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I Chose This

By Maddz2


I Chose This

Piper walked into the library where Alex was sitting with a book, her green eyes scanning the pages from left to right until they stopped when she noticed her presence. Without even looking up Alex knew it was Piper. "I assume you have made a decision." She closed her book and stood so she could look directly at Piper when she said it was over. "So here's what it means going forward. You may not come running to me again. Not with your problems. Not with your love. Not with your need, or sadness or love. Not even your laundry unless it is specifically your laundry day. You may never come to me again. Ever" Alex said harshly and deadly serious. Piper just broke her heart for the last time and she hadn't even said anything yet.

"Whoa, hold on" Piper was flustered and she wasn't prepared for Alex to jump to that conclusion, hell, Alex hadn't given her a chance to speak. "You're right that I have made a decision, but you're wrong, can you come with me for like two minutes you need to hear something" Piper wasn't good at expressing herself directly, so she had come up with a better idea to solve two problems at the same time. She would break up with Larry over the phone and have Alex listen to her explain why. There was no way Alex could misunderstand who Piper decided she chose and who she really loved, the only problem was getting Alex to trust her this last time.

Alex rolled her eyes. "You've got to be fucking kidding me. Did you not hear me, when I said you may never come to me again"

"I-I just thought this didn't count, I'm already here," Piper said quietly. "Please Alex, and I swear if you don't agree with what I have to say then it will be exactly as you asked, I will never come to you again, not even with my laundry, ever again. In fact, I can probably make it so you'll never have to see me again" Alex hated that Piper would actually agree to that because there was no way she was going to like whatever excuse Piper was going to give her, and she loathed the thought of never being able to see her again. But of course, Piper was going to drag this out for as long as possible and make it harder for both of them, but she followed her down the halls nonetheless.

"Piper what the Fuck are you doing?!" Alex would have yelled, but there were guards around. "I thought you wanted to tell me something?!" They had stopped by the phones and Piper was dialing a number, and Alex only had one guest at who it was.

"Yeah Alex just wait one minute" Piper held the phone up to her ear as it rang. "Hello-Larry-I wanted to talk to you"

Alex wanted to scream. Of course, she would call fucking Larry. Why did she even think Piper would do anything different. That was it though the last straw, though. She turned on her heel and was determined to leave that bitch behind forever.

"Alex where the Fuck are you going?!" Piper yelled after her surprising both herself and Alex with the seriousness and yet complete desperation in her voice, as she held the phone away from her. "Please Alex come back" She pleaded before she brought the phone back up to her. Alex sighed and cursed inwardly at herself for being so stupid, but she walked back over to Piper and tried to act uninterested, however, the way Piper was watching her made it very hard not to show any expression so she looked away and kept her eyes focused elsewhere.

"Did you just re-ask me to marry you, Larry? As if that would fix how fucked up this is!" Piper snapped angrily into the phone making Alex look at her again. "No Larry, I'm afraid I have to decline" Her voice returned to the sweetness it held when she had first greeted Larry. "-why?-because I love someone else - yes you heard me - are they better than you, do they love me more?- well, it's hard to say, but I hope so" Piper looked Alex up and down assessing her body language. Alex was still gorgeous, even in prison, and Piper would never get enough of it, but her expression was serious and she was hardly looking at her which made Piper uneasy and unsure if she could actually have a different answer to Larry's question.

Alex was shocked. She was completely speechless. She couldn't even make herself smirk at how Piper had chosen her over Larry. "Larry- yes I'm sure I won't change my mind - Larry, you have never known how to love me - not the way this person does" Piper smiled softly at Alex who was still unable to form any facial expression at all because she was trying to wrap her mind around all of what Piper was saying. The worst part was that Alex didn't know if she could take her back. She didn't know if she should, even after this.

"She's better than you Larry, she's taller, sexier, and she understands me- no Larry you will never understand - no, you will never learn how to love me because you won't get the fucking chance - how do I describe it? - Larry, you're like a cigarette and I was addicted to smoking, because that was the life I thought I wanted, you were who I thought I wanted- the problem, Larry, is that Alex is like air and we both know that I can live without a cigarette, but I need air to breathe, and I'd die without it, without her- yes Larry I know that was a good analogy - now shut the Fuck up, go complain to mommy and daddy that your pretty fiancé broke up with you and left you for a woman - yes Larry I know you think you love me - yes Larry I promise this fucked up relationship is over - bye bye now" Piper hung up the phone relieved that it was over finally, she couldn't take the way Alex was looking at her for much longer. However, Alex was still standing there, so Piper took that as a good sign. She had been watching Alex the entire time looking for any reaction, but Alex was particularly good at pretending so Piper didn't know what to think of her lack of response. "Alex, I love you, and I choose you, and I'm really sorry," Piper said as she moved so she was standing directly in front of the taller woman.

