Why you should never leave your food unattended

It could happen to anyone, honest! It was just a coincidence that it was the Doctor running for his life from a giant man eating (or Time-Lord eating as circumstances dictate) monster evolved from old half eaten Chinese food.

It was just a coincidence that the reason it turned into a Time-Lord eating monster is because in the three hundred years of sitting in that room, the nature of the TARDIS, The Vortex and time travel accelerated its mutations.

It was just a coincidence that as it was the Doctors half-finished food to start with it had mixtures of his saliva and DNA and so enabled the mutations to happen.

It was just a coincidence that the Doctor, in all his time of travel had never once bothered to create some sort of navigator (just call it a map damn it!) for the TARDIS, despite the fact that over the course of his relationship with the TARDIS, he still got lost several times a relative year. This being considered, it really was all his fault he was running lost through the TARDIS like a headless chicken.

But the rest could happen to anyone, honest!

To actually be honest, it probably was his fault. It couldn’t happen to just anyone, you had to be a particular brand of insanely unlucky and that brand was called TIME-LORD, and since he was the last (to his knowledge) it really could only happen to him (any Time-Lord eating Chinese food would be far too scared of River for anything to ever happen to her; sometimes the Doctor really loved his wife)

But to get back to the running, and the trying not to die.

The Doctor, in all his infinite wisdom had decided to explore. Things always went wrong when he decided to explore. Never the less he tweaked his bowtie and set off on an adventure! The world he was on, as it happened, was rather boring. Not once did he encounter an interesting personality, or a juicy bit of gossip, or a satisfying life story. Even the shops were boring; the economy had collapsed and the goods were nothing better than what could have been found at one of those dodgy service stations, on a road that no one travels, that have the woods next to them, where the ten year old bodies are always found. It was not a fun place to be.

“I guess it’s just you and me then, eh girl?” The Doctor spoke to the TARDIS; she gave a sympathetic ‘bong’ in response to his disappointment, she knew he wasn’t disappointed in her, or that he would have to spend time with her – but she knew how much he loved interesting people and places.

“I know, thank you, it really does mean a lot. I think I might just take a stroll around, it’s been a little while since I’ve visited all your rooms, in fact, I don’t think that I’ve even visited all of them in your latest form.” The Doctor told the TARDIS.

The TARDIS of course, thought this was a terrible idea – a terribly amusing idea that is – the Doctor, ALWAYS got lost despite the fact there was always a map at his disposal: Well, it was more of a manual of the changes to the TARDIS each time she evolved – it also included a guide at how to pilot her. She was glad the Doctor didn’t need that, he flew her with his hearts and soul, she wouldn’t have it any other way – but he did need a map! And it was situated in her bottom draw! (The one in the second office space behind the trap daw under the console) Because the Doctor was such an idiotic genius, she always let him get up to his mischief – she would never let anything bad happen to him, she loved him too much (ever since he rescued her – more like swept her off her feet and stole her away) and he understood her completely – they had been together always (of course she did get grouchy when she was ill, but then, so does everyone) so when he got into too much danger (from things he had let loose in her catacombs) she kicked in the perception filter and made sure he took the shortcuts back to the primary console.

But back to the point – he was exploring (although he didn’t need to, it was always fun, and he didn’t actually know he didn’t need to because he was a dumb dumb).

“Wow, Sexy – you are looking mighty fine today. Every time, you just get better and better. Oh look, the library is next to the bathroom this time! How convenient! Oh! Yes! My Bedroom is right next to the Primary Console Room! Where are the guest rooms Sexy?” The Doctor jabbered on to himself. The TARDIS replied in a series of ‘bong’s.

“Ah, of course! Thank - You - SEXY!” The Doctor shouted as he went on his way to find the main guest quarters. The TARDIS watched him through the corridor cameras as he flounced down them – she sighed to herself as he managed to skid round a corner and straight into a door that was in the alcove.

“Fantastic! A door! Love those! A swimming pool! – brilliant!”

Really, she loved her Doctor, but if she had a face, she would be palming it right now in response to his enthusiasm at every. Little. Thing! Of course, she was still happy that it was her who was ever the subject of her Doctors enthusiasm – enthusiasm for doors was the TARDIS equivalent of people noticing cute dimples, beauty marks and freckles.

Of course, she wasn’t the only one who had the pleasure of being the centre of The Doctors affections – River Song also had that privilege. The TARDIS didn’t mind River shared her Doctor’s love, River was a brilliant woman who also loved and cared for the TARDIS nearly as much as her Doctor, despite the lack of shared history. The TARDIS just hoped River realised that her relationship with the Doctor was not monogamous, River would just have to understand the fact that the TARDIS and Doctor were in it together – she would just have to be cool with being in a three-way with a TARDIS.

