Chapter 11-I can't do it
Unconscious. Or as Helen had put it, a light coma. Unconscious sounded better, it didn't make my hands stop shaking, but it sounded less serious. Less real. It had been four days so far, and nothing. He was stable, but that was it. Helen had told me that the bullet hit just centimeters from his heart…Just a hair's breath to the left and…
I shook my head, he was ok, I needed to remember that. Though I knew I couldn't focus on simply the good part, on simply the fact that he was still breathing, no, my brain would forever see the bad. What if it hadn't missed? What if the bullet hadn't been off?
What if he would have-. What if I would have lost him?
That thought was enough to cause the bile to rise in my throat once more, and I found myself rushing for the bathroom. How many times had I done this? How many times did I worry myself until I actually got sick? I hated it, I hated this feeling, this was what I ran from for so long.
I knew this wasn't healthy, that each day I was losing a bit of my sanity. I knew what I had to do, something that I had done all my life, and yet, at this moment seemed like the hardest thing in the world. But I knew I had to, for both of us. This time it was to save his sister, but I knew he would have jumped in front of that bullet for me as well, and I couldn't live with that.
Standing, and washing up, I exited the bathroom…But I didn't return to the chair beside him which I had sat in for the past four days. I needed to calm myself…To harden myself again. Stepping out of the room, and making my way to the main room, I was greeted by only Natasha.
"Hey" She spoke, offering me a small smile.
"Hey" I replied, only then realizing how hoarse the crying had made my voice. We both sat like that, silence overtaking the room. The quiet was only broken when Natasha sat a bowel of fruit down in front of me, taking the seat to my side.
"You need to eat something" She stated, I nodded, and began nibbling on a strawberry. I didn't feel like eating, I felt like I needed to rewind time, to tell my parents the truth and never start this whole thing with Pietro. My parents had been there to comfort me, telling me it was going to be ok, that he was going to be ok, but even my mother's kind words couldn't stop this feeling growing inside of me.
"I wish I hadn't started this" I sighed, catching Natasha's attention.
"No you don't" she spoke softly
"Yes I do, if I hadn't-"I started, but couldn't finish, my words making me feel selfish.
"If you hadn't what? You wouldn't be as worried as you are now?" She asked, turning towards me.
"Ellie, I have known you for awhile now, and never once have I seen you happy, truly happy, until your family came and you had to play house with Pietro" She added, her hand resting on my shoulder. She was right, I had dated sure, but I had never been happy, not until Pietro.
"That's what's wrong" I whispered, tears forming in my eyes.
"Why is happiness wrong?" she asked
"Because it doesn't last, it never does" I stated
"You don't know that" she replied sternly.
"Yes I do, in the start it's wonderful, but then years later you start hating each other to the point that one of you has enough and leaves. Everyone leaves Nat…They always leave. No matter how much you beg them…No matter if they promise…They leave."
"And it hurts. It hurts so damn much that the only choice you have is to put walls up, to protect yourself from the inevitable….And you know what hurts the most?" I asked, looking at her, tears sliding down my cheeks.
"When you trusted them. When you loved them" I stated, my eyes widening a bit as my own words sunk in.
"I think that says a lot" she spoke.
"-I almost lost him Nat. And it hurts so much"
"I know sweety" she replied, rubbing my back.
"I can't do it" I cried.
"I can't take this pain. If this is love, God Natasha I don't want any part of it"
"What are you going to do?" She asked
"The only thing I know how to do. My walls are down too far Nat, I can't live like this"
"I just hope putting them back up is the right thing to do" she sighed.