"Piper, I don't-" Alex was so lost, she felt like she was going to faint or something and that never happened, maybe because this was the first time in a long time that Piper had been actually honest with her, even if it was indirect. She was still disappointed, though. As happy as she was that Piper had chosen her, Alex didn't want Piper to explain it to Larry, she wanted Piper to talk to her. Perhaps if she held out a little bit longer Piper would realize that. She wasn't that self-centered, but she wanted Piper to talk to her directly. She wanted to hear Piper say that she was all she needed to be happy, all she needed to live and that she was the only one she truly loved. Her talking through her conversation with Larry wasn't going to cut it, maybe it would have in the past, but not this time, and as much as it hurt Alex to do so, she was going to force herself to wait for Piper to understand that.

But she didn't have time to continue her response before they were interrupted.

"Yo Vause, Chapman!" Nicky yelled as she strode confidently down the hallway with her mane of hair swishing behind her.

Piper looked away from Alex to see the other woman approach them. "Hey, Nicky what's up?" Piper smiled, but Alex was unchanged although she did turn her head to see Nicky coming towards them.

"Something wrong with some electrical thing somewhere, come on Chapman don't make me do it by myself" Nicky explained quickly before really noticing Alex hadn't said anything to her. "What's wrong with you Vause?" She asked.

"I think she's a little overwhelmed or something like that," Piper answered. She leaned up and kissed Alex on the cheek. "Think about what I said, and if you can forgive me, then I'm yours" She whispered closely to Alex's ear. Piper took a step back and saw Alex nod slightly. "I'll think about it" was all Alex said.

"Good, so maybe I'll see you later," Piper said as she walked away with Nicky who yelled over her shoulder "See ya Vause"

Piper spent the rest of the day trying to focus on fixing the electrical things with Nicky, but all she could think about was Alex, and she wondered why Alex hadn't said much, it really wasn't like her to be caught speechless.

Nicky pestered her about what she and Alex were doing when she found them and Piper explained almost everything and Nicky just laughed. She wasn't one for romantic displays so she found Piper's little charade quite amusing, but she understood that Piper wasn't outspoken, so if calling Larry and pretending to continue a conversation with him after he had already hung up was how Piper wanted to tell Alex her feelings, then so be it, good for Piper for being smart like that.

They couldn't figure out what was wrong with the outlets in the library so they gave up and just sat and talked about mostly nothing, both of them trying to avoid further conversations about Alex. At one point Piper had asked Nicky about how things had been with her and Lorna, but Nicky didn't want to talk about it and brushed it off calling it 'complicated' as if everything else wasn't complicated too.

When they decided to finally get back to figuring out what was wrong with the electricity in that room Piper had a thought.

They wandered around the prison until they came to the fuse box and sure enough, the circuit had been tripped, so they just flipped the switch and made their way back. Luckily for them, the electricity was back on and they could be on break again. There wasn't much else to do, but one of the guards caught them slacking off on their job and forced them to find something else to fix.

First they went to the electrical shop outside even though it was snowing, but because of all of the snow, no one was there. That small building didn't have very good heating anyways so they quickly made their way back inside the main prison. Nicky remembered the lighting in the laundry room was always having issues, and she was kind of curious to see what Alex would say to Piper, so she directed herself and Piper there next.

Alex was there, but she didn't acknowledge Piper at all when they walked into the room and greeted her. Piper had been almost hopeful about seeing Alex, but that hope was quickly shredded, then burned and Piper thought she was going to die right then and there because obviously Alex had made up her mind and Piper obviously wasn't forgiven. The little exchange didn't go unnoticed by Nicky and although she would swear that she didn't take sides, she had to admit that it kind of pissed her off that Alex had treated Piper like that.

Thankfully for Piper, one of the lights was not working and it gave her something to focus on if only for a short while. It didn't take long for her to figure out it was just loose and fixed it, but then she no longer had anything to think about other than Alex and it was making her sick. She couldn't be in there anymore. She couldn't be in the same room as her right now. She needed a bathroom and fast.

She practically bolted from the laundry room only throwing a quick "I have to go" over her shoulder, because that was all she could manage without losing the contents of her stomach right there, leaving a concerned Nicky and a mildly confused Alex behind.

Honestly, Alex hadn't expected Piper to give up so fast, and while she was still confused about her own feelings, she had hoped Piper would fight her a little, she was wrong. Piper was doing exactly as she promised, staying away from her. They only problem was that it wasn't what Alex wanted, she had just been so concentrated on sorting her thoughts out that she hadn't even noticed Piper until she almost ran out of the room.

Nicky had followed Piper and found her hunched over a toilet bowl, trying hard to keep her hair out of the way as she lost her entire lunch.

Nicky took Piper's hair in her hand so it didn't fall in her face and she placed a soothing hand on her back. Nicky could feel the tremors shake Piper's entire body and she knew that there was probably only one reason for her sudden sickness: Vause.

A moment later, they heard footsteps and they both turned to see Alex walk in. She stopped at the sight of Piper kneeling with her hands trembling and her eyes red. As soon as Piper saw Alex, she immediately had to turn away to throw up again, and thus Nicky's suspicion was confirmed.

