"Ada, for the umptheenth time, i am not GAY!"
Thranduil sat in a comfortable armchair in his study, staring at his rather flustered and nervous son. He tried desperately to hide the wry smirk that was threatening to erupt. Oh he enjoyed watching his son squirm a little, Legolas had been involved in quite a lot of pranks and awkward situations but this one had to be the weirdest one up to date. He stared straight at the blushing young ellon and managed to look just as strict and intimidating as usual. "I hear you saying this, but I have heard many others claiming that you and Feren has been seen in rather…delicate…situations?"
Legolas looked like he was just about to explode, he was beet red and his fingers were constantly fidgeting with the laces on his sleeves. Thranduil didn't really let him have time to speak before he continued in a rather worried tone. "I know that you right now are of an age when these things can be…confusing, and testing out ones feelings and desires is of course just natural for someone this young but I have always dreamed of grandchildren!"
Legolas was getting even more red, interesting, Thranduil had never seen anyone looking that embarrassed before. "Ada!"
Legolas voice was pleading and Thranduil had to pinch himself to stop himself from bursting into a wild fit of laughter. He was really torturing his son now but it was about time that the lad learned that for every action there is a reaction and this time he had done something rather stupid. Thranduil stared at the chalice of wine at his side, he lifted it and took a careful sip, looking as sad as he managed, it wasn't easy but he was used to control his expressions rather well, as a king that came in rather handy. "Galion, my own butler, claimed to have seen the two of you on the balcony, and I quote him "They were very busy trying to undress each other and I have hardly ever seen such inventive use of honey!"What do you have to say about that?"
Legolas almost choked. "That…That was an accident, it was absolutely not what it appeared to be!"
Thranduil stared at the red liquid of his chalice with narrow eyes. "So, I think Galion is perfectly able to determine what it was that he saw, he has excellent eyesight."
Legolas gulped and Thranduil saw that his son was close to tears from sheer frustration, he determined to cut the lad a little slack, allow him to speak up for himself. "Well, if the thing Galion claimed he saw wasn't real then what did he indeed see? Explain this to me, I am most curious!"
Legolas took a deep breath and brazed himself, he tried to keep calm but it wasn't easy, he was terrified of having hurt his father and even more of having hurt his own reputation. Damn how that ingenious plan of theirs had backfired! "Ah, the truth is that I just tried to help Feren and …"
Thranduil interrupted him. "Help him? One of the servants claimed to have seen you on your knees untying the laces of Feren's pants, I bet he is capable of doing that alone or where you perhaps trying to demonstrate a new knot to him?"
Legolas almost exploded. "ADAR!will you please let me speak?!"
Thranduil grinned to himself. "By all means, do speak, at least it shows me that you know what your mouth is intended to be used for."
Legolas blushed again, he almost gasped from his father's words and he gaped a few times like a fish on dry land before he managed to get himself back under control. His voice was ice cold when he continued, or at least as cold as he managed to get it. "It was not like that, the servant wasn't supposed to see us, I mean, crap that didn't come out right"
Thranduil cocked his head, he felt like roaring with laughter, his son had never looked that silly before. "No kidding, do continue, this is rather amusing!"
Legolas threw a rather poisonous glance at his father. "I mean, someone else was supposed to see us, it was such a great plan."
Thranduil shifted in his chair, found a more comfortable position and tried to look like a strict and disappointed father. "A plan, well, let me hear about this great plan of yours, I have no idea of what a plan may have to do with the fact that my own son has been seen getting intimate with an ellon. Not that it is wrong in any way, I am just a little…shocked, that is all"
Legolas rolled his eyes. "Valar, damn it Ada, I am not gay, I don't like ellyn, I like ellith!"
Thranduil was really enjoying this now. "Really? One of my counsellors said that you looked as if you really enjoyed making out with Feren, he was climbing all over you if I don't remember Olbarions words wrong."
Legolas was almost hopping up and down in anger. "Morgoth curse it, will you just listen? It was all a huge misunderstanding!"
