Widow's Hill Notes to Dark Shadows

By Graeme Cree

Horror / Humor

Episode 22

EPISODE 22: Roger tells Carolyn that he intends to have Burke sent back to the slammer over the bleeder valve incident.

Next morning at Evanswood, Maggie is sipping coffee. It seems like she's had a bit too much, though. She's just finishing her third sweater of the morning, and she doesn't even knit.

Burke drops by to see Sam. Sam isn't there, he's out painting the sunrise. Burke says if he were an artist, he'd paint the sunrise at a more sensible hour. Like noon.

Maggie offers Burke some coffee while he waits. Actually, Maggie has just finished her third pot, but she offers to let Burke smell her breath.

Burke says that he's there to talk about Roger's auto accident. It was attempted murder, they say. As he says this, Maggie's cup smashes onto the floor (they're right, it is good to the last drop). Burke and Maggie both pretend to be uninterested in the growing pool of rich, black coffee on the floor, but within seconds, both are on their knees, lapping it up. Both of them promise to give up coffee each year, but the promise never amounts to a hill of beans.

Maggie is fascinated by the accident, and asks a lot of questions. Collinsport doesn't have attempted murders every day. Witches, vampires, werewolves and ghosts, yeah, but run-of-the-mill crookery is front page news around here.

At the Coffee Shoppe, Roger is speaking to Liz over the phone. The insurance investigator has just scooped what's left of Roger's car into his briefcase. Susie, the non-speaking backup waitress, pours more coffee for Roger (because coffee makes everything better), when Sam comes in for a cup. Sam demands to know if Burke tried to kill Roger, because what affects Roger affects him (somehow). Roger says he threw it all in Burke's face, (The accusations, that is, not the coffee) but Burke just laughed at him (he should have thrown the coffee).

Roger says that last night he would have been willing to cut a deal not to prosecute, if Burke had groveled a bit and agreed to leave town, but now, it's no more Mr. Nice Guy. (Sam fakes a coughing fit to avoid replying to this). Of course Burke is in town because of the accident 10 years ago. Roger points out that he and Sam are the only ones who know what really happened that night, and that it would be very convenient for each of them if the other was dead... Not to mention enjoyable... As long as it wasn't him.

At Evanswood, Maggie has brewed another potful as Burke looks at a painting of Maggie's mother, Linda Evans, who left Collinsport to star in Dynasty. Maggie is afraid that Burke has come back for revenge, but Burke insists he doesn't hate anybody. Not after the second cup, at least. Maggie doesn't buy it. Why else would anybody come to a town like this? It's full of hicks from the sticks. The only social club in town is the Blue Whale, and it's only got four songs on the jukebox. Everybody in town smells of fish, except for the Collins's, who just smell, period. A guy like Burke would be bored to death here if he weren't planning some kind of diabolical revenge. Maggie has considered getting revenge for something herself, just to break the monotony.

Sam returns home and hits the ceiling. He's been gone all day, painting the sunrise, and comes back to find Maggie with a strange man! Burke says to calm down. Maggie is Sam’s daughter, not his wife, and he's a friend, not the milkman. Maggie tries to ply him with more coffee, but Sam insists that his problems have nothing to do with Burke or coffee. Or with the lack of coffee, even. Burke says he's there on business. He offers Sam a thousand bucks to paint his portrait, but Sam is oddly reticent to accept. Burke has already been framed once, isn't that enough?

Back at Collinwood, Carolyn makes a date with Joe, who is literally phoning in his performance today. Roger comes in, with his arm still in a sling. He lets Carolyn play with it, but tells her to be careful, as he plans to have Burke's butt in it soon. Carolyn thinks Burke is innocent. After all, how could a Dream Boat like that be a criminal? Roger says nonsense. Burke is the only suspect. He's going to be arrested, tried, indicted, convicted, and executed... Well, probably not executed, but you have to ask for more than you want. That's the first rule of business... I mean jurisprudence. And besides, Burke has been in Roger's hair for too long (Now it's Carolyn's turn to fake a coughing fit to avoid replying).

Carolyn thinks Roger is just being mean. Roger again says nonsense. He just wants justice (this time), and luckily, they have enough money to buy it. Carolyn says that if Burke did try to kill Roger, then she feels partly responsible. She borrows Roger's sling and puts it on, to try to make Roger feel sorry for her. Roger takes the sling back. He doesn't want to look fully recovered until the Constable comes over and sees what that monster Burke did to him. Now, let's see. Which arm was it on again?

At Evanswood, Sam has agreed to do Burke in oil (fortunately for Burke, Sam is an artist, rather than a cook). But Sam wonders how Burke will have time to do the sittings if he's leaving town in a day or two, like he said. Burke says that his plans have changed. The strike in Guatemala that he was going to quell was resolved when the strikers were wiped out in a mudslide, and for once an episode ends on a happy note.


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