Chapter 4 The Fear Landscape & more
For more than an hour I watch the other initiates face their fears, running and jumping and aiming invisible guns and, in some cases, lying face down on the floor, sobbing. Sometimes I get a sense of what they see, of the crawling, creeping fears that torment them, but most of the time the villains they're warding off are private ones, known only to them and Amar.
I stay near the back of the room, shrinking down every time he calls on the next person. But then I'm the last one in the room, and Tobias is just finishing, pulled out of his fear landscape when he's crouching against the back wall, his head in his hands. He stands, looking worn, and shuffles out of the room without waiting for Amar to dismiss him. He glances at the last syringe on the table, then at me.
"Just you and me, Stiff," he says. "Come on, let's get this over with."
I stand in front of him. I barely feel the needle go in; I've never had a problem with shots, though some of the other initiates got teary-eyed before the injection. I walk into the next room and face the window which looks like a mirror on this side. In the moment before the simulation takes effect, I can see myself the way the others must have seen me, slouched and buried in fabric, tall and bony and bleeding. I try to straighten up, and I'm surprised by the difference it makes, surprised by the shadow of strength I see in myself right before the room disappears.
I look and see Tobias there in front of me with a blank expression on his face. " Tobias what are you doing here?" he walks up to me like he is going to attack me. " I'm so sick and tried of you, you know that you complain and wine and all was think I have your back you scary ass bitch!" This can't be happening he has been my best friend since we were one years old. Wait?! This cant be real he would never do that to me. Could he? "Tobias I don't know what the fuck is your problem but you better fix it 'cause I did nothing to you so calm down." I snap back. He walks up to me and whisper " And what if I don't ?" " Then you will be sorry." I say to him like I just spit venom at him. Then darkness im back in the fear landscape.
I see Amar with a smrik on his face. "What?" i said ""That's it?" he says. "That's all there is? God, Stiff but there are good news and bad news." he says "What's the bad news?" "The bad news is you were aware during the simulation." "What's the good news then?" "You broke two Dauntless recoreds. One for the least amount of fears which is one. Plus you did it in the short period of time 2 minuties and 35 seconds. Come on let get so food.
When we get to the dining hall we see everyone there all ready. "You all made it out alive," Amar says. "Congratulations. You made it through the first day of initiation, with varying degrees of success." He looks at Eric. "None of you did as well as Four and one over here, though." He points at me and Tobias as he speaks. I frown-four? one? Is he talking about our fears? "Hey, Tori," Amar calls over his shoulder. "You ever hear of anyone having only one or four fears in their fear landscape?"
"Last I heard, the record was seven or eight. Why?" Tori calls back. "I've got a transfer over here with only four fears. And another with only one fear. " Tori points at me and Tobias, and Amar nods. "That's gotta be a new record," Tori says. "Well done," Amar says to Tobias and me. Then he turns and walks toward Tori's table.
I have four fears but Angel has One. How is that possible? 'well, it was impossible to only have four' a voice in my head says. but her case is different. Then I see Eric looking at me. "What's your real name, again? Starts with an E . . . ?" Eric asks me, narrowing his eyes. Like he knows something but isn't sure that now is the time to share it.
The others might remember my name too, vaguely, from the Choosing Ceremony, the way I remember theirs-just letters in an alphabet, buried under a nervous haze as I anticipated my own choice. If I strike at their memories now, as hard as I can, become as memorable as my Dauntless self as possible, I can maybe save myself. I hesitate for a moment, then put my elbows on the table and raise an eyebrow at him. "My name is Four," I say. "Call me 'Stiff' again and you and I will have a problem."
He rolls his eyes, but I know I've made myself clear. I have a new name, which means I can be a new person. Someone who doesn't put up with cutting comments from Erudite know-it-alls. Someone who can cut back. Someone who's finally ready to fight. Four.
Angel or should I say One sits next to me. " well four you only have four fears?" she says "yep" I reply "let me guess Heights, Small spaces, taking someone's life and..." She lower her voice so only I can hear " Your dad." she says. "Yes it is, how did you know?" I asked her. how does she know. " Because I'm your best friend silly and Amar told me about the killing part I already knew the other three fears." Well that is true. Wait why did Amar tell her.
"So what about you was your fear what was it?" I asked her. She takes a deep breath and says I a low voice " Being alone and forgotten." she replies. " What, do you mean?" I say looking confused. " I mean people just leaving me saying they never liked me I'm a bitch, go to hell just stuff like that. "Oh you know I'll NEVER EVER leave you right." I responded and entwining my fingers with hers. I'm falling for Angel. No I cant she is my best friend, my sister I known her for forever. Plus, she may not feel the same way I do. But I can't stop staring at her. She has long dark long hair that frames her chocolate colored face. Her big beautiful brown almost black eyes that can kill but you just can't look way from them. And don't get me started on her body she don't have her mom's figure at all. She has long legs that are slim and her hips and thighs are just the right size and curves perfectly. Her torso is small and fit and her... Wait no I cant think like that about her like that.
"Four are you ok?" she says. "yes I was think about something." I reply. " Do you want to talk about it?" she say in a low and seductive voice. I stare at her again and thoughts come back then they stop when I hear laughing. she was laughing. " I just kidding Geez you should have seen your face but the talking part was true." she said while she trying to stop laughing. " No I'm ok" I say.
"Come on I want you to come with me." she says while standing up. "Where?" "to the Tattoo shop come on." and we walk over to tori. she whisper something in tori's ear and she nods. "Come on lets go." tori says. When we get there it's filled with so many awesome tattoos drawing that its art. " come and sit on my chair." she says to One. "I want this" One says and points at a drawing that I cant see. One minute later I see One taking her shirt off. Her back is facing me and I see her scars and I forget about her body and concern comes over me. I walk up to her a touch her three scars she tenses and then she realizes it me she becomes calm once again. "When where you going to tell me she cuts you?" I say with a hint of anger " I was but you already worry about me to much Four."
She is right I do because I know what she is going though. "I know I do but its beca-" She cuts me off "Can we talk about this later please?" "Fine" I say. Then tori gets started. When she Is almost done I see it's a snake wrapping around her back and torso. " Four can you help me?" Tori says I walk up to her. "Can you wrap the tattoo so it wont mess up?" "Ok" I get the cloth and sterilize it first as I'm doing it I feel her smooth skin and I tried it control myself. I see she is trying to also and I smile knowing that she feels the same way.
When tori gets to One's upper rib she stops. " you have to take off your bra." One face freezes and looks at me. I turn so she doesn't see me blush. "Its ok I will do the rest thanks" I go to sit down and wait. 20 minute later One calls me back. "What do you think?." I look at the tattoo and it awesome. I look closely there are fears on the snake's back and on the head of the snake it has the roman numeral number 1. " Its amazing tori great job" "Hey its what I do. You will be able to take off the bandages tomorrow" she replies. And me and One walks back to the dorm room on are way there One stops. " What happen?" " she looks at me and pulls me closer to her and kisses me. I freeze then start to kiss her back. it becomes a sweet and soft kiss then she traces her tongue on my bottom lip asking for entrée and we start battling for dominance. I put my hands on her hips and pull her closer and she snakes her arms around my neck. We break apart for air and she hugs me. " I love you I always have since you held me when my mom first turned abusive." she loves me. "I love too" and we held each other tell it was curfew.