘Opefully, ‘e shall ‘ave something pour us to use dans ze show. ‘E told moi ‘e ‘ad un bon idea where to start…
Shirley: (Worried) Like, he better be good. Ya know how good Babs is at getting information outta Toons. If she or Buster finds out…
Fifi: (Complacently) Ah ‘ave faith dans ‘im. Ah believe zat both ‘im et vous shall ‘elp moi become ze president. Vous both shall be given trés grand positions! She looks up at the clock in the far left corner of the meeting room. (Cheerfully) Ah! ‘E eez coming.
Shirley: (Baffled) Like, how d’ya know that? I’m totally the psychic on this show-
Suddenly, the doors to the meeting room slowly begin to open. Shirley looks shocked and a little apprehensive. Fifi, however, just relaxes in her chair and closes her eyes with a triumphant smile. The song “Also Sprach Zarathustra” begins to play as Shirley squints at the door as it opens. Finally, it’s completely ajar, and we see Hamton J Pig standing in the doorway. He is carrying a briefcase.
Hamton: (Happily waving) Fifi! It’s me! Am I late?
Fifi: Au contraire, mon bonbon de plasir. Tu are right on time!
Hamton cheerfully crosses the threshold, closing the door behind him. Shirley looks confused, then she looks at the camera, as if silently asking the audience whether they knew this was coming.
Hamton: (Good-naturedly) Oh, hello, Shirley! I didn’t know you were attending.
Fifi: Zere ‘as been un change of plan, mon cher. Did tu find ze place okay?
Hamton: (Chuckles) Oh, sure. I was worried about bein’ late, so I came ta school five hours early. I’m sure Mr Puma appreciated the help. He says he’s NEVER been able ta clean the basketball hoops before!
Fifi: Oui, zat eez nice. Now, can tu give us your research, s'il vous plaît?
Hamton seems a bit more reluctant to join them as he sits down and places his briefcase on the table.
Hamton: (Uneasily) Um... ya won’t like this, Fifi... (Hastily) It’s not that I’ve done nothing!
Fifi: (Confused) Vat? Vat ‘ave tu done, Hamtone?
Hamton: (Reluctantly) I...uh...I thought that...
Shirley: (Bored) Like, ya thought that a show featuring Pl-ucky as the main star would be a good idea.
As Fifi looks from Shirley to Hamton with confusion, the pig speaks.
Hamton: (Sighs) Yes... He opens the briefcase and takes out several sheets of paper. Y’see, Plucky’s a kind of ambitious guy.
Fifi: (Suspicious) Ah see...
Hamton: I-I thought that the folks at Warner Bros would like a...erm...a kind of underdog!
Shirley: (Puzzled) Like, are you sure, Hammy? Warner Bros is the company that totally kisses the ground an animal-abusing sociopath walks on, or some junk.
Hamton: (More confidently) Well, that’s what I was kinda going for. Plucky is selfish, greedy, attention-seeking, deluded, etc. In short...
Fifi: (Bitterly) Un carbon copy of Professeur Canard...
Hamton: Well, he doesn’t have a lisp, but that’s the only difference. I digress. He’ll go to any great lengths ta one-up anyone more superior to him. He often fails...but his tenacity is commendable.
Fifi: (Loftily) Ah suppose ‘e does, mon cher. Mais, ah refuse to pitch un show avec zat cretin as ze star! She folds her arms, and looks as if she is about to order her boyfriend to find another idea for a TV show. The pig senses this and speaks once more.
Hamton: (Hastily) It won’t just be about him.
Fifi: (Sulkily) Ah suppose eet shall ‘ave completely different stars, non?
Hamton: M-Maybe, but... it’ll also be about Shirley, you...a-and me.
Shirley’s eyes light up and so do Fifi’s. They stare at Hamton as if he’s just uttered an offensive word.
Shirley: (Perplexed) L-Like, us? What made ya think that?
Hamton: (To Shirley) W-Well, since you’re dating Plucky...
Shirley: (Slightly indignant) Like, how’d ya know that?