Nicky just shook her head. "Vause, don't you have some laundry to do?" She really hated when her friends fought, but right now Piper was suffering and she wasn't about to stand by and watch Alex make it worse for her.

"But Piper-" Alex tried to formulate the words she wanted to say to her, but, to be honest, she was still really confused, and conflicted about her feelings.

Piper shook her head and glanced up at Nicky, silently asking her to get Alex to leave, and Nicky understood.

"Alex, I'll take care of her, she doesn't want to talk right now," Nicky said and Alex sighed as she turned and left.

Piper didn't think it was possible for her to have anything left in her stomach after the eternity it felt like she'd been on that floor, so she ventured to stand up, but she staggered into Nicky who caught her before she could fall.

"Easy Chapman," Nicky said calmly.

"Thanks, Nicky" Piper mumbled.

"What are friends for, eh? Now can we uh get out of here?" Nicky asked and Piper nodded.

Nicky led Piper back to her bunk and laid her down. "Nicky - I don't feel good"

"You look like Shit too, sleep it off, you'll be fine tomorrow," Nicky said as she sat down on the edge of her bed.

"Not if Alex has anything to say about it" Piper muttered.

"Then just stay away from her, she fucked you up big time Chapman, you need to let her go" Nicky suggested, but by the look on Piper's face, she knew the blonde didn't agree.

"I can't go near her anymore, let alone speak to her. Not after this." Piper said sadly. Keeping her word to Alex was going to be harder than she anticipated, mostly because she didn't expect to have to. Obviously, she was mistaken.

"Why not, Chapman just play it cool," Nicky said.

"I promised her I wouldn't and I can't go back on my word to her," Piper said. "Not again"

"Vause is my friend too and she's also a bitch, but Chapman tell you what, I'll do your talking to her, and I'll take your laundry. You just stay away from her, yeah, and don't do anything stupid" Nicky offered. Piper came from a similar background as her, which made it easy to understand each other, and they got along well. This wasn't going to be as hard for Nicky as it was for Piper, she'd been in this position before, so she would just have to see how it played out between her friends. She just hoped that Alex got her head out of her ass before it was too late, because despite every awful thing Nicky had witnessed and heard about their past and present relationship, they still seemed like they belonged together.

"What do you want? Why are you doing this?" Piper asked suspiciously.

"We're friends Chapman, besides, eventually you'll come to return the favor I'm sure," Nicky said as she stood from Piper's bed. "Now where are your clothes, I'll take them to Vause now, shall I?"

Piper nodded. "They're just over there" She pointed to the bag of clothes by the wall of her cube.

"I'll be back in a while with some water for you, don't go dying on me now Chapman" Nicky joked as she took Piper's laundry and walked away.

Alex had just finished folding a set of khaki pants when Nicky walked in. "Nicky is she okay?" Piper was the still on her mind, even though she was still trying to decide what to do, and if she just wanted to accept her apology or not. She hadn't expected any of this and it threw her so far off balance that it felt like she would need days to sort her thoughts out.

Nicky raised an eyebrow questioningly at her. "Who?" Nicky asked although she knew very well who Alex was talking about. She was just upset that Alex had the nerve to ask after she had seen how broken down Piper was. Nicky had seen how Alex practically ignored Piper when they came by earlier, and she, unfortunately, saw the effects it had on her electrical coworker.

"Fuck you Nicky, Piper, who else would I be asking about?!" Alex snapped.

"Oh I don't know, maybe uh someone you actually care about?!" This wasn't her fight, but Piper couldn't or wouldn't do it for herself, and Vause needed a nice awakening if she said so herself. "But if you must know. Piper is probably going to be great, once she gets over your sorry ass, you fucking bitch" Nicky spat.

"If I didn't care, I wouldn't have asked! Why are you defending her anyways! She was going to leave me for that numbskull, Larry! How am I supposed to feel about her sudden declaration of love when she couldn't even tell me directly?!" Alex fisted her hands and hit the table covered in clothes.

Nicky stepped closer to Alex, glaring harshly at her. "I'm defending her because you need to wake up Vause. You gave her a choice and she chose you, what the Fuck is the problem?" Nicky asked sharply.

"I don't know!" Alex gave in. "I don't know what to do"

Nicky sighed. "Well, you need to figure it out Vause, because my friend, and your ex, underwent a huge amount of emotional stress for you. And I swear if you come back to her and hurt her again because you didn't figure out what and who you wanted, I will personally see to it that the rest of your time in here will be hell, you hear me?!" Nicky said deadly serious, because no one, not even one of her best friends would treat any of her other friends that way.

Alex nodded. "Are those hers?" She asked gesturing to the bag of clothes in Nicky's hand.

"Yeah, here you go laundry queen," Nicky said as she tossed Alex the bag and turned to leave. "Get your Shit together Vause" and then she was gone, and Alex was alone. The other people in the laundry room had left as soon as Nicky and her had started arguing.

