When You Cried
And oh how he screamed.
Sirius never did anything wrong. Not really, in your eyes. But he could never do any wrong in your eyes. He was your brother and your hero and your friend. And you loved him. But he was the heir, and certain things were expected of the heir.
And so you sat – lay really – on his bed. Cuddling into his pillow, trying to pretend he was here, hugging you. But he wasn't and that was the problem. He was there. He was there because he's careless and because Father and Mother are mean and because Cissy is just being silly. It's not like having blue hair is even all that bad and Sirius just thought it would be funny.
Mother didn't. And she made sure that Sirius knew about it. About how he is besmirching his name and he is the heir and by merlin Sirius- son of Lucifer himself, can't you have some decorum?
It hurt you to hear those words. It never hurt Sirius but you supposed it couldn't have after all that time. He was used to it.
Father said nothing. He often said nothing. Always opting for toxic silence and a beating.
And that's where he was. You never knew if Father used his hands or his wand or god forbid one of those ancient, horrific relics that stayed locked in large, dark cabinets in his study. But you knew it hurt. And you hated it.
And you hated it years later when the same thing was happening.
You weren't crying any more because you were older and because Sirius' screams were quieter. He was used to it by now.
But when he dragged himself up to his room, sunken and wasted, finding you on his bed you'd probably cry. And he'd always hug you, as if you were the one in need of it. And he would hold you and whisper safety and security into your hair and you would hold on so desperately to his words. Because you both needed them. Too much.
Tears leaked out of your eyes and were swept backwards towards your ears. It was too cold to be playing outside but you did it anyway. And you remember this well.
You chased him on your broomstick and around the back garden. He was much faster than you even when he was going slowly so you could almost catch him.
He dipped and dived ahead of you and you followed him at every turn, pretending to retrieve the quaffle from under his arm but really you just wanted to copy him. You wanted to follow his precious movements and his stunning shifts. And he let you because it was fun and because he seemed to love the gleeful laugh that the wind ripped from your mouth.
You cried when the man came to take his trunk away so that he could board the train. You were sad because you knew you'd miss him but you were oh so happy because he was doing it. He was going to all the wonderful places that Hogwarts and Slytherin would bring him and he'd be happy. You didn't cry much in case Mother saw but he did. Sirius saw the tear that slipped from your eye and he bent close to you.
"Two years. That's all Reg and then I get to show you around the common room and the grounds. You can meet all my friends and I can meet all of yours."
You continued to look sadly at him, as if this was the last time you'd ever see him.
"And you know what else? Quidditch. We can play all the time. We'll be on the team together!"
And straight away your smile was big and your eyes were bright and your world was happy. Because of Sirius.
You wanted to cry when Mother shouted. She ranted and raved and Father sat. And he listened to her words as if none of them bored him but never exchanging them for ones of his own. Always silent and deadly.
How could Sirius be so stupid? Gryffindor?
Almost immediately you knew you wouldn't get to be together. Not as friends or brothers or as team mates. Quidditch team mates.
He promised and you cried. And you knew that when he came home for Christmas Mother would greet him with a sharp tongue and Father would address him with an iron fist.
He grew up and they changed him. He changed. He'd answer back and seek arguments. He'd where his red banner against his lion heart and fought Mother daily. He no longer played Quidditch with you. Or anything with you. He talked to his new brother on that stupid mirror and you tried to hate the boy with dark skin and messy hair but you couldn't because he was funny and he made Siri laugh. He didn't hold you when you cried and you hadn't heard his safety and security in years.
You always knew he was a lion but he was roaring too loud and soon the snake would bite. And then it bit.
You'd return to the train every holiday with him and people would whisper about his black eye and yellowish brow bone. He'd wear them sullenly with straight shoulders and grey eyes.
His eyes were getting heavier. They were getting colder and you weren't really sure if he was even your brother any more.
But you were hardly his. You never stood up for him or even agreed with him. You were scared of the lion and you tried to make him your Sirius again. And maybe that's why it happened.
His new brother – James – was having a fight with Severus. It could have been about the mudblood or Quidditch. Or anything, you didn't care but Severus was your friend and you tried to help him.
"What you doing Reg?" He asked and you knew he knew. And suddenly you were angry with him. You were angry he had a new brother and a new home. You were angry he was so happy and he left you behind. Why couldn't he just be happy with you? You weren't good enough any more.
