Hypothermia

Author's Note: So, believe it or not, this fic actually began as a serious plot-bunny. Unfortunately, halfway through it, I was struck down by a particularly nasty flu that had me on medication, and this was the result. So, when reading the beginning, have faith that the seriousness won't last long before all of the insane-humor comes in.

Accident though it may be, sometimes that's how the best humor is born, and I hope you enjoy it. Have laughs, my friends, and please remember to review.

And now, on with the show.

Hypothermia

"JAMES POTTER, YOU ARROGANT PRAT!"

James sighed in contentment, as the sound of Lily Evans' screaming voice of fury echoed through the Gryffindor Common Room. All other occupants of the room quickly dispersed, except for three other boys – namely Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew – who merely moved into a corner and did their best to blend in with the wall.

Lily Evans, in all her flaming glory, came storming down the staircase that led to the girl's dormitories, red hair surrounding her head like the fires of a phoenix at its moment of rebirth, her emerald green eyes nearly glowing with rage.

"JAMES POTTER!" she snarled, with more contempt than you would expect from anyone but the darkest of Slytherins. "YOU NO-GOOD, EGOTISTICAL, SELFISH, ARROGANT, REPULSIVE, PRAT OF A BLOODY GRYFFINDOR!" she shrieked, her green eyes never moving a millimeter from his chocolate-brown orbs.

James, for his part, hadn't even flinched. He merely gazed up at Lily, as if he hadn't heard a word of her hollering, his eyes taking in her beautiful form, as they shined with something that Muggle writers would call "undying love" (or "undying, unrequited love," in this case).

"Yes, my lovely Lily-flower?" James asked, his sweet voice letting her pet name roll over his lips like honey from the fangs of a serpent.

Let's take a moment to introduce our friends, while they're all together.

First, there's the infamous James Potter, and he is, indeed, infamous. A pureblooded wizard without a shred of doubt, James Potter was raised by Lynn and Harold Potter, of Godric's Hollow, London. He is the eldest of two children, having a younger brother by the name of David Potter. David, for his part, could cause just as much, if not more trouble than James, but this story is not about him.

James has tan skin, from constantly being outside, usually seated on his Nimbus 500, zooming around the Quidditch Pitch and catching Quaffles. His raven-black hair has never once in his life lain down flat, choosing instead to stick up in every direction but that which James wishes for it to go. Frequently, he runs his fingers through it, to make it look as though he just got off of his broomstick. This is an extremely annoying habit to all who know James, and even those who don't know him. James has eyes as dark brown as chocolate, and they are situated innocently behind a pair of horn-rimmed glasses, with lenses that are perfectly round and, despite what one might think, having the amazing ability to not look dorky.

Standing over James is his only love and arch-nemesis, Lily Evans. Lily Evans is a Muggle-born witch, raised in Dublin, Ireland for most of her life, before she and her parents moved to London. She lives with Rose and Alan Evans, and her older sister, Petunia. All three of them are Muggles, leaving Lily as the only witch in the family.

Lily's skin is pale, like the white sand of a beach in the summertime. Most of her time, she can be found indoors, in the library, where she sits for hours, doing her homework and reading – constantly. The smartest girl in her year – and possibly the entire student-body – Lily has hair as red as the coals of a fire. Long and curly, it frames her pale face like an overflowing volcano. Her eyes, however, burn far worse than her hair. Greener than emeralds sparkling beneath the sun, the eyes of Lily Evans can convey love, hatred, joy, sorrow, and disappointment in a single glance. There are many who believe that, should she wish, she could kill with a single look, and for this, many shy away from her whenever she gets angry.

James Potter, however, lives to enrage her.

Doing their best to hide in the corner, out of sight and range of Lily's temper, are the three other members of the prankster-group that James Potter leads. Second-in-command, if there was such in the group, is Sirius Black, James' best friend and foremost confidant.

Sirius is, like James, a pureblooded wizard. However, unlike James, his family is made up of the darkest witches and wizards to ever roam the Earth. The Blacks are known throughout the Wizarding World with a shudder of fear. Sirius, however, is the outcast of his family and hates them for their beliefs. For this reason, he recently ran away and was unofficially adopted by the Potters. Anyone who even mentions Sirius' parents in relation to anything but their possible death had better be able to run fast.

Sirius is the pride and joy of Gryffindor. The most dashing of all students in the school, put simply, Sirius is drop-dead gorgeous. His skin is pale like Lily's, but tougher. While hers is smooth like the powdery sand, Sirius' skin is like marble, shining in candlelight. His long dark hair falls elegantly over his shoulders like a dark veil, and often trickles over his face, partially hiding his features, but for his deep blue eyes, which seem to glint with passion, no matter how dark it might be.