While she was pondering, dials spinning and lights sparking, the Doctor was opening doors and skipping down hallways. Her attention however was brought back to the Doctor when he let out a surprised whelp. He had found the fourth study. The one where the Mutated, Time-Lord Eating, Three-Hundred Year Old, Chinese Food was. Just his Time-Lord luck.

“Oh, and what are you? I didn’t know I had any alien life on board. Usually it comes up on the diagnostic sweeps. Hmm, let’s see – nine feet tall, mild orange complexion, lumpy – oh I’m sorry, does that offend you? I’m normally better with unfamiliar life forms… although, I once did call that Xian dotty and ended up sentenced to death – although I guess she may have thought I meant scatter-brained when I said dotty; though to be perfectly honest she was a bit, but no, she just had polka dots is all, but insulting the emperor was just unlucky; how about that! It was actually the first species that had a female emperor, she wasn’t an empress, she was an actual emperor, though what the difference is between an empress and a female emperor is, I don’t know, didn’t hang around long enough to find out – death sentence and all… where was I? Oh yeah, I’m sorry if I offended you, I didn’t mean anything by it – I’m just trying to work out what species you were, I personally think being lumpy is a brilliant thing…. Oh, don’t like being called lumpy? Um… okay I won’t; call you lumpy that it… I really have to stop saying lumpy, but I’ve forgotten all the synonyms for it. Seriously, I only want to get to know you! Umm, you’re scaring me a bit now though so….” This was when the Doctor finally managed to shut up so he could actually run away.

While running away, he managed to get a scan of the life form and was reading it on the screens in the corridor as he ran past them.

The monster, though the Doctor refused to use that word, was an orange colour – peanut butter sauce orange to be perfectly honest, and its feet seemed to be sweet and sour spare ribs, coated in egg fried rice with little bits of prawn cracker for toenails. The lumpiness was from chicken balls, originally they were chicken balls in peanut butter sauce. When it opened its mouth a row of splintered bone teeth were set in a dripping goo of mushroom gums and soy sauce saliva, with ripped crispy duck tongue. Scans detailed that it didn’t have lungs – it didn’t have blood to oxygenate – other than that it did have a basic Time-Lord physiology, well, as well as the fact that all the organs were made out of Chinese food. Two hearts – pork balls. It was a Time-Lord mutated Chinese food …. Thing! But by Gallifrey he had created a new life form! Fantastic!

Despite the lack of lungs, it growled (Probably the same way a tummy rumbled, which was ironic, given the fact it was derived from food.) and so instead of learning all he could about his brand new play thing – because of course play things should always try to kill you – he set his mind to running away from the thing trying to eat him.

Unfortunately by this time, he had run into a section of his TARDIS he had not yet explored and so did not know how to get back to the Primary Console – his getting lost came early this relative year. The TARDIS was not sympathetic – in fact, as always, she found her Doctor to be an incredible form of entertainment; she’d save his squishy time lord arse in a bit.

The Doctor had taken to running through his TARDIS like a headless chicken – he had once been turned into a headless chicken, courtesy of a Tribellian priestess known as a Tribel – not to be confused with Tribbles, those bloody annoying furry little- anyway, it was not a fun experience and this is not a crossover so back to the story.

Headless Time-Lord chicken that he was The Doctor wasn’t exactly paying attention to any of the clues that his TARDIS was leaving him, trying to direct him back to the Primary Console – seriously, it was pretty obvious, flashing arrows on the walls and everything, they were there, for this very reason! The Doctor got lost that often!

Knowing it was a lost cause, (he was going to be occupied for a while, and even if he did get back to familiar ground, the foo-monster still might eat him) the TARDIS decided to message River, who as luck would have it, was around in this time, if not space.

The phone rang. And rang, and rang. Interesting he could hear the phone where he was when it was situated on the console. Speaker phone, that’s what it was.

“Ummm, could you answer the phone for me girl? We can do that right? I don’t have physically pick it up do I?” The Doctor asked, she replied with a click and then River was talking to him.

“Hello Sweetie, what’s wrong today? I got a message from the TARDIS” River said over the ‘phone’

“Really? She can do that?” He asked – again, face palm for the TARDIS, he really didn’t know anything did he?

“Of course she can do that! You programmed her to be able to do that shortly after the first time you got lost and almost killed him her.”

“Oh, yeah, I remember now, funny story that, did I ever tell you it? I suppose I must have, otherwise how would you know what I had done? Anyway River, I’m kind of being chased by a new life form I accidentally created. I seem to have left some half eaten Chinese food and it’s now mutated into a nine foot creature that wants to eat me.” The Doctor explained – still running from the thing.

“Really? I bet that’s a sight.”

