Len: Second Chances
The first time was...tragic. I'm not sure if that's the best way to describe it…but that's the best I can come up with. It's like this: before I met you, I was tired. Tired of the week, my job, the constant overtime, the people I had to deal with. I was tired of coming home to an empty apartment and microwave meals. I was tired of my life and all that was entailed within it. It felt empty and grey. Absolutely pointless. Before I met you, I was merely drifting, surviving, but not actually "alive." The day I first met you, it was raining. Pounding heavily against the asphalt, I could only stare for a moment before digging out an old umbrella from the bottom of my bag. Flipping it open, I remember standing there and listening to the drops fall heavily on the material. I'm still not sure why. Maybe…just this once…I'll call it fate. It was then that Rin called. Chattering so brightly from the other side, it was hard not to be jealous of my twin who seemed so much happier than I was. What did she do right? What did I do wrong? I still don't know. I remember crossing the street. The wind picked up and my umbrella flipped inside out. Fighting desperately with the tangle of wires, that was when I first saw you. Well, to be specific, I saw your eyes. They were bright and teal and absolutely perfect and would it be stupid to say that I fell for you on your eyes alone? And then a car hit me. Ramming into my body, pain filled my entire being and I knew, without a doubt, that we were never meant to be. But then your eyes met mine. And as you stared in shock, I couldn't do anything but desperately wish for a second chance.
The second time was bittersweet. I was sitting in the park one day, reading a book. I leaned back to stretch and by chance, I saw you. You were a stranger. Petite with trailing teal colored hair and matching teal eyes to boot, I immediately knew it was you. Or the idea of you. Perhaps the memory? It's hard to explain. But that's not the important part. The important part was that I had to talk to you. I had to, at the very least, know your name. In a weird and overblown sense, it was like…my purpose in life, as pathetic as that sounds. So I watched you. Not in a creeper or stalker like way of course. Just…mindful. Paying more attention to my surroundings, I cataloged all sorts of small tidbits of you, a silent preparation for when I finally did speak to you, it wouldn't be completely awkward…if that makes sense. In some messed up way, I think that was how I fell in love with you. But on that day, well, let's say, that on some level, I don't regret it. If anything, I hate myself for hesitating. I saw you crossing the street, your long teal hair flying wildly in the wind. Struggling with your blazer and briefcase and a piece of bread, you didn't seem to realize that you stepped right into the path of a truck. I'll admit it: I was scared. All I wanted was to know your name. I didn't realize yet that my feelings were one of an idiot in love. But I couldn't let you die. I couldn't! So I figured...I reasoned…..that maybe…my true purpose was never to learn your name. It was to save you. I was meant to save you. So I did. Running after you, my hands shoved against your back and you were warm. As you went flying, I felt a familiar pain that was in no way pleasant and in that moment, I simply hated the world for being so cruel. Fading out, the last thing I saw were your eyes, wide with panic. And even then, you looked beautiful. No. I don't regret it. I could learn your name some other time.
The third time was infuriating. I felt lost. I was looking for something but I didn't know what that something was. I wanted to know something. I was waiting for something. I wanted something. I wanted it so much. But I didn't know what that something was. Nothing felt right. Everything felt out of place, like I was missing a few pieces before I even started. I was weirdly attracted to teal. Teal eyes, teal hair…Rin used to make fun of me by calling it a weird ultra-specific fetish. But it didn't feel that way either. I just…I don't know. I was on the subway with a friend that day. We had messed up our timing. We got packed in with the evening rush. Thrumming with condensed energy, something just clicked. It was you. You were the one I was looking for. You were the one I wanted to know about. You were the one I was waiting for. The one I desired. It was you. Standing at the edge of the platform, your hair was tied up in twin tails and it simply felt so, so, right. I was moving before I knew it. Maneuvering the crowd, all I could see was you. You were so close. With you, everything would finally make sense. Because surely, you were looking for me too, right? I was so close. So painfully close. But then some guy shoved me, the bastard. I fell out too far. The train was coming. You looked so scared. Your fingertips ghosted over mine and I swore that next time, I'd meet you for sure.
The fourth time was a mess. It was all so sudden. I woke up one day and there were flashes of you. Laughing, smiling, drenched by the rain, waiting at the station, crossing the street, eating bread, walking with your friends, sitting at a café, screaming in despair…Just like that, you invaded my head, heart, my entire being and it hurt. It hurt so much. I was hurt because I had managed to forget. But at the same time, I knew, without a doubt, that I was ruined. Absolutely ruined. Because I remembered: I remembered dying and living and dying and living and dying over and over and over again and I knew that from that moment on, I would live my life chasing after you once again, possibility failing, possibly dying and all for nothing. All. For. Nothing. I hated you. I hated you for ruining my life, for destroying my sense of normal, for somehow being able to catch my heart over and over with just a single glance. Did you even know who I was? Storming out my door, angry at the world, myself, at you, I broke out into a run. I ran and I ran and I ran, away from you, away from what my life would inevitably become. And somehow, still, I made it to you. Standing on the rooftop, out of breath, out of mind, I had somehow made my way to you. It wasn't fair. I was so ready to tell you off, to get the fuck out of my life, to stop haunting me. But then I saw you. Really saw you. Standing out the ledge, with your arms spread wide, your eyes looked so broken and I simply couldn't understand. I couldn't believe that you were the girl so hell bent on ruining my life. So I yelled the first thing that came to mind. "WAIT!" And you did. You waited. You eyes met mine, such perfect teal orbs. So fucking beautiful, it simply wasn't fair. Standing there, looking at me, you smiled at me, like a doll barely held together and screamed.
Standing at the edge of the roof, the edge of the world, you screamed with so much pain, so much anguish, tears pouring out of your eyes and it simply wasn't fair. It really wasn't. Wrapping my arms around you, we fell back and you screamed and screamed and there were so many words I had wanted to say to you. So many words. But in the end, I said none of them at all. "Please don't die." I whispered. "I want to know your name." Because goddammit all, I never wished for any of this. I never wanted this for you or for me. All I ever wanted was a second chance. And as much as I hated you for twisting something so innocent into something so horrid, I knew that the truth was something else entirely.
Let's be honest here: the truth is stupid. And annoying. And absolutely irritating. Like many things in life, it makes no sense at all. But that's how it is. Because life is messy and nothing ever goes how it should. So when it comes down to it, my truth is and always will be this: "I love you." Even if death does us part.
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