She looked down at the bag of clothes in her hands and sighed. Bringing them up to her face she inhaled deeply. They were definitely Piper's clothes, they smelled just like her, and she loved it, but she was so confused. Nicky was right, though, she had to figure out what she was going to do. She leaned back against the wall behind her and let herself sink to the floor.

Good thing the day was almost over she thought bleakly.

Nicky stopped at the commissary and picked up Piper a bottle of water before she headed back to check on the sleeping blonde. Or, at least, she was supposed to be sleeping, but when Nicky came back Piper wasn't there. She was immediately concerned that Piper had gone to be sick again, so she went to check the bathrooms. She was relieved that Piper didn't appear to be in any of them so she wasn't throwing up, but then where was she?

It was close to dinner time and she hoped Piper was there, but when Nicky went into the cafeteria Piper wasn't there either. All of her other friends were, though, including Alex, and they waved her over to their table. Reluctantly she went over, sure that she Piper would walk in at any moment, or, at least, she'd be able to find her afterward.

Nicky wasn't even aware of the other people talking to her at the table until someone waved a hand in front of her face. She was too busy thinking of all the places Piper could be if she wasn't here or in her cube.

"Nicky - Earth to Nicky-" Alex said from across from her.

"Eh? What?" Nicky had been paying no attention at all.

"I said where's Piper" Alex repeated rather unenthusiastically, probably since she had to say it over like five times.

Nicky wasn't going to tell her that she didn't know, because if she did Alex would probably have sort of fit, and plus, Nicky had given her word that she would take care of Piper, so if she lost her it meant she failed. "I'm not telling you, Vause, she doesn't want to talk to you, and right now she can't even be in the same room as you in case you don't remember earlier," Nicky said evenly, hoping desperately that Alex just believed her.

Lorna, who was sitting next to Nicky, hadn't been paying much attention until Nicky had started talking. "What happened to Piper earlier?" She asked Alex, but before Alex could answer Nicky spoke up again.

"She felt sick, it's nothing to worry about, she should be better in a few days, though," Nicky said quickly, earning a questioning look from Alex, but she ignored it.

"You know, I bet it's the weather. It's been snowing here for like three days now when it clears I'm sure she'll feel better" Lorna added. "Speaking of Chapman, I think I'm going to go see how she is" Nicky stood up and was about to leave but Red who was also sitting at the table called after her "But Nicky, you didn't have anything to eat" but Nicky wasn't paying attention anymore, she had a thought and needed to go see if she was right. And she hoped to god that she wasn't.

Without another word she left the cafeteria quickly and headed towards the stairs where there was a window with a view of the yard. It was so hard to see since it was dark and the snow was so heavy it blurred everything together. She scanned the white yard until her eyes skimmed over something that wasn't supposed to be there. A person lying in the snow. Shit.

She practically ran down the stairs passing Red and Lorna who had left the cafeteria just after her.

"Nicky slow down, what happened?!" Red called after her, making Nicky pause at the door.

"It's Piper! One of you get some blankets, one of you hold the door, she's outside and I'm going to get her. Don't tell anyone, especially Vause" Nicky demanded quickly before pushing the door open and vanishing into the snow. It was so cold. The icy wind cut across her face, she could only hope that Piper wasn't frozen to death already. Damn Piper had really done it this time, or could she blame Alex? She didn't know, but she was cursing Piper right now for being stupid and for walking so far out into the yard while there was a giant snowstorm. By the time she reached the person she assumed was Piper, her fears were already confirmed, as even in the dark and snow, she could still see the blonde of her hair. Nicky's hands were shaking uncontrollably, but she still managed to get her arms around Piper's leaner frame, and she began dragging her limp body back towards the light of the prison door. As she got closer, she tripped dropping Piper and getting a face full of snow, but that only made her more determined to make it back. She pushed herself off the ground and got a better grip around Piper's torso and continued back to the door. Before she knew it, she found herself engulfed in the heat coming from the building and it stung, almost worse now than the cold. Thankfully most of the inmates were still at dinner as Lorna helped Nicky and Piper inside. Red had returned and gasped at the sight of the two girls who had been outside. She immediately helped Nicky get Piper to her cube with Lorna following quickly behind them.

Nicky didn't know how long Piper had been out there and that really worried her. Piper's lips were blue and her skin was paler than normal. Nicky prayed that they could get Piper back to normal before Alex noticed anything happened.

Red had made up Piper's bed with extra blankets, but they needed to change her wet clothes before they put her in it. They carefully set her down on the floor. "Nicky we need to get her out of these clothes, get her a different set" Red ordered in her thick Russian accent.

"Uh-all herrr clothesss are innn the lauundrrry, I-I tttook theem therrre myselllf " Nicky shivered as she started pulling Piper's shirt over her unconscious head, but she was having so much difficulty because her hands were still shaking uncontrollably.