Hamton: (Flatly) Fowlmouth told me. (To Fifi) I thought that Plucky needed a foil other than me. Besides, I reckon you both need more screentime than you’re getting right now. Ya deserve it.
Fifi: (Musing) Zat we do. (Puzzled) Mais ‘ow do tu think zat Plucky will allow ze both of us to be dans ‘is show? Tu of all toons know zat ‘e eez, how-you-say, stingy!
Hamton: Trust me, Feef. My sidekick instincts tell me that he’s about to go off on some crazy adventure, and he’ll ask Shirley ta come because he’ll probably hope he’ll get lucky...
Shirley: (Bored) Like, he totally will.
Hamton: ...And he’ll force me ta come because he won’t go without somebody ta take the heat. I’ll just tell him that you want to come with me an’ I’m not going anywhere without ya.
Fifi: (Beat) Ah...ah suppose zat if it will ‘elp ma chances of becoming ze president of ze company... She contemplates this idea. Un show avec zat duck? (Sadly) Zat will not work!
Hamton: Well, if it doesn’t, th-then perhaps you can find ideas for another show on the way!
Fifi ponders this suggestion. She turns to look at Shirley, silently asking what she thinks about this suggestion.
Shirley: (Assuringly) Like, I know ya hate Plucky, but I’ll totally make sure he doesn’t annoy ya. Anyway, perhaps somethin’ might happen that makes him a better duck!
The camera zooms in on Fifi as she begins to ponder this proposal, when suddenly, we cut to an extreme close up of Plucky’s horrified face.
Plucky: (Shocked, to the camera) OH MY GOODNESS, ARE YOU GUYS OKAY?! Ya just sat through ten minutes of a scene I wasn’t in! The camera pans out to reveal that he is in Elmer’s classroom. (Sternly, to the camera) Don’t you EVER wander off like that, again!
The camera pans over to an irate Elmer Fudd as he has been interrupted while he was carrying out his lecture.
Elmer: Pwucky, tawking to youwsewf is the fiwst sign of wunacy! (Pleased) Gweat job! He returns to his lecture. Before Plucky can say anymore, the PA speaker suddenly turns on. The booming, terrifying voice of the Principal speaks through it.
Principal: (Furious) Can Mr Plucky Duck please report to my office...IMMEDIATELY?! We hear a thunderclap and the camera cuts to the green duck’s frightened face. (Cheerfully) That is all.
Everybody stares at Plucky as he reluctantly stands up and walks towards the door.
Plucky: (Thinking) What’ve I done?? I’m completely innocent. I always have been! (Bitterly) It’s duck discrimination, that’s what it is! Well. We-heh-heh-hell, I won’t stand it! I’ll stand my ground! I’ll show ‘em just how strong ducks can be!!
We cut to the Principal’s office, where a tearful Plucky is on his knees, sobbing his heart out.
Plucky: (Sobbing) PLEASE HAVE MERCY!! I DON’T DESERVE THIS PUNISHMENT! (Infuriated) I’ll sue you AND yer biased industry for this blatant speciesism!
The camera cuts to an unimpressed Bugs watching him, munching a carrot as he drums his fingers on the desk.
Bugs: I haven’t said anyt’in‘ yet!
Plucky stops crying and glares up at him accussingly.
Plucky: (Angry) Well, I just KNOW ya will! Just like how ya threw D.D in the slammer just because he faked his death!
Bugs: (Sternly) An’ ya better quit yer stupid protest regardin’ dat. (Calmly) Now, listen. I’ve jus’ had a phone call from yer dad. It’s about yer aunt an’ uncle, they’ve invited ya ta go an’ visit ‘em in Wisconsin.
Plucky: (Beat) Is this why you ordered me ta come to yer office?
Bugs: Yeah. I’m givin’ ya time off so you can go. (To the camera) As a teacher, I ain’t supposed ta do dat, but if it means I won’t hafta put up with ‘um, I’m happy. With dat said, I’m tempted ta do it to one of da other students. He presents a sheet of paper which says: EXPULSION PAPERS FOR ELMYRA DUFF. (To Plucky) Yer dad would take ya, but he still ain’t forgiven ya for tryin’ ta sell his golf clubs.