Despite his sexy appearance, Sirius is one of the most dangerous students in Gryffindor House. His eyes always hold some mischievous glint, and there never seems to be a moment when a smirk cannot be found on his face. Always planning something, Sirius loves pranks, particularly against the Slytherins and his relatives, who hate him as much as he hates them. Unless you like to have a grudge held against you for years, and be hunted for the remainder of your life, it is best not to cross Sirius Orion Black.

The second student hiding in the corner is the calmest of the three. Remus Lupin is the brains and rationality of the Marauders. His skin is as pale as the snow that layers the ground outside; almost as pale as the skin of the ghosts that wander the halls. Remus' hair is medium-brown, cut to fall just above his shoulders, and, despite his young age, is already beginning to have flecks of grey dot its locks. While Remus almost never lets his emotions take control of him, and rarely let's them be seen, his grey-green eyes, confetti-dotted with specks of gold, hold a peaceful intelligence rarely ever seen in a child, and they also hold something else: a secret.

Remus Lupin was a half-blooded wizard, born to a witch and her Muggle husband, who ran away when he was four years old, after he was cursed. Remus grew up in the forests of England all his life, after his fourth birthday, when he was bitten by a werewolf and given the curse of Lycanthropy and forced to turn into a werewolf once every month. Very few people knew this about Remus – among the few who did being Lily, James, Sirius, and the final Marauder, Peter.

Peter Pettigrew is a smaller boy, in height. There was one thing no one would ever deny about Peter: he liked to eat. Since the day the other three boys had met him, Peter had had a rather large stomach, and had been extremely short for his age. His hair, thin and rather wavy, was so pale-blonde it looked white from a distance. His dark eyes were large and watery, making him look as though he was about to burst into tears at any moment.

Born to pureblooded family, if there was ever a weak leak in the Marauders, it was Peter. Small and not very bright when it came to magic, Peter was a tag-along with the other three boys. He idolized James almost to the point of concern, hated and feared Sirius, and just downright feared Remus. If not for James, Peter would never have been noticed, and certainly wouldn't have been part of the Marauders.

The fact that James had noticed him would eventually be the downfall of the Marauders.

However, that's another story.

"DON'T YOU LILY-FLOWER ME!" Lily snarled, making the three boys in the corner cringe. "I KNOW IT WAS YOU WHO SET PIXIES LOOSE IN THE GIRL'S DORMITORY! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW ANNOYING CORNISH PIXIES ARE?!"

"My Lily-Flower," James cooed, "I can't even get up the staircase to the girl's dormitory. How do you expect me to have set pixies loose in there?" He grinned. "Good idea, though – thank you."

Lily held a piece of parchment out to him angrily. "I KNOW IT WAS YOU, POTTER! DO YOU THINK I'M PROUD OF THIS? I'VE GONE FOUR YEARS WITHOUT A SINGLE MISTAKE, AND YOU DECIDE TO RUIN MY RECORD IN MY FIFTH YEAR?!"

James smiled innocently. "Honestly, Lily, I didn't set them loose. Besides, you wouldn't want me taking credit for your wonderful prank, now would you?"

Lily's eyes flashed dangerously. "POTTER, YOU ARE AN ARROGANT PRAT!"

"So I've been told countless times," James said pleasantly. "Perhaps it's true?"

Narrowing her eyes, Lily seemed to contemplate drawing her wand and hexing him, but declined her self-proclaimed offer, before storming out of the Common Room in a flurry of red hair, and raging emerald eyes.

In the corner, Remus, Sirius, and Peter slid to the floor in relief. "Merlin, James, that was a close one," Peter squeaked.

"Nah!" James said, turning to his friends and grinning. "She doesn't really know we did it."

"I can't believe you denied it, though, mate," Sirius said. "That's not like you."

"I didn't deny it," James replied in explanation. "I didn't set the pixies loose – you did. It was just my idea." He smirked. "And finally, we got that horribly clear record of hers demolished." He shivered. "Disgusting – a clean record."

"I don't reckon she's going to be pleased with you for a while, mate," Sirius said. "You think you should lay off the pranks and the "Lily, will you marry me" load for a while?"

James didn't even consider it. "Nah! She'll forget about it by tomorrow night, and then, once she finds out how wicked it is to have a muddy record, she'll definitely want to go out with me!"

