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TV Comes to The Forest

By Nikono

Fantasy / Humor

Cat VS Food

"So…what is this again?" Fireheart gestured over to a large bulky box with a screen that sat in front of him.

"This is a TV." Bluestar said as she glanced over at it. She placed her tail on top. The group of cats gathered around her stared at her as if she had gone mad.

"Can we eat it?" Graystripe raised his paw.

"What are you- no!" Bluestar lowered her ears in anger as she frowned. "Does this look like something you could put in your mouth?"

Graystripe shrugged. "I don't know. I'm willing to try anything. I'm a curious cat." He waved his gray tail back and forth as he stretched his paws in front of him as he began to lay down.

"Where did you even get something like this?" Tigerclaw demanded. He lashed his tail.

"I found it this morning when I got up. It was sitting in the middle of the clearing." Bluestar explained.

"What if a Twoleg put that there?"


Tigerclaw interrupted again. "Honestly, Bluestar! Use your head!"

"How would a Twoleg get in here?" Graystripe glanced at the angry Tigerclaw.

"They can just walk in here! All they have to do is get a large enough stick and threaten to hit us with it! Cats aren't going to do anything! We are tiny! Well, I'm not, but you are tiny! All of you!"

"Get out of here!" Bluestar snarled at Tigerclaw. "Or so help me God I will come down on you and tear your soul apart!" She banged her paw on a rock in anger.

"Whatever." Tigerclaw complied with Bluster's wishes and left the group of cats, muttering in anger.

"What are we going to do with it?" Fireheart began, glancing back at Tigerclaw.

"I don't know." The she-cat said in a hostile tone. "I'm bored. I've had a hard life. Many bad things keep happening to us. We need something to take our minds off of…" Bluestar waved her paw around in the air. "…This. So that's why I'm giving you all 24 hours to make TV programs."

"What's an hour?" This was from Graystripe again.

"I don't know."

"Well, what's a program?"

"I don't know."

"For someone to be using these words, you sure don't know about any of them."

"I have divine connections to StarClan and…and…I will demote you if you keep questioning me in such matters!" Bluestar then stalked off with frustration back to her den.

Sandstorm looked at the TV once more. "All righty then."

Cat Vs Food

Longtail: I'm here in… (Turns towards camera in confusion) where am I?

Yellowfang: I don't know. We're in the city somewhere…moron.

Longtail: (ignoring Yellowfang) Okay. Well we're in…wherever we are…and I am going to try to eat The Omega Mega Super Ultra Supreme Quadruple Triple-Triple Double Intergalactic Patty Patty—

Yellowfang: What kind of name is that?! (Glaring at Longtail) is that even food?!

Longtail (angry) Yes! (Normal) Anyway, that…food…is a 300 pound hamburger with type 2 diabetes. It consists of 40 90 pound all-beef patties, grilled inside of an underground volcano made of dirt and grass, 55 slices of cheese made by tiny fire ants who absolutely LOVE Rihanna, pickles, that were deep fried 32-and-a-half times, and four angry Whopper buns where are quite angry that they are not doing their normal jobs for normal Whoppers.

Yellowfang: Don't do this! You're gonna kill yourself! And I am not dragging you back to Cinderpelt's den if- no- WHEN you fall out from a heart attack.

Longtail: Oh, stop being a spoil sport. This is fun (into the camera) and this…is Cat Vs Food.

[Screen changes to beginning title sequence of a light and dark brown background with yellow words saying CAT VS FOOD]

Restaurant Owner: All right, Longtail. You have 10 minutes to complete this challenge. (Holds up hand to silence the cheering crowd of humans and cats around him) That's right. You have 10 whole minutes to eat this 300 pound hamburger. 1,000,000 have tried, 999,999 have failed.

Longtail: Who was the one person who didn't?

Restaurant Owner: Adam Richman, who did a similar thing to what you're doing.

Longtail: Why'd he stop?

Restaurant Owner: Oh, something about health problems (shooing the thought away from his head) Anyway, aren't you making fun of him by doing this?

Longtail: I prefer the word "parody".

Restaurant Owner: Huh. All right. Anyway, if you win, which the odds aren't in your favor so there's no chance in HELL about that, you get a T-Shirt and your name on the Wall of Moronic Behavior.

Longtail: (Scratches head with left arm) Huh. Don't you think there should be a better prize for me attempting a challenge that could kill me?

Yellowfang: So you admit it!

Restaurant Owner: Eh, so little people attempt this on a daily basis I've just never put any actual thought, time, or consideration in any sort of prize. I figure, "Hey, you're being a total idiot right now for attempting to consume as many calories in one setting that most people never consume in a month that you deserve a sucky prize".

Longtail: But you said 1,000,000 people tried this.

Restaurant Owner: 1,000,000 people over a 100,000 year period. I've served Abraham Lincoln, Pocahontas, Katy Perry, Rihanna, Lady Gaga, Ellie Goulding, Nicki Minaj, Beyoncé, Pink, Jessie J, Flo Rida, Zedd, Paramore, Demi Lovato, Carly Rae Jepson, The Black Eyed Peas, Kesha, Ne-Yo, Usher…you know…awesome people.

Longtail: (shrugs, giving little thought into what he's about to do) Okay then!

Restaurant Owner: Time starts…NOW!

(10 seconds later)


Yellowfang: I've already told you, you mindless idiot, that I wasn't going to help you! I've told you repeatedly that I wasn't going to haul your butt back to camp! What the hell is wrong with you?!

Longtail: (on ground) Yellowfang! Language!

Yellowfang: I am a talking cat who fully understand the entire English Language! You know what, (throws camera down. Camera shows Yellowfang's legs walking towards the door) I don't have time for this. I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS! GOOD NIGHT! (Storms out of restaurant)

Longtail lays on the ground, unmoving. Suddenly a transparent figure rises from his body.

Longtail Sprit: Oh, great. Now I'm dead! (Gets horrible idea in his head as he smiles and reaches down to pick up the camera) We will now return to Cat Sprit Vs Food, the only show where the host can keep eating whatever the f*** he pleases without having to worry about any side-effects!

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