Plucky: (Bitterly) That figures.
Bugs: I recommend ya start yer journey after school. You’ll have a long way ta go. (Chuckles) Ya could even make a spinoff show if ya wanted to! Upon hearing this, Plucky’s eyes light up. (To Plucky) Well, dat’s all, uh, folk. He points to the door. Off ya go!
Plucky turns and walks out of the office. It is obvious that he is deep in thought about what Bugs has said.
Plucky: (To the camera) Perhaps this journey to my aunt’s house in Wisconsin is the perfect way for me ta create my own show. After all, the writer’s done this sorta thing before! (Muses) Hmmm... Although it ain’t possible, there’s a chance that people won’t watch a show that’s just about me... I need some co-stars...that aren’t rabbits. (Slyly) I have an idea who I’m gonna hire.
The camera cuts to the cafeteria, where Plucky is striding over to Shirley. She is sat on a table with Fifi and Hamton eating a tofu burger. The vomit-green duck looks extremely smug at what he’s about to do.
Plucky: (Confidently, to the camera) Take notes, folks! I’m gonna be doin’ something that was barely touched upon on Tiny Toons! He takes out a mirror and admires himself. Watch as I convince that lavish loon to join me in my superior spinoff. Watch as she grows awestruck at my ardent awesomeness. Watch, my little droogies, as I-
Shirley: (Annoyed) Like, what is it, Plucky?
Plucky: (digging his webbed toes into the ground bashfully like Jimmy Stewart asking for a date) Um....Shirl? How would ya feel ... about travelling to Wisconsin with me? ...We could have a romantic getaway up at a cabin in the woods?
Shirley: (eyeing the duck suspiciously) Rilly? Like _yew_ have a cabin in the woods? Up in like - Wisconsin?
Plucky: Well... it's not really mine - it's on the land on the farm where my Aunt and Uncle live...It'd be totally fu-un! C'mon!
Shirley: Lemme get this straight - Like _yew_ want _Me_ to meet yer relatives out in the sticks?
Shirley: (Suddenly grabbing him, overflowing with romance) You totally mean like meeting them to announce our engagement and upcoming wedding??
Plucky: Hey let's not rush things too fast....I mean.......uh.... maybe...
Shirley: (snapping out of it) Like - Nope. not fallin' for it, Plucky. Ah'm not gonna go become yer first conquest - Not until you commit - Totally ta me.
Plucky: Don't worry- (thinking quickly) Hamton's goin' with us!
Hamton: I am? Plucky elbows him. Oh! I am!
Plucky: See? Nothing to worry about.
Shirley: As long as Hammy's going along- She grabs Fifi.Then, like, Fifi can come with us too!
Fifi: (adamantly) Non! Je do not play chaperone` to zee undairhanded horny duck!
Shirley whispers urgently in Fifi's ear. Fifi grins and whispers back into Shirley's ear. Plucky and Hamton grow annoyed as the girls continue whispering only to each other.
Fifi: Oui! We WEEL play chaperone` to zee frisky fowl! Fifi grabs Hamton with her usual fervent ardour. Aftair all - une cabeen can hold four as well as Deux! Non? Fifi smothers Hamton with kisses and lipstick.
Hamton: OoooOoo! Oui! We can!
Hamton and Fifi melt together into a cooing moaning pink and purple puddle on the ground.
Plucky: (suddenly angry) Whadaya mean I gotta share the trip with the stinky- Shirley suddenly embraces him passionately and makes a pleading , begging, huge anime eyes "PLEASE?" grin while she hugs him in an Elmyra-like death-grip.
Plucky: (his green face now blue) ...............okay...
Hamton and Fifi reform into their bodies and grin romantically at each other, Shirley smiles angelically with closed eyes as she embraces Plucky, who does a silent SLOWBURN.
