Get Free Copy

100 free copies left

This novel is limited to 100 free copies due to its part in Inkitt’s Novel Contest.

0
Free copy left
You can read our best books
#gazzomit would love your feedback! Got a few minutes to write a review?
Write a Review

Caillou Has Ball Cancer: Acts One and Two

By #gazzomit

Action / Humor

Chapter 1

CAILLOU HAS BALL CANCER

ACT I:


Rain was pounding.  Click.  Clack.  Click.  Clack.  The ominous clouds’ caterwauls drained the incessant nearby drone of the black teenagers from next door blasting Ace Hood’s “Bugatti” as the city of Montreal snoozed.  It was the first rainfall since the arctic winter that left those political naysayers screaming about global warming being a hoax.  Other than those cornrowed bastard children, everyone was sound asleep.


But Caillou, now 10 and awaiting his evening chemotherapy treatment, is sobbing as hard as it was raining.  To his mother, now a stripper at joint, Le Cat House, just coming home from work, he cried. “Mommy! My testicles are the size of pool balls! How can I fit them inside Leo’s fudge tunnel?”  


“Caillou, stop being such a whiney nincompoop! Get yourself together!”


Then, Caillou’s dad, turning off his pirated Christmas with Colonel Sanders album screamed, “Caillou! You’re making it hard for me to fap to this Playgirl!”


“Play….what!?” Caillou’s mom screeched.


“Oh shit, nevermind.  I’ll be off at GRS…I mean uh…My ten o’clock shift at the Outback Steakhouse!”


“Wait! You aren’t gonna give me a ki--”


“BYE!”


Caillou and his mom then did some knitting and making their favorite night time snack: Scrambled eggs mixed with assorted contraband.  After his mom went to sleep, Caillou got a phone call.


“Oh no! Who’s calling me?!” Caillou whispered.  “Who could this be?”


Caillou did not have caller ID at the time, so he took his chances by answering the phone.  


“Hi.  Are you Caillou?”


“Uh-huh.”


“I’m Michael Jordan.  I would like to--”


“That annoying black boy from down the street? Yeah, I...”


“Whaddafuck are you saying!? I go Space Jam all over you till yo ass can’t-- Sorry about that.  I’m really sorry.  But congratulations! You have been selected in a raffle of cancer patients to meet me.”


“YAY! I LOVE YOU!”


“Okay, you didn’t have to get all homosexual on me there but yeah! I’ll give you directions man.”


“YAY! I WUV SPACE JAM! MOMMY! GILBERT!”


Caillou’s mom woke up.  “Caillou, come here.  Caillou, when we said that Gilbert was gone.”


“Someone else has him?”


“No, Caillou, you know how Rosie died? Gilbert was killed in that giant fire too.  I’m really sorry!”


Caillou was in shock.  “No.  No.  NOOOO!!!!!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” Caillou started pelting his toy cars across the room until his mom intervened.


“No Caillou, it’s okay.  Need a hug Caillou?”


“NO! WAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAA--”


“Caillou.  You know that things like this happen.  I know it’s tough, but you can get through this.  I remember when my mother died.  She died after a crude implant procedure.  We had tickets to see Jersey Boys, and I had to watch the three dudes engage in oral after my mom choked on some foie gras.  It’s okay Caillou.  I love you.  I always will my baby boy.”


“I love you mommy!” Caillou and his mom embraced each other passionately like a non-incestuous jerk circle.  With two peop--


KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK


Caillou’s mom was mad.  “Who’s there? This better be my hubby!”


“Caillou De Salle? Come here, it’s Michael Jordan! I think I’ll pick you up instead of making you guys drive like twenty minutes.”


Caillou bolted down the stairs without hesitation.  Caillou opened the door.


“Caillou De Salle and whatever your mom’s name is, it doesn’t fucking mention it in the serie--”


Another cop slapped him.  “You are both under arrest!”


“What for?” Caillou’s mom demanded.


“Well here in Canada, we don’t give a shit about you letting your son drive, so we’ll book you at $1,000 bail, but we do care that your son killed Jaclyn Linetsky on the way to his doctor’s appointment, the voice of you on your show Caillou.  We also looked in your car and found the imprint of two large testicles, and the soundtrack to Space Jam!”


“Caillou,” his mom said, “is this true?”


“WAAAAAH!!! WAAAAAH!!! YES!!!”


“Alright, take him away boys!”


“NOOOOOO!!!! MOMMMMMMYYYY!!!!! FUCKING PIGS!!!!”


