I’ve never felt loved.
From as far back as I can remember I have always felt as though there was something wrong with me, something that just didn’t seem to fit.
The same goes with my mother.
We were outcasts in this world, though we were different from each other.
She lied to me every day of my life, she kept a distance between us. It was like I reminded her of something she didn’t want to remember.
I was a burden.
Kanade walked through the front gates of her new school Cross Academy, dragging her bags along side her. Although she is usually horrible with direction, there was no way she would miss such a place. It was so gigantically huge it towered over the small town that it occupied.
For anyone who didn't know any better they would think it was a castle rather than a mere high school. Never in a million years did Kanade expect a small town girl from North Dakota like herself would be attending a private school like this, let alone in a completely different country.
She only chose this place because she found one of their pamphlets in the drawer of her late mother's desk. The young girl came to the conclusion that her mother was thinking about sending her here for her sophomore year before she had died and attending a boarding school like this one seemed like the best way to dodge foster care since her father was long dead and she had no other family.
She was desperately looking around for someone, but not expecting much luck since it was almost close to 11 at night. She noticed a girl up ahead in what she assumed was the school uniform and relief washed over her.
"Uhh excuse me?" Kanade began to walk up to the girl, pulling her bags along her side.
"What are you doing out here!" The girl's eyes narrowed at her. Kanade took a step back, surprised at the girl's urgency. She had short, brown hair and big brown eyes; she was very small and petite. She was actually quite beautiful. "I want your name and class number!"
Kanade couldn't help but feel nervous, since the young girl was acting as if she was in trouble. Perhaps she thought that she was a trespasser.
"Um well, Kanade Yoshi, but I'm new and I'm supposed to go to the Chariman’s office. My flight got delayed though so I came a bit late…"
The girl's eyes softened, realizing she was getting all hyped up over nothing.
"Oh I'll take you there!"
She grabbed one of Kanade's bags and led her in the direction of one of the buildings up ahead. She was basically running though and she looked as though she had her guard up. Kanade couldn't help but wonder what was the matter.
The girl knocked on the double doors labeled "Chairman" and then pushed one open to reveal a man wrapped in a blanket drinking a cup of tea, he looked rather… cozy for a Chairman.
"Ahh Yuki! And you must be Kanade! I was afraid something had happened to you!" He talked in a very upbeat manner, silly in a way.
"Um well my flight got delayed, sorry I couldn't call you… my phone doesn't work out here."
"Oh well all that matters is that you’re safe now! Please take a seat." He gestured towards the chair across from his desk. Yuki was about to leave but he stopped her. "Yuki, please stay." She nodded in response and stood behind Kanade. The Chairman took in Kanade's captivating features. Her long, blonde, slightly wavy hair and her electric blue eyes that stood out more than anything. "You look so much like your mother."
Kanade couldn't help but feel a bit angry at his comment. She never liked hearing such words. Although she loved her mother, she never liked her. She found her mother's constant lying about anything to do with her father, who she wanted to know about so desperately, quite unforgivable; making her resent her in every way. When she was about to nod and pretend like she was flattered, she then realized exactly what he was saying.
It didn't' make any sense since her mother was antisocial with absolutely no friends and never left North Dakota, let alone the United States.
"You knew my mother?" He nodded in response. She instantly beamed when she realized that if he knew her mother, perhaps he knew the one person she had been kept in the dark about for many years. "Did you know my father?!"
She edged at her seat; eager for the answer that could change the way she looked at her life. It took every ounce of her willpower to restrain herself from jumping up from excitement. His eyes saddened and he hesitantly nodded again. She was too occupied with her eagerness to notice his distress and she felt a grin tug at her lips, which seemed to rarely happen lately. She had never met anyone who even knew her father's name other than her mother, who liked nothing more than to keep his identity a secret from her.
"Please, please tell me about him. What was his name? What did he do?”
Kanade just then noticed the distressed and saddened look he held, the same look that her mother would have whenever she even mentioned her father. She started to feel her rage pile up in her chest.