Plucky: (To the camera) What the heck just happened? He reaches out and grabs Hamton by the straps of his overalls. (Grimly, to Hamton) We need ta talk…
As Fifi and Shirley look on with mingled amusement and confusion, Plucky pulls an office door out of his pocket and yanks the pig through it, slamming it shut so that the girls can’t hear what he is about to say.
Hamton: (Confused) Wh-What’s up, Plucky?
Plucky: (Accusingly) I know your little secret, Ham-Brain. I know EXACTLY what’s going on!
Hamton: (Flabbergasted) What?! I didn’t do anything!
Plucky: (Vehemently) Yes, you did! You knew that I wanted ta make a spinoff so ya blabbed it all ta Shirl an’ that putrid polecat!
Hamton: I-I… (Sheepishly) Well, yes, I did.
Plucky: Tell me. Tell me how ya found out! I’ve always kept that ambition a secret!
Hamton looks at the camera as though deep in thought. Suddenly, we are given a flashback of Plucky and Hamton lounging in what appears to be the pig’s living room.
Plucky: Y’know, I would kill ta have my very own spinoff!
The scene changes to Plucky and Hamton playing an offscreen video game on a console which parodies the SNES. The green duck looks frustrated. He appears to be losing this unknown game. Finally…
Video Game: Player 2: YOU LOSE!!
Plucky: (Frustrated) FOR THE LOVE OF SCHLESINGER!! (To Hamton) Y’know what’s worse? Not havin’ my own show!
The scene changes to Plucky and Hamton in their sports gear, playing basketball in the gym. We can see Lil’ Beeper rushing around in a referee’s attire.
Plucky: I hate sports. I’d love a spinoff, though!
He is abruptly hit in the face by a basketball and is knocked offscreen. The screen undulates as the flashback comes to an end and we cut back to Hamton.
Hamton: (To Plucky) I’m a part-time psychic.
Plucky: (Beat) An’ there’s another thing. I’m more than willing ta have Shirl on my show, an’ to a lesser extent…you. He opens the door slightly and points at Fifi. But why’s she coming?!
Hamton: (Indignantly) Fifi happens ta be MY girlfriend.
Plucky: (Shocked) WHAT?! Since when?!
Hamton: (Cheerily) 2 years this October.
Plucky: (Dumbfounded) I never knew that!
Hamton: Well, with all due respect, you never pay attention.
Plucky: If you two are together, then…then, she’s cheatin’ on ya!
Hamton: (Sternly) No, she isn’t, Plucky. Fifi’s just doing what the script says. He folds his arms. If you wanna make a spinoff show outta your trip ta Wisconsin, I’m not goin’ without her.
Plucky: Fine! I can make a show without you, anyway! He opens the door and walks through it. I’m sure they’ll understand.
There is a beat, before there is a thunderclap and the screen flashes black and white. Hamton cringes as a burnt and charred Plucky staggers back into the shot.
Plucky: (Coughs) Change of plan. You an’ yer girlfriend are coming.
The camera cuts back to the meeting room of the “WAY-OUT PHILOSOPHY CLUB”. Plucky can be seen wearing a business uniform as he gives a presentation. Shirley and Fifi look amused, but not impressed, whereas Hamton is taking notes and listening intently.
Plucky: (Superciliously) Are any of you aware of where Wisconsin is? Hamton eagerly raises his hand. (To Hamton) Yes?
Hamton: (Rattling) Wisconsin is a state in the North-Central area of the United States. It’s bordered by Minnesota to the West, Iowa to the South-West…
Plucky: (Exasperated, interrupting) No, that’s not it!
Shirley: (Bored) Like, yes it is, Plucky.
Plucky: (Confused) What?
Shirley takes out a map of the United States.
Shirley: Like, Wisconsin IS in the North-Central area of the USA.
Fifi: (Puzzled) Eez eet? Ah always thought zat eet was dans le sud.
Shirley: Like, mondo incorrect, Feef, it’s always been in the...
Plucky: (Angrily interrupting) WE ALL KNOW IT’S IN THE NORTH, OKAY?!
Fifi: (Indignantly) How trés rude...