Nicky turned to Lorna who had been busy trying to get Piper's shoes and socks off. "Lorrrna go-go gget a-a ssset of my clothess you-you knnoww wheree theey are" Nicky tried so hard not to shiver as she talked, but she couldn't help it. Lorna nodded and scurried off to Nicky's cube to fetch some new clothes.

"What got into her?!" Red asked as she helped Nicky get Piper's shirt completely off.

"Ssshe annd Allexx arre havvinnng issuesss" Nicky managed to say without giving too much away.

"Aren't they always?" Red scoffed as she leaned down to help Nicky with Piper's clothes. Thankfully Lorna returned just then with two new sets of clothes so Nicky didn't have to explain further; yet.

Nicky quickly stripped off her shirt and pants and slid into the dry ones Lorna had brought for her before she knelt back down and started re-dressing Piper. They had left her bra and underwater on, not wanting to deprive Piper of any sort of dignity if she recovered from this. Nicky had finally started to warm up and she and Red were able to dress Piper fairly quickly before they lifted her into the bed and covered her up to her neck in blankets.

Nicky sat just on the edge of the bed and put a hand to Piper's cheek. She was still freezing.

"Is she going to be okay?" Nicky asked glancing up at Red nervously. She didn't know what would happen if Piper didn't come back to them. She had no idea how she would react, let alone how Alex would if Piper- she didn't even want to think about it.

"I don't know honey." She reached for Piper's hand and held tightly onto her wrist searching for a pulse. Piper was still alive, her pulse was weak, but it was there. "She's still alive, but we'll have to keep an eye on her overnight, and hopefully she'll wake up," Red said. She had never cared much for the blonde, but now that she was lying there so vulnerable, and on the edge of death she felt sorry for her and admittedly more than a little curious about what pushed her over the edge. Nicky had mentioned Alex, and even though Red had a generally neutral feeling towards the tall brunette but not anymore, she had hurt one of Nicky's friends, and any friend of Nicky's was a friend of Red's, so that made it her problem. If Alex wanted to play rough prison bitch with her friends then so be it, but Red would remember all that had happened.

Red had noticed how quick Nicky had taken a liking to Piper since Piper arrived, and it made her happy that she had friends outside of druggies. Proud was the best word to describe how Red felt when she saw how willing Nicky had been to help Piper, she just hoped that Nicky's effort wasn't in vain.

Nicky seemed somewhat calmed by Red's words, but she still insisted on hugging the older woman in thanks for her help.

Nicky sat back down and took Piper's hand in hers and just hoped she would wake up.

Lorna sat down next to her comfortingly, but Nicky didn't want any of it. She knew she shouldn't have left Piper alone after she had seen what happened.

"Morello, can you keep an eye out for Alex for me, and let me know if she comes this way?" Nicky asked without taking her eyes off the unconscious blonde.

"Sure Nicky" Lorna said in her usual high pitched slightly accented voice before she walked away to go sit in her bunk to watch for Alex.

Red just stood there disapprovingly looking down at Nicky, who got the feeling she was about to be told off.

"What are you going to do? Why are you trying to keep Alex away from her?" Red asked.

"Alex did this to her, ma." Nicky said as if that would clear everything up, but when she looked up at Red, she knew she wasn't getting away with that answer. "They fought earlier, kind of" Nicky continued.

Red threw her hands up in the air, she clearly must be getting old if she couldn't understand how people fought anymore. "How can you 'kind of' fight with someone Nicky, explain that to me and why the Fuck do you care?!"

"Red- she probably my best friend in this joint- I can't lose her like we lost Trish- not this way, she has to get better" Nicky said quietly shuddering at the memory of the last girl that committed suicide there. "but listen they can't know I told you, yeah, they're my friends" Red nodded in acceptance of that condition. "So uh- Alex made Piper choose between her and her fiancé Barry or whatever the Fuck his name is, and when Piper went to Alex to tell her, her decision, Alex assumed she had chosen her fiancé, so in order to tell Alex how she felt, she called him and dumped him while Alex was listening, therefore proving that she had chosen Alex, but I guess Alex didn't believe her, or she wasn't expecting that, or I don't even know, but Alex never answered, and when Piper and I stopped by to see Alex a bit later, Alex still hadn't made up her mind, but she didn't tell Piper that and instead ignored her completely, which was totally uncalled for" Nicky explained quickly recapping everything. "Anyways, Piper didn't expect that reaction from Vause and she got real sick to her stomach and lost her entire lunch over it. I brought her back here and told her to lie down while I got her laundry sorted out and had a word with Vause. I stopped on my way back to get some water for her, but she wasn't here when I got back. I checked all the bathrooms and then I gave up and expected her to be at dinner, but she wasn't and I had no idea where to look until Morello mentioned the weather, and you know the rest" Nicky sighed and leaned back against the wall.

