Away From Her


Set during New Moon. Edward reflects on the biggest mistake he's ever made

Other / Romance
Age Rating:

Away From Her

Edward POV

Prison gates won't open up for me

On these hands and knees I'm crawlin'

Oh, I reach for you

I peered out in-between the steel blinds in my room to find that it was a sunny day in the bustling city where I was living. The metal against my windows reminded me of a prison, sealing me off from life, covering the outside world from my sight. I hadn't been sent here for bad behaviour, I'd sent myself here to protect the person I loved, because all I seemed to do was put her danger.

I didn't need to associate with the rest world, why would I need to? So as my punishment, I'd taken myself away from a place I'd truly felt at home.

As the sun fought to shine though the strips of steel, I ignored the warmth trying to penetrate my marble skin, and found myself punching the wall in frustration. As I pulled my fist out of the concrete and brick, I studied my unflawed skin; it was glittering as it caught the rays of sunlight that managed to filter through the metal. I hated myself, the person I'd become, the animal that I was. I wished that I was in physical pain rather than the pain I was really in. I wanted to see myself bleed like a human; I wanted a diversion from the extraordinary pounding that my unbeating heart sent through me. I wanted to escape from the emotional prison I'd created for myself.

I wanted my Bella.

Well I'm terrified of these four walls

These iron bars can't hold my soul in

All I need is you

Come please I'm callin'

And oh I scream for you

Hurry I'm fallin'

I went to visit Carlisle at the hospital across town from where I was residing. It was the first time I'd been to see my surrogate father since we'd all gone our separate ways in September.

When I arrived in the lobby I noticed straight away that the smell of overwhelming bleach was as potent as I remembered it. When I breezed through the corridors the morose faces of different patients were ever the same. As I approached the room Carlisle was working in, I could smell blood as a nurse took it from the patient, but it didn't call to me. No blood had ever called to me like Bella's had...

I started to focus my thoughts on her, rather than everything around me and I became lost in memories.

Although this was a different hospital, memories of Bella when she was lying on a gurney, burst to the surface, wrenching my heart into an even deeper pain from before.

I remembered her lying there, scowling at me after I'd saved her from Tyler's car. I remembered the way her brown eyes had penetrated my still, immobile heart searching for a reason why I'd saved her. I couldn't help but yearn when I thought of that angry blush that coloured her cheeks, radiating warmth into the air that I craved to keep.

I'd craved that warmth because it was hers; it meant she was close to me, even though I'd thought I'd never be able to hold her in my arms. But I had held her in my arms; I'd had her body pressed against me whilst she slept soundly, softly breathing out my name as she dreamt about me.

A heart monitor bleeped far off in the background and my memories shot forward to Phoenix. I'd sat in that plastic chair for what felt like decades, waiting for her to open her eyes, smile at me and tell me she was fine, even though she wasn't.

Even then I'd been contemplating leaving her, but I'd been too weak to do it.

I'd watched her with numerous tubes protruding from her ivory skin and I knew that I was the reason she was there. I'd started the feud with James and Bella had been the victim.

From the moment we'd found her in a bloody, broken mess on the dance studio floor, I knew that Bella would always be the victim when she was associated with me.

Vampires were indestructible, humans were fragile, and Bella was more fragile than a newborn baby to me.

Carlisle squeezed my shoulder lightly and I returned to the present.

I was without my Bella, still.

Show me what it's like

To be the last one standing

And teach me wrong from right

And I'll show you what I can be

Say it for me

Say it to me

And I'll leave this life behind me

Say it if it's worth saving me

I'd moved again, out towards the suburbs. The city was loud and noisy and someone was always invading my personal space. Whether it was a woman trying to come onto me, or a business man in a rush to work who thought it'd be smart to barge into me, I'd only stayed there to keep in close contact with Carlisle and Esme.

I was now living in a two bedroom house, in the middle of nowhere, with four acres of land. It was a sunny day once again and I was lying against the grass, staring at the sky, wishing it was overcast.

I was glittering out in public, and once again I'd been taken back to Forks in my mind.

This time I was back in the meadow, lying against the grass with Bella at my side, watching me, in awe that she was with me, when really I was fascinated that she wasn't afraid of me. It was the day I'd told her everything about the way I'd acted when we'd first met. It was the day we'd had our first kiss.

I hummed to myself the same song I'd been singing that day as I looked into the endless blue sky, remembering her feather-light touch against my skin. I remembered that when the light caught certain strands of Bella's hair that it turned slightly red, glistening like tiny streaks of blood. I remembered the sound of her heartbeat as it increased when I was allowed to touch her silken skin, and I remembered the quickened rate of her breathing as I traced an icy finger along her jaw line.

I smiled when I remembered her shocked face after I'd run at vampire speed, with Bella draped over my shoulders. Her skin had turned as pale as the moon with a tinge of green, but after I'd plucked up the courage to kiss her, Bella's skin had some colour back, while her cheeks had changed to a deep pink colour. She was breathless and embarrassed because she'd lost self control but I hadn't minded. The blush on her cheeks had made her mistake forgivable, because I loved that blush more than anything in the world.

My mind wandered elsewhere again and I thought about the prom. I thought about how I'd gone from an emotionally distant vampire, to a borderline human with feelings. Although I could never return to being a human, I had unearthed certain qualities that I'd left behind the night I'd been changed.