Plucky: Wisconsin is where my Aunt and Uncle live! Now, Principal Bugs has given me time off so I could travel to the NORTH CENTRAL and visit ‘em. (Haughtily) I believe that, thanks to my superior intellect, I could take advantage of the amount of time it’ll take for me to get there to create my very own show...(Indifferently) With you guys as secondary characters.
Hamton: (Confused) We’re secondary characters? B-But that’s not what we talked about at the last meeting!
Plucky: (Baffled) Last meeting? What last meeting? This is our first one!
Fifi: Zat eez not true, Plucky. Hamtone, Shirley et moi ‘ad un petit discussion zis matin.
Shirley: (Hastily) Although it is, like, the first meeting that you’ve attended, or some junk.
Plucky: (Suspicious) Y’mean you guys have been conspiring behind my back?
Shirley: Um, like, conspiring is such a strong word, or some junk, but... (Bluntly) Yes, we have.
Fifi: Permittez-moi to explain vat we ‘ave talked about, Plucky...
We cut to the clock. The hands begin to spin in fast motion, indicating the time flying by. Finally, the camera cuts back to Plucky as he strokes his beak, obviously pondering something.
Plucky: (In deep thought) Sooooo... In order for you ta become the WB President, you’re going ta come up with a show starring me...
Hamton: (Interrupting) And Fifi, Shirley and I!
Plucky: (Dismissively) Yeah, yeah, whatever. (Seriously) So, you guys are taking advantage of my superior acting talent in order ta get higher in the world, are you?
Hamton: No, not at all! (Puzzled) What makes ya think that?
Plucky: (Sarcastically) Only the fact that you an’ yer stinky sweetheart appear to have shoehorned yourselves into my perfect plan for a spinoff!
Shirley gives her boyfriend a warning glance, but the damage has been done. The purple skunkette glares at the green duck.
Fifi: (Angry) Ah do not know if vous were, how-you-say, paying attention. Ah doubt zat vous were. Ah could ‘elp vous become un star if ah am able to field...
Hamton: (Gently correcting) Pitch...
Fifi: ...PITCH our idea pour un show starring ze quatre of us to ze WB Executives. Eet shall benefit all of us!
Plucky: Hmph! He turns away from them with his bill in the air. All I can see is that YOU get more screentime. I won’t just have forgettable characters in MY show! If I did that, we may as well have Generic Brown Mouse join us!
Hamton: (Excited) Ooh! Can we ask Lightning ta come?
Plucky suddenly turns around, his face confused.
Plucky: (Puzzled) Who? He shakes his head and continues to rant. If you’re on this show, people’ll expect ya ta have bigger roles. I DESERVE BIGGER ROLES! It’s MY show!
Shirley: (Bored) Like, it ain’t a show, yet.
Plucky: (Puzzled, to Shirley) Excuse me?
Shirley: Well, Warner Bros ain’t aware of our plan ta make a spinoff show, or some junk. An’ they can’t unless we visit the studio on the way to yer aunt’s house.
Fifi: (Smugly) Mais if vous do not like ze idea of moi dans your show, we can always find another idea pour un television programme on ze journey, no?
Hamton: (To Fifi and Shirley) Perhaps Saul would like his own show?
Plucky: (Deadpan, to the camera) Am I the only one that notices the blackmail here? (Baffled) An’ who the heck is Saul? (To F,S&H) Y’know what, fine! Ta quote Burger King, have it your way! He throws his hands in the air. They snap off of his wrists. You can be in my show, but don’t start whinging once you’ve got what ya want!
His hands fall back down and bonk him on the head.
Fifi: (Cheerfully) Je suis trés hereux zat vous ‘ave seen ze sense, Plucky. Vous shall not regret zis.
Plucky: (Bluntly) I already do.
Fifi’s happy smile slowly fades as Plucky stares her down. Before they can spar, Hamton interrupts.
Hamton: (Nervously) Soooooo... Plucky! Since yer dad won’t take us ta Wisconsin... How’re we gonna get there?
Shirley: (Concerned) Like, yeah... Mondo problemo... Plucky: (Sulkily) Hey! My only job in the show is acting. Stuff like that’s your problem!
