Here I Go
AUTHOR'S NOTE: The song is from the new Broadway musical If/Then. Song credit: Brian Yorkey and Tom Kitt.
I'm not one for fortunes
Or wishing on a star
And I've studied all the stories
And what our chances are
Then my heart starts beating faster
And it makes this disaster worst by far
Kate Beckett doesn't believe in the supernatural - ghosts, zombies, the walking dead. For her, it's just fantasy. She likes magic. Her grandfather used to do magic tricks for her enjoyment. But her partner, Rick Castle, does. Anyway, what doesn't that man believe in? He practically believes in everything. She studies the evidences for proof and they often point out who a suspect is. Castle, on the other hand, spins theories, theories that are out of this world. But he was almost always right. And she can't help but feel relieved. Is it really relief or is it because she's falling for him? When the thought crosses her mind, she shakes her head - like it would throw that thought away.
It's a disaster, she thought.
Subconsciously, she thinks it's a beautiful disaster.
Now I know all the motions
The steps to every dance
And I count cards at the table
I never bet on chance
I leave nothing to the gods
I know all the odds and even so
They are doing some kind of dance. Beckett knows all the steps. So does Castle. But no one wants to take a chance. Even their friends are noticing the attraction. Ryan and Espo call them "mum and dad". They know the two call them that. Kyra Blaine, Castle's ex at whose wedding they attended, even gave him to her. They finish each other's sentences. They have one mind. They think of the same thing. One mind, one soul. Kate knows that they can dive in this together. But is she ready?
You're not some romantic
You know, that's no surprise
You're no good at small talk
Or little, loving lies
He's pulling away. Beckett noticed that. It's not about the case. She wondered why. It hurts her to see him pulling away. What had she done to make him act this way? Oh no, the interrogation with the bombing suspect. He was probably in the observation room next door. He heard.
I'm foolish, Beckett thought. I never should have kept it a secret.
I'm awkward, ungrateful
And sometimes I'm hateful, as you know
She's angry. He lied to her and he had the gall to tell her that she, too, lied to him. It's true but he had overstepped. It's her life, not his. If they want a war, she'll bring them a war.
Like Magneto, she thought. Castle likes those kind of superhero films.
At the thought of his name, she became angrier.
Ugh, she thought, her face on her hands. I hate him. I hate him. He brought me this when he knew what would happen to me if I continue.
No, another voice in her head said. You are angry because he's right. You love him. And you're ready.
You know deep down, I'm a coward
Afraid to let you in
But the only thing more frightening
Is to say "What might have been?"
Hanging on the edge of that building made her so scared. Beckett thought she was so brave, fighting Maddox alone. Instead she realised it was cowardice. And she thought of just one name.
The downpour that night led her to the swings where, not so long ago, she and Castle were talking about tearing down her wall.
She kept on walking in the rain and she realised she was in front of Castle's building. She walked through the entrance and rode the elevator to his floor. She tried calling him but he rejected it. When she knocked on his door, surprise was on his face and then it turned into frustration. He was mad at her, too.
"Beckett, what do you want?" he had asked.
Here I go, she thought. "You."
Kate doesn't regret her actions on that day. Because thinking about everything they have been through, the misery she put him through, it all led to that night. That night when she finally opened up to him.
She often wondered what might have happened if she told him that she wanted him that day he hooked up with Gina, again. The thought scares her because today might not be what it is. They wove their own fairy tale.
"Mrs Castle?" Rick said, his broad arms wrapping around Kate's waist. "Lost in your thoughts again?"
She wrapped her arms around his. "Uh-hm."
She put her head on his chest and he kissed the top of her head.
"Enjoying the view, too, I presume."
Beckett laughed. "Yeah."
They stayed in that position in silence for a few minutes, lost in the view of the beach in their room at Maldives.
"You're not asking what I was thinking."
"I wanted to but somehow, I also don't want to. I'll let you have this one."
Kate sighed. "That rainy night, I told myself to let it go. Here I go, I want you, I love you."
Castle turned her around gently. "That's it?"
"Yes," Beckett chuckled. "That's it."
Rick smiled and hugged her tight. "You really are extraordinary."
"I love you," she said, hugging him back.
"I love you, too," he replied.
He kissed her on the lips.
"Let's get dressed and walk on the sand. We can make sandcastles."
Beckett giggled and went to the bathroom to change.
So here I go
Oh, here I go
And I love you so
So here I go
Oh here I go