#gazzomit would love your feedback! Got a few minutes to write a review?
Write a Review

Caillou Has Ball Cancer: Acts One and Two

By #gazzomit

Action / Humor

Chapter 1



Rain was pounding. Click. Clack. Click. Clack. The ominous clouds’ caterwauls drained the incessant nearby drone of the black teenagers from next door blasting Ace Hood’s “Bugatti” as the city of Montreal snoozed. It was the first rainfall since the arctic winter that left those political naysayers screaming about global warming being a hoax. Other than those cornrowed bastard children, everyone was sound asleep.

But Caillou, now 10 and awaiting his evening chemotherapy treatment, is sobbing as hard as it was raining. To his mother, now a stripper at joint, Le Cat House, just coming home from work, he cried. “Mommy! My testicles are the size of pool balls! How can I fit them inside Leo’s fudge tunnel?”

“Caillou, stop being such a whiney nincompoop! Get yourself together!”

Then, Caillou’s dad, turning off his pirated Christmas with Colonel Sanders album screamed, “Caillou! You’re making it hard for me to fap to this Playgirl!”

“Play….what!?” Caillou’s mom screeched.

“Oh shit, nevermind. I’ll be off at GRS…I mean uh…My ten o’clock shift at the Outback Steakhouse!”

“Wait! You aren’t gonna give me a ki--”


Caillou and his mom then did some knitting and making their favorite night time snack: Scrambled eggs mixed with assorted contraband. After his mom went to sleep, Caillou got a phone call.

“Oh no! Who’s calling me?!” Caillou whispered. “Who could this be?”

Caillou did not have caller ID at the time, so he took his chances by answering the phone.

“Hi. Are you Caillou?”


“I’m Michael Jordan. I would like to--”

“That annoying black boy from down the street? Yeah, I...”

“Whaddafuck are you saying!? I go Space Jam all over you till yo ass can’t-- Sorry about that. I’m really sorry. But congratulations! You have been selected in a raffle of cancer patients to meet me.”


“Okay, you didn’t have to get all homosexual on me there but yeah! I’ll give you directions man.”


Caillou’s mom woke up. “Caillou, come here. Caillou, when we said that Gilbert was gone.”

“Someone else has him?”

“No, Caillou, you know how Rosie died? Gilbert was killed in that giant fire too. I’m really sorry!”

Caillou was in shock. “No. No. NOOOO!!!!!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” Caillou started pelting his toy cars across the room until his mom intervened.

“No Caillou, it’s okay. Need a hug Caillou?”


“Caillou. You know that things like this happen. I know it’s tough, but you can get through this. I remember when my mother died. She died after a crude implant procedure. We had tickets to see Jersey Boys, and I had to watch the three dudes engage in oral after my mom choked on some foie gras. It’s okay Caillou. I love you. I always will my baby boy.”

“I love you mommy!” Caillou and his mom embraced each other passionately like a non-incestuous jerk circle. With two peop--


Caillou’s mom was mad. “Who’s there? This better be my hubby!”

“Caillou De Salle? Come here, it’s Michael Jordan! I think I’ll pick you up instead of making you guys drive like twenty minutes.”

Caillou bolted down the stairs without hesitation. Caillou opened the door.

“Caillou De Salle and whatever your mom’s name is, it doesn’t fucking mention it in the serie--”

Another cop slapped him. “You are both under arrest!”

“What for?” Caillou’s mom demanded.

“Well here in Canada, we don’t give a shit about you letting your son drive, so we’ll book you at $1,000 bail, but we do care that your son killed Jaclyn Linetsky on the way to his doctor’s appointment, the voice of you on your show Caillou. We also looked in your car and found the imprint of two large testicles, and the soundtrack to Space Jam!”

“Caillou,” his mom said, “is this true?”


“Alright, take him away boys!”


Caillou bitchslapped the cops immensely hard, and as they were lying on the floor, he pulled down his pants, took his radiating boner and engulfed the cops in carcinogenic semen.