Thranduil raised an eyebrow with a small smirk, he could barely contain himself any longer. He had spoken with Feren just an hour before and had the whole tale explained to him and he was just tormenting Legolas for the sheer heck of it. The two youngsters had a lesson to learn and this way he was darn sure that his son never would forget it even if he lived until the very end of the world. "Misunderstanding? Are you not yet sure of what you do prefer? There are those who like both you know."
Legolas almost blew a fuse, he was inches away from getting violent and Thranduil determined that now was the time to let Legolas speak. "I…"
Thranduil took another sip of the wine, strange, it tasted a bit weak, had Galion watered it out again? "Yes you…?"
Legolas closed his eyes, counted backwards from fifty before he was even able to speak. His jaws hurt and he had clenched his hands so hard his fingernails cut his palms. "Listen, Feren is in love with this elleth, Pirinde, but her father is a bit over protective and he never lets her be alone with an ellon, except from Tathar who is a friend of hers and to say the least, very gay!"
Thranduil felt a grin creep across his face, he couldn't stop it but hid it behind the rim of the chalice. "Go on!"
Legolas took a deep breath. "Feren thought that if we managed to convince Pirinde's father that Feren is gay too he would be allowed to spend some time with her without a chaperone and maybe get lucky too if you know what I mean?"
Thranduil scoffed. "If that is the kind of ellyn you hang out with I am getting worried indeed, I am not so sure that this Feren is good for you!"
Legolas hit the table and made his father jump in his seat. "Feren is my best friend, he is a good ellon."
Thranduil already knew this, Feren was the son of one of the best warriors Thranduil had and a very smart and talented ellon but perhaps a bit reckless and he didn't always think that much before he acted. "Very well, continue!"
Legolas sighed. "And so we made a plan, if Pirinde's father saw Feren with another ellon then he would think that he wasn't a threat to his daughters…honor…and Feren could spend time with her."
Thranduil cocked his head, stared at his son with narrow eyes. "And you volunteered to help him put this plan into motion?"
Legolas nodded and he looked distraught. "Yes, the only problem was that Pirinde's father never saw us, it was always the wrong elf who showed up. We thought we knew where he used to be but we were obviously wrong."
Thranduil nodded slowly. "So when Galion saw you two covered in honey it was Pirinde's father you were waiting for, and when the servant saw you on your knees with your head in front of Feren's crotch it was also the cause? And also when the counsellor saw you making out in the closet by the entrance"
Legolas sighed and looked down. "Hell yes, I wouldn't do those things for real ada, you have got to believe me."
Thranduil sniggered, he could only imagine how embarrassed and desperate the two ellyn had to have been. Legolas closed his eyes. "And when the cook caught us laying on the sacks of flour in the storage it was just the same thing."
Thranduil frowned. "There too? The stable master swore that he saw the two of you being rather actively playing horse and mare in one of the stalls?"
Legolas moaned. "Crap, you know of it all don't you?"
Thranduil just grinned, a rather devious grin. "Of course I do son, I have eyes and ears everywhere, a flea couldn't fart within my realm without me knowing about it."
Legolas made a grimace. "That was the last attempt, we were in the stall next to the horse her father usually used and we had failed so many times we were close to giving up, we wanted to give it one last try and make it a very convincing one too. But he didn't show up, the stable master did instead."
Thranduil sent Legolas a rather curious look. "So how did you manage to convince the stablemaster to such a degree without actually doing it for real?"
Legolas blushed again. "The stable is very dark, let's just say that it involved a carrot, some rather skintight skin colored under pants and good acting. And he only took one short peek before he rushed back out. It was enough that it looked as if I was…ah…ready to sodomize Feren for a couple of seconds"
Thranduil had to snigger, he could not stop it. "The honey?"
Legolas looked so ashamed. "It was an accident. Feren said that if he caught us with me sitting on Feren's lap kissing and licking his neck it would look convincing and I didn't want to do that. It was bad enough to be lying with Feren on top of me when the counsellor saw us and it seemed a bit disgusting to be licking his skin for real so Feren came up with the idea of using a drop of honey to make his skin look like it had been licked, you know, shiny and wet. But I dropped the bottle and it broke and we got honey everywhere! We were trying to pick the pieces of broken glass out of our clothes when Galion saw us."