She hated that look; it was a look that meant there was going to be nothing but lies following it.
"I'm sorry but it is not my place to tell you." His tone became quite serious. Kanade couldn't help but let her anger take over. She stood up and slammed her hands on top of the desk.
He jumped back, startled by her sudden action. Yuki took a step forward; ready to protect her school Chairman and adopted father against any violent action.
"Not your place?!" She leaned over, trying to intimidate him into telling her the truth that she so craved for. "What is that supposed to mean?!"
"Your mother wouldn't have wanted it. Please sit back down." He calmly said, trying to avoid her gaze. She slowly did as he said; trying to hold in her anger, knowing it was probably best to not to get on the Chairman's bad side.
He couldn't help but be reminded of his other adopted child when he looked at her now; they were both so full of rage.
"At least tell me his name. Please." She begged, staring down at her hands that laid in her lap. He let out a sigh, knowing it was probably a bad idea.
"Yuzuru Takanashi." He cringed, just saying his name made him feel like he was betraying his promise to his long dead friends.
"Yuzuru Takanashi." She whispered to herself under her breath. That sounded like the most real answer she had ever gotten in all of her 15 years. She grinned at the fact that there was suddenly some truth in her life. She looked back up at him, eager to learn more. "How did you know them?"
The Chairman took a sip of his tea, ignoring her question.
"Right now I'd like to explain the rules and how this school works, since you have never been to a place like this before."
His tone became more upbeat now that he was moving onto a different subject. Kanade's smile deflated and her eyes saddened; disappointed that a name was the only truth she was able to ring out of him. Knowing that there was no need to bother him any further, she nodded. He grinned and took another sip of his tea before taking out a map of the school and placing it in front of the new student, her eyes widened in amazement at how big the school really was.
"This school is special. We split the students up by day and night classes. You will be attending the day classes of course. The day class student's dorms are the sun dorms here." He pointed to one side of the map that had a little sun drawing on it. "And the night classes dorms are the moon dorms here." He pointed to the other side of the map that had a little moon drawing on it. "However, since you are a bit late you will be staying here with me for the rest of this school year in one of my guest bedrooms." She was a bit surprised at his suggestion.
‘Why would he let me come here if there were no open dorms?’ She thought.
"Classes start at 7:30 and end at 3. The curfew for you to be back into your dorm, or in your case this building is 7 at night. You are not to leave school grounds unless I give you permission. Do you understand?" She reluctantly nodded. She didn't like to be told what to do since she found other people's judgment to be misleading. "Good! Make sure you keep your grades up! And do not break curfew!"
He folded up the map and handed it to her. She hesitantly took it, just now realizing that she would have to actually work hard to stay here since she was never all that great in school anyways.
"Yuki I would like you to show miss Yoshi around the school and help her get adjusted tomorrow." The girl nodded. Kanade stood up, ready to get settled in her room. "Also Kanade," She turned back at him wondering what other rules there could be. He gave her a sympathetic look. "I am so sorry about your mother. She was a great woman." Her eyes narrowed at him.
She did not like how he was talking about her as if she was a saint, since she was nothing of the sort. He obviously didn't know her well, cause if he did he would simply say 'I'm sorry' and be done with it. Instead of screaming at him for being an indecent liar, she simply nodded at him, trying to hide the fist she was making behind her back from holding in all the anger she felt with just the thought of her mother being talked about in such a kind way. She began to follow Yuki towards the door.
‘What now?’ She thought as anger rose. She stopped and turned back to him again, trying her best to keep a composed expression.
"If you would like we would very much appreciate if you would join us for dinner tomorrow night."
She thought about declining, but she came to the conclusion that she might be able to get some more truth about her father out of him if she did attend.
She nodded and then headed toward the door; ready to get out there before he could say anything further that might make her explode with fury. Yuki led her to her room, helping her with her things.
"Sorry about him. He is a bit odd but he just wants to help." Yuki had noticed how angry Kanade had become at just the mention of her own mother and didn't want her to think of the school Chairman as a prying man.
