"I-Izaya..." I try to stop him from talking.
"Hm? What is it?" Izaya asks, looking perfectly normal.
I play around with his hair, not sure what to talk about.
"Um, what would-" I look into his eyes, "What would you do if I died?"
Izaya suddenly shoots up from his bed, "No! You can't?" He was already in the verge of tears.
"I'm not going to die," I assured him, "Just... what if?"
Izaya relaxes his tensed body, "Then what's the point of living?"
"Well, the point of living-"
"It was a rhetorical question!" He interrupted, "Because if you died then what's the point of my life without you?!"
I couldn't go further into this topic, "I'm going to get you breakfast now."
Izaya grabs onto my arm, "I'm not hungry."
"Well you need to have some energy to do things and food is just the right answer," I pat his head.
He shakes my hand away from his head, "I don't need it."
"Yes you do."
"You have to eat."
I put my hand on his shoulder, "Yes."
"N-No!" Izaya smacks my hand away, "J-Just leave me alone!"
I didn't know what to say, so I just left his room. I didn't leave the asylum, just his room.
I go to Izaya's door, holding a cup of yogurt. I put it down and place a plastic spoon on top of it. I knock on his door and hide at the corner of the hallway. Izaya opens his door and looks left and right, then at the ground. He kneels down and examines the yogurt. After what seemed like an eternity, he finally picks it up and closed his door. I go in front of his room and knock once more.
I hear Izaya shuffling to get the door, but I started to talk before he could open it, "You don't have to answer, just hear me out."
There was silence.
"Whatever you do, just eat something," I leaned on his door.
"I- I'm not eating!" Izaya stutters, but from the inside, I could already hear him tearing open the lid.
I smile, "I'm going to leave early today."
I didn't want him to leave, I truly didn't. I never had a fight with Shizu-chan either, but when we were discussing about food and shit, it was just a really touchy subject for me. I don't even know why I got pissed off.
I finished eating the yogurt and decided to keep the empty container of yogurt on my desk. Just to keep me through the day.
I look through my window and see patients and workers side by side with each other. Pretending that they liked to talk with one another. What a bunch on fakes. Bet you don't have somebody coming into your room to rape and torture you every day. Right? Right?
Gosh, I loathe them, but even more, I loathed myself. I hated myself because I still had the courage to envy other patients. For wanting what they have, I still had desires. It shows me that I'm just one step away from being a monster. I still had feelings, meaning that I was still human. But what is human? Nobody in the whole world could answer that, even science won't provide you the right answer.
I began to laugh at them from my window. What pitiful souls.
Since I had very little energy, I took a nap. The only two things I could do was sleep and breathe. Talking also became a challenge for me. It took all of my energy to even sprout a word. But I save all that energy to keep up a conversation with Shizu-chan.
I lay on the bed and closed my eyes. I began to sleep again, but my door opens loudly. It was already 11 o'clock PM, curfew around here was 9 o'clock PM. Unless...
"Wakey wakey!" Mr. K. talks like a baby and closes the door behind him.
I sigh quietly. It's this bitch again. I pretended to sleep, but opened one eye to see what he was doing. He walks up to my desk and notices the empty yogurt cup Shizu-chan gave to me.
"What trash is lying around in your room? The only trash in here should be you!" He throws the yogurt cup onto the floor and squishes it under the sole of his shoe.
"NO!" I screeched and tackled him onto the ground.
My eyes were wide awake. My blood was rushing. I was angry- No, I was furious!
"You fucking idiot! Why would you do that?! Are you seriously ill?!" I was strangling his neck, "Let's get you some help!"
Mr. K. wasn't getting much air, but why do I care? He tried to reach for my arms, but I only squeezed tighter.
"You!" He pushed me away.
Between the both of us, I wasn't much stronger than him, not in this shape. I jumped on his back as he gasped for air. I was digging my nails into his cheeks, and threw his glasses on the floor, hard enough so it would crack.
"How do you like that now? Having your things get broken, huh?" I yelled.
I held onto the small patch of hair he had on his head as he tried to shake me off. My grip was firm, but Mr. K. tried to crush me on the wall. I finally let go and fell onto the ground. He clutched onto my shirt and repeatedly punched my right eye until it was swollen.
Luckily, he was unfit for doing any sort of physical activity for a long time. So he let go of me and leaned on the wall for his lack of stamina.
"Dammit, my mood is ruined thanks to you!" He grumbled.
"Good!" I retorted.
"You monster!" He kicked me in the stomach.
I lay on the floor, silent, not knowing what to do. He noticed my silence and started to kicked me over and over again.
"Why aren't you showing any reaction?!" He shouted in frustration.
"You already said it yourself, I'm a monster!" I started to laugh, "I don't feel pain anymore!" I looked at him in the eye and he showed fear.
"Tch, I-I'm going! T-This is a waste of time." Mr. K. runs out of my room, leaving my door wide open.
I get up and look at the opened door.
"What a bad idea M. K." I was talking to myself, "These doors are automatically locked from the outside of my room when it's curfew, the only way for it to be opened is for someone to open it from the outside, but look at this, it's opened all the way, what a very very bad idea."
I touch my swollen eye, but I don't flinch. I really couldn't feel pain. My hands are ice cold, but I felt warm for some reason. All I knew was that I had my strength back.
And my memories...
But I'm not stopping here! I go under my bed and take out the 10 gallons of gasoline I looted a while back ago.
"Now, now, where's my matches," I looked around, "Oh, there it is!" I picked it up and tucked it in the back of my waistband.
I sneak into the cafeteria and took one of the carts they used to gather the dirty dishes. I went back to my room and loaded the 10 gallons of gasoline on the cart.
I look around my room and from my window, rain starts to fall. What a perfect day! I take one of the jugs and open it, I started to spill the gasoline on my floor. I made a trail of gasoline as I rolled the cart out of my room.
I go left and poured the liquid all over place, humming the song "Rain, Rain, Go Away." I swayed back and forth, plastering a huge smile on my face. Portraying that I was happy.
But in reality I was dying inside.
After a while, the gasoline had made its way to the top floor and back. It was time to light it up. I light up a match and throw it in the liquid. I watched it spread from left to right. I look outside and noticed that it was still raining.
I started to sing in a calm, but eerie voice.