“What do you mean? I’m running for my life here and you say it would be a sight?” The Doctor exclaimed, exasperated by his wife’s nonchalance at the idea of him being eaten by Chinese food – honestly!

By this time he had made his way back to the main corridor – thanks to the TARDIS and her shortcuts, even though her help was borderline mind control. This of course brought the problems of bringing the monster to the heart of the TARDIS and possible endangering then natives if it got out.

“Okay, I’ll be planet side in about half an hour – try not to die by then. And oh Sweetie, don’t let it outside.” With that River disconnected.

Of course again with Murphy’s Law – it got outside, and it was all the Doctor could do to stand in the doorway, catching his breath and watch the orange globule terrorise the planet’s inhabitants as they ran away from the calorific monstrosity.

“Oh, shit.”

The TARDIS ‘Bong’d again, causing the Doctor to turn back to the console sharply.

“What?! What do you mean I should – I’m not – hff!” He exclaimed, huffing through his nose. The TARDIS chuckled to herself, bells trilling as she did so – he glared a dirty glare at the console column, glass blob bobbing in time to the trilling.

With his breath back, and both hearts pounding, with the sound of his TARDIS’s laughter behind him, he took to the streets after his mutated Chinese food. Of course he picked up his Discombolulator before he left.

He looked ridiculous – as per usual.

The Discombobulator looked like a forest green backpack, the top reached up above his head and had a lip which rested on top of his hair – lightly, but it was a definite presence. The outer layer of the contraption consisted of a canvas made from a plant native to Orsos-Prime and it covered thick wires made from metal that could only be found on Satanella-14.

The Discombobulator had a very specific use; which the Doctor was not using it for. No, he was using it for its secondary function – its scanning, tracking and communication abilities. The Doctor, again, in his infinite wisdom, had lost any and all smaller devises capable of the same thing. He didn’t mind though, he liked the mad old man look, it suited him well, in body and soul.

He stalked the Chinese food, like an armadillo looking for a cheap fix of black market chicken nuggets. The Doctor input the data to scan for and track life forms with derivatives of his Time-Lord DNA, as the only other life form that could possibly have it. Of course there were other life forms with derivatives of Time-Lord DNA, River was an example of one of them, Jenny, and his granddaughter Susan were other examples, but he believed them to be dead in this time zone so…

In the end, he didn’t need the Disconbobulator, for its tracking functions or otherwise, in fact he only needed to follow the path of parted natives, who eyed him warily as if to think - oh God, that explains it; The Doctor, no wonder there’s a rampaging blob running though our streets – as they ran from said ‘rampaging blob’. Part of the reason the planet and its inhabitants were so boring was because they all knew who the doctor was, and more often than not trouble followed him wherever he went, and he went to interesting places; they did not want to be interesting. Like the old Chinese curse, interesting did not mean good. Fate has a sense of humour – the Doctor knew this, if only because he’s dated her on and off during his time at the academy – the fortune cookie that came with his takeaway had warned him of interesting times, figures he should have invoked a Chinese curse to take the form of irony (again, if the food caught him, it would eat him).

Back to the point; he had found the monster, but wasn’t sure if it was a good thing. Fortunately for the Doctor, when the Mutated Chinese Food Monster turned on him, River made her entrance - all smoke and fireworks too, scared the peanut sauce out of the Doctor, however it did not scare it off of the monster.

“Hello Sweetie”

“Do you ever use a different opening line?” The Doctor asked, his voice high with stress, breathlessness and no small amount of exasperation.

“No. Next order of business; so this is the product of your ridiculousness?” River replied bluntly, she looked away from him to aim her space-gun at the dripping mass.

Through the cosmos, as a young monster grew up, went to monster school, monster university – they were informed about the Doctor. They were told about his exploits and how he should be avoided if possible, but if not… he would thwart your plans but he was mainly non-violent. When they were told about River…. They were told to run as fast as they could, and not look back.

As a new life form; the Chinese food monster was about to receive his education.

The monster roared, specks of sauce hitting the both of them. River fired propelling the laser bullet towards the Chinese food – the monster exploded, globules of sauce drenching the both of them.

“What do you mean my ridiculousness?!” The Doctor whined.

“We’re covered in the flesh and blood of a monster whose flesh and blood is Chinese food. You created it. What do you think I mean?”

“I did not create it! And did you have to kill it?”

“Accidentally or no, you created it. And hmmmm, yes!”

River decided that she wanted to spend time with her man, and so led him back to their TARDIS. As they went they discussed the merits of Chinese food, killing and not killing when needed; in fact they were bickering, bickering like and old married couple (which was absolutely fine since they were one).

As they got back to the TARDIS, she sealed her doors, and set a course for a nice holiday destination for the couple.

The Doctor silenced River with a kiss and as they continued both thanked the TARDIS for the convenient closeness of the bedroom.