"I'm not that great with help." She let out a sigh, throwing her things onto her new bed. "Thanks. I'll see you tomorrow." Not bothering to look back at the shorthaired girl standing in the doorway.
"Do you want me to come over tomorrow and take you to your first class?" She asked with caution, afraid that Kanade might snap at her at any moment. She knew how to handle people like her, always seeming to be fighting a rage within them. She had lived with one for 4 years now.
"No it's fine. I have a map, I'll figure it out." She pushed Yuki out of the room, not able to take anymore of what she felt like was unnatural kindness and closed the door.
Kanade took a deep breath and took in her new room. It was pretty simple, nice bed. She walked over to the window, interested to see what kind of view she managed to get. She internally smiled when she saw the stars above and the dark silhouette of the trees in front of her. She always found the sheet of darkness the night brought comforting.
She opened the window and took in the fresh air. She sort of wished she was in the night class. She always found it hard to sleep at night, but had no problem during the daytime. Her mother called her a night owl and used to make her take sleeping pills to help her restlessness when the sun had set, but they never seemed to work very well.
It was the next morning and Kanade was desperately trying to find the classrooms, with already ten minutes past seven thirty.
‘So much for punctuality.’
She had her face buried in her map when she suddenly ran into someone, sending her to the ground. She tried to ignore the stinging pain from her scraped hands and looked up to see the jerk that had sent her falling.
She was taken aback with surprise to see that the one she had ran into was scowling down at her like she had just done something unforgivable, instead of offering his apologies. He was actually quite beautiful with his silver hair and shocking violet eyes.
"Shouldn't you be in class?" He growled, trying to intimidate her. She pushed herself up, just noticing the tattoo on his neck. She wondered how in the world he could get away with such a thing at a prestigious school like this.
"Shouldn't you be doing the same?" She teased, not affected in any way by his angry demeanor.
He was surprised that she hadn't cowered and run away from him like every other girl would have done. He narrowed his eyes at her and she imitated him, trying to hold back a laugh at how silly they probably looked. He looked the other way and she internally rejoiced; she had won the staring contest.
"Get to class." He walked past her, not bothering to look back.
Kanade watched after him, annoyed at how such a beautiful face had to belong to such an ass like him. She stuck her nose back in the map and tried to forget the encounter as she went back to trying to find her way.
She had been searching for what she thought might have been an hour, when really it was only 30 minutes. She decided to give up and wait to see if she could find the building when first period was over and students would be walking outside.
She was walking aimlessly around when she came across a small barn. She decided to take a look inside, finding a few horses behind stables.
She loved animals and couldn't help but feel comforted by their side. She was petting the one closest to the door, when she noticed a leg peeking out from behind one of the stable wall’s. Out of curiosity she went to see who could be lying in such a place and with her luck it was the attractive, scowling boy from earlier.
He was fast asleep on a pile of hay. Kanade couldn't help but feel jealous of his unconscious state. She was quite tired since she got only a few hours of sleep last night, as usual.
She thought that her sleeping pattern would be at least a little different seeing as she would be in a completely different time zone, but that was simply not the case. She let out a yawn and noticed that there was another pile of hay straight across from the boy and was simply too tired to refuse its cushiony invitation.
She took off her jacket and laid on top of it, only expecting to rest her eyes for a few minutes until she heard some kind of bell to signal classes to be over, but instead she fell into a deep sleep.
"Hey! Girl! Wake up!" The boy bellowed from the pile
of hay across from her. Kanade slowly opened her eyes to see him glaring at her
with an annoyed look on his face. She narrowed her eyes at him.
"What is it grumpy?" She said as she rubbed her eyes, knowing that what she had just said would really get under his skin. He clenched his hands into fists, trying to hold back his anger.
"You're stalking me right? I'm not interested." He stood up and brushed off the excess hay stuck to his jacket.
Kanade stood up, instantly more attentive after hearing his words and somewhat offended. Did he really think of himself as that charming? Sure he was attractive, but she had no idea who he was and so far she was not impressed.