“Oh, no. Jacques! There’s fat on me balls! THERE’S FAT ON ME BALLS!”





Caillou sobbed and sobbed as he bolted down his suburban street. He thought he could hear Jaclyn Linetsky singing Frère Jacques in such a sweet, high pitched French voice. As Caillou passed by the local Couche-Tard, the black kids, sipping on creamsicles screamed “Yo, this kid’s a crunk wigga goin ham on the po po!”

The other members of the gang exclaimed, “YEAH!!! Let’s hit ‘em up to join our gang!”

“WE’LL SEE ABOUT THAT!” Caillou’s streaking father said.

Continue Reading Next Chapter
1. Chapter 1
Further Recommendations

EnigmaticGeek: I have only read one chapter and so far I'm loving it! It's an amazing book. I usually lose interest in books easily, but this one captivated me. I am loving the writing style..........it's not melodramatic. It's simple..but very interesting. I am loving the characters. The author deserves a thu...

Rita Kovács: It is a brilliant post-apocalyptic story, and there is a lot of work in it! Also, I'm really happy to see, it got published with all its seqences, because this story deserved it, it is wonderfully written, it's imaginative and original.

CandyEmms: This book is nicely written.It creates a vivid image of what's happening in the story.The plot,the story,I think is fantastic and it grips you so that you want to read it further.It's the story of a tom-boyish girl who decides to do a secret exchange and go to a boys' boarding school instead of ...

William Elliott Kern: John, first congratulations on submitting one of the best written and most creative stories of the civil war period...........This story takes place in the 1860's with an abusive Father against his new horse, later a rough patch with his Daughter Elizabeth. The war of words between the Father an...

William Elliott Kern: Interesting Story, with Jacob, the second Son of Baron Ironwood to learn his duties, provide his numbers and prepare for marriage to Anna......Along the way, the wise Monk, Francis came to Ironwood, filled the ears of Jacob with hope and positive direction, a gift for Jacob well needed. The Stor...

larry: I’ m not a professional book reviewer, but this is a good one! I liked it enough to read it non stop!

lailachupp04: THIS NEEDS TO BE PUBLISHED I MUST MUST MUST SHOW THIS BOOK TO EVERYONE I KNOW!!!!!!I WANT TO HAVE A COPY OF IT SO BAD!!! your book was amazing and so interesting especially describing Maggie's life it reminds me of my life

tinaasante871: when Max first got introduced to the story I was like#where the hell is sara#...lol... I loved every minute of reading this book... it was fantastic although I would have loved to read more about Sara and Allie's wedding.....Anyways I hope u have more of these books installed for us because you'v...

More Recommendations

Jason Phang: I'm pretty new to Inkitt (this is only my 4th book) and I must say I've been thoroughly impressed by the quality of the authors here. Remnants of Chaos is an excellently written book that hooks the reader, and doesn't let go. There are some grammatical and typographical errors, but nothing too se...

debmart6901: I could not put this story down. I stayed up reading when I should have been in bed. could not get enough, could not wait to find how it ended. Great story telling. Great detail. Loved it. The characters were very vivid.

Muhammed Arfin: really nice.I m reading novel after a long time.it is really fascinating.those people interested in espionage will like this tale.if one needs to advance his know how about espionage this book is your destination

deee_ro: Read this book in a couple of sittings and have kept it!!! Not one to read books again, but the story, the atmosphere, the descriptions, the humour, all right up my Blackpool street. Very cleverly written, sets the scene from the start, love how you get to really know the characters, must've look...

thePeeJ: aced it boiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii...

{{ contest.story_page_sticky_bar_text }} Be the first to recommend this story.

About Us:

Inkitt is the world’s first reader-powered book publisher, offering an online community for talented authors and book lovers. Write captivating stories, read enchanting novels, and we’ll publish the books you love the most based on crowd wisdom.