Glowing. The sparkle of lights down below the bridge was dazzling him. They were just like the lost souls in his eyes, wandered around to find the right place for themselves. They were free. No responsibility, no burden of life, no bond with anybody, or anything. They were totally free.
He had tired already. He had tired with his life, with everything around him. He wanted to disappear, joined together with those lost souls down there. He wanted to fly freely, releasing all the burdens he carried within him, all the guilty, all the uneasiness feeling haunted him last days, and all of the pain, he wanted to throw them away from him.
“You broke our family apart.” Those words mingled in his head on and on. It poisoned him and started to kill him slowly from the inside. A half of his heart couldn’t feel anything anymore.
My father was right. I screwed up everything. My mother wouldn’t have to work that hard if the family wasn’t broken apart. She would still cook for us everyday happily. Her smile would always be plastered on her face, and it would honestly come from her heart. Not like now. She would only smile to comfort me, tried hard to assure me that everything was all right when it wasn’t. She had never worked all her life before. And now, for me, to earn our living, she has to. I never saw her tired face all my life. And now I have to face it every day. She always tried to hide it with her smile but I did realize it. Her eyes talked everything. It couldn’t hide her tiredness. I really screwed up everything. I shouldn’t even exist. I should disappear. It will be the best way for everybody around me. Everything will be back to normal if I disappear. Everybody will live happily without my existence.
He gulped at the sounds of trains coming and going in front of him. They were just like the soft voice invited him to join them, and let all the burden of his life flew away, made him free.
Unconsciously he reached for the rail of the bridge and gripped it tightly when suddenly a hand grabbed his shoulder from behind.
He turned around and saw a really big smile on the face of his best friend.
“What are you doing here?” He hissed coldly, tried to hide his raising heart beat from the sudden grab.
“I should be the one who ask you what are you doing here.” Ren pouted slightly as for him it was a weird question came from Yamato. It had been their habitual activity to hang around on the café or just loitering around the city without destination every day after school, but lately, Yamato was trying hard to avoid them and always bid goodbye before everyone could move from their desk after Yankumi dismissed the class for the day. “Everyone is waiting for you in the usual place.”
Yamato turned over and walked away. “I’m going home.”
“No.” with that Ren grabbed his hand and pulled him to go down the stairs of the bridge. “You can’t go home before you meet them. You’ve been avoided us for who knows how long and they couldn’t take it anymore. You had better meet them now or they will crash on to your home.”
No answer. Yamato wanted to refuse but his body betrayed him. He just followed him obediently along the way down the stairs until they lost in the sea of people on the street.
Not far from there, on the opposite side of the bridge, two figures stared each other. They sighed heavily, relieved that what they thought Yamato would do never done.
“I thought he will jump.” The younger breathed heavily, let out all of the stiffness he felt a while ago.
“Yeah, I thought too. My heart stopped beating for seconds. I thought we will lose him.”
They stared each other again.
“Don’t you thing we’re too far imagining something?”
The older looked up to the dark sky and kept silence for a moment. A little doubt mixed with worry crept out of his mind. He tried hard to sweep it away together with the sigh he let out. “I hope so. But this is Yamato we’re talking about. According to Aunt Yoshiko he looked down lately after the incident with Uncle Tatsuo. He tried to cover it but she could read him clearly.” He stared at the trains down below and sighed again. “Seriously, I couldn’t even predict what he will do now. But I am really sure he has something in his mind. I just .., don’t want him choose the wrong path. He still has a big chance. It’s not too late to start all over again.”
“Yeah, you’re right.” The younger leaned his back on the rail of the bridge. “We didn’t meet him for so long and he had transformed into a really strange person for me.” He shook his head weakly. “I’m really curious about what really had happened, but knowing him, he won’t spill it out.”
“He is our cousin, remember. Not just him. We also won’t spill everything out easily.”
The younger looked at him silently before they chuckled together.
“I guess it run within the family, right?”
“What? Our stubbornness? Yeah, you’re absolutely right.” The older one leaned on to the rail of the bridge and narrowed his eyes as the glowing lights down below sparkled his eyes. The sound of the train passed by in front of him was too noisy for him. He sighed heavily. “He was a cheerful when he was a child.”
“And he was always tailing everyone, curious with everything and always asked about anything.”
“Such a noisy he was.”
They fell into silent for a moment, remembering a very cute boy who always tailed them everywhere and asked them everything he saw. A very noisy boy.
“Honestly I didn’t recognize him when I met him few days ago.”
“You’ve met him?”
The older sighed again. “I passed by the park and saw a bunch of high school students passing by. I saw myself in them, not realizing that Yamato was one of those kids until Yankumi came and called him.”
“No wonder you didn’t recognize him. He became a very silent person.”
Again, they fell into silent, starring at the sparkling lights down the bridge.
“Any plan?” the older of them turned around and leaned his back into the railing.
“Maybe we could do something since you don’t have anything to do right now. Do you?”
The older kept silent for a while before nodded. “I passed Waseda few years ago and they still want me to join them so I guess I will give a try.”
“Sure you do. It would be a waste if you leave it. Even though I believe that you could still pass even if they force you to do the entrance examination.”
The older smiled slightly. “My heart suddenly told me to make a decision so I did. Actually I was still not sure until I saw Yamato.”
They stared each other again.
“Is he still drawing?”
The younger shrugged. “I really don’t know anything about him right now. I’ve lost contact since years ago. We’ve never been met since our last visit at grandpa’s house. It was the last time I saw him honestly.”
The older breathed heavily. He didn’t have a single thought of blaming him because he knew it wasn’t anybody’s fault at all. He’d been through the rebellion stage. The person in front of him had also been through that stage too. And now the youngest of them been through that stage too. Every one of them had a reason, a really big reason to fall into that stage, so he believed that the youngest of them had his reason too. He just wished that he would realize that everything would be just fine soon, that this stage was just a little intermezzo of their life, and he would go back on his track and focused on his future again.
“So .., I guess we should start from the beginning again.”
The younger looked at him and chuckled. “You know what? Natsumi will hug you endlessly because of your care to Yamato. She’s very fond of him.”
The older chuckled. He could imagine how happy his sister would be if she knew that he met the boy.
“I live alone now. Want to stay?”
The older smiled slightly. “Sure.”
They stared each other and promised with unsaid words that they will make everything back to normal. The normal things they knew before everything went out of hand.