I Am Both

1: Aptitude Test

I put the finishing touches of my makeup and look at myself in the mirror. I don't usually wear this much makeup, but today is a special day. Today is the day when I find out which faction I belong in. Like I need any help figuring that out. I belong in Erudite like I have all my life. I want to become a teacher because I find teaching something fun to do.

I see that some strands of hair are out of place so I fix it quickly by getting a pin. My dark brown hair is in a neatly fixed bun. My brown eyes stand out now that I have eyeliner and mascara on me. I don't really look that much like my mother, actually. Practically all my looks came from my father.

"Honey, it is time to go!" My mother calls on me. I get out of my bathroom, which I've been locked inside of the past hour or so, and walk down the stair to see my mother waiting for me.

"Cloette, you look absolutely beautiful," She says once I reach the bottom step.

She motions me to follow her out of our apartment and into the lift. Because we live on the top floor at the Erudite apartment building, the ride in the lift takes a really long time.

My mind keeps drifting off to my Aptitude test. Even though I know I belong in Erudite, I can't help but feel nervous. I don't know what the test will be like. Will I get the choice of killing someone? Do I get to choose what subject I like the most? More and more questions popped up in my head, but they just kept getting more stupid and stupid.

The car outside the building is very luxurious. I shouldn't really say the word 'car'. It is more like a limousine. That's what I get when I am the daughter of a leader.

My mother and I didn't speak that much during the car... Sorry. Limousine ride. She asked me if I was nervous and I answered that I wasn't. That was our entire conversation. I didn't really surprise me. She rarely spends any time with me at home anyway. Leader business, and all.

We say our goodbyes and I wait in line at the Erudite cue. Our cue is right next to Dauntless, but they haven't showed up yet. At the corner of my eye, I could see a Candor pestering an Abnegation about them actually being selfish. I roll my eyes and go back to not caring about them. I might agree with Erudite on a lot of things but Abnegation being selfish is not one of them. I believe that is just a myth, like how Marcus's son switched to Dauntless because Marcus was an abusive father. I would like some evidence before I jump to conclusions.

Behind me, I hear the train with the Dauntless approaching us. The Dauntless jump out of the train like it is nothing and sprint to the doors where they would be going inside later on. I might belong in Erudite, but I've always admired Dauntless bravery. Protecting the city; both from Factionless and the unknown dangers beyond the wall.

It is time for my test. I wander inside the room to see an Abnegation woman sitting by, what looks like, a chair from a dentist. She is typing something in the computer.

"You're Cloette Matthews?" She asks with a soft voice, not letting go of her stare on the computer. I now know why she wouldn't look at me. The wall next to me is covered in a huge mirror. Abnegation is only allowed to look into a mirror once every three months because, they believe, it is an act of self-indulgence.

I nod my head, then I realize she can't see me.

"Yes, I am," I say.

I sit down on the chair and I get a better look at her. She has long, ginger, graying hair which is in a ponytail. Abnegation never let their hair out in public. That Abnegation has too many rules for my liking. Her gray dress barely above her feet and a gray coat over it.

She hands me a cup with a blue liquid inside it. I look up at her to see her looking at me. Her face has some wrinkles, but she still looks very pretty.

"What is this?" I ask her.

"Drink it" She responds with a kind smile.

I hesitate before drinking it all up at once. I feel dizzy as I feel the simulation surrounding me.

I am still in my chair, but everything else in the room is gone. I see that the mirror on my right is still there. I get up from the chair and walk over to it. My hand touches the mirror, expecting it to break, but it doesn't. 'This is pointless' I think and walk away from the mirror. That is when I see that every wall in the room is covered in mirrors. I turn around again and see endless reflections of myself.

Turning around again I see two tables in the middle of the room. They are holding two different items on them. One has cheese on it, the other has a knife.

"Choose," a voice tells me. I recognize it as my mother.

"Why?" I respond. I want to know why I need to choose before I do.

"Choose" the voice repeats itself. I do not choose and instead cross my arms.

"No. Tell me why first" I say.

A bark came from behind me. I direct my body to the noise and see a vicious dog a few feet away from me. I look behind me to see the tables have disappeared. 'Great.'

I have to act quickly. I can't run away from it because we are in a room without doors or windows. I've got nothing to defend myself with. The dog paces closer to me and sooner or later it will attack. I scan it and see a necklace around its neck. If it's got a necklace it probably has an owner. If it has an owner it probably knows some tricks.

