Hello everybody! going to keep this short but fair warning. There is a mention of suicide in this chapter. I just want to warn you all before hand and if you ever need to talk to somebody my PM box is always open and I'm there to listen :)
thanks to all who have followed, Favorited etc means a lot, and also thanks to MusicallyChallenged who is the best beta a girl could ask for ;)
It's been a week since my "Accident" as my mother calls it. Everybody has been keeping twenty four hour surveillance on me, and to be honest I'm at the point that accident or no accident if I wasn't still slightly in pain I'd be out of the house breaking Raphael and his friend's faces instead of being so on edge as I am being cooped up in here.
It's Saturday, the day of my mother's and her new husband's engagement party and it's been all hands on deck since the moment we came home from school Friday evening, now usually after school my mother doesn't even bother asking what happened in school because obviously her daughter isn't stupid enough to get into any bad situations.
Well that little theory was destroyed with my "accident" she's been asking the moment I come in the door. If I had it my way she'd stop pretending to care about me and go back to planning her oh so special engagement party that is apparently "the talk of the town" my mother excitedly told us all at dinner as I choked down food ignoring the pain in my chest.
Sighing I stomp up to my room and flop onto my bed frustrated. I just need a little while off to go do something I really want to do, I think burying my head in my pillow resisting the urge to go back downstairs and continue the heated discussion occurring between my mother and I about what I would be wearing this evening.
I want to dress simply, a nice pair of black skinny jeans my aunt bought me last year and the green cardigan I got this Christmas with my Top shop knee high black boots. When I suggested this to my mother she looked like I suggested we invite clowns to the party and have them juggle the little kids with chainsaws. God forbid the wife's daughter doesn't wear a stupid dress that she "Specifically picked out for you" and some pair of death trap heels.
It doesn't stop there oh no, I have to let some random person do my makeup and hair because my natural hair looks like it's been dragged through a bush backwards. You'd think that because she was my mother she'd know at least a little about her daughter.
Turns out the only person who knows me well enough is me. I don't do make up, not that I don't think it isn't helpful to hide spots or to put some blush on your face if you're extremely pale that actually has a purpose. Wearing it so you can be part of an image of a "Perfect family" isn't my definition of a purpose.
I can't help it this time and I bury my head into the pillow before screaming into it. I know I'm acting babyish but I'm in pain, but can't tell anybody I'm scared of hospitals because of seeing my father there too many times when I was younger. He just lay there pale as a ghost scars and bruises covering every inch of him I could see.
I can't tell anybody because who would believe me, I mean my mother is too caught up in her engagement party and where they'll go for their honeymoon to give a hoot. There's not a chance in heaven or hell that I'm going to Jonathan or his friends because after the whole nurse business Jace hasn't said a sentence to me, and Jonathan, well Jonathan has been too busy snogging Aline and threatening to kill the person to actually listen to me.
Jace. I can't stop thinking about him, I don't want to though. I want to get everything about him out of my head like he obviously has with me. Yet I can't, every time he's in the room my heart stats racing and I can't help but stop and listen to whatever he's saying.
It's stupid, but I thought after the night we slept together in my bed and then in the nurse's I thought we had something, that in this hell hole and the crap position my mother placed both of us, at least I would have somebody that'd maybe get where I was coming from, obviously not because the day I collapsed like a pathetic little girl he went cold without a second thought and he hasn't talked to me since.
And then there's Maia. Maia, who I've only known for a few weeks and yet it feels like we've become friends. Though not close enough friends, that after her sitting through one of my sob moments that'd I'd ever consider dragging her down again with my crappy family situation.
So I'm on my own again, and to be honest it's terrifyingly silent and dark inside my head. I should be trying to act like normal seventeen year olds going out kissing guys laughing over some group photo we took, stressing over homework. Instead I'm sitting on my bed wondering whether to just give up.
