He's going to die!
Watching her Harry as he exited Dumbledore's pensieve and started to panic, she felt her chest swell in pure rage and agony. Lily had known of Dumbledore's plan on her son for years now, and while she'd always resented the old man for it, she had thoght she'd finally accepted his resoning. But now… now seeing the look of betrayal and resignation on her baby's face… she couldn't forgive him!
A part of her, the selfish piece of her heart that only beated (metaphorically, of course, what with being dead and all!) for her Harry, hoped that he decided to just let the Wizarding world screw itself.
"Just go away from there!" she wished "Please forget Albus' plans and live. Get away and be happy!"
"You know he won't." a voice behind her reminded gently.
She wanted to cry. Never before had she wanted to cry as much as now.
"I know, Sirius. But I'm not ready to loose hope yet. I just want him to be happy and live. Why shouldn't he have a good life for once?" she finally managed to choke out.
"Because he's too much like you and James."
Lily turned back to watch her son. It was too soon. He was so young, not yet eighteen. Even James and she had had more time.
She wanted him to experience love in all its glory, the joy of waiting at the altar for his chosen bride, say and hear those 'yes'es that would bind his life with that of his lover. She longed for him to know the overwhelming protectiveness and tenderness holding a son caused. He deserved. He so deserved it after everything he'd lived through.
"Don't despair, my love." her James murmured in her ear, embracing her with his warmth "He will not be dead for long. And then, with Voldemort gone, he'll be free to do whatever he wants."
"But it's not certain that he'll survive. What if the Horcrux is too entwined with his soul by now? Or if he chooses not to go back? What if he's so tired that he gives in?"
She hated herself for the pain her words brought in her James' eyes. But she was so scared.
Her husband visibly pushed his own heartache away for her sake. Her sweet, attentive love!
"Then we'll be there for his passing and we'll never let go of him again, darling."
"And we'll make sure that his eternity is filled with joy and laughter, won't we?" Sirius piped in with a determined look.
A curse from Remus brought their attention to Earth again.
"He choose to go to Him." whispered James.
Her baby, her sweet little child. Why did he have to be so selfless?
And why was she so proud of him? Oh, God, she was a monster! What kind of mother could be proud of their son deciding to end himself?
She wanted to scream at him, berate him for his action, but…
A part of her, the one who had believed in everything the Order of the Phoenix stood for and had fought the Death Eaters with all herself, couldn't help but be amazed by her Harry's strenght. It took so much courage to walk to an Avada Kedavra like he was doing. Her own sacrifice had asked for less determination. It had been too simple a choice: let Voldemort kill her only child or put herself in the middle. You see? No choice at all! Just pure istinct. Hers had been an authomatic reaction, spurred by the moment and so very quick. She didn't have to suffer the waiting, the cold and unforgiving knowledge of imminent death.
Harry was so strong, so very very brave and selfless and… and idiotic!
If he really died she would arangue him for the next four or five centuries at the very least. She would hug him so firmly that it would take him a millennium to leave her arms.
"It's almost the end, darling. Then no matter the outcome, we'll be together and free to scream and prank Albus for all his worth."
Sirius scoffed "The blasted coward! He's so scared of you, Lils, that he's managed to evade us for almost a year."
She hissed "The bastard knows I'll kill him again when I see him, I'll blast him out of existence mark my word. Can you believe the nerve of that man? He has so many things to answer to! Of course he doesn't have the decency of confronting us!"
"Yes, we have a looong discussion ahead of us with dear Albus." iced out her James.
Oh yes, darling Dumbles was in so much trouble. They had followed their baby all his life and they had not been happy about a lot of decision regarding his life.
They'd both been furious to see that the old coot had left their injured, just orphaned baby on Petunia's doorstep. And in november to boot! Yes, okay, he'd been in a magically heated quilt, but still he was fifteen months old for Christ's sake! What if he had woken up and started to toddle around? He would have been so scared and confused! Her only child left to rot all alone like a bottle of spoiled milk… just thinking on it made her grit her teeth in fury.
And don't get her start on the fucking treatment her most beloved sister had heaped on him, that absolute cow! Oh, but her just retribution would come, Lily had all eternity to make Petunia suffer. She only had to wait for her to kick the bucket (and didn't she hope it would be a painfull and gruesome affair!).
But going back on her first target, did the wise, omniscent (in his dreams) headmaster ever check up on her sweet little deer to make sure her baby was alright? Nooo, of course not, he put a demented, half blind squib in Privet Drive instead. The negligent moron!
After all that, and it's not like it wouldn't have been enought, ehn?, there were all those charming instances at Hogwarts in wich her Harry had been pushed toward danger. Safest place on earth, her dainty little foot! Why had she been alive her hair would have gone white by the end of Harry's first year!
Of all the asinine, idiotic, dunderheaded, hairbrained, criminal ideas who put the Philosopher Stone, a cerberus and all other nasty tricks in a school full of children? God, Albus would have deserved the Dementor's Kiss for that stunt alone!
Don't get her wrong she knew Albus meant well, and could emphatize with all the stress and responsabilieties he was under. It had to be given to him that his schemes had actually managed to stump Quirrelmort for nine months. And to be fair part of the blame actually was with her son and his friends, who were incredibly brilliant for their age, but still. Nobody could fault her for feeling helpless and just a tad vengefully pissed at seeing her offspring risk his precious life without a by your leave when every other kid would have been spanked so hard that his great-great-great-great-great-great-grandchildren would have problems sitting!