Thranduil cocked an eyebrow once more. "Really? He claimed that you were rather vigorously entangled."
Legolas made a squeaking sound. "Ada, it was honey! Old honey! Have you any idea of how sticky that stuff is? My hair was unbraided and got stuck onto Feren's tunic and yes, we got stuck to each other for a few seconds and that was when Galion waltzed in on us."
Thranduil smirked and bit his lower lip. "So you have just been the victims of bad luck?"
Legolas rolled his eyes again. "Yes, Valar help me but I am telling the truth. I am not in love with Teren, believe me. I like ellith!"
Thranduil smiled. "I believe you, but tell me son, have you learned a lesson from this?"
Legolas frowned. "A lesson?!"
Thranduil grinned widely. "An hour ago I had Feren standing right where you are right now, he looked as if he was ready to piss himself but I did get the whole story from him, in detail. You two may have had a bit of bad luck yes but I hope you have by now learned that this isn't the way to win an elleth's heart or the approval of her father!"
Legolas gaped, eyes wide and mouth wide open. "You knew?! You knew this the whole time?! Oh I am gonna…"
Thranduil had a wide grin on his face and his eyes were filled with mirth. "It was such exquisite fun to watch you squirm a little son, and remember, patricide is a mortal sin. You don't want to show up at the halls of Mandos with deeds like that on your file."
Legolas was still fuming with rage and Thranduil got up and patted his son on the back, he had enjoyed this talk, a lot. "But I thank you son for the entertainment, and like I said, I hope that you have learned a lesson."
Legolas had to bite his lip to avoid speaking a few words that would have made even Sauron blush and plug his ears. "So, what plan do you suggest we should have tried out O wise and cunning one!"
Thranduil smirked again, ignoring the sarcasm dripping within his son's voice. "What you should have done was having someone brave walk up to her and insult her really badly in front of her father and then Feren could have rushed in and beat that unfortunate fellow up, defeating her honor and reputation."
Legolas just stared at his father. "That is plain silly, nobody would fall for that?"
Thranduil lifted an eyebrow and emptied his chalice, yes, Galion had absolutely watered out the wine, he was going to have an interesting little chat with his butler. "And they would fall for that brilliant plan of yours? Pretending to be gay indeed! At least I know my idea is safe and sound, it worked for me and your mother."
Legolas just stared with eyes wide as tea cups. "Ada, don't tell me that you had someone do that? Insult her so you could defend her?"
Thranduil looked proud. "Indeed I did, but I do still to this day pity poor Galion, I did knock out several of his teeth and he went gap-toothed for weeks until they grew back. But he has always been such a loyal ellon, and we switched roles when he was wooing his wife so I guess we are even."
Legolas took a look around, no, it wasn't raining pigs and cats so the world wasn't ending just yet. "Are you serious? You let Galion hit you?"
Thranduil scoffed. "Of course not, I was royal by then, they would have beheaded him, no, he challenged me to a duel and when I of course won I valiantly let him live because I am such a compassionate forgiving and caring person."
Legolas snarled. "Oh, you claim that I have done some silly stuff but darn it ada, you are just as bad!"
Thranduil just flung a lock of his long hair back and sent his son his most beaming smile. "Yes, the apple does not fall far from the tree, but unlike your plans, mine was a smashing success"
Legolas scoffed, turned around on his heel and left the room, still fuming and growling to himself and Thranduil sat there for a while laughing so hard he was shaking. Then he lifted his bell and rang for Galion and when the butler appeared he put on his strict ruler face once more. "Now Galion, about this last casket of Dorwinion wine…?"
Four days later Thranduil got out of bed one early morning, he yawned and was looking forward to what the day might bring. He staggered towards the door into the bathroom, it was slightly ajar but he didn't really notice. He pushed it open and suddenly he was engulfed by a flood of liquid. He stood there spluttering, the old bucked over the door trick only that this bucked didn't contain water, it contained a mixture of honey, pink dye and certain flowerseeds that caused intense itching whence in contact with skin. Thranduil just stood there staring for several seconds before he managed to take a deep breath and the following roar could be heard all over the palace. "LEGOLAS!"
It seemed that what goes around comes around after all.
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