“Newt!!!!!!!!” Screaming I opened my eyes.
I was able to move, I started to resist the strong grip on my arms.
“Midget, stop!” ordered a voice.
“Newt!!! No, no no please!!!!” I fought back.
“Midget!” shouted the voice again.
A sharp pain on my cheek made me stop.
Hardly breathing, I looked around me to find Spider looking at me, his hand still in the air.
“Where is Newt?” I asked him violently.
“Don’t know….outside.” answered a Spider, out of breath.
“What…..”I started to ask.
A strong cough made me shut up. I grabbed the water next to me and slowly drank it.
It was a dream. Just a dream. Newt was fine.
Well, I guess so….since he didn’t come back to me.
“Hum….I guess you were expecting someone else but you could look a bit happier to see your visitor.” Spider said a bit offended.
“I’m sorry! Of course I’m happy you’re here…..just….why?” I asked.
Spider couldn’t refrain a big laugh.
“Just visiting the survivors I guess.” Spider laughed.
“Ah…..” I sighed, unable to think of another thing to say.
“What? Would there be any other reasons?” Spider asked, surprised.
“No! Of course not! Thank you for coming!” I said.
“You really have a strange voice. I guess this is the result of when someone try to strangle you to kill you and eat you. Or to eat you and then kill you. I’m not really sure yet, do the infected prefer eating their prey alive, all screaming and fighting back, or do they prefer to avoid the pain and the bloody mess by killing the prey first?” he asked, a bit too passionate about the subject.
I pulled a face in front of his words. It was quite pushing me back to remember and try to imagine what would have happen without Newt and Doc.
“Sorry, sorry. I guess my imagination went ahead of my tongue. Forget it! I’m happy you’re ok! You’re too funny to die when I just show up!” He said grinning.
I forced myself to smile and to forget the topic –way too much detailed topic- he brought.
“Yeah, I’m hard to kill.” I tried to joke.
“I see that!” He said in a sudden serious voice.
“Anyway, since when was I …hummm…sleeping alone?” I asked, trying to look innocent.
I tried to ask him in a neutral voice.
“I guess Doc’ left you few hours ago. He came back but looked like you were sleeping.” Spider answered me.
“He came back? Was he with….I mean was he alone?” I asked, trying to not put all the importance I was putting in his answer, in my question.
“Hein? Hum, yeah he was.” Answered Spider, surprised.
“Ah.” I couldn’t stop the pain from getting in my voice.
So Newt refused to come and to see me at the end.
“Hum Midget? I think you … well it’s not my place to say that. I mean I just arrived and….well I don’t really understand the dynamics here. Seriously from outside, there are too many people, everyone is having different roles, then crazy ones try to come and eat others, I don’t get it. It is like an …” he rumbled.
“Spider!” I stopped him before coughing.
He was making me dizzy and almost made me lost his main point.
“It’s ok. I’m also a newbie. I just have few couple of days in more than you. I don’t really understand it neither.” I tried to reassure him.
Yeah, just few days. It’s not like I could say I know Newt or anything. I’m being ridiculous!* I tried to put some reason in me.
“So whatever you want to say, just feel free to do so.” I finished.
Spider looked a bit confused. He tend a hand to me and pressed my hands thankfully for a couple of seconds before letting go. I would have been happier if it was not the hand with the tattoo that I was trying my best to not look at.
“Well….Ok I’ll say it. I….saw Newt, few hours ago, after your aggression.” Spider started.
“Oh.” I said.
Did he tell him I was a girl? I tensed and waited for the rest.
“He was…hum how can I say…upset? Yeah he definitely looked upset. He was quite loud about you. He was saying a bunch of stuff to some other guys about how you were not someone we can trust, that you shouldn’t be here. That you were not one of us.” He finished, looking at my face.
It hurts. It hurts like hell. Made me forgot my physical pains. He was not on my side anymore. Newt was not going to help me out anymore and according to what Snake saw, he was already trying to get me out.
It’s not like he owed me anything. However, I would have hope that he would come talk to me first. He always was pragmatic with me. Oh how I was hoping it was just another dream! But the pain in my body, the feeling my guts were ripped out was far too real for a dream.
I dug all of that into me, deep, deep into me. I couldn’t let it get me. I couldn’t lose it.
It’s ok, you will start again. And if it is not possible, then you will try the maze. Must not be that terrible.
My mind was already making plan to run away when I stopped them. No way! I was not a loser! I was not a weak and fragile little thing that will run away when she was scared.
Remembering that Spider was still here, I took a breath and tried to answer calmly.
“I see. Thank you for letting me know. It’s ok, we had a misunderstand, nothing to think about.” I told him. It looked like my neutral voice was maybe too perfect because he was watching me doubtfully.