Red nodded slowly. "I see." She reached into her pocket and pulled out some folded papers and handed them to Nicky. "That explains this then"

Nicky's eyes widened. She took the papers and took a deep breath before looking back up at Red getting silent confirmation that it was what she had been internally hoping not to be true. She had wanted Piper to wake and tell her it was an accident, but the papers in her hands signified, and made it abundantly clear that this was no accident. Piper had chosen this.

Nicky carefully unfolded the papers and saw that most of the two pages front and back were full of words. Piper had obviously cried whilst writing it, as there were circular water stains all over it. She read it slowly, not wanting to miss any detail and her heart broke more with every word that was written. Piper seemed to have given this a lot of thought and there appeared to be a short section to everyone she cared about, it brought tears to Nicky's eyes, and she never cried.

Dear world,

I'm going to leave now and I just wanted to say my final goodbyes, because I will miss so many of the people here, even if they will never miss me.

First of all to my parents:

I'm sorry I was such a Fuck up in your eyes, and I hope you can find it somewhere in your cold, black hearts to forgive me for going to prison, and for ruining your precious reputations. Although, I hope my death can bring you some peace in the fact that I can no longer Fuck up your lives. I always loved you, even after the hell you put me through. Goodbye.


You were always the best part of our family, and it was a pleasure to be your competition for the worst child and biggest disappointment. I will miss your friendship. Goodbye, favorite brother.


You were one of my best friends and my worst enemies, and I loved you for it. Thank you for always being there for me, except when you weren't. I know you never agreed with my lifestyle choices, but after all, it was my life, and I forgive you for it. I just hope you can forgive me for being a stuck up bitch and not listening to you when you told me I was fucked. Anyways, I will miss you. Goodbye, Pol.


Yes, I know, crazy right. After I called to tell you it was over I included you in my suicide note. Well, I just wanted to be clear that you're a great guy, just not for me, and I also wanted you to know that I did mean everything I said to you earlier, so you can just think about that. Goodbye forever.

To whomever, it may concern inside Litchfield Federal Prison.


I'm sorry I insulted your food the first day I got here. It was an honest mistake. Please forgive me.

Morello and friends:

It was a pleasure meet you all, and although I'm sure my death means a whole lot of nothing to you guys, I wanted you to know I thought of you as my friends.

Nicky Nichols: -

Nicky stopped reading right there. She wasn't sure if she wanted to know what Piper had written to her. She was still hoping for her to live, although Piper obviously had thought this out and Nicky was going to find out sooner or later, so she might as well read it now. And if she was lucky and Piper lived, she could beat her up for putting her through this nightmare.

Nicky Nichols:

I'd like to thank you first of all for being my friend, and second of all for putting up with all of my fucked up problems. Also, thank you for your help earlier today, I'm only sorry that I couldn't say goodbye in person, I know if I had tried you would have stopped me, or, at least, talked me out of it, but I couldn't let you do that, so I regret that I had to say goodbye to you this way. None of this was your fault, though, and I swear to god if you blame yourself you better believe I will come back as a ghost and haunt you forever until you let it go, so please for both of us, don't blame yourself. You were probably my best friend in prison, thank you for making it bearable, and for your constant humorous commentary during all of our electrical work. I am not taking any secrets to my grave, so I wanted to admit that although your blunt lesbo nature kind of creeped me out when I first met you, I'm really glad I did because you are a really cool person, and I'll miss you so much. Stay away from drugs my friend.

Nicky couldn't help herself, she was full on crying now and even though some parts of it were meant to lighten the mood of it all, it just made it worse for her to think that Piper was able to joke around while she wrote all of this. She skimmed over the rest of it which was addressed to Alex, and there was another short section at the very end to the world again. Nicky didn't know if she should read what Piper wrote to Alex, especially since Alex caused this whole event in the first place, and Nicky knew that if she read it she probably wouldn't be able to stop herself from mauling Alex for what she did to Piper, but that made it all the more enticing for her to read. She wanted a reason to punch that bitch in the face. So she continued reading in hopes that she would find one.

My dearest Alex Vause:

I hope this letter makes it to you, especially since I wrote the most for you.

First of all, I want you to understand that I did this for you, as it was my choice, and I didn't do it because of you, so it wasn't your fault.

Secondly, I know you won't be able to read this whole thing without breaking down because I know you're a total softie at heart. I know you're probably reading like "What the Fuck is this stupid bitch going on about. The only words to describe me are, tall, sexy, and badass" I know that, but I'd like to think I knew the true you, totally soft and cuddly. If I wasn't dead already I'm sure you'd kill me for saying that, too bad I am right?

Anyways moving on, I thought you should know that I absolve you of your title "Ruiner of Piper Chapman's Life" because I did that myself, with only marginal help from you, which I forgive you for. Actually, come to think of it, I think I forgave you a long time ago for everything that happened.

Also, I know that I am anything but deserving of your love, trust, or even your forgiveness, but I wanted to apologize this one last time for all of the pain and heartache I put you through. I should never have abandoned you ten years ago. I should have held on to you and never let you go, but you don't need to worry about me anymore, I won't cause you any more problems.

