Indisposed

Day Terrors

At quitting time, Kensi tugged on Deeks’ arm. “Come on. You have to check it out.”

“Check out what?” He slung his messenger bag across his chest.

“The bathroom, of course. I gotta pee. Bad.

Deeks looked confused. “The bath . . .oh, to hunt for small furry creatures. That had slipped my mind. I got so engrossed in those cold cases.”

“Well, it didn’t slip my mind. Do you see me about to wet my pants here?” Her face was a grimace.

Deeks gave her a once-over. “I thought Wonder Woman would have super-human bladder control. But now that you mention it, you do look kinda . . . uncomfortable.”

“Stop talking and go check it!” ordered Kensi. She gave him a shove.

“Why don’t you just use the men’s locker room? I’ll stand guard outside.”

“No! It probably smells like sweaty guys and gym socks and . . .”

“Primal testosterone?”

“Would you even know testosterone if it slapped you in the face?” asked Kensi with a sneer.

“Touché, princess. Honestly, Kens, I don’t know how you can be a sniper, yet you can’t deal with one little mouse.”

“I think it was more like a large rat.” Kensi stood with her hands on her hips and stared at Deeks. “Fine. If you won’t check for me, I’ll get someone else.” As luck would have it, Eric was strolling by at that moment reading something on his tablet.

She waved to him. “Eric, can you . . .”

Deeks grabbed her arm. “Never mind, Eric.”

The computer expert looked at the partners with raised eyebrows.

“It’s nothing. Everything’s under control,” said Deeks.

“If you say so.” Eric pointed to Ops. “I’ll be upstairs if you need me.” He had no idea what was going on with those two. Probably better not to know.

“The things I do for you, Kensalina,” sighed Deeks. He acted as if it was a monumental task.

“Yeah, because we’re partners,” she reminded him.

“Maybe there should be a limit to partner expectations.”

“HURRY UP!” yelled Kensi as she hopped from foot to foot.

Deeks laughed and cautiously pushed open the door to the women’s locker room. “Anybody home?”

No response. He entered and did a cursory check for small furry creatures, but found nothing amiss.

“Clear,” he said when he came out.

“Thank goodness,” sighed Kensi as she rushed past him.

A minute later she was back. She heaved out a big sigh. “I’m good to go,” she announced. She retrieved her purse from the back of her chair and they started for the door.

“Uh Kens, what’s that?” Deeks pointed to his left as his right hand pulled an old toupee out of his front pocket. He flung it low and in front of Kensi.

“HOLY CRAP!” she yelled and stepped back. Her purse hit the floor and her phone, wallet, breath mints, receipts, and tampons spilled out.

“I knew it was still here! You probably chased it out of the bathroom, on purpose, to traumatize me! I HATE YOU!”

Deeks was doubled over laughing hysterically.

Kensi stared at him. “What the hell is wrong with you? It’s NOT funny.”

Deeks straightened and wiped his eyes. He laughed so hard he was crying. “Yes, it is! Did you get a good look at it? Is it moving?”

“What?” Kensi’s eyes narrowed. She turned and peered closely. It just sat there against the wall.

“If it’s so dangerous why isn’t it moving?” asked Deeks.

“No doubt it’s waiting until I get closer and then it’ll try to run up my pants leg.” Even as she said that, Kensi was beginning to think she might just be the butt of some stupid joke perpetrated by her equally stupid and supremely annoying partner.

“Should I secure the area for you, partner?”

Kensi shot him a dirty look. A long moment passed. She looked back at the wall. Nothing had changed. “I got this,” she hissed.

She crept closer, but stopped about 3 feet away. She scrutinized the blob. Then she stomped over, picked it up, threw it in a nearby trash can.

“A damn toupee? Is that the best you could do, Deeks?”

Deeks was laughing again. “Actually, it was. There was no time to go to a costume shop for a fake rat. Eric found it in a locker. I’d say it served the purpose nicely.”

“I fail to see even an ounce of humor here,” said Kensi. She bent to pick up her purse contents. Deeks also leaned down to help her.

“DON’t touch my stuff!” she shrieked and slapped away his hand. She gathered everything and made a beeline for the front door.

Sam and Callen had returned from the gym in time to witness the whole incident. “Guess we won’t see you anymore,” laughed Sam.

Deeks turned to look at him. “What?”

“Because she is gonna kill you. You’ll be just a little greasy spot on the floor. You may never get back in her good graces.”

“Not to mention her bed,” said Callen. “Any aspirations you may have had of knowing her in the biblical sense just dropped astronomically.”

“Minus zero,” added Sam.

There was a moment of awkward silence. Deeks glanced from Callen to Sam and shook his head.

“Wow.” For once, he had no comeback. He turned and walked out.


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