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MISTER LOVELY BOOTS

By Tair Rafiq

Humor / Scifi

MISTER LOVELY BOOTS

Most people believe that there are only two sides to The Force: The Light Side and The Dark Side. But these people are wrong, for there is a third way: The Fluffy Side of The Force.

The practitioners of this little known – and sometimes maligned – mystical art are completely non-violent. Fluffy Side devotees dedicate themselves to wandering the galaxy, spreading joy, rescuing injured teddy bears and generally being nice and gorgeous and lovely to everyone. Most underestimate the power of The Fluffy Side, but that is a mistake; for it has a strength greater than anyone can fully grasp, as one disciple of The Dark Side was about to discover.

His name in those days was Palpatine. He also went by the name of Darth Sidious. But no matter what he called himself, he was basically a jerk.

He wanted everything done his way. It was his will to have the universe laid out before him so that he might trample it with his size six golf spikes, and if any dared to question him he would make them suffer in the most unspeakable ways. So he was no different than most bosses that many of us have worked for, (right kids?).

One day this unpleasant man went into a coffee shop on Coruscant and ordered a drink fit for a Sith; a triple dark espresso with dark chocolate sprinkles. Unfortunately the girl behind the counter mixed up the order and gave him a cinnamon latte with a caramel swirl.

Enraged, Darth Sidious used his Sith lightning to incinerate the little coffee shop. And then he had his storm troopers blow up the pet shop next door just for the hell of it.

This mindless act of cruelty was to have unforeseen consequences. As the pet store burned, Sidious saw something moving in the smoking rubble.

“Ah good,” he grinned diabolically, “a defenceless animal to torture. I have a few minutes to kill before my teeth yellowing appointment; this should pass the time nicely. Mwa ha ha!.”

But as he lifted up the scorched debris, he stopped. Looking up at him with its big soulful eyes was the most gorgeous little tabby kitten he had ever seen.

Normally, Sidious would have kittens for breakfast, quite literally. However this little ball of fluff was of a cuteness that Sidious had never encountered before, for this kitten was strong with The Fluffy Side.

And so it was that the cold black heart of Darth Sidious was melted all for the love of a tiny kitty cat no bigger than the palm of his hand. The Sith Lord fell to his knees and wept without shame as he cradled that little warm bundle of love.

The storm troopers stopped in the midst of their gerbil slaughtering and also began to sob. It was strange to see so many grown clones break down so quickly, but their master’s outpouring brought to the surface their own secret pain. They did what they did only because they had no mummies and daddies to teach them any better. They also had no belly buttons. So when people asked them if they were innies or outies, they would frown and reply that they were neither; they were ‘nowties’.

With so much emotion flying around, Palpatine began to feel something stir within him, something magical. It was the ‘giddy-chlorians’ the microscopic life forms through which The Fluffy Side is channelled.

And so it was that the veil of The Dark Side fell from Palatine’s eyes. His heart swelled like a red giant star of love about to explode in a supernova of joy.

At last, Palpatine could contain himself no longer; he ran through the city and greeted the dawn as if it was the first one he had ever seen.

“Hello world,” he cried. “Hello universe! Hello Ralph’s Droid Factory! Hello Tatooine Savings and Loan! Hello smouldering crater in the ground where the Jedi Temple used to be!”

Palpatine then proceeded to make several very significant changes to his life: First he discarded his sinister black cloak and bought a nice yellow cardigan. Then he gave away his Sith light sabre to a charity shop. It was a charity to help Wookie veterans of the Clone Wars, which was called ‘Fur Aid’. Its symbol was a lock of Wookie fur tied in a loop and worn on the lapel; it was called the ‘Fur Aid Knot’.

Next Palpatine went into a sweet shop and bought a huge bag of treats which he shared with everyone. He saved the last humbug in the bag for himself, though, and he used it as the power crystal at the heart of a new, peppermint striped light sabre, which he used to toast marshmallows.

Finally, Palpatine decorated his boots with some gold paint and some glitter, and he drew smiling teddy bear faces on the toecaps. And from that moment he was no longer Palpatine, pitiless overlord of the Galactic Empire or Darth Sidious, ruthless Lord of the Sith. He was the candy-coated embodiment of The Fluffy Side of The Force: he was Mister Lovely Boots!

He returned to his bewildered storm troopers and gave them an instruction that befuddled them even more. It was Order Eleventy-four: the imperial military apparatus was to stop oppressing and bullying and blowing up planets. Instead they were to swap their blasters for candyfloss guns and go around being sweet and nice and lovely and super.

The storm troopers were not sure about all this at first. They were bred for battle; they knew no other life. However, Mister Lovely Boots won them around in the only way that a Fluffy Sider knows how: not with a sabre, not with mind tricks, but with a song!

Grab your coat and hat,

Leave your blaster on the doorstep,

Don’t you be so coarse

With The Fluffy Side of The Force.

Let your feet go pitter-pat

As they dance a little two-step,

It’s a craze that you’ll endorse,

That’s The Fluffy Side of The Force.

With his sparkling footwear, Mister Lovely Boots then went into a dazzling tap dance routine, at the end of which he signalled one of his storm troopers to take it from there. The soldier did so hesitantly; but as the spirit of The Fluffy Side took hold, whole battalions of warrior clones were performing a spectacular musical number all across the face of Coruscant.

It all built up to a spectacular finale, with Mister Lovely Boots leading a high-kicking chorus line:

Though I’ve been a naughty prat,

It’s forgiven ‘cos I’m full of pep,

I can smile without remorse,

With The Fluffy,

That’s The Fluffy,

Yes The Fluffy Side of the Foooooooorce!

And so it was, with Coruscant transformed into a much brighter place than when he found it, Mister Lovely Boots resolved to spread his newly discovered fluffiness to the rest of the galaxy. So he bought himself a camper van, painted it with all the colours of the rainbow and set off with his small kitty cat friend. Serenaded by Ewoks with butterfly wings plucking gingerbread banjos, they headed for the stars.

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