I was now able to feel emotions that I hadn't felt in over a hundred years. I'd felt jealousy towards Jacob Black at the prom when he was dancing with Bella. I'd felt overwhelming love whenever I looked into Bella's eyes. I'd felt undiluted fear whenever Bella had been in danger. And I'd felt overwhelming protection towards her since I'd watched Tyler's car swing into Bella's path that fateful day. Since then I'd promised myself that nothing and no one would hurt her ever.

But on two occasions I'd let it happen, I'd let her get hurt. And even though it hurt me more than it would ever hurt her, I'd left Bella at the edge of the forest to live her life without pain and fear ever again.

Heaven's gates won't open up for me

With these broken wings I'm fallin'

And all I see is you

These city walls ain't got no love for me

I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story

I came across a church that was hidden away on the side of the road and I walked in to observe its beauty. Although I wasn't religious, I always found churches magnificent to look at; I couldn't help myself when I walked into this one. As soon as I stepped though the wooden doors, I began to marvel at the ornate stained glass windows with the light reflecting through in different colours. I admired the paintings of the different scenes depicting Jesus crucifixion, and at the head of the church, in all its glory, I carefully examined the statue of Christ hanging on the cross.

Carlisle was the religious one in our family; he believed that even though we were creatures that did not belong on this earth, we still had souls and the right to go to heaven.

Even though I knew that I would not go to heaven when I died, I knew that I'd had my angel right by my side in Forks. So long as she was alive, life was worth living, even if I couldn't live it with her. If anything were to happen, Alice would call me and I would know that my time here was over. When I died, even though Bella and I weren't going to the same place, I would be happy that I'd spent some of my time with the most precious being on earth.

My thoughts were back in the past, but it was a very recent memory, Bella's eighteenth birthday. We were in her living room, watching Romeo and Juliet and I'd told her that I couldn't live a life without her, she'd gasped at me and we had a discussion about living life without the other. She thought it was silly that I couldn't continue life without her and I'd voiced my opinion in reverse.

I'd been the most serious I'd ever been in my life that day.

This life without Bella was killing me inside, and I'd already near enough died once. But now I felt like I was dying all over again, but this time no one could save me, no one but Bella.

I was an addict that needed his heroin, but I was doing it cold turkey, taking every day as it comes. I was doing well so far, but I badly wanted visit her, my intuition told me we were best off away from each other.

My heart told me I was better off with Bella.

And oh I scream for you

Come please I'm callin'

And all I need from you

Hurry I'm fallin'

My phone was ringing whilst I watched the rain fall one afternoon. I ignored it for the first few rings and then answered it, surprised to find that it was Rosalie sounding frantic.

"Edward, Alice had a vision a couple days ago...I wanted to call you sooner but...Bella jumped off of a cliff! It went blank after that...Alice couldn't see a thing" She told me in a hurried voice.

I turned to stone, unable to process what Rosalie had just told me.

Bella couldn't die...she wouldn't kill herself...she had to survive, whatever had happened.

I threw another punch against the wall and agony was flowing through me like poison. I'd left her to live. I'd left to give her a life of safety. I hadn't left so she could go and commit suicide. My absence was to be for the better, not the worse.

"I need to ring Charlie's." I croaked as I felt myself shiver.

"I'm so sorry Edward."

I cut her off and quickly dialled the number that I should've called sooner.

Guilt replaced itself into my veins as each ring made the panic rise in my chest. I held my breath when the phone was picked up and was surprised to hear Jacob Black's voice on the other end.

"Swan Residence." He answered.

"Jacob, is Charlie there?" I gulped as my hands shook in fear.

"He's not here." Jacob replied with a bark in his voice.

I understood why he was angry at me. I was the reason Bella had tried to commit suicide, he was probably as worried as I was, he wanted her to pull through like I did, I just needed to know if she was ok or not and I hoped Jacob would know something.

"Where is he?"

"He's at the funeral."

I felt faint even though I had no blood rushing to my head and I slumped against the floor. I flicked the phone shut and I felt like the room was spinning.

She was dead, Charlie was at her funeral. I was the reason for Bella's death.

Show me what it's like

To be the last one standing

And teach me wrong from right

And I'll show you what I can be

Say it for me

Say it to me

And I'll leave this life behind me

Say it if it's worth saving me

Hurry I'm fallin'

The Volturi had refused me death; Aro had wanted me to join instead. But nothing would give meaning to my life now that Bella was gone.

I stood there in the shadows, waiting for the sun to reach its highest point in sky. I watched the Italians celebrate whilst I was still in mourning for the love of my life.

She was gone. I'd never get to see her smile at me, and I'd never get to see the way her eyes would fix onto me whenever I walked into the room. But most of all, I'd never get to see her blush when she was embarrassed, I'd never see her cheeks burn with intensity as she looked up from beneath her lashes wanting to apologise for whatever had happened.

I watched the clock intently, waiting for midday to strike, I watched as the minutes passed by like seconds. Soon I would meet my maker, soon I will have died for my Bella, and soon I would be at peace.

I closed my eyes and I was lost to my memories, I smiled slightly thinking of one of our visits to the meadow, that's where I wanted to be right now. I wanted to go back in time and tell Bella how much she meant to me, but I couldn't now, her death had already come while I was patiently waiting for mine.

I heard the clock chime for the first time and my body responded immediately. With my eyes still closed I put one foot in front of the other and I was moving toward the sunlit square. I tried to take another step forward and something hit straight into me.

I opened my eyes and there she was, my Bella, looking just the way I'd remembered her. Although my memories never perceived her to be as beautiful as this.

I'd reached heaven, I was really here, and I was here with Bella, my angel.

The angel that had saved my soul.

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