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I Didn't Know It Was Goodbye

By Lady Spork

Fantasy / Romance

It's not the goodbye that hurts, it's the sudden flashbacks that follow


Remus lifted his head from the pillow and looked at the woman beside him. After their lovemaking, she'd dropped into a light sleep, her chest rising and falling with a rythm that matched the afternoon shadows. They'd been in the tangled sheets for two hours, and the rays now dipped low enough to bypass the curtains and raise the temperature of the room. The enchanted fan did little to help, though Remus wasn't sure anything could cool the heated blood that still coursed through his body.

Lily Evans had that effect on him. How did she do it? What secret did she know? Where had she learned to make him feel the way he did? He'd pondered these questions many times over the years, since he'd first met her actually. He could still recall meeting her that morning. Her sweet smile had set a chain reaction off in his body unlike anything he'd ever felt before. And it was still going on.

Sometimes she managed it with a look. Sometimes she did it with a kiss. Usually, it was just a simple touch- her fingers against his cheek, her hand on his arm, her mouth on his neck. Whatever it was the results were the same: he would lose control. Lily unleashed something in him no one else had even been able to fine, much less set free. She'd throw herself into his arms and within seconds, their clothes would be gone. They'd made love in so many strange places, he'd lost count.
He edged closer to her, the scent from their bodies lingering between them. He was struck by her angelic beauty. Her looks alone couldn't explain her effect on him, though. He'd been around beautiful women frequently. None of them had made him crazy.

Maybe it couldn't be explained, he thought suddenly. Maybe it was magic. He looked at her a moment longer, the rolled onto his back and sighed in frustration. What did it matter what he called it? She had it and he fell for it. Every time. Otherwise he'd have left her long ago.

The bed moved and he felt her gaze on his profile. She was a light sleeper, they both were, a habit born from years of dangerous work.

What are you thinking about?" She reached out and toyed with a lock of his hair. Her question was rhetorical because she could read his mind as well as his body.
His eyes met hers and he felt the intensity all the way to the bottom of his feet. "You."
She grinned lazily and another zing shot through him.
"That's good," she said. "I like it when you think of me."
"You do?" He turned to face her, their lips now inches apart. "Why is that?"
"It makes me think you love me."
"You know I love you."
"I do know, I just need to hear it sometimes."

He feathered his fingers over the satin skin of her cheek. The words he wanted to say would spoil the moment, but Remus couldn't stop himself.
"You're right," he agreed slowly. "Everyone likes to know that, including me."
Their eyes locked, her gaze hardened. Her voice became deceptively soft as she warned. "We've had a great day Remus. Don't do this..."
He shook his head, his hair whispering over the pillows. "I have to, Lily. "It's too important to me- to us- not to talk about."

She swung her feet to the floor. "But it's all we talk about." The muscles of her back tensed. She stayed silent for a moment, then twisted around to look at him. Her jaw was a single line of anger, her lips pursed tightly together. "How many times do we have to go over this, Remus? It just isn't possible right now..."
In the quiet that followed he heard the excited sounds of children. Zonko's was right down the street, and their happy cries flooded his ears. Remus loved to listen to them, but right now, the sound was almost painful.

"It isn't possible only because of you. Time is passing. I want a family. I want a wife. I want children."

She stood up abruptly and walked to the window. "I know what you want, Remus. Believe me, I know."

With a catch in his throat, Remus sat up and pulled the sheet over him. He took a deep breath and continued the running argument. "Then if you know what I want, when are you going to do something about it?"
"I can't leave James. She faced him. "Not now that we have Harry."

Grabbing the sheet, Remus rose to his knees and shook his head. "I disagree. I've told you-"
"I know what you've told me- but do you really want to hurt James like that? Do you really want to separate a child from its father or mother?"
"I'm well aware of what-"
"You're not aware of anything or you wouldn't be asking this of me. Isn't what we have together enough for you?"

Her words cut deep, deeper than usual. he swallowed hard before he answered her. "No Lily it's not. I can't stand the thought of living my life as your dirty little secret. Of us always sneaking around. Do you really think James doesn't know, that he's so stupid he doesn't see?" Remus looked away he could hear the rustle of her robes as she dressed.

"I love you. I always have, and I always will. Goodbye Remus." He heard the door shut behind her as she left.


How was he to know this was the last time he'd ever see her, speak to her, hold her? How was he to know that in a few short weeks she'd be dead? The victim of one dark wizard's obsession with world dominance.

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