I mean who would even miss me that much? My mother would have her fiancé to comfort her, Jonathan would be fine probably wouldn't bat an eyelid and my friends from home, some friends they are if they haven't even texted you since you got here. Seriously they probably wouldn't give to craps. So what's stopping you?
I jump off of my bed sweat pouring down my face eyes wide open. Did I just think that? Jesus Christ I need to get out if the house now. I need to go out and calm the hell down, I must be really losing it if I'm having thoughts like that.
Quickly grabbing my duffel bag off the desk chair and shoving my wallet into the bag as well I plan how to get out of my room without catching anybody downstairs' attention. Window, you've done it once you can do it again. Just climb out jump onto the tree and jump down. Simple. Taking a deep breath I shoulder my bag and do just that landing in the tree with a grunt. Looking around me I make sure nobody is in the near area before I start climbing down until I'm nearly at the bottom.
When I get down as far as I can I jump like a cat and land knees slightly bent a ten point landing at least. Grinning to myself I brush off the little twigs that got caught in my cardigan then make my way into town to catch a bus.
I notice her leaving and know instantly that I'm going to follow her. Not creepily, more as a curious slightly protective friend of sneaking away girl's brother. For all I know she's going to meet the people that beat her up and I can finally find out who did it and make their life hell.
Not because I love her I remind myself sternly. I'm following her so I can tell a concerned Johnathan. Yeah keep telling yourself that, that's why you're grabbing your coat telling Johnathan you'll see him later at the party and following her out the door. "Shut up" I growl to myself slamming the front door keeping at least ten paces behind a determined Clary. I keep my eyes locked on her back but keep far back so if she looks back she won't see me following her.
She gets into our little town but doesn't stop. Doesn't stop to smile at anyone, instead she keeps her head down hood up just continuing to walk further into town. That is until she stops at the bus stop just before our school.
This is confusing, nobody takes this particular route to anywhere popular. She walked past that stop ten kilometres from here and across the road as well. So where is she going? I slip into a little intersection of the wall as she sits down in the bus shelter waiting for the only bus that comes this way.
When it comes I wait until she and the other four elderly ladies get on before hopping on and scanning the student card I always keep handy. Where Clary goes to the back corner and starts looking out the window, I stay up the front choosing to sit on the seat behind the conductor which is partially covered with a barrier keeping the conductor's door steady.
I plant myself down and for the first time wonder what the hell I'm doing. I have a conflicting argument in my head about it until on the fourth stop Clary gets up and starts making her way towards the entrance. I duck down as she passes me smiling at the conductor before hopping off.
I get up slowly and then jump off gaining a scowl from the conductor as he closes the door. I offer an apologetic smile before continuing my stalking of Clary, who is making good time storming away from the stop and turning a corner.
Swearing I jog to catch up and follow her as she walks into a bigger town which is completely alien to me but to Clary is obviously a regular, as she charges through people making her way towards… the train station? Where the hell are you going Clary? And why the hell did I even follow her in the first place.
She walks into the station and down a flight of stairs and goes towards a ticket desk, I follow needing to know where she's going but not wanting to alert her to my presence. She walks up and mummers Biggs station before handing over some money.
What the hell is the significance of Biggs station? I wonder as Clary leaves the desk and the first of two people in front of me go up to the desk. When I've paid for my ticket I go to the platform and there she is, she looks so small in this big building I want to go over and wrap my arms around her and promise her I'm still here.
No you won't, you want to know why you won't? Because you're a coward. You're scared because for the first time you like somebody for themselves and you've gone and screwed it up. Now she won't even talk to you and it's killing you. But you can't admit that to her, hell even yourself.
"Shut up" I growl again running my hand through my hair tiredly as a train comes rolling into the station and stops, Clary gets up and without looking either way and sits down beside a window. I get on and sit the other side of the carriage, grabbing a seat that will still let me see her.