Except, how was she going to explain this? She just happened to come across him in probably his favorite place and decided to take a nap?
"What? I don't even know your name! I just happened to come across this barn and fell asleep!" She was never a good liar, just like her mom, but this was the truth and it still sounded like total crap.
"Do you need help finding your dorm?" He grumbled, not believing a word she was saying and just wanting to get rid of her.
She narrowed her eyes at him and tried her best to speak calmly.
"No I don't need your help." She started to walk out and towards the Chairman’s building, which she had just realized was in sight.
"That isn't the dorms!" He yelled after her.
'How stupid is this girl?' He thought.
'I know that, idiot!' She thought.
Later that night Kanade was looking out the window and studying the school grounds map, trying to figure out where the cafeteria and classrooms were since she had breakfast in the Chairman's kitchen this morning and never seemed to find her class.
There was a knock on her door. She went to go answer it and there stood the Chairman. She instantly felt guilt tug at her from not going to any of her class and prepared herself for a warning, despite the overwhelming grin spread across his face.
"Kanade! I'm so sorry I completely blanked on the fact that Yuki and Zero had their duties, but Yuki said she would cover Zero's ground for tonight so that you two can meet! Come! Dinner is ready!"
He gestured her to follow him and she did, completely shocked that he said nothing about her absence.
‘How stupid of me. Why would he care if I skip class? I'm not his responsibility.’ She thought.
She couldn't help but wonder who this Zero was, what an odd name. She followed the Chairman into the dining room to reveal the attractive scowling boy from earlier.
He was the last person she wanted to see and he felt the same way.
"Chairman why is she here?" He hissed, not liking that the girl who was “stalking” him today was anywhere within 10 feet of her.
She glared at him, not appreciating his tone of voice.
"Why is he here?” She crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes at him.
"You two know each other? Well you are in the same class but according to attendance both you and Zero did not attend any of your classes today." Kanade felt heat rise to her cheeks.
"I'm sorry Chairman, I got lost and never was able to find my way. I assure you it won't happen again."
She more than anything did not want the one person that was keeping her out of foster care to think that she was slacking off and kick her out of school. She sat down across from them.
"I see you must really not have a sense of direction to be lost for so long." He laughed. She forced herself to laugh with him, one of the other reasons she hated being around people who always seemed to be so unnaturally happy, she had to act as if she was happy as well.
They ate in silence. Kanade, wanting more than anything to ask about her father again, forced herself to keep quiet since she doubted that he would tell her anything now that she missed her entire first day of classes.
"Kanade." She looked up from her food, noticing how serious his tone suddenly became. Maybe he was about to scold her or maybe he was about to tell her something having to do with her father. She attentively waited for him to continue. "I am deeply sorry for all of the troubles in your life." Her eagerness turned to disappointment and anger.
‘So he pities me now… how annoying.’ She thought.
She looked back down at her food, trying to hide her emotions, which she knew showed easily on her face.
"What I'm trying to say is. I know you are all alone now, but if you would like you could be apart of our family." Her eyes widened, taken aback by his words. She looked up at him, hoping to God he was pulling some cruel joke. "Both Zero and Yuki also have no one else. I took them in when they were young. We are a family, and we would very much appreciate it if you joined us."
She looked over at Zero who kept focus on his food, seeming to show no interest in the conversation.
Kanade was disgusted by the idea of the four of them calling each other a family. She took a deep breath and tried her best to keep her tone calm. She stood up and grabbed her dishes, her appetite completely gone.
"Thank you for your kindness, but you do not want me. Even if you may know things about me even I am in the dark about, you still don't know me.” She looked down, an expression of sadness taking over as she whispered to herself. “Trust me… you don't want to."
She walked out of the room and into the kitchen, where she cleaned her dishes as quickly as she could and retreated to her room. She collapsed onto her bed and grabbed the sheets out of anger.
'Family? Why would they care? Why would they want me? They are just pretending. Just like everyone else. Always lying.’
She started to wonder how she even got here. What happened that got her stuck in such a foreign place?