The dog started into a sprint. I think fast.

"Sit!" I yell at it. My eyes are closed, ready for impact. But nothing happens. My eyelids open and I see, not a fully grown dog which I saw before, but a puppy sitting down in front of me. I can't help myself. I go down on my knees and pet it. I've always admired puppies.

"Puppy!" I hear from my side. I look to see myself, but as an eight-year-old child. The dog is now growling at the young version of me and I can see myself getting scared.

"No." I tell the dog, but it doesn't listen. The dog starts to chase young me, but I chase after the dog. I am faster than the dog, which surprises me, and I jump on top of it to stop it. Both I and the dog gets swallowed by the ground and all I see is darkness.

I wake up with a start. It feels like I've run a marathon because I am breathing heavily. On the side, I can see the Abnegation woman frantically typing something on the computer screen.

"This is not good." I can hear her muttering under her breath.

"What is not good? What is wrong?" I ask.

"Your result. It's..." She stops typing and grabs my arm. She pulls me to the door, ready to push me outside, but I wasn't satisfied.

"What is my result? I want to know!" I tell her, not letting her push me away.

"Your result was..." She is hesitating. That is never good.

"Erudite" I let out a sigh. That is good news. Why did she act so scared of it? Was it a prank? Or was it that she hoped that I would become Abnegation?

"And Dauntless" I look into her eyes. It holds seriousness and fear.

"What?" I ask, which came out more as a whisper.

"Your result was Erudite and Dauntless. I put in Erudite manually for you, but I believe it won't be a safe faction for you. If you want, I could..."

"Just shut up!" I yell at her. This is too much. I can't be Divergent. I just can't.

"I am sorry, but the test told me that."

"The test is supposed to tell me where I belong! This doesn't help my decision at all!" I am practically panicking right now. I don't want to be Divergent. They are a plague to our system! I want to be the cure, not the disease!

"Go home and rest. Remember that both Erudite and Dauntless doesn't think very highly of Divergent. You will be in danger in both of those factions." I scoff at her. I already know what they do to people like them. People like me. Kill us and pretend that it was an accident. I don't want that to happen to me.

"Do not tell anyone of this. Not even your mother. Understand?" She tells me. I've never kept a secret from my mother before. But I will be much safer if I keep this as a secret. I nod at her and go outside. I then realize something.

"Wait!" I say before she has the chance to close the door.

"What is your name?" I ask her. She smiles at me in return.

"Fiona. You don't need to know that much about me." Typical Abnegation. Her aptitude result was clearly not Divergent. She is too much Abnegation.

Stepping into my bedroom late in the afternoon, I throw myself onto my bed. This has been a very stressful day. Finding out that I am Divergent could be the biggest catastrophe of my whole life. I've been taught to hate and despise Divergent. I do not want to despise myself. I am so conflicted.

I scan my bedroom. The royal blue walls surrounding my room. The black desk where I do my homework every day. My big, white, comfortable bed which I am laying on right now. This will be the last night I will sleep in it. Even though if I choose Erudite, I won't be moving in with my mother. Wait, did I just think if I chose Erudite? I will choose Erudite. I choose Erudite over 10 years ago. A stupid result shouldn't change my decision. But I can't help but wonder what life in Dauntless would be like. They are so fearless, but I can't tell if they are fearless or just idiotic sometimes. That is definitely something someone with both Erudite and Dauntless, as a result, would say. But I am not cut out to be Dauntless. They train every day, but I've got no muscles at all. I would be kicked out in less than a day if I choose Dauntless.

I do not speak to mom during the dinner. She must think that I am nervous for tomorrow or she just doesn't want to speak to me.

Before I go to bed, she stops me and pulls me in for a hug. This is something she has never done before. I hesitate before pulling my arms around her as well.

"Whatever you choose tomorrow, remember that I will always be your mother" she whispers in my ear.

I should whisper back 'I promise' but I don't. Instead, I push myself slowly out of her grip and say "Faction before blood" in a quiet voice. I don't get to see her facial expression before closing my bedroom door. I lean back on it and slide down on the ground. My mothers heel clicks away from my bedroom and she walks into her own. Tear start to stream down my face and I bury my face in my hands. I practically just said 'I won't choose Erudite tomorrow'.

I don't know what I am anymore. Am I intelligent or am I brave? Erudite or Dauntless? I want to scream because these questions are hurting my head. I can't do it. I just can't.

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