After god how knows long and I decide to take a five minute nap that turns into twenty I jerk awake causing a few irritated glances my way before I worriedly glance over to where Clary is sitting and breathe a sigh of relief. She's still there, looking out of the window something obviously going on in her head.
When we get off I presume we are going to make our way to the exit but I'm mistaken. Clary goes the other way towards a little florist stall away from the train tracks. I stop at one of the little shops pretending to look at a magazine until Clary comes out with a red rose and a white lily wrapped in a little black bow.
What the hell is going on here? Why does she need flowers all of a sudden? Shaking my head I jump into the shop as she passes then follow her out the exit and to the left leaving the city behind she walks through loads of housing estates but never stops.
Then she turns right and I suddenly realise where we are and my stomach drops. We're outside a cemetery, then it hits me who must be buried here. Oh god Clary, please don't do this to yourself I beg her silently as she takes a deep breath and pushes the cemetery door open walking in.
I don't know whether or not to follow her, thoughts flying around my brain. I decide to follow her but at even more of a distance than before. No point getting caught now is there, I think following her as she slowly walks to a plot of land under a big droopy oak tree.
When she's far enough away that I know she won't notice me but I can still hear her I stop. She keeps going through towards a little marble gravestone. She takes off her coat and shivers slightly before sitting down on it and placing the flowers on the grave.
She strangles out a little sob before saying; "Hey Dad. How's things going upstairs? Keeping Auntie Maria entertained up there?" she laughs a little and my heart drops a little more every time she speaks.
"I've got news actually; hold onto your hat Dad. Mum's getting re married. Yeah really, she found this man off this dating website and it's been "Love at first sight" for both of them. Mum forced me into moving away from you and Izzy who I haven't seen since I moved last month, I've missed you and her everyday I've been there and I've wanted to come back here but things kept getting in the way"
She takes a breath laughing slightly before saying; "Actually not things, people. The man your wife has decided is the next "Love of her life" has a son about my age. He's an idiot who doesn't seem to have a thought in his brain" I'll have to tell Jon that one. I'm jerked out of the thought of Jon's face when she talks again.
"The thing is one moment I think he hates the idea of us being siblings, even more because mum is pregnant. Yet I got injured somewhat badly last week' if you call that somewhat badly, I'd like to see bloody awful. 'I got injured by these guy and his cronies' damn it so close to a name. "Anyway that's not the point. The point is that when I was in the nurse's office he pretended to be all concerned. Hell he even got his friend's in on it to. Though now, when it seems I'm fine the friend is being as cold as ice and Jonathan is just back to his normal self."
She sighs wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. "I feel really alone Dad" she starts sobbing curling into herself sobbing. I want to go over but I'm frozen to the spot looking at the toughest girl I know break down. "I felt so alone today I thought about ending it all. Just jumping out of the window and ending all of the crappy stuff that's going on" WHAT! SHE THOUGHT ABOUT KILLING HERSELF! WHAT? WHY? My brain is screaming in horror.
"I couldn't do it though." She laughs bitterly, "I think you taught me well enough to know I'm too valuable to just give out, I just felt at my lowest point, you know. I just feel like I can't turn to anybody. Nobody seems to see it from my point of view and I'm getting so tired of everything. Hell even the one person I stupidly thought I could trust went cold on me, refuses to talk to me and I have no friends."
Then I realize who the friend is. The friend who turned cold on her and refused to talk to her. The one person who she felt she could talk to was. I don't wait to hear the rest of what she's saying needing to get out of here before I throw up. She meant me, oh god she was going to kill herself and I decided to play ego man and refuse to talk to her all week.
I get out of the cemetery before collapsing onto the floor taking deep breaths in, trying to comprehend what she just told her dead father and not anybody in her family. When it feels like I'm not going to collapse again I get back to the train station and get onto a train going back home. This time I'm not even a little tired, my brain is too busy trying to think up a plan.
When I get home I slam the door shut and go up to my room a plan forming in my head for tonight. Oh god the party!
R&R please :)