“Thump .. thump .. thump ..”
He clearly heard his head throbbing hard together with his heart beat. This class is too noisy. Why should everybody talk at the same time? Why don’t they try to talk one after another? Isn’t it the best way to understand others’ talking? How do they manage to understand someone’s talking while they’re talking together like that?
“Do you want to go to the infirmary?”
Yamato lifted his head and met the concern look of Honjo. He shook his head and sat straightly on his chair.
“You look miserable, really. You’re pale. Are you really okay?”
“I’m fine. Don’t worry. I’m just tired.”
Honjo looked at him, not believing of what he said. But he knew Yamato the longest so it would be a waste if he asked further. He would always avoid him and tried hard to look fine. Honjo sighed and turned away to meet Ichimura was looking at him, throwing him a silent question. He just shook his head as an answer.
“He looks down lately. Do you know what happened? Is he really okay? Did he say something? You didn’t do something weird, did you? ”Yamaguchi stopped them on their way home few days ago in the hallway. Nobody could answer that question because they didn’t know what had happened too. Yamato dashed out the classroom few minutes after his arrival and then Ren followed him not long after. And they never came back to school after that. They couldn’t even reach Yamato’s phone. It turned off.
Ichimura sighed heavily remembering that day. He turned around when somebody poked his side.
“Is he okay?” Matsukata asked him in concern. “He doesn’t look like his usual. He looked really uncomfortable.”
Ichimura smiled and nodded. “He’s just tired.”
“Is he working or something?”
“No. But he lives with his mother only now so maybe he does all of the chores while his mother is working.”
“Ah, you’re right. That’s why he always looks tired lately.”
Ichimura smiled again, relieved that everybody tried to understand Yamato’s condition. They didn’t try to push him to answer or explain everything. They just kept their eye on him like if they turned away even once, he will fall any time. It was like that everyone was alerted. He was too. He was afraid that something bad had happened to Yamato. He saw a slight bruise on his arm few days ago. A bruise he tried hard to hide. A bruise he believed that it wasn’t came from a fight. He wanted to ask but he was afraid that Yamato would avoid him so he let him be.
Again, the cold air welcomed him as he walked down the street. But now, he was not alone. His buddies walked together with him. They joked around as usual, with random topics which lead them to the never ending laughter. He was only smiled slightly for the jokes. He didn’t feel like to do it but some of their jokes were really funny. Mostly, because he knew that some of them stole glances on him all the time.
“Let’s go to the game center.” Kuraki asked them suddenly.
“Yeah ..., I want to pay my lost. And wait, Kura. I will win this time!” Honjo screamed out of his lungs, made the others laughed again.
“You won’t~” Kuraki stuck his tongue out of him.
And the battle between the both of them became the epic show for them for the rest of the time. They laughed for Honjo’s lost for the nth time today but he still didn’t want to admit it. He tried again and again and never won against Kuraki. Yamato turned away from them when a hand reached him.
“Where are you going?”
He turned to Ren. “Toilet.”
“Ah, I see.” Ren nodded his head many times, slightly embarrassed with his sudden grab. “We’ll wait here.”
Yamato smiled slightly, realizing his friend’s worried feeling before went to the back side of the building. Honestly he didn’t want to go to the toilet but he didn’t have any other reason to get out of the room. He couldn’t stand the crowd of the room. It was too noisy, too much people, too many sounds mingled in the air together at one time. He washed his hand without looking at the mirror. He was afraid of that thing because lately he saw his own shadow always smirked at him every time he took a glance over that thing. Sometimes he saw it laughed hard, mocking him like he was the most stupid person in the world.
Yes he was.
He had admitted this many times. He did realize that he was the most stupid person in the world. He was a burden, a happiness destroyer, and he should disappear so everybody could be happy.
“Yes. Why don’t you just disappear then? Why don’t you kill yourself? That’s better than living as a burden”
Yamato jerked from the train of his thought. He saw his shadow in the mirror smirked at him, mocked him. His eyes widen when he saw it raised the hand up and cut it. The red crimson flew out of the wound, created a line in the arm before falling to the floor below.
“See? It doesn’t hurt at all. You should try it. It won’t take long too. This is the fastest way if you want to kill yourself.”
Yamato stunned at his place. He didn’t dare to move. The flow of the blood made him shiver. He gulped hard while staring at it.
“With this, you’ll make everybody around you happy. They don’t have to be suffered anymore because their burden had already lost. They will live happily ever after.”
Yamato lost his words. He couldn’t even move his foot. He wanted to run away but his body refused. He felt like he was hypnotized.
“Come on~. What are you waiting for? You know where you can get the knife. Ah! You don’t even need a knife. Just find any sharp thing around you then it will work. Suggestion, do it fast so you won’t have any regret.”
Yamato rooted in his place. He didn’t move. His body was shaking slightly, affected by the words. Maybe he was right. There was no point in his life. His existence would only make others miserable. All would return to normal if he disappeared. Dead.
A loud bang of the cubicle door woke him right away. He turned and saw a scary man walked passed him, staring at him weirdly. He turned back to the mirror and blinked many times when he saw nothing but himself in the mirror. No smirk, no mock, just him. He moved his right hand to touch the mirror and the shadow touched him back like it used to be. He sighed slightly before walked away to the door, tried hard to forget everything he saw, or heard, or imagined. He couldn’t think anything. His mind full of the thought of what his own shadow talked about.
What if I really kill myself? Would it really be the good thing for everybody? Will anyone cry for me?
Suddenly he stopped walking.
Mom. She will cry for me for sure. There’s no way I kill myself if I will make her cry. She had enough suffered from these craps. She should be happy so I have to bear these shits until I find a way to get over it. She has the right to be happy after all the things that happened all this time. I will survive with all these shits that happened to me as long as it can bring happiness to my mother. I do not want to see her cry anymore. It hurt me more to see her tears.
He stayed still in his place again until somebody bumped over him at the door.
“Watch your way, asshole!”
Yamato snapped and saw the boy in front of him. The boy’s eyes widen when he realized the one he bumped. He then moved away from the toilet fast without word.
Yamato still tried hard to afford the situation. His mind suddenly started working again after the bump. He saw the boy and suddenly remembered that he knew him.
He gasped and tried to find the boy immediately. But he lost his track when he arrived at the game area. Too many people in the room so he found it difficult to find a figure he remembered. Reita. He looked different now. Yamato gasped again. He looked at himself and watched the crowd in front of him again. His eyes blinked few times. Reita was a very neat boy so far he remembered. He hated his hair being colored. It should be black, but he saw it brown. Was something happened to him? Was he involved to something bad now? He looked mad at something. Was it because of him standing by the door for so long?
No. it’s not that. It’s something inside him. Something he could read thoroughly about him.
He sighed when he couldn’t find any clue of his childhood friend, and went back to his friends which waited impatiently.
“What took you so long?” Kuraki pouted when he saw Yamato approached them.
“What made you took a very long time there?” Ren asked him while handed him his school bag.
Ren looked at him in disbelief. For seconds he just stared at Yamato who walked away from him. His back looked very lonely.
“Don’t force him. You will only get rejection if you do that.”
Ren turned to see Yamaguchi also stared at his best friend without blinking.
“What are you doing here?”
Yamaguchi smiled at him. “This is my way home~. See you …” She then turned to the opposite direction of him.
Ren silently looked at his teacher. Something popped out of his mind. Yamaguchi had been following them all along. There was no way she was on her way home while her home was on the opposite side of the city. She was worried about Yamato too. She must realize something too. Yamato was obvious. He was hiding something and everybody tried hard to find out about it.