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By MalfoyMikey

Romance / Humor

Chapter 1

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Ron had been out all evening with Hermione.  The wedding was two weeks away and they were sorting out all the final details. 

He had just arrived back at the flat he shared with Harry.  He would be moving out into the home he bought with Hermione after the wedding.  It was a small thing but they didn’t want to live together until they were married.

Ron was walking past the closed door of Harry’s room when he heard Harry’s shout.  “Ow!  Oh my god, it’s huge!”

He was just about to knock to see what was wrong when another voice stopped him dead in his tracks, his fist halfway to the door.

“Man up Potter, you can handle it.”

Malfoy.  What was Malfoy doing there?  And what in the world were he and Harry up to?  Ron, against his better judgment, pressed his ear against the door.

“No, no I can’t handle it.  Get it out, get it out now!”  Harry sounded frantic.

Malfoy’s response was curt, “Just lie back and think of England.  It will be over soon.”

“Aaaah, but it’s so deep.”

Whoa!  No way was Ron sticking around to listen to any more of this.  If what he thought was going on behind that door was indeed going on behind that door he in no way, shape, or form, wanted to hear any more of it.  Ron was well aware of the fact that Harry preferred the company of men, and he was also well aware of the fact that he was friendly with Malfoy.  But this?  This was just too much.

He quickly made his way to his bedroom where he promptly put on his headphones and turned the volume up all the way blocking out any more sounds from the pair down the hall.

A few days after the Malfoy Incident, as that’s what Ron had taken to calling it in his head, he found himself passing Harry’s closed door once again.  While a closed door wasn’t uncommon it had become something that Ron was not all together comfortable with.  A closed door could mean I’m sleeping, or it could mean I’m getting dressed, or it could mean I’m in here with Draco Malfoy doing things that flat mates absolutely should not eavesdrop on.

While Ron tried moving past as quickly as possible another exclamation drifted out from behind the door.

“Damnit Malfoy!  This is really uncomfortable!”

Oh no.  Here we go again.

“Well what did you expect?  It can’t do its job if it’s all floppy, it has to be stiff.”

“Yeah but it’s so stiff it hurts.”

“No pain, no gain Potter.  Now crouch down so I can do this properly.”

Ron took that as his cue to cut and run.

Ron had done a fabulous job of avoiding Harry’s closed door since MI2 (Malfoy Incident Part 2).  He was always checking the corridor before he walked down it and his headphones had become a constant companion.

Tonight however he was in a rush and needed to grab his wallet from his room, he was due to meet Hermione for dinner.  That’s when it happened.

“It’s so smooth, and warm!”

Malfoy again!  Oh lord.  What now?

“Don’t sound so surprised.  You’ve seen one before haven’t you?”

“Of course I’ve seen one Potter, I have one remember?  But I’ve never seen one so big, it’s enormous!”

“Well don’t be shy then, go on and stroke him.”


“Yes, it’s a boy, and it has a name.  His name is Mr. Johnson.”

“Oh Harry, that’s a horrible name!  How plebian, something this beautiful needs a much better name.”

That was it!  Ron couldn’t take it anymore.  He pounded on Harry’s door.

“Harry James Potter!  You open this door up right this instant.”

The door didn’t open but he did hear their muted voices and lots of shuffling around.  Caught, Ron thought, and trying to get dressed in a hurry.

When the door did open a rather disheveled Harry asked, “Hey Ron, what’s up?”

“What’s up?  That’s what you say?  What’s up?!”

Malfoy started to speak, “Weasly...”

“Quiet Malfoy!”  Ron set his focus on Harry.  “Harry, I thought we were mates.  I thought we told each other everything.  But no, do you come to me and tell me that you’re having Malfoy over to the flat every day?  No.  Do you tell me that not only is he here but you’re having one off with him?  No.  And do you tell me that shagging is taking place right under my nose, in my own home?  NO!  Instead I have to overhear you and this git having sexy time!”

Harry quickly steeled his expression from a giggle to a straight face, “Ron, what exactly did you hear?”

“What did I hear?  Only you complaining how big and deep it was, then I have to hear how stiff it is and that it needs to be that way to get the job done.  And now tonight…Mr. Johnson!!!”

When Ron finished his rant he realized that both Harry and Malfoy were laughing.

“And what the hell is so funny?!”

“Easy Weasly, your face is as red as your hair.”  Malfoy was now doubled-over laughing.  If Ron hadn’t been so upset he might have found the site funny.

“Ron, mate.  Look at me,” Harry was once again stifling his own giggles.  “That thing that was so big and deep?”

“No Harry, I don’t want to actually hear it.”  Ron was emphatically shaking his head.

“Splinter!  Ron, it was a splinter.  These horrible wood floors gave me a splinter; Malfoy was helping me get it out.”

“I don’t believe you.”  Ron was still shaking his head but it had slowed down.

Malfoy, giggles, now gone, joined the conversation, “Believe it, it was like a tree trunk.”

Glaring at Malfoy, Ron challenged him.  “Yeah, well what about the stiff thing?  That surely wasn’t a splinter.”

“It was the collar on my shirt for the wedding.  I don’t want to look like a complete burke at the wedding so Malfoy was helping me with a real bow tie and the starched collar was hurting me.”

Ron was looking skeptically between Harry and Malfoy, “Oh…well…I guess that makes sense.  But there’s no other explanation for telling Malfoy to pet your Mr. Johnson!”

“Well, actually there is.  It was supposed to be a surprise.  A housewarming gift for you and Mione.”

Before Ron could read anything into that Harry turned to Draco, “Draco, can you show Ron Mr. Johnson?”

“No!  I don’t want to see it!!!”  Ron threw his hands over his eyes in an effort to avert the situation.

“Oh calm down Weasly, here he is.”

Something soft and fluffy touched Ron’s arm.  A kneazle.  It was a kneazle.

Harry was grinning at Ron’s comprehension of the conversation he’d obviously overheard, “Go on Ron, hold him, he’s yours.”

“Dear lord!  He’s gigantic!”

“Exactly.  Harry knew you wanted a crup and Granger wanted a kneazle so this was the best compromise we could come up with.”

“Wow, thank you.  I don’t know what to say.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry for accusing you two of, well, ya know.” He tossed his head in the general direction of the bed.

“It’s okay Ron, I should have told you he was spending time here but I knew how much you didn’t like him because of everything that went on at school and I just didn’t know how to bring it up.”

“Well, I guess now that I’m going to be a married man I need to grow up and get over it huh?  Especially if you find him all right to spend this much time with him.”

“Thanks Ron.”  He and Harry hugged briefly.

“Aww,” they pulled back from the hug at hearing Malfoy, “so everything is okay again in BFF land?”

Ron responded with a big grin, “Yes, it’s fine.  Ass” He winked at Malfoy who shot him the bird in return.

“Well gents, I’m off to dine with my lovely bride-to-be.  Have a good night.”  And with that Ron left the flat.

Harry turned to Draco, “Well, that was interesting.”

“It was.  But Harry,” Draco walked over and put his arms around him, “how do you think he’ll react when we tell him we actually are sleeping together?”

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