Widow's Hill Notes to Dark Shadows

By Graeme Cree

Horror / Humor

Episode 16

EPISODE 16: Roger's car is totalled, Roger himself isn't. Liz learns that Roger's brakes failed and wonders if Burke was responsible.

At Collinwood, Liz gets a phone call from a telemarketer, trying to sell subscriptions to The Outdoorsman. Liz explains that she doesn't want a subscription to The Outdoorsman! She hasn't left Collinwood in 18 years!... No, she doesn't want a subscription to The Indoorsman, either!

Another call comes through, this one saying that Roger has been in an auto accident. Vicki anxiously asks if Roger is okay, but the opening credits roll before she can get an answer.

It turns out that Roger wasn't hurt too badly in the accident, but Liz wonders whether the accident really was an accident. After all, Burke visits the house for the first time in 10 years, asks Roger to use his car to meet him at the Blue Whale night, and the brakes fail as soon as he does. Hmmm... Vicki says it must have been an accident, otherwise they couldn't call it an "accident".

While Vicki is engaging in circular logic, Joe is looking like a square at the Blue Whale, as Carolyn flirts with Burke while Joe sits idly by and looks like a schmuck. Joe wants to know how they could have started out to go to a movie together, and ended up at the Blue Whale instead. (The fact that they have a Blue Whale set, and don't have a Collinsport Bijou set might have something to do with it).

Joe goes off to a room that you're not supposed to mention on TV, leaving Carolyn and Burke alone to talk. Sure, Joe is a nice guy, says Carolyn. [Joe is actually older than Carolyn herself.] Joe is a nice kid, but he makes Tiananmen Square look round. But Burke's not like that at all, she says, cozying closer! And neither is she! Carolyn, she isn't one of those square teens, she's an... Ovaltine. (For some reason, as she says this, Bartender Bob serves her a glass of malted milk).

Carolyn confesses that it's always been a fantasy of hers to be clubbed over the head, and dragged away from Collinwood by a dashing suitor, who would take charge of her and order her... to do all the things she would have done anyway, even without orders.

Joe returns from the Unmentionable Room. Carolyn asks him what he would do if she asked to be clubbed over the head. Joe says that if they don't get to that movie pretty soon, he just might.

At Collinwood, Liz calls Matthew, and tells him to report to her. And, since Matthew is in this episode, but not the next one, he'd better hurry.

While Liz waits for Matthew, Vicki drops in, looking for her parents or something. Liz confesses that she might have made a mistake bringing David to Collinwood. The place is a gloomy, decaying wreck of a house that's not fit for a child. Vicki asks if it was that way when he arrived.

Matthew arrives, and warns Vicki that it don't pay to go asking too many fool questions (Yeah, yeah, we covered this when they first met).

Liz asks Matthew about the state of Roger's brakes. (Matthew says 'Maine'). No, no, she means what shape were Roger's brakes in? That doesn't go over well either.

Finally, Liz asks about their condition. Oh well, Matthew says they were in great condition. He formatted the discs and swapped the rotors only two days ago. He was going to take the car to Brake Check tomorrow to have them double-checked. Liz tells him that won't be necessary, as the car crashed tonight when the brakes failed! Matthew says he's sure glad he waited until tomorrow to go to Brake Check. He could have been killed!

Matthew tells Liz that he tested the brakes himself after servicing them, and they were working perfectly, so if they failed now, they must have been tampered with. Either that, or the guy who checked them was an incompetent boob. (Naturally, Matthew favors the first theory).

Liz doesn't want the press blowing the story out of proportion, and so she tells Matthew and Vicki that if the paparazzi come calling, to just play dumb. Vicki questions whether she'll be able to do this convincingly, but Liz has something stuck in her throat, or something, and is unable to answer.

At the Blue Whale, Carolyn asks Burke if he likes to dance. Burke says yeah, he's a great dancer. But he'd rather not right now, with all these epileptics around. (Apparently, dance styles changed considerably while Burke was in prison).

Burke says he's got to get going. He was waiting for Roger, but it looks like he isn't going to show. Funny, it's not like Roger to be late to a bar. Joe puts his foot down, and insists that he and Carolyn go to that movie right now! Carolyn agrees, but invites Burke to come along with them! Joe tries to talk her out of it. Come on, Burke wouldn't want to tag along and be a third wheel. Carolyn insists that Burke wouldn't be the third wheel... wouldn't be A third wheel, that is.

Unwilling to play second fiddle on his own date, Joe storms out to go get drunk, forgetting that he was in a bar already. [Programming Note: By this time, it has become clear that, although the Blue Whale jukebox has a couple of dozen buttons, it only has four actual songs.]

Back at Collinwood, Matthew has inspected the wreck of Roger's car, and offered Liz $5 for the salvage rights. Unfortunately, Matthew can't afford $5 on what Liz pays him.

When Matthew leaves, Vicki lets slip to Liz that Carolyn went to the Blue Whale earlier, and she kinda sorta knew that Burke would be there. Liz is upset that Vicki let Carolyn go, but Vicki points out that she was hired to watch Liz's nephew, not her daughter. Liz says from now on to watch whichever one of them is being more immature at any given moment. Here's an Indian Head Nickel to flip, just in case it's too close to call.

Liz is so annoyed that she's just about to go club Carolyn over the head and drag her back to Collinwood, until she remembers that she hasn't left the house in 18 years.


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