Caillou bitchslapped the cops immensely hard, and as they were lying on the floor, he pulled down his pants, took his radiating boner and engulfed the cops in carcinogenic semen.


SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS


“Oh, no.  Jacques! There’s fat on me balls! THERE’S FAT ON ME BALLS!”


“SHUT UP! IT’S CALLED CANCER.  AND IT’S NOT CONTAG…..ious?”


SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS


“OH SHIT!!!! THERE ARE MOTHERFUCKING RADIO WAVES RADIATING THROUGH MY RADIATING DICK OF RADI-FUCKING-ATION!!!!”


Both cops fell to the floor.  “AAAAHHHHAAAAHHHHDICKTOASTAAAAHHHHAAAHHHAAAHHH!!!!!”


Caillou sobbed and sobbed as he bolted down his suburban street.  He thought he could hear Jaclyn Linetsky singing Frère Jacques in such a sweet, high pitched French voice.  As Caillou passed by the local Couche-Tard, the black kids, sipping on creamsicles screamed “Yo, this kid’s a crunk wigga goin ham on the po po!”

The other members of the gang exclaimed, “YEAH!!! Let’s hit ‘em up to join our gang!”


“WE’LL SEE ABOUT THAT!” Caillou’s streaking father said.


Continue Reading Next Chapter
Chapters
1. Chapter 1
Further Recommendations

FateFellShort: I have read this story and have followed the writers on tumblr from the beginning. Its a wonderful story. Beautifully written with a really nice pace, that makes it enjoyable to read more than once. For me, fairy tail has very good characters but what the writers have done is give them more depth...

Warchief: The biggest problem with the Harry Potter series is that it's all from his point of view. So we never really get to see or understand events from other peoples perspective. I think that they would be more than a few people that want to know what happened at Hogwarts during that last year.As far a...

: Nothing like I have ever read. Loved every single bit of it, it had the right amount of romance and humour. I would definitely be re-reading this book. It certainly captivated me, it was so difficult to put this book down.

summerstone: Seriously this is one of the best books I've ever read. The plot is intriguing, I love the narrative style. Its very descriptive and unique, with minimal cliches. It makes for a great read and the sequels are amazing. Totally worth reading. ^^ That's me trying to be professional. But in all hones...

tyleroakleyfan: this was the perfect ending I loved it. thank you so much I enjoy the relationship that Draco and harry have and their children. im glad Vernon learned his lesson. and Dudley as a wizard did not see that coming but it gives him a way to be closer to harry. very good job with this. if you could ch...

thePeeJ: aced it boiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii...

Tiffany Thomson: This story is not something I would normally pick up and read but I'm so glad I did, I wasn't able to put it down and my husband was yelling at me at 3am to put it down and go to bed (just waited for him to doze back off before picking it back up) I really hope Natalie brings out another book eit...

John Smith: This is what Sci Fi is all about. Reads like early Heinlein. In the style of Space Cadets. No esoteric problems..but good ol blaster and space action with a host of relatable characters

Jasmine Chow: As I read this story, I was reminded some what of Terry Pratchett, especially some descriptions of politics and economics. The sci-fic setting is quite intriguing. Writing style is quite lovely and grew on me slowly. I was also slightly reminded of Mark Twain, especially his book A Connecticut Ya...

More Recommendations

Jaslyn: I loved reading this so much!! The transformation of Nina's self-esteem was incredible to read, and while I was rooting for Parker halfway through, I was very satisfied when Harrison and Nina finally got everything straight. The side characters were adorable - I especially loved Anna, Richel, Mic...

Ben Gauger: Kudos to Bryan Laesch, author of Remnants of Chaos:Chaotic Omens for his use of the Gothic style of writing and in addition the footnotes and endnotes at the end of each chapter, a welcome accompaniment to be sure, though his use of grammar could use a little improving, but his use of punctuation...

This story wasn't for you ?
Look at our most viral stories!
Iosaghar

FreakyPoet: "you made me laugh, made me cry, both are hard to do. I spent most of the night reading your story, captivated. This is why you get full stars from me. Thanks for the great story!"

The Cyneweard

Sara Joy Bailey: "Full of depth and life. The plot was thrilling. The author's style flows naturally and the reader can easily slip into the pages of the story. Very well done."

This story wasn't for you ?
Look at our most viral story!
Spectra

Ro-Ange Olson: "Loved it and couldn't put it down. I really hope there is a sequel. Well written and the plot really moves forward."