A strong pull interrupted her internal rant and she felt herself being dragged toward Earth. Her harry needed her. He had summoned james, Sirius, Remus and her. He really was going all the way with Albus' plan.
She didn't want to look at her son dying. She wasn't strong enough for that!
"Lils. Harry needs our complete support and approval in this."
"I know, James!"
She really knew and wasn't so heartless that she would tell her baby it was a horrible idea.
Lily wanted to be alive again so she could put herself between Harry and Voldemort another time. Were it possible she would die for him all over again. Over and over if necessary!
Still, she pushed her agony in the most remote corner of her heart and stamped a smile on her lips. She wouldn't let her fears ruin the first time in sixteen years that she could talk to her Harry. There were so many things she wished to convey him. How much she had missed him. How they had always been with him, trying to lend him strenght. How deeply, completely and desperatly they… she loved and cherished him.
Oh, there he was. So beautiful and grown up while at the same time so young and scared. She wanted to touch him, she needed to caress his cheek and ruffle his hair and kiss his brow! She was so intent on drinking every detail of him that she was unaware of words exchanged: his, theirs, hers…
'God, please let him live! Grant him a miracle, I'll do anything!' she prayed.
Nothing right now mattered more than her son's eyes, so expressive and haunted. The fear in them made her sure that in that same moment they were a perfect mirror of her own!
"Does it hurt?" that tentative question brought her to a complete halt.
"Dying? No it's easier than falling asleep."
'Liar! It will break your heart forevermore leaving your loved ones behind, being unable to reach or help them for years upon years!' she screamed inside her mind.
But Sirius' words made her Harry's eyes shine again with hope, love and newfound determination so she could forgive his lie.
Now they could only promise to be with him untill the end (as if they would have done otherwise!) and assure him of their love (so much love just for him!).
When that blasted/blessed Stone slipped away from his finger it became incredibly hard for them to follow him and linger on earth instead of being sucked away in the afterlife, but they had to persist. For him! To give him every bit of confort they could.
Oh God, he was in front of Voldemort, now!
"I can't look!" wailed her James, covering his eyes with trembling fingers.
"We need to!" she told him sharply "We've been looking after him all his life, we're not giving up now, my James!"
James met her gaze but for an istant before focusing right back on their son again. "And we did promise him. Sorry Lils, you're right."
She squeezed his hand and stopped blinking, too afraid of loosing even one millisecond of Harry's last moments.
When the green curse hit her baby's chest she was sure she just stopped existing.
It was probably James' hand in her that brought her back and made her realize they were back in the spirit world. She looked around frantically.
"Where is my baby? What happened? Why aren't we at the crossroad to welcome him?"
"Albus went himself, Lily." a soft, almost forgotten voice answered her.
There he was. Her first friend, the first man who fell in love with her, the first who broke her heart, the one she abandoned for pride, the one who caused their death and regretted it for years, punishining himself for the rest of his life. The one who tormented and protected her son. 'Till his very last breath.
She hugged him, and he went rigid in shock. He had probably expected her to punch him. He did know her temper.
"Now is not the time, Sev." she told him. They would have all the time to catch up. And they both had to apologize and forgive the other for a lot of things.
But now she needed to know what was happening to Harry. She started pacing and focused her gaze back to where Harry and Voldemort were passed out? Dead?
"He's gone back!" Albus appared before them with a smile and his hellish eye twinkle "He lives, you must be so proud of him, my boys."
Lily laughed and launched herself at her husband. Harry was alive! Thank you, God!
"Now he only needs to kill Tom for good! Oh, look they're moving toward Hogward!" continued Albus with a happy chirrup. The inflated turkey he was!
James, Sirius and Severus all took a couple of steps away from her. Oh, the growl had come from her. He-he! Well, the utter nerve of that demented crone, speaking so carelessly about dueling Voldemort. I mean, it's not like he had fifty years of magical knowledge and dueling practice on her baby boy. And she just knew who had put that idea in her baby's head. Damn it all! Now that the horcruxes were gone, couldn't her baby relax and let the trice be damned Aurors do their job?
"He has steel balls, Harrykins, making them believe that he's dead." murmured Fred Weasly to Remus and Tonks "Ron, Herms and Gin-Gin will slap him silly for it. And mum won't let him out of her sight for months!"
"If he were to get up in the middle of the death Eaters he would only get a douzen of AKs to the head." explained Remus, but they all winced at the despair Harry's apparent death caused to their family and friends.
In what felt like a couple of minutes Harry was dueling Voldemort and scaring him half to death with his mere presence. Shit, didn't that fill Lily with pride? Ha! Look at that: the big bad Dark Lord cowering at the presence of her seventeen years old boy! She would so boast and brag about that for all time!
Finally it was over. Over!
She felt so relieved, so happy that she surely had gone even more inconsistent with how light she was now that all the worry and fear had evaporated from her shoulders.
On her left Albus was trying to inconspicuosly sneak away, but she couldn't let that happen, could she?
"Don't think you can just go back hiding from us, Albus! We need to a have a long discussion in the next millennium or two."
He paled and folded on himself in shame and winced when he noticed the diabolical grins spreading on James and Sirius' expressions.
Uhm, yes. Her baby was alive and all was well under the sun. She could let her James and Sirius have their fun with the headmaster before giving him the final kick. But now they had a party to organize!