“I’m sorry Midget. I don’t want you to get hurt. After all that, all that happened today, you don’t deserve it.” Spider said.
I shook my head.
“It’s ok, don’t worry.” I tried to reassure him.
“Are you sure? If you want, I can go find him so you guys can talk.” Spider proposed.
“No, we both need some rest.” I answered.
My mind was blank.
Spider was talking about something else, I had no idea what. I couldn’t focus. I was just making some agreement noise time to time so he will keep going. After what I estimated an enough time I stopped him.
“I’m tired, I guess it’s time to sleep.” I interrupted him.
Spider stopped talking. According to his face my timing had been wrong and I didn’t let enough time pass.
Well I didn’t care, I couldn’t stay straight anymore.
“Yeah, I bet you must be tired. I’ll let you sleep then.” He said while standing up.
“Thank you for coming Spider, I really appreciate it.”
“No worries, I am glad you’re safe.” He said before leaving.
I waited for few seconds, making sure he left. Then a big sighed escaped my lips.
That had been a hell of a day. I had plenty of things to think of. First of all Newt discovered I was a girl. Was he going to tell everyone? If so what was going to happen? Obviously he already figured out which way he wanted to see me. Then, there is Franck. Where was he now? Will he try to kill me again? I knew the answer and I didn’t like it. I started to get tired of feeling defenceless and just waiting, expecting the next catastrophe.
I don’t know what was going to happen next, but I could at least control myself. I will learn to fight and to run. And I will get the Hell out of there.
I felt relieved. It was maybe not going to help me facing the biggest issues, however, it will allow me to get some control on the things. And that, I liked.
After that thought, I was able to get some sleep, even if nightmares woke me up few times.
The next morning, I didn’t really feel refresh. My body was making me feel awful and I couldn’t touch my throat without a burning sensation that stopped my breath. However, I still had my determination. That was a nice plus.
“Mo’ning Doc’” I murmured.
I discovered the night before that it was hurting less to murmur and to avoid the “r”.
“Good morning Midget. How are you today?” Doc’ asked in a fake joyful voice.
“Couldn’t do bette’.” I lied.
“Glad to hear that obvious lie.” Doc’ commented in a sharp voice.
He applied some cream to my throat and made me drink hot potion. From the smell probably tea.
“About yesterday…” he started, embarrassed.
“No p’ob Doc’. Thank you.” I avoided.
He looked at me for a few seconds. I feigned nonchalance, drinking the burning tea.
“He just needs some time.” I tried to comfort me.
According to what Spider reported, it would take more than just time. Things will never be the same. I felt pinch in my heart but I ignored it. I ruminated enough on that. I needed to move on.
“Doc’, who would be the best fighter here?” I asked.
“Fighter? Why?” he clearly was taken aback by my question.
“I wanna learn.” I said, seeing no reason to lie.
I could read all his emotions on his face. He opened his mouth to dissuade me but it looked like he then thought again. It was not hard, seeing my throat that must be blue right now. I needed some self defense.
“Hum, I would say…Gal. But I don’t think he would like to teach you anything Lad.” he said.
I agreed. Gal wanted me out of there, not to become my private teacher.
“Let me ask again. Which good fighter would accept to teach me?” I asked.
“I only see 3 goods ones: Alvi, Newt and Minho. They are the best after Gal. Maybe Caleb would be better than Minho but he is following Gal.” Doc’ answered.
“Yes. He usually go with the name of Cal’.” Doc’ tried to help me figure out who he was.
“Ah…..yeah, he is a runner.” A sudden memory of a guy I met at my start here. Not really friendly was an euphemism.
“I will ask Alvi and Minho then.“ I decided.
Alvi would be too busy, maybe 2 or three times a week. Minho will have more time to spare.
“You should also … ah no, maybe not indeed.” He said embarrassed.
Yeap, asking Newt was not the good idea right now.
As soon as I was able to get away from Doc’ –who is adorable but had a tendency of turning more and more of a mother hen- I looked for them both.
I was a bit scared that Newt may have talked or that I would meet him. I was scared for nothing. He didn’t say anything about my gender to the other and was running today.
Alvi accepted to train me with a big grin. It will be once every week. My scars must have been more impressive than what I was thinking for him to give me so much of his time. Minho jumped on the occasion. He told me he will teach me every day after the official duties and that it was starting in 3 days –order from the Doc’-. I thanked him and went to help in the kitchen until the end of the working day. I passed the next 3 days helping in the kitchen and trying to avoid Doc’s deep attention. Sometimes, I was looking at Newt from afar, but he never looked at me back. I decided, I was better either in the infirmary either deep in the kitchen. Nobody to see there.