A Very Wheezy Night

You stumble along the corridor in the dark. You're starving.
"Dammit," you grumble inwardly. "I should have eaten dinner."

Clutching your growling stomach, you wish you could light your wand. Yet, you decide against it. The imminent danger of running into someone is too great. No, you rely on the faint moonlight emanating from the windows. Your eyes have adjusted well to the darkness - well enough that you can see the beautiful bowl of fruit glowing a few steps ahead of you.

Your heart thudding, you think about the day's events. No, you don't want to do that. It was painful and embarrassing. You were only trying to help, but you ended up looking like a joke. It wasn't your fault that you wanted your two best friends to end up together. After all, the sexual tension between them is practically tangible. And where do they keep disappearing to between lessons, Ron practically dragging Hermione behind him!? You were only trying to make them happier in a world where the threat of Voldemort extinguishes every other hope.

Angry tears prick your eyes. All you did was tell Ron that Hermione likes him, and tell Hermione that Ron likes her. That trick ALWAYS works. You've never failed before! They weren't supposed to discuss that with each other. Since when does Ron like to directly confront people?

A hot blush creeps up your cheeks. You try not to think about when you walked through the portrait hole to find them before dinner only to see them standing right in front of you.

"Um," said Hermione in a tone that fought back laughter. "Let's make something clear. Ron and I just talked about what you told both of us and-" 

"It's okay, Hermione," Ron choked out, staring at you as if you'd sprouted an extra head. "She might have just been mistaken, right? I mean it's obviously not true, right?"

"Of course not!" laughed Hermione. "Why would you think that? Actually it's all your fault Ron. You should have just told her the truth about why we're always sneaking to the kit-"

"NO!" yelled Ron. "Are you mad!?"

"I'm sure she would understand." said Hermione, now laughing loudly now. In fact, she was laughing so hard that she was doubling up. "You see, Ron is-"

"SHUT UP HERMIONE!" Ron shouted, his face as red as his hair.
Hermione continues smirking, but you've had enough. You run upstairs, ignoring their calls, and bury your head in your pillow.

"Fine, don't tell me. Laugh at me for making a mistake. See if I care," you think angrily.

As you look at the bowl of fruit in front of you, hunger overpowers fear.

You reach out and tickle the pear. It begins to giggle and turns into a door handle. You seize the handle, open the door, and step into the kitchen, practically tasting the food that is awaiting you with every step.

You hear a moan and stop dead.

"Oh you're so amazing," the voice purrs. "I wish we could have started doing this way earlier."

The voice is Ron's. And you didn't hear Hermione come up to bed either.

Grasped by a sudden recklessness, you feel the need to embarrass them just as much as they embarrassed you. They lied! This is where they've been sneaking off to! It's time to catch them in the act!

"LUMOS!" you cry out!

A sudden burst of wand light falls upon Ron. Your jaw drops as you see that he is naked save for what looks like a necklace made of socks knotted together.

"What are you doing here!" Ron manages to choke out in horrified tones. "No don't-"

But his denial is interrupted by a minuscule figure strolling into view -dressed in a green dress that has been hoisted to waist level, a fox fur scarf, and a hat topped with a vulture, with a leather whip and a can of whipped cream in each hand.

"Ronald Weasley sir, thank you sir, I knew sir would be as amazing as Harry Potter always describes! Dobby is honored to have pleased you in every way."

You faint.