Forlorn Hope

The Journal

3 The Journal

Damn. I don't even know why I'm starting one of these things. I was bullied into it- that's why! I guess I'm not as good an actor as I thought- Moony figured out something was wrong. I swore I would never let anyone know what was bothering me, but I guess that is no longer an option. I have never believed one could take his secrets to the grave- truth always finds a way, secrets always come out- always. That is why I have decided to write it all down here- no lies. Then I can be rid of this burden and end my torment. I never trusted pensieves, and I have great experience with hiding what has been written.

So, after I dump the entire story into these pages, I'm tossing this into a vault in Gringotts, altering my memory to bear no recollection of these events, all so that I may finally regain my peace. Some would say simply erasing my memory would have been better since this can still be found, but that is the entire problem. If crossed out when the truth comes out, someone will have to know the entire story, not just the signs that something was not as it seemed. I guess this book is as much for me as for the others involved, especially him. I suppose this is also a way for me to try to excuse what I have done. At least here everything will be answered, or at least as much as can be through my pen. I am not proud of my actions, nor of their consequences, which some would say are punishment enough.

The boy has already been dealt with. I had a good Auror friend of mine (I will not name him here, for he helped without knowing what would come of his assistance) let me use a healthy dose of Oblitesco that they use to hide people in high danger from Voldemort. To my knowledge, it cannot be detected by anything, and I have never heard of it being reversed. He looks just like me now, save the eyes, Lily's eyes. She never figured it out- she never will. Snape- Snape doesn't know. The last thing I need is for him to find out. One would think he would at least have had the decency to safeguard against such things! People say I'm always prepared- Semper Parraro- Hell! Why couldn't I have been prepared for this? Lily is just so ecstatic about the little bugger- hell, I love him too! Especially since he no longer resembles the slimy git. I'll keep him from acting like him too. He WILL be a Potter- no ifs, ands, or buts.

I gotta go; Harry is crying again, I swear he knows when people are talking (writing, in this case) about him! The kid is really smart too, must have inherited Lily's brains- hopefully he only got his looks from the git.

After weeks of trying to break his old friend's charm, this was what greeted him. Remus put down the book, leaning back into the old chair. He had originally hoped to give this to Harry as a birthday present. The boy always wanted to know more about Lily and James, and just telling him the best times of their lives was not going to cut it much longer. When Remus gave James the book, he knew something was up, but he didn't think it was anything like, well, this! He sighed as he thanked all the deities that he had decided to read the book before giving it to the boy. At first, he figured he could rip out any pages that could prove too troubling for the boy, saying it was recovered from the ruins of Godric's Hollow long ago, kept within a vault till now. That would account for any damage Remus would have inflicted on the book.

No, there was no way he could give even a page of this to Harry- poor kid.

Composing himself, Remus once again picked up the book, opening to a rather random page, hoping to find Merlin-knows-what.

root of the problem. Nothing good ever came from arranged marriages, any normal person could vouch on that. Cecilia Hera Flevin, now Snape, is a prime example of this. I never figured out whom she actually loved, I guess her duties kept her from ever freeing her emotions- a smart move, if I may say so. If only Severus had done the same. He has always been deeply in love with Lily, I don't think there was a time he ever actually didn't love her- despite house rivalries! He told me this later on of course, when our work for Dumbledore forced us into a mutual understanding, if not a friendship. It's truly sad, how love plays with people's hearts, how cruel the fates can be. While Severus loved Lily, she loved me, and I… I loved the one person I thought I could never have- Cecilia. I think I've had a crush on the girl since fourth year, maybe even third, anyways, the Ravenclaw was already spoken for. Since my marriage, I have often wondered just why I married Lily, if it was to allow at least her heart to live out its desire, if I had started to fall for her, or if it was to subconsciously get back at dear Severus. He had the girl I wanted, and I had his dream wife. The arrangement, however it was conceived, spawned a new idea- my idea. The original plan was simple, if not innocent- a night with the girl we had wanted since boyhood. Severus has always excelled at potions, it was not difficult for him to tweak the Polyjuice Potion to last six hours- plenty of time.

To my amazement, he agreed, reluctantly albeit, but still. The potion was a one-time deal, I couldn't tell you exactly how he did it, but he did mention something about brewing it with the hair of the subject instead of just adding it at the end, though I can safely assume that was but one of his alterations. We agreed to wipe the recipe from his memory, seeing how such a potion could very well anger the ministry. The potion worked better then expected, mine lasting almost nine hours. I will not get into any details here, but both of us agreed that night was pure bliss. Neither of the girls suspected anything and we acted as if nothing out of the ordinary ever occurred. I told you I was a good actor, though Snape is far better than I am. It would have stayed that way had not the idiot forgotten to take any precautions.

I did the paternity test the night she told me, careful not to wake her. I was almost ready to kill him once I performed the spell- what kind of idiot doesn't use protection? I realized, of course, the consequences of what would happen if I did yell at him- he would know. The child is a boy, my HEIR, and I will not have his father sabotaging the Potter line. Severus had told me how much he had wanted a child, to have one with Lily would have pushed him to claim the little bugger. He wouldn't have destroyed our marriage for Lily's sake, probably, but he would have at least taken the boy. The Oblitesco was applied before we even left the hospital, Lily saw him only once for a brief moment in his true form, she never noticed the then subtle changes. He will look just like me now, taking my Father's name as his own. There will be absolutely nothing to even hint that his parentage is not what it seems. Snape's mannerisms and habits can be erased with a little effort if fought early enough, and the few that remain will not draw attention. Even though one can only apply Oblitesco once in a lifetime, I have never heard of it wearing away, even after decades.

I obliviated him. The slimy git had to press the matter. What can I say, he got too close, he just got too close. I guess his own demons started to haunt him… He actually wanted us to tell the girls what we had done! How could we do that? It would ruin all our lives, not to mention rouse suspicion around Harry. What if Lily demanded the paternity test? What would any of us do then? Now I alone know the reality of this whole mess, making this journal that much more necessary. When I cut the incident out of his mind, I also deleted our friendship and (hopefully at least a part of) his love for Lily. There is a way for him to regain these memories; I could not bring myself to destroy them completely, but the way to retrieve them lies only in this book. If he can read what is on these pages, there is no need to keep him from the memories. I will write the spell later, in the back, after I tell what must be told. My memories I choose to delete forever, there is no situation I could think of where I would have rather have kept them intact. I am working on several additional charms to place on the boy, giving him my vision and something to make a paternity test name me as the father, among others. I need to have all bases covered now, ALL OF THEM!

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