She began to tear up, remembering her old life back at home and even though it was in no way satisfying and far from interesting, it was sure better than here, alone. She couldn't take it anymore. She always loved the enclosed walls of a small room she could call her own that separated her from the others, but now she just felt like she was trapped.
She ran out of her room and outside into the night. She just kept running, trying to escape this feeling of being helplessly caged. She stopped in front of a giant apple tree enclosed from the rest of the world that seemed to invite her in.
She couldn't help but feel like she had been here before, but was sure that if she had seen such a tree with its overpowering appearance that she would remember it.
She decided to take a rest, since she was almost out of breath from all the running, she's never been exactly in shape. She sat down and leaned against the tree, instantly feeling as if she was safe, no longer trapped behind walls.
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Then came the one feeling she thought she had escaped years ago. It felt as if she was being stabbed in the stomach, at her very core. She grabbed onto herself and tried to work through the pain until it passed. She remembered how her mother would always just say it was just period cramps, but Kanade knew cramps and those were nothing compared to this pain.
"Do you smell that?" A boy said. She assumed it was one of the night class students and decided to ignore it since she was in too much pain to bother.
"What is that?" Another boy said.
"Is it her?"
She couldn't help but wonder if it was her they were talking about her.
'Do I smell?'
She opened her eyes, expecting to see two boys watching her, but instead she surprisingly found Zero standing in front of her in a protective stance, hiding her view of the two before them.
"Get away from her!" Zero growled at the unidentified voices.
'What the hell are you doing here Zero? Stalker.' She thought.
She narrowed her eyes at his back, annoyed at the fact that he thought that she couldn't take care of herself. She was about to stand up and yell at him, despite the pain, but was soon interrupted.
"What is she?" One of the boys asked.
She was overcome with curiosity. 'Why would he ask a question like that?'
"Human and you aren't having a taste."
'Of course I'm human idiot!’
She closed her eyes and tried ignore the discomfort as she attempted to push herself up and confront him, but she suddenly felt like she was burning from the inside out. She let out a cry in pain.
Zero had picked her up, thinking she was unconscious. Shocked by her scream, he gripped onto her more tightly.
"Are you hurt?" He asked, not quite understanding what was the matter.
Tears streaming down her face, the burning feeling was so agonizing that it was hard for Kanade to say anything. He started to run to the Chairman's building, wanting to get her to her bed as soon as possible and have the Chairman look at whatever was causing her pain.
"Put me down." She finally managed to scream. Trying to push him away, despite the pain.
"Are you alright?" He asked, not listening to her demand.
"I'm fine, I can walk by myself." She growled through her teeth, desperately trying to breathe. She grabbed onto his arm and squeezed as hard as she could, trying to make him let go, but it was no use.
"We are almost there hold on."
She gave up and simply focused on working through the mysterious pain as much as possible.
"What were you doing out here passed out? You know you’re supposed to stay inside." She didn't respond, just simply tried her hardest to breathe. "Did you hurt yourself?"
"Let go." She managed to scream, not wanting to listen to his annoying questions anymore and simply desired to curl up into a ball. He opened her door and set her down on her bed. The burning pain faded into a slight piercing and then it disappeared. Kanade took a deep breath and wiped away her tears.
"Do you want me to get the Chairman?" Zero stood in the doorway. Kanade shook her head, simply wanting him to leave. He thought about doing it anyways, but decided against it. "Don't go outside at night. Next time there will be consequences." He said before closing the door and leaving her alone.
He leaned against her closed door and took a deep breath, she had smelled so good and he almost lost control when he was holding her for a moment. He had been trying his best to avoid as much human contact as possible, but it almost seemed like these past two days she was purposely trying to get him to drink her blood.
Although her presence was annoying, she seemed to remind her of himself. She didn't show one hint of fear when he gave her his frightening glare, every time she would open her mouth his words would make his blood boil, and he noticed that her eyes were also filled with anger. Even though she was so new to him, there was something about her underneath all the anger, something familiar.