Widow's Hill Notes to Dark Shadows

By Graeme Cree

Horror / Humor

Episode 9

EPISODE 9: Bill Malloy, manager of the Collins Fishing Fleet, warns that Burke plans to wipe out the family. Carolyn tries to find out what the big deal is with this Burke Devlin guy.

In her opening narration, Vicki fears that the strangeness of Collinwood may get to her. Considering that she does the narration in an orange fright wig, wearing a pair of deely-boppers, some of us fear it may be too late.

Bill Malloy strides into the Collinsport Inn and dials Burke Devlin's room on the house phone. He tells Burke to get his butt downstairs pronto, until he realizes he's got the wrong number. Bill apologizes to Sister Bertrille, and hangs up.

Bill goes to Collinwood to tell Liz the big news that Burke Devlin has returned! Liz says that was big news in Episode 1, but not now. She'd rather talk about those contracts that Bill brought over to sign. Liz and Bill discuss the contracts for five minutes before Dan Curtis himself calls, to tell them to start moving the plot a little. Liz claims the scene is authentic. I mean, even on Welcome Back Kotter, they had to pretend to do school work once in a while.

Carolyn comes in, asking how things are at the Cannery. Liz tells her they just canned a bunch of workers, just for the halibut. Carolyn holds her nose. Unfortunately, there are only a couple of dozen good fish puns, and you don't work in the cannery business long before you've heard them all a hundred times.

Carolyn wants to know what Liz and Bill are talking about. It's not Burke Devlin, is it?? If it is, mind if she pulls up a chair and joins in? She finds that topic fascinating! When Carolyn finds out that Burke Devlin is the same guy who threatened to paddle her in Episode 2, she makes tracks. Liz wonders what the big fuss is. She used to threaten to paddle Carolyn constantly, and never got this kind of reaction. Bill promises to explain it to her some day, as only a sailor can.

In the meantime, Bill thinks there's going to be big trouble between the family and Burke soon. Maybe it would be a good idea to send Carolyn away. Maybe get her married off to that Joe Haskell fella. He's a good egg, in a bland sort of way. Liz tells Bill she's been doing her best, but Carolyn keeps resisting the idea. Bill admires Liz's pluck, and tells her how he's always thought she was the greatest woman in the world. Especially in Father of the Bride. He saw that picture in the theaters 10 times, just for Liz's role in it. Bill tells Liz not to worry. Together, they'll lick Burke Devlin! (Eeeeew!)

Upstairs, Carolyn and Vicki are talking about clothes. Carolyn asks if Vicki likes her new flaming pink dress with the neon purple trim and the fluorescent orange piping. Vicki is confused. Carolyn's dress is nothing like that! Carolyn says "I know, I'm just trying to mess with Ted Turner's mind, in case he ever tries to colorize this show."

Vicki has discovered that in the daytime, she can see Widow's Hill from her bedroom window. Carolyn tells Vicki how, according to the legends, eleven and a half people have fallen from that hill to their deaths. Vicki doubts the story, but Carolyn assures her that the Chamber of Commerce wouldn't make up a story like that just to sell a few postcards, you know. Carolyn can't talk about most of the deaths though, as many of them involve spoilers of future storylines that take place in the past. Funny thing, though. One of the people who fell from the hill in 1796 was named Victoria Winters. That's a bit of a downer... No pun intended.

Carolyn says she just came upstairs to help Vicki pack. She assumes that Liz fired her for checking up with the Foundling Home. Vicki says no, Liz just gave her a stern talking to. Or maybe, she's planning to push Vicki off Widow's Hill, and save an Unemployment Claim. Oh well, it sounds like there's a really long line there, anyway.

Carolyn tells Vicki about how Joe Haskell proposed to her, but she turned him down. She wants to get away from Collinwood, but if they got married, Joe would just end up having to move here. Carolyn's wardrobe alone would take up all the space in Joe's apartment.

Downstairs, Malloy is still warning Liz about the dangers Burke poses. He's a hungry man. Liz promises to stock up on Swanson frozen dinners. Bill says he doesn't mean that. He means that Burke is going to try to take everything the Collins family owns! Liz thinks that someone with the money Burke seems to have wouldn't care about the relatively small Collins fortune. Bill tries to explain it in Monopoly terms. It's all a game between Burke and the Collins family, you see. Burke was in jail, but got a Get Out of Jail Free card. And now, it doesn't matter how much money Burke makes. He can never win until the other player has nothing! Liz tells Bill to go take a Ride on the Reading, or something, he's starting to get boring.

Liz answers a knock at the front door, but there's nobody there. Bill hopes it's a ghost at last. They've been noticeably absent from the show so far. Liz says oh, it was a ghost, all right. A nine year old ghost, whose name is David. Bill asks if David was at least wearing a sheet. Liz tells him not to be ridiculous. The show's special effects budget won't be that big, even when they do have real ghosts.

Back in Vicki's room, Carolyn is getting decidedly girlish about this Burke Devlin person. He sounds fascinating. And he's full of questions about the Collins family, while Carolyn loves to talk. That makes them a natural pair. Vicki says sure, they go together like Snooper and Blabber.

Carolyn tells Vicki that there's some big mystery about Burke Devlin, and she's going to find out what it is. The first time his name came up, Liz acted like a bomb had dropped, and Roger got bombed. Would you believe he actually threatened to paddle Carolyn back in Episode 2? Of all the cheek! Granted, he didn't actually do it, but Carolyn thinks Burke deserves one more chance to get it right.

Downstairs, Bill is dealing with a mysterious phone prankster. No sorry, this is Collinwood. There's no Amanda Huggenkiss here.

Back in Vicki's room, Vicki wants to mail a letter, but hasn't got a stamp. Carolyn offers to go down to the Collinsport Inn and get her one!

Back downstairs, Bill is scheming. The best thing to do would be to get Carolyn out of town for a while. Maybe they could send her on a trip to Vegas with Bill's niece. Liz says they're trying to protect the family fortune from Burke Devlin. If they let Carolyn within a hundred miles of Vegas, there won't be a family fortune!

Carolyn herself comes in, and Bill offers to send her on a trip with his niece, to... to Hoboken, that's it. Carolyn is suspicious. Why now? Malloy explains that he's only thinking of Carolyn. There's about to be a war, and Burke Devlin is a wild, ruthless man who will stop at nothing to get what he wants. This doesn't seem to have the desired effect, as Carolyn makes a beeline for the Collinsport Inn.

At the Collinsport Inn, Carolyn enters and rings Burke on the house phone. He explains that he's not in this episode, but that she can come up first thing next episode.


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