She walks away. She doesn't look back. She can't. She leaves him standing there, watching her go. She is angry, but her rage is slowly diminishing, fading as she walks away from HIM. He, the bane of her existence, the annoying prat, the man who has irritated her since day one, is the very reason for her inner conflict. She can't look. Don't do it. She knows what will happen if she does. Don't do it. She can't look him in the eyes again. His eyes. For a split second they had changed. From teasing and smug, to heartbroken and filled with worlds of pain. They had cracked. If she looks, she won't be able to run away. She is scared. He has the ability to unravel her, to break open her tiny, cosy little world. She is scared. Don't do it.
James Potter is the only man in the school, in her life, in the entire universe, who can make her blood boil in anger. Who can make her toss her rationality aside. Who can make her say things she would never say. He brings out the worst in Lily Evans. He brings out the best in Lily Evans. She knows this. Oh, she knows this with a clarity beyond her years. She is only truly herself around him. She is not afraid when James Potter is around. Yet she is also terrified when he is. This conflict, this internal struggle, is causing her so much grief and pain. It's James Potter. It's James BLOODY Potter.
How, how, how, how, HOW did this happen to her? WHY did this happen to her? She is confused and angry and sorrowful. James Potter is a contradiction. He is arrogant, smug, a troublemaker. But he is also kind, funny, and extremely clever. He is Head Boy. She is Head Girl. Since the year began she has had to face many things about James Potter. She admits that her view on him was biased. He has changed. He's not as cocky anymore, he has toned down his bragging and practical jokes. Of course the Marauders, being the Marauders, have continued doing the pranks and jokes but they have stopped doing the cruel ones. Lily Evans has had to face the fact that even though some of their pranks were cruel, most were in retaliation for what another student had done. Whether it be bullying, harassment, abuse, or more, the Marauders gave them what they deserved. But why, you may ask, is Miss Lily Evans focusing so much on the pranks? How is this struggle at all related with pranks of all things? Well, it's simple really. Those pranks show that the Marauders, that JAMES, has a sense of justice and that they play fair. Well, most of the time anyway. One cannot merely just sweep their grudge on the Slytherins under the rug after all. She knows this. James Potter is slowly becoming clearer, no matter how much she wishes he would stay on the sidelines.
So, Lily Evans walks away. Through the castle, up flights of stairs, down corridors, walking, jogging, running, sprinting. As far away as possible from James Potter and his teasing and his sad, sad eyes. Those eyes. They won't get out of her head. As though they are trying to make her face what is in her heart. She is being pulled in every direction. She can't think properly. She is snapping, snapping, snapping. So she stops. And she thinks. James Potter. The bane of her existence. The one who teases her. The one who gets her all riled up. The one who is fair to her. The one who is not afraid to point out her mistakes, but is the first to stand up for her. The one who has been on the sidelines her whole life in Hogwarts. Now he is centre stage. For two years, he has been front and centre in her life. With his teasing, his witty banter, his smiles, his fighting. He is right there. In front of her. This whole time he has been RIGHT THERE. And she knows it. Deep down, she knows it. She just doesn't want to face it. But she has to. That split second of emotion from his eyes is making her. Making her look deep and find out WHY he does this to her. Why she, Lily Evans, reacts so much to him, James Potter.
James Potter is a Marauder, the Quidditch Captain, the Head Boy. Lily Evans is a contradiction, a rule-abiding student, the Head Girl. He has hazel eyes and black hair that defies gravity. She has emerald eyes and hair of fire. He is her opposite. She is his opposite. He has matured. She has stayed the same. Stuck in this vicious cycle of hiding and denying and burying what is in her own heart. She has to break free. Because someday, he won't be there. Eight months. That's all they have together. Snap. Eight measly months. For her to do something. Snap. For her to figure out her own heart, to stop being such a coward. In eight months, they will separate. Snap. James Potter will no longer be centre stage in her life. Snap. And Lily Evans will no longer be centre stage in his. He will be off doing amazing, incredible things. Helping people. Doing his best to help the outside world. He will be with someone else. Snap. He will forget her. Snap. And this makes her desperate. This thought alone can shatter her heart. If it were to happen, her heart would be dust. She would be a shell. She is snapping, snapping, snapping.
She can't stop. She continues to run, run, run, even when she is gasping for breath. She needs more time. But time is chasing her, reminding her that the strings that tie her to him will be cut. Eight months. Eight months. Eight months. It's like a mantra in her head. Getting louder and louder and louder until she feels as though she will burst. James Potter is in her minds eye. She is snapping, snapping, snapping.
Stop. She waits. She breathes. She sinks to the floor and closes her eyes. She needs him. She needs James bloody Potter. Lily Evans cannot comprehend a life without him. She knows she can live without him. After all, she is strong and independent. But without him, her life will be colourless. He is a splash of colour in her otherwise repetitive life. He brings her to life. He is her everything. It is not a question of can she live without him, it is a question of does she WANT to live without him. The answer is so obvious to her, so clear, she wonders why she didn't come to this conclusion earlier. She wants James Potter. He is her air. He brings adventure and wonder and COLOUR to her world. He is her everything.
She opens her eyes. Lily Evans knows what she has to do. She cannot let him go. He has been waiting. She has been cruel for making him wait. She has to do something. She is finally ready. She is scared. She is terrified. She is a coward. But she is strong. She will survive. She is Head Girl. He is Head Boy. He is her everything. He makes her feel things on an entirely different scope. It feels like she is about to burst. Snap. She needs to find him. Snap. Now before she loses her nerve. Snap. Because something needs to be done. No more silence. No more cowardice. She is ready. She is snapping, snapping, snapping without him. She is about to burst. Snap. He is her everything. She starts walking. Searching. For her everything.