But Lily Evans did not forget about the pixies the night after, nor did she back off from her claim that James had done it. She also didn't enjoy having a dirty record, and certainly didn't want to go out with James. Thus resulted in James' pining, and Sirius' "I told you so."

"So, what do you think Filch'll have her do for tomorrow night?" Sirius asked, looking up at James from his chessboard.

"Dunno," James said, flipping through the pages of Quidditch Through the Ages. "Probably clean the trophy room or something – nothing big." He yawned widely and stretched his arms, as Remus moved his Knight and check-mated Sirius' King.

"Damn," Sirius muttered.

"Well, I'm going to bed to dream about my dear Lily-Flower," James said. "G'night."

"Night, James," the others chorused, as Remus repaired the chess pieces with a wave of his wand, and Sirius began placing them back in their correct positions.

Outside, the wind began to pick up, blowing a dusty white covering through the air, as a storm moved in from the South. But no one noticed.

The next morning was calm and uneventful. That is, until Lily Evans stormed into the Marauder's fifth year boy's dormitory and threw a bucket of ice cold water onto James.

"ARGH!" he cried in surprise, rolling onto the floor, sopping wet and dressed in only his boxers, which were charmed with a small snitch that zoomed all over the place, rarely stopping for more than a couple of seconds. James looked up at Lily and instantly, his shocked and unhappy demeanor at being awoken so rudely vanished. "Geez, Lily, if you'd wanted to see my new boxers, all you had to do was ask."

Lily's emerald eyes narrowed dangerously, though James didn't find it at all intimidating. "I just wanted to let you know how happy I am that you've completely ruined my life!" she snarled.

"I'm sorry," James said. "I didn't know you wanted to try them on so bad." He pulled a pair of boxers out of his trunk. "I have another pair."

Lily could have killed him, but she refrained. "You idiots decided to sleep in until three o'clock in the afternoon, so I thought I'd wake you up so I could go and serve the detention that rightfully belongs to you!"

James pushed himself up off the floor. "Look, Lily, I didn't do it," he said, the joking demeanor fading slightly. "I'm serious." He meant it as both a pun and a hint, but Lily didn't notice either.

"I'm sick of your lies, Potter. Thanks to you, not only is my record completely ruined, but I had to cancel my plans to go to Hogsmeade today, and I'm stuck serving detention in the Forbidden Forest."

James gave her a funny look, stopping mid-swipe through his already-ruffled black hair. "Why would they have you serve detention in the forest? We only ever had to clean the trophy room?"

"Probably because the trophy room is busy being cleaned by some Slytherin who blew up Professor Sinistra's telescope, and because one of the girls had to go to the Hospital Wing, after one of the pixies bit her. By the way, Potter, thanks."

"You said that already," James commented, smiling.

Lily glared. "Sod off!" she snarled, and then turned and stormed out of the dormitory in a cloud of rage.

Standing in all his half-naked glory, James grinned and cricked his neck pompously. "Oh yeah," he said, sure of himself, "she likes me."

The weather was not being kind this day. Three inches of snow lay freezing on the ground, while the clouds in the sky promised more. A fierce wind was blowing through the air, and the temperature continued to drop, already set at twenty degrees. This, however, did not stop Argus Filch from assigning an unfair detention outside.

"You'll be serving detention with me tonight," he growled, as he walked behind her, making certain she didn't run away.

"But I thought only Hagrid took kids into the forest?" Lily asked, shivering and hugging her cloak tighter around her.

Filch chuckled. "Special cases get to come with me," Filch growled, though it seemed to be a pleasant growl. "While Mrs. Norris minds the school, we'll be serving your detention with important matters that need attending to."

"Couldn't we have done it on a warmer day?" Lily asked, though she already knew the answer.

"Criminals such as yourself don't deserve the warmth of a nice day," Filch snarled.

Lily looked at the ground. "But I didn't even do it," she mumbled. Thanks a lot, Potter.

Filch didn't answer, continuing to lead her into the forest from behind. His skin was thick with age and coarse with the work he's had to do throughout his life. The cold didn't bother him, and so he didn't realize how sharp the wind was getting, and how much closer the temperature was getting to freezing.

Within the castle, however, someone did.

"I can't believe he's taking her out in this," James ranted. "It's not right!"

"This is Filch we're talking about," Sirius said. "Remember? Short, ugly guy who's in love with his cat and chained Pete to the ceiling by his toes?" Peter shivered at the memory.

"I don't care who he is," James snapped. "No one should be forced to go outside when it's this cold – especially not Lily."