By the way, I hope you realize that my death allowed me to keep the promise I made you earlier today; you will never have to hear me speak, or see me occupy the same room as you, and I will never ever be able to crawl back to you with my needs, my problems, my love, or even my laundry on the days when I could have had mine washed anyways, you needn't worry because I won't come crawling back to you at all. And if I come back as a ghost, maybe I'll visit you when I'm not too busy haunting Nicky or my family.

Lastly, I did say I wouldn't come back to you with my love, I am afraid I have to revise that. I have always and will always love you, Alex Vause, whether I'm there to show it or not, my love for you will always exist.

Please find some sort of peace in your life now that I'm not there to destroy it.

I heart you, always. -Pipes

And finally, to any investigators or prison staff, I fully admit that this was an action of my own doing and, therefore, a suicide. There is no need for an investigation. I wasn't forced by anyone except myself, and there were no weapons or drugs involved. However, if I may, I suggest you lock the doors in winter if you don't want this to happen again.

Sincerely, (signed) Piper Elizabeth Chapman, loving daughter, sister, acquaintance, friend, and lover.

Nicky hadn't even noticed Red had found a chair to sit in as she had finished reading Piper's final words. Nicky wiped the remaining tears out of her eyes, took one last look at the unconscious Piper, and stood. Red watched her. "Where do you think you're going?! Are you going to just leave her here?!" Red snapped, trying to talk some sense into Nicky before she did something stupid.

"Where is everyone at, they should have come back from dinner by now?" Nicky evaded Red's question.

"They're at the Christmas party, in the chapel, so if you are going to confront Vause like I can see is what you're about to do, maybe don't do it in front of everyone" Red knew there was no talking Nicky out of it, but this way she would get in less trouble.

"She needs to know that she did this and she needs to be able to live with that!" Nicky said loudly causing Lorna to peek out of her bunk. "Hey Morello, why don't you go to the Christmas party, yeah, I'll stay here with Chapman in case Vause shows up," Nicky said as calmly as she could. Lorna nodded and disappeared down the hallway, leaving Red, Nicky, and the cold, unconscious Piper all alone.

"Red, why don't you go enjoy the party," Nicky said after a few minutes of silence.

"And leave you all alone with the dying girl? I don't think so, besides you will need a witness to say you didn't kill her if she- uh if she..." Red trailed off at the horrified look she got from Nicky. "Don't worry, I'm sure she'll be fine"

"How the Fuck can you tell me not to worry?! Are you fucking kidding me right now?! She's fucking dying from hypothermia and you're telling me not to worry?!" Nicky was beside herself with anger for Alex for having done this, and she felt guilty for leaving Piper alone when she knew what had happened.

Red went silent and just let Nicky be, she knew if she said anything else it wouldn't go over well.

Nicky never expected Piper to try something like this. The part that scared Nicky the most, the part that made everything worse, was that if it wasn't for her, Piper would be dead by now. Frozen solid, not found until the light of day if she wasn't covered by too much snow, and if that happened, she wouldn't have been found until the snow melted. She would have been reported missing for sure, and Alex would have been distraught for sure, but there would have been no definitive answer as to whether she was dead or alive, or free, or just good at hiding. No one would know because no one else had cared enough to look for her, hell no had even noticed she went missing. Not even Alex Vause had noticed, albeit that was because Nicky lied to her, but she figured if Vause really cared, and really wanted Piper back, or if she really wanted to know how Piper was, Alex would have come looking for her herself no matter what Nicky told her. But Alex didn't, so Nicky was the only one who noticed. Even the guards didn't notice that one of their prisoners went missing, left the building during a snowstorm, and tried to commit suicide. Nicky knew this place was a joke, but come on. She had hoped since what happened with Trish, security would have tightened up around here just so things like this wouldn't happen as easily as they could, but based on the blue-lipped blonde that lay near her, nothing had changed at all. She didn't even notice anymore, but she had tears in her eyes again as all of these thoughts raced through her mind.

"Nicky - what is it?" Red asked when she noticed the wetness on Nicky's cheeks.

"It's just - hard to think that if- if I wouldn't have found her - she would be dead right now because no one else even noticed" Nicky didn't know if she was even making sense anymore, but she knew she could tell Red anything, even if it was nonsense.

Red moved over and sat next to Nicky, letting her cry onto her shoulder. "Shh - it's okay Nicky, you were there for her, though, even when no one else was. You probably saved her life, and when she wakes up she'll thank you for it" Red soothed her, speaking quietly.

When Nicky finally let Red go, she felt a lot better. It wasn't so much Red's words, but her presence was just comforting.

The Christmas party must have ended because people started wondering back to their cubes, laughing and smiling. One of the first people Nicky saw was Morello who upon seeing her tread quickly over to her. "Nicky, Vause is coming back, I didn't tell her anything I swear," Lorna said quickly before smiling and returning to her cube across the way.

