Get Free Copy

100 free copies left

This novel is limited to 100 free copies due to its part in Inkitt’s Novel Contest.

0
Free copies left
You can choose from our best books below
CarlScott would love your feedback! Got a few minutes to write a review?
Write a Review

Diary of a Shitty Kid

By CarlScott

Children / Humor

Tuesday, 5 July 2013

Today was one of my first days at school. In fact, it was my second.

Being Tuesday, I had decided to wear my best clown outfit, complete with giant multicoloured afro-wig and enormous shoes.

To no-one’s real surprise, it went down a treat, impressing and astounding people and adults alike, sometimes at the same time. I laughed with pleasure and did a little dance.

Still, there was a dark side to this pleasant sounding occasion. I had pleaded with my overbearing parents to let me wear this attractive costume the day before (Monday), but they had refused outright, mainly because Monday was spandex day.

As a result of this, I screamed at them for six hours to no avail, except for them buying me an X-Box. Sometimes I felt as though I was a prisoner in a concentration camp, except instead of Jews, I was surrounded by uncaring adults. I hate adults. Especially Môn fuehrer (German for ‘my father’ I believe, LOL ).

I was greeted at school by a fat child who punched me in the stomach. I thanked him and pinched my large red nose for comedy effect.

‘Ha ha ha’ I laughed joyfully, amused by the pleasant honking sound that emanated from my nose.

The fat child, also amused, punched me in the face, dislocating my jaw.

After that experience, it was time for Maths and English class. As my school was small and particularly inept, it had condensed maths and English into the one class and taught both simultaneously in order to save time and resources.

I must admit, this did strike me as the ideal way to teach both of these fine subjects.

I settled into another child’s seat, forcing him to fall off the other side of the chair. This is my seat, mother f**ker! I laughed at him uncontrollably.

I opened my textbook and pondered the first question:

If Shakespeare had eight apples, and ingested all but one of them while writing one of his popular space operas, how many apples would he NOT have left?

It was a good one. I pondered it for the next twenty minutes while the teacher talked about something else.

Suddenly the answer came to me! ‘Twelve!’ I screamed out, immensely proud of my quick thought process.

Most of the class turned to me, both startled and probably impressed. No doubt challenged by my intelligence, the teacher barked some instructions at me and pointed towards the door. I purposely stopped listening and began concentrating on the next problem:

If you had to recommend three classics of modern literature to an isosceles triangle, what would you suggest?

This was an easy one, and let’s face it, it’s the kind of question that has no incorrect answers.

I was a big fan of the animated children’s film Cars so I wrote that down.

Next I wrote Twilight because it’s my favourite time of day. I followed that up with Tolstoy’s War and Peace.

‘I've finished!’ I exclaimed and shot my hand straight up in the air.

‘Finished what?’ questioned the teacher, clearly an idiot.

I ran out of the classroom, laughing hysterically.

Next up was Science Physical Education class. These were two subjects that combined nicely, especially seeing as the human body was essentially science anyway.

I took off my clown outfit and the rest of my clothes and strode proudly into the laboratory where my contemporaries were busily lifting weights and recording things on notepads which dangled from straps around their necks.

‘I'm here for the physical education science class.’ I announced. Some of the girls screamed, but most of them pointed and laughed. Encouraged by the display of laughter I began to perform some of my patented dance moves, including the hedgetrimmer, the bending down-stretch-pull and the walking man.

This was fun for a while, but eventually I got bored and left. There has to be something fun to do around here!

It turned out there wasn't so I went home to harass my parents.

‘Hey mom,’ I said in an American accent as I strode purposely through the front door.

‘What in the Jackson Five are you doing home?’ She squealed.

Rather than answer that question, I plomped myself down in a chair and switched on the television set, turning it up as loud as it would go to drown out the sound of my mother. After four hours of this I fell asleep.

What will happen tomorrow in the Diary of a Shitty Kid? Find out tomorrow.


Continue Reading Next Chapter
Further Recommendations

givemeabook1: Love it. I want to promote your Inkitt book for free to my list of newsletter subscribers. If that is ok with you then please email me at exzordersplrwso AT gmail.com to book your spot, thanks (please don’t comment here I don’t read comments).

Meri Amber: The plot is creative, fun and addictive! The writing is superb and the characters are really well put together. Definitely highly recommeded!

Mark Morris: Just back from a week in Dublin and finished this story in 2 days - very entertaining and an easy, fun read. The plot keeps moving and the various scenarios - divorce, ex husband, job, lovers maintains interest.Hope to read part 2 soon as possible, back in Australia. Well done aiofe 👍

Sabrina Ettey: The story plot is great. I loved it. Just the grammar punctuation and writing style was kind of distracting. But with the smooth polishing, it may shine like a pearl. :)

shemotshalom: I never ever read books,I had a little bit of trouble with it in the beginning,I ship Matt and grace but I liked her better with Cole and I would love to see how that would turn out!I still love this book there could've been more drama and I think the tittle could've tricked anyone thinking that ...

tinaasante871: when Max first got introduced to the story I was like#where the hell is sara#...lol... I loved every minute of reading this book... it was fantastic although I would have loved to read more about Sara and Allie's wedding.....Anyways I hope u have more of these books installed for us because you'v...

T.U. Wrighter: Its rare i come across stories with women relationships and its rather realistic, but at the same time its as a fantasy in terms of a shinning knight and a princess type style. The only thing was I was having some issues at parts with keeping track of who was saying what and who was talking at ti...

Han Alexander: I couldn't stop reading, it really hooked me in I would have loved to have seen more cute moments between Rye and Thera, but that is just because I love the couple so much! it would be interesting to see how their relationship is after the games whether they stay together or whether Ian causes co...

Chak Nastya: awesome story! had me hooked from the start. though i kind of already guessed what was going to happen next it was still a nice story. i have a feeling as if it hasn't been properly finished but i don't know why. but it's your story and you decide when it's over or not

More Recommendations

Jazie Alyssa Flores: There may have been many grammar errors. But OMG this story had me on an emotional rollercoaster ride. I loved every bit of it. The relationship Sydney and Cameron had was beautiful. I loved how it wasn't a typical love story but revolved around a growing friendship and the drama that surrounded ...

mcase: I really enjoyed this story. Felt drawn to Cami as a genuine person. Great characters with funny honest perspective. Many subplots made this continually interesting. I was never bored and thought the overall plot was intriguing. I do wish that some elements had been excluded, such as some extrane...

About Us:

Inkitt is the world’s first reader-powered book publisher, offering an online community for talented authors and book lovers. Write captivating stories, read enchanting novels, and we’ll publish the books you love the most based on crowd wisdom.