"Get off it, James. We know you love her, but it's just a detention," said a second year Gryffindor by the name of Daniel. None of the Marauders enjoyed his company, and they silently let him know that now, with a few well-placed glares. He left in a hurry.

"It's only getting colder out, guys," James said, "and we know Filch is demented. You don't think he'd keep her out there if it got any colder, do you?"

"James, it's gotten five degrees colder since they left the castle. I know he would!" Sirius exclaimed.

"What should we do?" Peter asked, looking at the others for the answer.

"You could go complain to Dumbledore," Remus suggested in his genius.

Sirius shook his head. "He's in a meeting at the Ministry."

"We could talk to McGonagall," Peter commented softly.

"Are you kidding?" Sirius exclaimed. "She hates us! She'd probably refuse to help us, just to spite us."

"At the expense of another student's health?" Remus asked. "I doubt it." There was silence for a moment, and then James stood up, crossing over to the staircase that led to the boy's dormitory. "What are you doing, James?" he asked.

"I'm going to go after them," James said. He quickly retrieved his cloak from his room and came back down to the Common Room. "I'm bringing them back here, if I have to stun Filch." He slipped into his cloak and buttoned it up the front, tying it tightly.

"Should we go and get McGonagall?" Remus asked. He rather liked the idea, but James was the leader.

James paused for a moment. "Yes," he said finally. "Wait until I leave the castle, but then go and get her. If she refuses to help, I'll already be gone." He smirked at them. "And if you see Mrs. Norris, give her a good kick for me." And then he vanished out of the portrait hole. The other three Marauders went to the window and watched, waiting to see James come out of the school's doors, when they would leave and go to McGonagall's office, and tell her of Filch's evil treatment of Lily for a detention.

They didn't think to look at how cold it was now. If they had, they would have left to find McGonagall right away. During their talking, the temperature had dropped another five degrees. At ten Fahrenheit, it was only getting colder.

Despite the ability the trees had to block the wind, it was even colder inside the forest. However, Lily's limbs had somehow grown warmer. How, she didn't know, but she was grateful for it. If she'd known the true reason, she might have been far more worried than she currently was. As it was, however, she didn't realize, as Filch didn't, how cold it really was, and that soon, it would be below zero.

Even with James running after her, the cold was unknowingly sneaking up behind Lily, and planned to soon wrap its frozen arms around her and hug her tight. And then it would be too late.

"What are you boys doing out of bed?" Professor McGonagall asked sternly. "You should be in your Common Room! It's past curfew!"

The three boys had expected this. However, they had a job to do. "Professor McGonagall," said Remus, taking the lead. He was the best behaved of the three, and McGonagall would listen to him better than she would Sirius, and Peter was too frightened of his own shadow to say anything. "Filch is taking Lily out to the Forbidden Forest for a detention," he began. "And we don't think it's right." He was about to continue, but the look of McGonagall's face left him speechless.

She looked utterly horrified.

"In this weather?" she asked, more to herself than to anyone else. "Is he mad?"

"Professor?" Remus asked, but McGonagall was a little out of it, talking to herself and going over what she should do. "Professor!" Nothing he could say, however, snapped her out of it.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "MOUSE!" he screamed.

McGonagall's head snapped up instantly, and with a pop, her form shifted to that of a tabby-cat, with half-moon marks around her golden eyes. Her back arched, fur splaying out, and she hissed. A moment later, however, she realized there was nothing there but the three boys and, with an embarrassed meow, she transformed back to a human.

"Er… forgive me, boys, I… I've been having a bad week."

Sirius was having difficulty hiding a snicker. What, too much catnip in your tea? He couldn't help his knowing smirk. After all, he had been the one to spike her drink at breakfast.

"Professor, what are we going to do about Lily, Filch, and James?"

"Well, I suppose we'll… wait, Potter? What on Earth is he doing out there?"

"He… er… went after Lily, ma'am," Remus said, looking decidedly nervous. McGonagall was starting to look like she was going to blow a gasket, and… well… that wouldn't be pretty.

McGonagall's eyes narrowed dangerously. With a flick of her wand, she summoned a camouflaged army helmet out of thin air and strapped it over her head. "Come on, boys," she said, her voice stiff. She twirled her wand and then holstered it like a pistol. "Let's go catch us some Filch." And then she was off. As she wandered past the boys, they noticed the back of her helmet had a hole in the center, when the tight bun her hair was in stuck out, perfect, as usual.

Glancing at each other, the three boys shrugged, and then followed.

