Every part of me had been shattered a long time ago, when your gaze swept over me with malice and sorrow licking at your pupils like a flame. The fuel that started the fire which bound us together now fueled the fire flickering inside of your eyes. I could hardly find it in myself to care anymore. About you, about us, about anybody, including myself. I suppose that's around the time when I began to long for the cold, yet soothing embrace of death. Perhaps the pain that had wormed its way into my heart would finally go away. Those thoughts were the only ones that resembled happiness, the only thoughts that made me smile a genuine smile. I knew they were twisted. I ignored all of the signs that pointed to me having some sort of mental illness. I was not sick. I was perfectly healthy. I am just...different.
I always have been different. My brothers claimed that I was too different from them. I was too weak, too small, too innocent. They began to throw rocks and shoot arrows at me. I adapted to that, my personality changing from the innocent little boy that once was to the irritable, harsh man I am now. And even now that they have changed, I still cannot find a single ounce of trust stored in a single fiber of my soul. Not only my brothers, but also other nations claiming that I was the black sheep of Europe. That I had too thick eyebrows, horrible cooking skills, and a temper to match. I was tired of screaming insults back at them. What was the point, if they were all true? Maybe if I just kept my mouth shut they would notice something was wrong...but there is nothing wrong. I know there is nothing wrong.
Am I trying to tell myself a lie? Is there really something wrong with me? Of course there's something wrong with me. I'm a horrible person. Why am I even alive anymore? I am confused as to why I even care about anything anymore. Maybe I should just let everything go. That includes you as well. That includes the man with wavy blonde hair, blue eyes, and the accent that I had always claimed I hated but secretly adored...
I am jolted out of my thoughts by a hand on my shoulder. The wetness on my cheeks alarms me, and as my fingers trail down my cheeks, I can feel the smile that had formed on my lips fading rapidly. I twist my head upward, aware of different nations' gazes piercing my soul as I slowly stand. My lips twitch downwards, and I can feel the prickling in my eyes. Of course. I screwed up again. I always do everything wrong, don't I?
"I..." My voice trails off, and my throat begins to feel uncomfortably tight. What was I supposed to do? What am I supposed to say? "If you all will excuse me... I ..." My face crumples briefly. I shut my eyes and take a deep breath, feeling a few more tears licking at my cheeks. My emotions are out of control. I need a moment to calm down. "I need to head to the...erm...restroom. For a quick moment. Excuse me."
I am shoving back my chair, a loud scraping sound emerging, but I don't check to see if I had actually scratched the floor. Instead I begin to hurry to the meeting room door. Or I would have, if the hand that had rested briefly on my shoulder didn't suddenly grab the back of suit. I was spun around to meet the shade of blue that I needed so desperately, and yet I knew I could never grasp again. You stared at me, concern flickering in the depths of bright cerulean.
I have been called unbreakable by many other countries. However, when I meet your gaze now, I was aware of myself breaking a million times over. I knew I could never have you, never be with you, never be yours. Not after I succeeded in taking one of the people you cared for almost as much, if not more, than me. I could not blame you; little Canada was and still is a precious gift. Now my gaze flickers over to where the forgotten nation sat, clutching a polar bear to his chest as if it was his lifeline. You follow my gaze and frown, as if you are trying to piece together a difficult puzzle. I suppose I am rather difficult, are I not?
"Angleterre?" You whisper. All I can do is wish that I could wake up every morning to hear that voice whispering gentle words of love and passion in my ear. I shake my head weakly, suddenly feeling exhausted.
Perhaps the other nations are correct in their hypothesis. I am unbreakable because I had broken long ago. However, every time I was nearby you, I shattered into tiny pieces over and over and over again.
"I am sorry." Is all I manage to say before I am yanking myself from your grasp, stumbling slightly from the momentum, and racing out of the meeting room. I catch a glimpse of your dismayed face and feel slightly sick.
Perhaps tonight would come and I could receive a kiss from the one that I longed for just as much as you.
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