"Why don't you just go back to your blood traitor friends?"
You couldn't hear the collective stilling and gasp of everyone around over his silence. Father's toxic silence. You saw his fists clench and his grey eyes storm black and you waited for the beating, not quite believing it would come.
"Fuck you, Brother" And the beating came, much harsher than anything Father could have done. That's all you were now. Brother. The same impersonal distance that plagued your relationship with Mother and Father had dripped between you two too.
And that night you cried.
From your vantage point at the top of the stairs you could see them shouting. Mother and Sirius were shouting and it was bad.
"You filth! You let them touch you! Have I taught you nothing? HAVE WE TAUGHT YOU NOTHING?!"
"Oh I did a lot more than let them touch me. I touched them back Mother! I fucked a half-breed and it. Felt. Good." Sirius' voice was menacingly smug as it floated up to you. It reminded you Bella's loud aristocracy, a sort of demanding boredom that only Black's could achieve. And Sirius had mastered it.
Mother swelled with a hot-red anger that truly uglied her. "YOU FILTH! YOU ARE NO SON OF MINE. YOU OBSCENE- YOU VULGURE- I'LL CURSE YOU WITHIN AN INCH OF YOUR LIFE!" Father had already done it. Sirius was currently sporting a black welt that covered one half of his face. His lip was split and he was hunched over with re-broken ribs. "I'LL BEAT THE SCUM OFF YOU. YOU CAN'T- YOU WON'T-"
It was the first word you had heard Father speak in months. And it was terrifying. The silence that one word left in its wake was deafening. Sirius flinched when he looked into the black eyes standing in the doorway of the kitchen. Father was tall and muscular and trim under his suit. Not a hair out of place and it was spine-chilling. Mother's eyes went wide and you knew she was afraid of the ominous figure in the doorway.
With a tumbler grasped at his side, Father opened his mouth again. "GET OUT!" He closed the space between him and Sirius, grasped your brother by the throat and threw him at the front door. And Mother screamed. And Sirius trembled. And you cried.
Years passed and not a single tear fell from your eye. You were scared, yes. Especially when people talked of him.
The Dark Lord.
Terrible and great but not enough to make you cry. Nothing was. And so your life turned into a book too long. Forever turning the page, finding that you couldn't cry for anyone but Sirius.
And then the Inferi claimed you. And you cried in anguish and relief. The beauty of desperation, and the veil.
And you watched him.
You waited at the archway everyday. People joined your non-existence everyday but it was never the right people and you thanked the Gods for that each day because if the right person fell through the veil, it would be him, and you'd never forgive yourself.
And so you watched him. Willing him to escape your fate, knowing that whatever effort you gave, it would prove futile in war. But you willed all the same.
He came. He killed and he left an orphan behind him. He took Sirius' family and happiness. So you willed.
No Sirius. Please no. Don't go after the rat. Please.
He couldn't hear you. You watched the tears fall from his eyes as he screamed at the rat. And you watched him, surrounded by bodies, laughing.
Your making it worse for yourself Sirius. Please don't.
You watched him get strapped to a boat and sailed to Azkaban. Not a tear leaked from his eyes. No glossy shine of unshed melancholy. He was dead before he set foot in the prison.
You didn't watch him two days later because you watched her. Bella. The cousin that scared you. She smiled sweetly at Sirius upon passing his cell. Rodolphus looked at him with a deadened pity. And nothing else happened.
That night you listened to Bella's screams.
You watched him break out. It was years later. And you were too stunned to will him anything until he stopped. The grim stopped outside a cell and Bella's shell looked up at him with wide, spiritless eyes. And she knew.
You didn't know whether to will him to stay or to go.
He went. He found a small flame, a flame that paled in comparison to what used to be a bonfire burning behind his eyes, but it was a flame. It was the boy.
And suddenly that boy meant the world to you. So you continued to will Sirius life.
Don't break into the school. They'll catch you.
C'mon Sirius, do you really think standing over children with a knife is a good idea?
Please Sirius. What good can come of you killing the rat with no explanation?
Don't run away from home again Sirius. Please.
No leaving home is not a good idea. The boy will be fine at the ministry.
No Sirius. Don't duel Bellatrix. Please.
For the first time that day, the veil fluttered in front of you and 21 year old man fell through. You caught him before he hit the ground. And you cried.
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