Out in the forest, James was following after Lily and Filch. With the snow not entering the forest so easily, he had lost their tracks on the frozen ground, and so had asked a passing Acromantula which way the two had gone. Of course, with eight legs, he hadn't helped much, pointing in a bunch of different directions at once, before attempting to eat him.

Strangely, James had found himself being saved by a blue Ford Angela, which, after turning the giant spider into arachnid road kill, had taken flight and met a flying green Pontiac Sunfire in the light of the moon. The two had then flown off together, to make little baby bumpers and radiators.

However, James was still without direction on which way Lily had gone, and so, he had decided to follow his heart. Coincidentally, that had called up a couple idle rays of sunshine and a few bored butterflies, all of which had been very happy to join James in skipping through the frozen daisies, as he made his way through the forest. Cupid had stopped by for a bit, but after realizing that James hardly needed to be shot with a love arrow, he had gone off to phone for a few fluffy pink clouds, so that when James found Lily, the two of them could ride the cottony masses into the sunset.

Waking up the sun, however, would be left to Hagrid's singing rooster, Chanticleer, because James heard he wasn't much of a morning person.

All of a sudden, there was the sound of a record shredding to a stop, and the idle rays of sunshine vanished, the butterflies exploding into little puffs of smoke, as four screaming people came running into the forest.

"CHARGE!"

James jumped out of the way just in time to avoid a full-blown tackle by none other than Professor McGonagall, wearing… an army helmet?

"James, mate," Sirius said, walking up to James, panting for breath, "it's a good thing we found you." Suddenly, he grabbed James by the front of the shirt and pulled him forward until their noses were almost touching. Sirius' eyes were wide and his teeth were gritted shut, as he muttered, "Get me away from this lot!" He gave James a long shake. "They're insane, I tell you! INSANE!" His eyes rolled up into the back of his head and he slumped to the ground in a dead faint.

At this, Peter and Remus came forward. "What's up with him?" James asked, jerking his thumb at Sirius, who was lying on the ground, a thick line of drool dripping from his wide mouth, his eyes spinning oddly. Peter, who was wearing a shirt that said "I'm with stupid," that had an arrow pointing up toward his own face, stared at Sirius' spinning eyes and promptly fell over and died of dizziness.

Sirius slept on.

"We… er… met up with a couple of centaurs to ask for directions," Remus explained.

"Oh?" James asked. "What's so insane about that?"

"Well… they were female centaurs," Remus continued slowly.

"Yeah?" James asked, still not getting it.

"And… you see… they don't wear human… er… clothing."

"Oh." James blinked a few moments, understanding what Remus had been getting at. A moment later, however, his brow furrowed. "I thought he, of all people, would have enjoyed that?"

At this, Remus smirked. "Well, you see, centaurs also don't take to… shall we say, shaving." James went very pale, his eyes widening. Remus only chuckled. "Yeah," he said, in answer to James' unspoken question. "Exactly."

James turned around and began to walk away, whistling as if he knew nothing. And he wished he did.

Suddenly, McGonagall jumped into view. Now, she not only wore an army helmet, but was dressed in camoflague robes and black rubber rain boots. "Argh!" she roared like a pirate. "You three be prisoners of war, then?"

James exchanged a look with Remus, who was levitating a still-unconscious, still-drooling Sirius off of the ground. They decided to leave Peter's corpse to rot, as he was a lying rat, and the author of this story doesn't like him.

"Argh!" Sirius slurred in his sleep. "More hot cocoa, please, Tiddly-Winks."

All of a sudden, McGonagall stood up straight, her face pale. Then, her eyes began to water and she sniffed loudly. "Tiddly-Winks?" she asked in a whimper. "My little owner, Cindy-Bob, used to call me Tiddly-Winks." She sniffed. "And then… the canary got her tongue."

Sirius woke up at this and glanced at her, blinking tiredly. "I dunno what the House Elves have been putting in her food," he commented, "but I suggest they double it on exam day." The other two steadily agreed and Remus let Sirius collapse to the ground, removing the levitating charm.

"Now," said James, "let's go find my dear Lily-Flower."

McGonagall dropped to all fours and began sniffing the ground. Eyebrows raised, the three boys looked at each other, wondering what on earth had gotten into their stern, grounded Transfiguration professor.

Too much catnip.

Suddenly, McGonagall let out a bay like a bloodhound and, on all fours, bolted off into the forest. The three didn't waste time glancing at each other, they were working on the same confused brain. They simply bolted after her.

