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Widow's Hill Notes to Dark Shadows

By Graeme Cree

Horror / Humor

Episode 33

EPISODE 33: Vicki ponders the fact that after 32 episodes, everyone else is embroiled in storylines, but she hasn't found a single clue to her identity.

According to the capsule description of this episode, Vicki laments having found out nothing useful about her past in the previous 32 episodes. Vicki isn't sure how to pad this whisper-thin premise out to a half hour, and so resolves to talk very slowly.

Liz informs Carolyn that the events of the last few episodes have been retconned. The new story is that Roger's bleeder valve fell off by itself without any help from David, Burke or anyone else. Carolyn asks if Liz will apologize to Burke for suspecting him, but Liz says that that's been changed too. In the new history, she knew that Burke was innocent all along. (If you're going to rewrite history anyway, you might as well keep rewriting until you're happy with it.)

Liz gets all maudlin about how she wants Carolyn to be happy, because she's the only Collins who has a decent chance at happiness, et cetera. Carolyn points out that Liz always says she wants Carolyn to be happy, but then refuses to let her wear makeup, date Burke, have a Ferrari, or any of the other things that might actually make her happy.

Liz pressures Carolyn on the subject of marriage again. Hey, if there had been a Joe Haskell around when Liz was 19, she'd have snapped him up. Carolyn insists she's not quite ready for that big walk down the aisle yet. Liz suggests that maybe Carolyn should elope! That would be exciting. It could even be a form of rebellion. She could do it completely without Liz's knowledge. She'll even make the hotel arrangements if Carolyn would like!

Meanwhile, at the Blue Whale, Joe's ears are buzzing. Not because Liz and Carolyn are talking about him, but because he's getting totally bombed on Bahama Mamas. Joe's drunkenness is so contagious that the viewers even see Harvey Keitel dance by at one point. Just as Joe is starting to admire the underside of the Blue Whale barstools, Burke drops by wanting to know what's wrong. Joe looks like a man with a problem. Not just a drinking problem, some other problem that caused the drinking problem.

It turns out that Joe is upset because his boat deal is sunk. (Not the boat, just the deal). The offscreen wife of the offscreen character that Joe was going to buy the offscreen boat with is offscreen pregnant, and so can't afford to get in on the offscreen deal any more. Despite this, Joe seizes on it as an excuse to get onscreen drunk. Burke tells Joe that the offer he made earlier, money in exchange for information about the Collins family, is still open. Joe realizes that if he pretends to go along with the deal, he can find out what Burke is really after, and be a hero by telling it to Liz. Unfortunately, he makes the mistake of thinking this out loud.

At Collinwood, Liz and Carolyn are drinking too. (Only tea, but it's very strong tea.) Carolyn is a little nervous about letting David stay at Collinwood after he tried to kill Uncle Roger, but Liz is adamant that he stay and that nobody cast any suspicion on him. Carolyn says okay, if David kills her, she'll try to act nonchalant.

Carolyn pays a visit to Vicki to ask more questions about her past. Vicki says that in the Foundling Home, she received a $50 stipend from that anonymous donor in Bangor every month until her 16th birthday. Carolyn asks what happened when Vicki traced the checks back to the bank. (Sure enough, Vicki never thought of it, and doesn't have any of the checks any more.) Carolyn sympathizes with Vicki having to live in a place like Collinwood, alongside a father who hates his son, a boy who tries to kill his father, a mother who hasn't left the house in 18 years, and a daughter who is so perfect as to be beyond belief. Vicki admits that she's seen better families on Springer.

Vicki gets on Liz's bandwagon and asks why Carolyn doesn't marry Joe? If she's afraid of leaving Collinwood, she and Joe could always live there at first. Carolyn dismisses the idea. Asking Joe to live at Collinwood is the absolute worst thing she could to do him... and maybe, some day, when she's mad enough at him, she will, but not now.

At the Blue Whale, Joe, now disorderly as well as drunk, is trying to pick a fight with Harvey Keitel. Joe tells Harv that he sucked in Thelma and Louise, Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction. Harvey tries to return the favor, but Joel Crothers hasn't been in anything to have sucked at. So Joe wins this argument... sort of.

Joe storms out of the Blue Whale, and turns up at Collinwood to tell Liz off. He tells Liz that they (for some reason he sees two of her) are responsible for Carolyn not marrying him! Joe tells Liz that Carolyn is too afraid of having a rotten marriage like Liz's to want to get married at all, then promptly passes out on the couch before Liz even has time to release the hounds. Carolyn, overhears all this, and wonders if Joe might be right! Carolyn asks Liz if the family might be doomed to generation after generation of childless spinsters. Liz realizes that it's time to have that special talk with Carolyn.

At the Whale, Burke is surprised to see Vicki enter! Upon questioning, Burke learns that Vicki came there to see him, that she wants to go up to his hotel room, and she wants to go through his briefs! Burke is disappointed to learn that by "briefs", she means she wants to read Wilbur Strake's report on her. The other customers, who heard all except that last part faint dead away.


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