Fifi glares at Plucky, but the pig speaks again as if he is trying to stop any conflict arising.
Hamton: Well, uh, if that’s the case, th-then I guess I know somebody who could give us a ride!
The camera cuts to a terrified Plucky, who appears to be clinging onto a fire hydrant in terror. We zoom out to reveal that Hamton is trying to pull him towards a currently unknown location.
Plucky: (Genuinely terrified) NO! NOOOOOO!!!!
Hamton: (Straining) Honestly, Plucky, I don’t see what the big deal is! Uncle Stinky said he was more than glad ta take us ta Wisconsin!
Plucky: (Screaming) NO!! HIGH-TOPS!! TATTERED OVERCOAT!! PALE COMPLEXION!!
Hamton: (To the camera) Y’know, there were reports of an escaped maniac with that description... (To Plucky) I honestly don’t see what yer problem is! Fifi doesn’t mind him!
Plucky: (Sarcastically) Oh, what a surprise!
Shirley walks up to them with a peg on her bill. She looks unimpressed by her boyfriend’s behaviour.
Shirley: (Her voice nasally due to the peg) Like, Pl-ucky! Yer behaviour is mondo uncool. Ya wanted us ta find transport, an’ we have. Quit whinin’ an’ be a man, err, duck, or some junk.
Plucky suddenly lets go of the fire hydrant, and he and Hamton fly backwards, crashing into the wall of what appears to be a mobile home. Fifi walks over to the green duck and immediately rips him off of Hamton.
Fifi: (Deadly calm, to Plucky) Zere eez something ah ‘ave forgotten to tell vous. Ah ‘ave been watching your cartoons avec Hamtone, et ah find your treatment of ‘im...disturbing. When vous are not acting...ah would think zat eet would be wise eef vous do NOT harm un single hair on ‘is head.
Plucky: (Cheerfully) That’ll be easy! He doesn’t have any hair! The camera cuts to him sporting a black eye and a bloody nose. (Bitterly) Women...can’t take a joke!
The camera cuts to Hamton talking to Uncle Stinky as Shirley climbs aboard the mobile home. Please note that Uncle Stinky doesn’t speak except for snorts and grunts. His translations are shown in brackets.
Hamton: Thanks again for takin’ us ta Wisconsin with ya, Uncle Stinky!
Uncle Stinky: (It is of no difficulty whatsoever, dearest nephew. Merrily, I was rolling along to the North Central to wallow alongside my closest companions in a mixture of water and soil at a yearly competition.)
Hamton: (To the camera) Uncle Stinky has such a way with words!
Shirley emerges from the mobile home.
Shirley: Like, he’s also got such a way with cleanliness, too! (To the camera) Mondo ironic, I know.
We cut to a view of the mobile home’s interior. It’s so spotless, it’s creepy. Fifi suddenly emerges from the bathroom, green mist billowing out behind her. Shirley turns green and begins to hack and cough, while Hamton and Uncle Stinky sigh with satisfaction.
Fifi: (To the camera, indignant) Quoi? Ah was just washing ma ‘ands!
She crosses over to join Shirley, Hamton and Uncle Stinky as the musk begins to clear out, when Plucky, who has rid himself of his injuries, appears in the doorway.
Plucky: (Impatiently, to the group) I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but this show is supposed ta be about me…not you! Stop takin’ up my screentime! He looks around in confusion. By the way…why’re we settin’ off from Hammy’s house?
Hamton: Uh, well, Uncle Stinky was staying here until he had ta go back to Wisconsin.
Fifi: Et we thought zat we should make our departure, how-you-say, high-key.
Hamton: (Gently correcting) Low-key…
Plucky: (Baffled) What does the god of mischief hafta do with it?
Shirley: Like, what they mean is that we’re keeping our exit quiet. If the others find out what we’re gonna do, we’ll totally be in trouble!