Lily was shivering viciously. She was not cold. In fact, her body held a normal temperature and she wasn't bothered by the weather at all. She was shivering in fear of what she was hearing.

Argus Filch was singing.

"Oh, my sweet Mrs. Norris

For you, I gratefully chorus

I sing this song

Won't you sing a long

Girl who I now name Morris"

"My name is Lily," she said, unwilling to submit to his insanity.

Filch's eyes narrowed and he returned to his kid-loathing self. "You, girl, sing with me, or I'll string you up to be eaten by the polar bears."

"There aren't any polar bears in England," Lily commented matter-of-factly.

"No, but there's the Abominable Snowman," Filch laughed.

A great white furry beast raised its head and blinked large golden eyes at them. "I don't eat junk food," he commented, before wandering off to find a quieter snow-encrusted forest, where people don't sing so horribly.

"Then I shall return to chorusing my love for my dearest love," Filch declared.

Lily's eyes narrowed. "The next time I see Potter, I'm going to kill him."

"Oh, my dearest miss kitty

Please, dearest, have pity

My soul hungers for you alone

Frozen by a million snow cones

And my teeth are all gritty

I wish you were here in the snow

But when you asked, I declared no

Now I wish you were here

With me, my dear

Oh, I feel so low!"

Lily covered her ears with her hands. Filch's tone-deaf screeching was giving her a headache and she half-wished her eardrums would explode already.

"Merlin, does anyone realize I'm out here. I swear, I'll kiss whoever rescues me from this idiot!"

"Come on, Morris!" Filch declared. "Sing with me!"

"My name is Lily!"

James had stopped suddenly, Remus and Sirius running into him because they had been too busy playing I-Spy. James, however, didn't budge at being slammed in to. Instead, he had suddenly gained superior hearing and was listening to Filch singing horribly, and then he heard Lily's sweet voice.

"Merlin, does anyone realize I'm out here. I swear, I'll kiss whoever rescues me from this idiot!"

James' heart sang with glee. "I'm coming my dear, sweet Lily-Flower!" he declared, and broke into a run through the forest. Remus and Sirius tried to run after him, but McGonagall tackled them to the ground.

"Stay down and keep quiet, ladies," she warned them. "We're surrounded by the enemy."

Remus and Sirius glanced up to see thousands of bright pink bunnies surrounding them on all sides, ready to gives hugs. Sirius' eye twitched. "So many… hugs." He whimpered softly.

"Rabbits," Remus said, his voice fearful, "breed too much."

The Forbidden Forest echoed with their screams as the bunnies pounced.

Lily was ready to hex the life out of Filch, when he abruptly stopped singing. They both turned when they heard the sound of someone running through the forest, getting closer and closer. Suddenly, they heard a voice scream, "Liiiiiiiilllllllllyyyyyyy!"

The wind was knocked out of her, as someone grabbed her torso and threw her over their back as they continued running. The forest flew by her as her captor ran and Lily felt like she was going to be sick, until her kidnapper suddenly stopped and she went flying into a pile of leaves. She looked up to see James Potter standing over her.

"I saved you from Filch, my beautiful Lily-Flower," he declared proudly. "Now where's my kiss?"

"So, when do you think they're going to let him out?" Sirius asked.

Remus shrugged. "Sometime this weekend, probably. I don't think they want to wait until the effects wear off."

"No, probably not. That'd ruin all the fun, wouldn't it?"

"Yeah," Remus agreed.

They both looked up when the portrait hole opened, admitting Lily Evans. She stormed right over to Sirius and Remus, the two cringing against the wall.

"You two!" she snapped impatiently. "Go see your dumb friend, Potter, and tell him that if he so much as waves his wand in my direction, I'll hex his entire head up his rear end next time!" With that, she stormed back up her to her dormitory.

Remus and Sirius looked at each other with wary eyes.

"Think we should make a run for it?" Sirius asked.

Remus nodded. "I think that would be for the best."

The two quietly rose to their feet and tiptoed toward the portrait hole.

Up in the girl's dormitory, Lily Evans and her three fifth year dorm-mates let out screams of horror. With a last look at each other, Remus and Sirius bolted from the room without a backward glance.

If they had looked, they would have seen Lily throw open the door to the girl's dormitory and appear, covered in brain-sucking blue jelly-blobs.

"JAMES POTTER!" she screamed. "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

Laying in a hospital bed, his nose safely back on his face, James listened to the chorus of Lily's shrieking death-threats. Smirking, he proudly cricked his neck.

"Oh yeah," he said assuredly, "she likes me."