Sure enough, a few minutes later Alex could be seen walking purposefully towards Nicky, and it took everything Nicky had to not give anything of what happened away, at least not yet. She still had everything under control. Before Alex reached them, Nicky got Red's help in rolling Piper onto her side to make it look like she was upset, or at the very least like she was asleep.

Alex stopped just outside of Piper's cube and gazed at the blonde, whom she assumed was just ignoring her, until Nicky obstructed her view.

"Vause, I thought I told you not to come near her until you got your Shit together," Nicky said cooly.

"I know, I remember. I just wanted to see her." Alex said sadly. "Piper!" Alex said hoping to get the blonde's attention, but Piper didn't move at all. In fact, Alex could hardly tell the Piper was even breathing.

"Shit Vause! She's asleep!" Nicky hissed.

"Are you sure? Is she even breathing Nicky?!" Alex's eyes narrowed and she quickly moved around Nicky, but before she could get to Piper, Red stepped in front of her.

"She's fine, no thanks to you. She said she might talk to you tomorrow, but that was before she fell asleep, I imagine if you wake her now she'll not be too grateful!" Red said sharply, her accent thick and intimidating. Alex nodded and backed away.

"Can you uh let me talk to her tomorrow then?" Alex asked Red but looked at Nicky for any signs of disapproval. Nicky shared a concerned glance with Red before she looked back at Alex.

"If she asks for you, we'll let you know," Nicky said, and with that, Alex turned to leave back to her own bunk.

Nicky quickly rolled Piper back onto her back and readjusted the blankets. Her skin was warmer than before and she was regaining some of the colors in her cheeks. Her lips were also a shade closer to red than they had been an hour before.

When the guards did their final rounds of the night, Nicky had to go back to her cube, but as soon as the lights were off and she was sure her roommate was asleep, she quietly made her way back to Piper's bunk. She would stay there all night, it wasn't like she was going to get any sleep anyways.

She positioned herself at the foot of Piper's bed and let herself lean back against the wall. She held one of Piper's hands and it seemed to bring her just enough comfort that she fell asleep for a few hours. When she woke up it was still dark, she was still on the foot of Piper's bed, and it was totally silent, she glanced around to see what woke her up. She almost screamed, had a heart attack, and fainted at the same time. She had to rub her eyes and pinch herself twice to make sure she wasn't in some twisted dream, or in a wonderful nightmare, because she was looking right at Piper who was leaning on her elbows, looking as confused as ever, but she was awake! And she was alive and that's what Nicky cared about.

"Nicky? Is that you-" Piper asked before she started coughing, her throat scratchy and hoarse from the cold dry air.

Nicky crushed her in a hug immediately. She had never been happier to hear Piper's voice.

"I can't believe you're alive. You bitch! I'm gonna kill you for what you did!" Nicky whispered quietly, but Piper could tell she was both happy and serious.

"Would you mind letting go of me?" Piper barely managed to say before she started coughing again.

Nicky did as requested and quickly handed Piper that bottle of water she got for her earlier.

"First tell me how you feel," Nicky said in a hushed voice.

"Cold, hungry, and tired, like really- really tired" Piper drawled and for a moment Nicky was scared that if Piper closed her eyes again she may never open them again. Piper's head lolled to the side and her eyes closed softly. "Piper, no. Wake up damn it" She shook her lightly, and then grabbed her head and forced her eyes open.

"Hmm? What happened?" Piper asked sleepily.

"You have to stay awake Piper stay with me" Nicky muttered and Piper nodded.

"I'll try but Nicky- where's the note I..."Piper trailed off when she saw Nicky hold up the papers. "You read them?"

"You bet your pretty fucking ass I did, but we can talk about that tomorrow," Nicky said. She didn't want to bother Piper with how upset this whole ordeal made her, yet.

"Okay, but did Alex? Did Alex read it too?" Piper asked hesitantly.

"No Chapman she doesn't know anything. She doesn't know what happened." Nicky tried to explain.

"What?" For some reason, that seemed to make Piper anxious and the last thing Nicky wanted was to stress her out.

"I told her you were still sick from earlier and she believed me" Nicky smiled softly.

Without any warning to Nicky, Piper used all of her strength to push herself up and wrap her arms tightly around the other woman. "Thank you so much" Piper whispered before she pushed Nicky away and started coughing.

"Easy tiger, lay off. You gotta rest up." Nicky grinned and Piper just shook her head.

"Nicky. She can't know." Piper said seriously.


"Alex. She can't ever know what I tried to do. And she must never ever find out, do you hear me?" Piper barely managed to say without coughing again.

"Okay okay, jeez. We can go over things like that tomorrow, right now you seem okay, but I'm gonna wake you in a few hours okay?" Nicky said before she yawned and leaned back against the wall again. Piper laid back down and reached for one of Nicky's hands. She held onto it as tightly as she could muster because just Nicky's presence was comforting to Piper as she felt herself spiral in the black oblivion and her last thought was of how lucky she was to have had a friend like Nicky.

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