Ron stared at the closed curtains of his bed. He knew he wasn't fair. He knew Harry didn't want to fight dragons. He knew he shouldn't feel like this. But he did. It was like a dark hole in his chest.
And it wasn't something new. It had been there the whole time, always. Sometimes everything was fine. Then he laughed with his friends or made fun with his brothers. But it never stayed, that happy feeling.
Sometimes he didn't even know where it came from but it was suddenly there. That hole. That slightly nauseous feeling in the back of his throat. And nothing would help against it.
If he played quidditch it got even worse. At good moments he would feel amazing thanks to the blissful feeling of the wind through his hair. Now it would just rub in his face how utterly talentless he was. Telling him every wrong movement and how he never would be as good at playing as he wanted to.
Some people say ambition is a good thing. It makes you work to come up higher. But he always thought more of it as a curse. Always wanting to be better. Always wanting to reach higher but hardly ever getting there. Always being jealous at people who did reach it. Always wanting to be in the middle of the attention. But he never was.
His whole chest ached with the feeling of jealousy, self-doubt, insecurity and envy. He knew he wasn't fair or rational and that made him feel worse.
He thought of all the stupid things he had done. Moments he wanted to erase from his life. But he couldn't. And he couldn't even stop making stupid mistakes.
Like last week when he had said something stupid and had hurt 'Mione. Why couldn't he just do things right? But no, he always managed to mess up.
And you know what? His chest still hurt. It had been like this already when he came to Hogwarts, but being constantly around the twins, Harry, Hermione and Draco made it worse.
He had always wanted more than he had. For some reason he couldn't be happy even though he knew he should be.
Or he became mad at his friends because they didn't agree with him. Then he felt left out, hurt and scared. But no one ever noticed how he felt. Everyone just thought he was a stubborn. And then he would loath himself for not being strong like his friends or family.
Often he sought something to give fault and get mad at. Than his friends received the end of his temper for something he wasn't even really mad at. But sometimes he just couldn't stand how mad he was at himself. Then he needed an outlet, anything, to make it hurt less. anything to make the self loathing go away.
But in the end he would just end up pushing his friends away. And he would hate himself for making that mistake again and he would be scared that his friends wouldn't want him back.
It all just hurt so much but there was no one he could talk to. Everyone would just think he was an attention seeking weak drama queen. Why couldn't he just be talented and happy like the others? But he wasn't, he was just Ron.
There were footsteps pounding into the dorm. "Ron!" He heard Harry yell. He sounded excited. "The twins are pulling a prank on Snape in the great hall. Come down fast, maybe you can still see it."
Ron jumped out his bed and ran after Harry down the stairs. The hole in his chest slightly better because Harry came all the way up here to let him enjoy the prank too. Maybe being happy didn't come to him as easy as breathing, and maybe he needed to fight for it. But he would fight and he hoped that there would come a day that he didn't even remember the hole existed. Because happiness is a cause worth fighting for.