When she comes knocking in my mind I want to scream. The echos of her twisted laugh reverberate around my mind. She forces me to watch as every single one of my friends, my family are turned to dust by her hands, my hands. I want to be sick, but I can't. I want to run, but I can't. I want to erase the gritty feeling of dust on my skin, but I can't. It's forever etched in my mind.
"Do you really hate me that much?" She asks as she melts into the ground.
"I believed in you" He says as his head hits the floor.
"This world will live on…" She shouts as she crumbles at my feet.
They all fall at my feet. One by one.
"Do you want to have a bad time?" He asks. Eyes ablaze.
"Papyrus, do you want anything?" He asks. But no one came.
I killed them all.
All of them dead because of me.
I'm to blame.
I awake with a gasp. Tears stream down my face and I muffle my sobs with my pillow, and yet it's a suffocating kind of cry, one that's been pent up for too long, one that tries to choke you for your sins. I can feel my sins crawling on my back. It's like there are millions of spiders rushing up my spine, threatening to drown me. It's what I deserve.
I scramble around in the dark and knock on the light. I heave large, heavy, tearless sobs. I calm myself enough to do what I have to do. I open the draw and received my instrument of choice. I stand and walk out my door, silently, to avoid awakening any of my adoptive family. They can't know. I am doing this as reprieve for my mistakes. Staying alive was a mistake. They can't know.
I quietly open the bathroom door and slip in, shutting it behind me. I flick on the light and sit on the floor. I stare at the knife in my hand. Once upon a time this had killed so many of them. It seemed fitting that I would go the same way. At Her hands. Fate coercing me, Depression pushing my hand, Anxiety raising it and Hope dragging it in one foul swoop. Deep crimson stains. I can't find it in me to stop. She tells me to keep going. She holds my shoulder, wipes my tears, guides the knife, until there's not much more left to give Her. When I go lax I expect the cold reality of the tiles floor, but instead I received the soft fabric of a friend's lap. I don't register the warm splashes of blue tears on my face or the soothing hushes of someone who understands. I am focused on the red pupiless eyes and crimson dripping smile. It fades into the obsidian black that embraces me. Reset? I will not reset.
When I come to, it's to a blinding white light. My eyes blur and I can't make out the face of the guardian angel beside me. Perhaps I am dead and gone to heaven? No, only innocent people go to heaven and I have killed so many, enjoyed in their anguish. I am by no means innocent.
"You'll be dead where you stand"
Yes. I will be.
"Do you want to have a bad time?"
No. I don't deserve even that.
"Do you want anything?"
No. It's not me you're talking to.
Poof, swish, gone.
I sleep again.
I come to again. I am more awake this time and the assault of senses attack me. I recognise the face of the guardian angel. It's my friend. It's him. With his ever present smile and blue jacket. What did I do to have him save me. How has he forgiven me?
I open my mouth to speak. To wake the sleeping man beside me. I find that I cannot. The deep set sadness gluing my throat shut.
"W-a-ahh-tahh?" I draw out. Not much more than a mumble but it is enough to wake the slumbering man. He wakes with a start and appears disorientated but understands the order and fulfills it quickly. Once he has received the water, he passes it to me and I gladly gulp it down. He sits once more and fixed his gaze on me
"You've been busy" He says
No. It's not me. But it is. It always has been and I have enjoyed it.
Poof, swish, gone.
"It's m-my fault" I squeak out. I don't normally talk and my voice is hoarse. But I can't move my hands. He nods and asks again.
"It's a beautiful day outside."
When I don't respond he pushes for an answer.
"The sun is shining,"
I still don't reply and he grows impatient.
"Flowers are blooming"
I continue my silence.
"The birds are singing,"
"And on days like these"
"Kids like you"
"Should be burning in hell"
"Poof, swish, gone, gone, gone" I muster up before the tears start to fall.
I leap forwards and cling to him. I cling to him as the tears fall and my sobs fill up my throat. My head spins and I feel empty. They keep coming. I am far too reminded of a time when I gave up. Accepted his embrace. He betrayed me, like I had him. But I did not care to think such thoughts, only thinking of the small pats on the back and the deep rumble of his voice roll through his ribcage. My tears are spent. I lay lax on him and he does not move. He tilts my head to face him.
"Dirty brother killer"
No. Yes. No.
I look up at him and he repeats himself.
I am confused.
I continue to look at him.
"No. It was not you. No. You are not to blame. No. You do not deserve this."
"We could have been friend"
She smiles at him.
No. We are friends.
"You should have talked to me.
Poof, swish, gone.
"We would have helped you."
"Are you ready?"
No. Stop. Please.
She still smiles.
"We would understand."
"Guess that's it, huh?"
Blood. Blood everywhere.
"We would have been there for you."
"Don't say I didn't warn you."
"I would have taken care of you."
"Papyrus, do you want anything?"
But no one came.
Poof, swish, gone.
"No!" I scream out. He looks taken aback.
"No." I cover my ears.
She's not here. She's not here.
He takes me in his arms again.
"I am here."
I am here.