Sure enough, his reaction didn’t took long.
“You want what?” He asked coldly.
“I want to run with Minho and you and everyone, and find the exit.” I explained calmly.
“Are you bloody insane?” Newt shouted.
“I am fast and you know it! For the stamina, it’s true it is not that high yet but I am building it and I already can compete. And for my memory, well, nothing that I have forgot from these past weeks.” I answered.
“That is not a problem of stamina. There is no bloody way in Hell that you are becoming a Runner.” He said.
“Excuse me?!” I protested, not having expected this type of extreme answer from him.
“You can’t be one that’s it, end of the conversation.” He said, bluntless.
“Excuse me?!!” I shouted, loosing my calm at his “final”. “And who do you think you are to say that? The conversation is not over. I run almost as fast as you. I don’t see where your bloody problem is!”
“You will not go running outside, it is too dangerous!” he said, honest.
“Because it is not dangerous inside maybe? Sorry I might have forgotten the infirmary incident.” I sarcastically answered.
“It’s not what I meant!” he said.
“It’s exactly what you meant and you know it!” I pushed him back.
“Fine! Yes it’s what I bloody mean. Outside, there are the things that did that to Frank, there are a lot of them. I won’t let you put yourself in danger!” he said, his cheeks turning a slight pink.
“I don’t remember asking you your authorisation! And Minho and you are doing this all the time. So it is fine to put you in danger but not me?” I said, shocked.
“You’re a bloody girl! You have to be protected.” He lost patience.
“Oooooh! So now you’re my knight in shiny armor? Funny, I don’t remember seeing your white horse in the camp!” I said coldly.
“Middget….” Newt tried to calm me down, feeling he went overboard.
“No! I don’t remember asking for a different treatment since I am here. I never asked you for that so stop thinking you have right to decide for me. I am in the same shit than everyone else here. My gender didn’t change anything to the story. I have the weapons to fight back with my legs and you’re trying to push me away.” I was furious.
“I don’t want you to be hurt.” He shouted, grabbing my shoulders.
I could read real worry in his eyes. That is the only reason I didn’t shout back at him. He seriously was worried about me. Even if he was not using the right excuses, how could I be angry at him?
“Newt….If we stay here, I will be hurt. We will all be and die eventually. Let me fight with you. Let me stay on your side.” I said, introducing the situation in a softer way.
“I bloody hate you.” He said with a voice that was confessing the opposite.
“Me neither.” I smiled at him.
We both calmed down.
“If it can reassure you, I swear I won’t try anything reckless. You know me.” I promised.
“That is why I am bloody worried.” He sighed before letting go of my shoulders.
“Hey! That’s not nice! I am not looking for troubles!” I claimed.
“Nah, they find you on their own. You’re like a flashlight for mosquitoes.” He analysed.
“Hey again!” I exclaimed before hitting him lightly in his shoulders.
The only answer I got was a laugh.
We both relaxed and just enjoyed the water. It was strange to think that few weeks earlier …. Well, all my life disappeared. Now, my life was all about the maze, Newt, Minho, Doc’, Alvi and the rest of the boys. I had no idea what as outside. I had no idea where I was coming from and from as far as my memory was concerned, I was only few weeks old. However all the relations I had with these people were so deep. Maybe because they were all I had.
Floating in the water, I turned my head to observe Newt who was doing the same few meters away.
It was more than that, I decided. What I felt inside when I was with him wasn’t only because I didn’t have a past. It was more. It had to be more.
“We should head back.” Newt said.
I sighed. He was right. As usual.
After that, the day ran as always. The only exception was Spider. He stayed with me all day. But he was not his usual cheerful and talkative self. No. He kept silent and I had the feeling he was glaring at my back. Not really into his drama, I decided for silent myself.
Well I tried.
But after few hours of silence work, I just couldn’t stand the idea of him glaring at my back with a spade in his hands. I did pretty well all day at ignoring him but as the sky was turning more reddish as the end of the day was approaching, the more my patience was consumed.
I suddenly turned to him and decided to break the ice nicely.
“What’s your problem?” I asked aggressively.
Awesome….that is just the right approach to someone. Even if he hadn’t any issues right now, I just gave him the perfect opportunity to get a grudge against me. You did it again…
“… Excuse me?” Spider asked surprised.
“I mean, you don’t seem like usual.” I tried to reword in a more neutral tone.
God, of course Newt had to be running today when his verb would have been more than useful I cursed the Gods.
“I guess….I mean…It is not easy everyday so…well…if you wanna talk…” I tried.
Yay….which sane person would want to talk to a clumsy dumb idiot?