Plucky: Hmmm… (To Shirley) You have a point, my meditating mistress! (Bitterly) If those scene-stealing rabbits discover my… He balks as Fifi glares at him. Uh, OUR plan for a superior spinoff, they’ll go cryin’ ta Steven!
Hamton: (Sighs) Tell me about it…
Fifi: (To Uncle Stinky) So, zen… are we ready pour ze off, Uncle Stinky?
Uncle Stinky: (Verily!)
Shirley: Like, look out, Wisconsin, here we come!
Uncle Stinky crosses over to the cab of the mobile home, and the four Toonsters climb aboard. The camera cuts to the interior of the vehicle. Plucky, Shirley, Fifi and Hamton are sat at the breakfast table. Outside, we see the background slowly begin to move, showing that the mobile home is getting underway.
Plucky: (Slumping in his seat) Okay, I’m bored.
Hamton: (Excited) OOH! How about a rousing rendition of 99 Bottles of Non-Alcoholic Beverage on the…
Plucky: (Terrified) NO!!
He clutches his heart and we hear a pounding heartbeat getting faster and faster for five seconds. The camera cuts to Fifi, Hamton and Shirley looking perplexed.
Shirley: (Confused) ANYway… Hamton is right, Pl-ucky. We oughta come up with a new theme song for our spinoff, or some junk.
Fifi: (Musing) Oui! Mais eet ‘as to be different from ze show we used to be on. So zat we can, how-you-say, stand out.
Hamton: (Pondering) Perhaps a parody of a well-known song?
Plucky immediately recovers with a wide grin on his face.
Plucky: (To the camera) I feel a song coming on! A theme song…
The camera cuts to Uncle Stinky. He turns on his radio.
# I Got You Babe – Sonny and Cher (Instrumental)
Shirley: (Singing) Like, Wisconsin's where we're gonna go, so that we'll get our own spinoff show!
Plucky: (Singing) A show where we'll all be free, it's gonna be great 'cos the main star's gonna be ME! It's mine!
Shirley: (Singing) Like, it's our show!
Plucky: (Singing) No, it's my show!
Hamton: (Singing) Plucky's tryin' ta fulfil his dream, but doesn't he know that there's no I in team?
Fifi: (Singing) We shall just 'ave to see, mais 'e may ruin our big break on TV!
Plucky: (Singing) It's mine!
SH&F: (Singing) No, it's our show!
Plucky: (Singing) More like MY show! I'll be famous, wait an' see! A duck is better...than a bunny!
Shirley: (Singing) Like, Plucky! Don't ya see? That yer show...needs an extra three?
Hamton: (Singing) The time taken may be long, but if we work together, nothing can go wrong!
Fifi: (Singing) A show eez vat we want to do, mais do not make eet just all about vous!
Plucky: (Singing) It’s mine!
SH&F: (Singing) No, it’s OUR show!
Plucky: (Singing) Make it MY show! I’m the one in high demand!
Hamton: (Singing) I don’t think you understand!
Plucky: (Singing) I’m the one who deserves the love!
Fifi: (Singing) Don’t vous dare give us ze shove!
Plucky: (Singing) I’ll make the ratings soar so high!
Shirley: (Singing) Like, where’s yer slice of humble pie?
Plucky: (Singing) I’ll no longer be NUMBER TWO!
SH&F: (Singing) Don’t forget us when you do!
We cut to the exterior of the mobile home as if drives off into the setting sun.
Plucky: (Singing) It’s mine!
SH&F: (Singing) No, it's our show!
Plucky: (Singing) Make it MY show!
SH&F: (Singing) More like OUR show!
The song begins to fade as the camera pans up into the night sky. It halts on a huge golden star, which Plucky suddenly jumps up onto and poses smugly. A heart-shaped bubble floats up next to the star, and Shirley, Fifi and Hamton jump up and pose on that.
TO BE CONTINUED
Based on an idea pitched by: Mopar96
Creative Consultants: Pepe K, Leloni Bunny, HKUriah, The J.A.M
Co-written by: Pepe K
Theme Song Lyrics by: Redtop95
 This scene was suggested and written by Pepe-K. The writer expresses his gratitude.