“Well….it is a bit strange.” Spider commented.
I started to wonder about his sanity but he kept talking.
“I’m having… these strange dreams….but I know they are more than dreams…But ….” He sighed, like if it as difficult to keep going.
“But you know that they happened?” I offered my help.
“We all have these …”dreams”. They are not easy.” I sympathised.
“Hum….but … they don’t concern me.” Spider said.
“What do you mean?” I asked sincerely curious.
Since the nightmares, I had no new memories. Every time it started, I was just waking up. My mind had put in place its own alarm system. Either that, either something was wrong with me.
Nah, I have an awesome mind with the best alarm clock ever, that is IT!
Obvious to my own delirious monologue, Spider kept going.
“It is still confused. I remember a room. A cold room. All white. And his used padded leather chair and a …” he started in a dry voice.
“Piercing light.” I finished in a breath, feeling the blood leaving my face.
That was my dream. The one with the spider pushing its venom inside me.
“Yay…. And the pain….the icy burned in my blood, running through my veins, going to my heart. No hope or escape possible. No ending. You can never escape. Never.” He added quietly.
I didn’t realize his cold voice tone, I was feeling sick. That was my memory. I didn’t want to remember it. Never.
“Do you …know…what I mean?” He asked.
Lost in my memory, trying to contain them, I just nodded.
“Do you … remember?” Spider asked in an insinuating voice.
“No.” I lied, shaking my head weakly.
“Do you feel it? The cold of the room running on your skin like ice cube. The smell of the used leather and the sour one of terror, floating in the air and getting mixed together…” Spider described with a weird voice.
“…no…” I shaked my head stronger.
“Do you see the light, so piercing that it passes through your closed eyelids, burning your retina…” he added with an excited voice.
“No!” I covered my ears, closing my eyes, fighting the flashback from my memory, focusing so much that I could feel the sweat on my forehead.
“Do you feel ….the pinch of the needle going through your perfect skin, looking for your vein…the product starting to burn…the scream that can’t escape your lips, trapped in your throat, blocking your breathe…” Commented Spider, like if he was describing the most beautiful painting on earth.
“Stop it!” I begged, incapable to move, paralyzed by fear.
“…is what you wish, your mind is screaming, running insane, throwing itself desperately to the walls of your brain. Trying to control your body. But…nothing is responding.” He smiled.
*Make it stop!!!!
“Deep inside you know….you will always be on this chair.” He whispered in my ear, like a promise.
“NOOO!” I screamed.
My fits crashed into his noise in a disturbing sound. The pain in my hand made me realize my body was responding. Not like in this memory. I could move. And run.
Without thinking twice, I ran away from Spider and his memory and his voice, his so disturbing voice. I ran through the other boy of gardening duties. They looked at me like I had run insane. After all; I just lost it and broke the noise of another of us without any reasons. But I didn’t pay any attention to them. Only the desire to run farther and farther away from that and from myself and my own memory was important. It was all that mattered. I run and run but arrived to the wall way too early. No way I was stopping. I did the only thing I could think of and flew to the door. Nothing could scare me as much as what happened in the past.
I fasten, sprinting toward the door. These so tall doors that made me compare myself one day at an insect. I didn’t even slow down while I passed the group of guy next to the door, lost in their conversation. Not even at their screams when they realized where I was heading to.
I didn’t care about them. I didn’t care about anything. I didn’t want to remember. I didn’t want to think of the room, of the terror building up inside me when I remembered that. At the even darkest one when I remembered how they used to call me.
I fastened up, as to lose the memory in my trail. It didn’t left.
I fastened up again.
The doors were only few meters away.
The blurry idea that if I was passing the door, every memories will leave me, was strong in my mind. I will pass the door and everything else will disappear. The white room, the used chair, the needles, the spider…
Only few meters to come back to what I was before the nightmares. Before Spider talked to me. Before my mind turned its back on me and show me even more.
No way, I didn’t want to know anything more. I know I didn’t!
I realized that the group of chatty guys were not screaming anymore but running after me. They were faster but I was desperate.
These doors were my salvation.
The seconds were eternity, turning in my head with evil laughs, distracting me of my surroundings…I didn’t realized I passed the doors and that I was in the Maze but that memory were still turning in flash, waiting for one second of distraction to pass my mental barricade and draw me under them.
Fight the memories, fight, fight, turn right, fight, fight, left, fight, straight, right, fight, fight, right, fight, straight, fight….stop for the wall.
Then it hit me.
I was facing a wall.
There were only walls all around me. Huge walls. Walls for Giants.
No more trees, garden, huts or guys running behind me. No more scream.
I was alone.
And I was in the maze.