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How Madonna Met Her Many Lovers

By Genevieve Darcy Granger

Adventure / Romance

How Kili Met Madonna

After Thorin convinced the Master of Laketown to help his company on their quest to reclaim Erebor, a grand feast was thrown in the Master’s hall with wine over-flowing and meat roasting on spits, fat dripping into the fire causing a delicious aroma and appetizing sizzle. Nearly everyone was there and the starving people had never seen so much food before. The dwarves were happy to have a decent meal and proved how much mead they could handle. It was basically a pre-celebration for reclaiming their homeland and defeating the dragon and sharing their wealth. Dwarf, hobbit, and human alike were partying, dancing, eating, and playing music – all except one dwarf.

Kili was quiet during the whole affair. His arrow-wound from the vile orcs was paining him greatly. It hurt to stand and no matter how much he drank he could feel everything, whether it was a twinge of discomfort or a stab of pain. So while his brother, his uncle, his friends, and his companions merrily feasted with the people of Laketown, he stayed in his chair and watched, sad and alone and in pain.

His silver lining was a serving wench who flitted around the room like a social butterfly and yet also buzzed busily like a bee attended to her flowers. No one’s glass stayed empty for too long and no one could resist a smile when she made her way over. Kili was entranced by the human woman. She was very short for a human yet tall for a dwarf. Her complexion was creamy like the moon; her hair was short to her shoulders and dark as the night. Her eyes were brown – not brown like boring, common brown but brown like the earth rich for plundering because deep inside those depths Kili could see from the all the way across the hall that there were jewels to be found and treasured.

He also liked her nose. It was a regal nose; the kind you would find on a noble woman who would ruin it by putting it up in the air like a snob. She, however, was not a noble woman by birth. Like the other commoners of Laketown she wore what she could whether it is rags or hand-me-downs. Tonight, though, everyone wore their best frocks and breeches and instead of bundling up from the snow, they were actually showing more skin than their face for the roaring fires and huge crowd made the grand hall hot enough for the dancers to sweat.

But this woman was warm not only in temperature but in her nature. She was kind to those she served and she didn’t seem to mind her position in life. She seemed strong and confident and sure of herself. The woman served people with a smile and it was the same to everyone except for the Master, Alfrid, and the guards. Those men she served very little wine and gave them the worst pieces of meat like the bones and gristle. The others she gave generous amounts of roast and slipped them precious food like sweets. She was very sweet herself, in Kili’s opinion.

Not only was this serving wench pretty and good-hearted, but she was sexy of course. For every man that met this woman that was the first impression – nice ass. For Kili, though, he only noticed her child-bearing hips once they were sashaying his way. That’s when he realized his glass went empty and thus his prayers were answered. Instead of having to embarrass himself by limping to the woman, he had unknowingly summoned this angel.

She gave him that same charming smile she gave everyone else and glanced him over briefly while she poured him a hefty goblet of wine. “You’re sweating, too, huh? It is blazing hot in here even if you’re not dancing or like me bustling around to everyone.”

Kili laughed for he didn’t know what to say yet. To be honest with himself he knew that he was sweating from the sharp ache of his punctured thigh. He hadn’t really noticed the agony until she pointed out his fever induced sweat. So far the serving wench had been a distraction enough for him to forget his burning, bound leg. Maybe his sweating hadn’t started until she arrived. He felt nervous enough as it was. Finally, after a time, he managed to think of what to say to her. “What’s your name, lass?” he tried to smoothly purr at her but there was a catch in his voice from his nerves and his malady.

“Madonna is what I’m called. And yourself, Master Dwarf?” She looked him over again and passed him an extra slab of meat.

“Kili,” he answered, “at your service. Thank you for your service, by the way.” He smiled and hoped his misery didn’t deter her.

Madonna curtseyed and tipped her head at him. “You seem pale…” Her glittering eyes searched him again. “Can I get you anything else?” There was a flirtatious inflection somewhere in her tone, Kili fancied. Or maybe his affliction was causing him to hallucinate and this Madonna was a figment of his imagination. She was just so unreal in the best way possible.

“Oh, no. I don’t wish to keep you from your duties but I do think you deserve a break. You look a little tired yourself, you know. Not that you look bad, you look beautiful. You have that little sparkle in your eye like pent-up energy–” He cut himself off quickly. Kili couldn’t pass of his babbling on his injury this time.

To his relief, Madonna laughed and punched his arm. “Okay. So, Kili, tell me about your adventure so far,” She managed to plop down on the bench beside him gracefully, and poured herself a tankard of mead. “You must have faced so many perils and I’ve always wanted to leave this frozen Hell-hole and explore the Middle-Earth and beyond the borders of the map and the whole entire world!” Madonna yanked off her serving apron, tossed it away carelessly, and made herself a plate, too. She grabbed a bowl of walnuts as she continued to say, “I want to sample every culture, to hear every language, and to experience every custom!” she chattered excitedly to him, “Who did you meet? What did you fight? Where did you go? What’s your home like? What did you kill? Can I see your battle scars?” Madonna beamed at him and stared him down imploringly waiting to hear of every detail of his life.

Kili breathed easier and narrated everything, forgetting his torment for a while and also conveniently forgetting his uncle’s order of secrecy. He told her of their gathering at Bag-End, and the background of his people and his uncle. He expounded on their run-ins with the trolls, orcs, goblins, and elves. On and on he described the Shire and the Misty Mountains and Rivendell and Mirkwood and the Goblin caverns. Madonna listened and made the proper sounds of awe in the right places and asked questions about Elrond and the Goblin King and Bilbo and Thorin and his brother Fili and his mother Dis. All the while they snacked on walnuts, the meat and the drinks soon forgotten.

"My mother," he laughed, "she worries. She thinks I'm restless." He smiles at Madonna and fiddles in his pocket for the token.

"You? Reckless? Hardly." she sarcastically drawls. Kili learned that for all this woman's sweetness, she was a very independent, opinionated, and bossy smartass. "Although that thing about the barrels and fishes can be seen as reckless. It explains a lot about you, though. Why you smell like you need a bath for one thing." she teases lightly.

Kili only chuckles and reveals his token. “I made a promise to my mother,” Kili told Madonna quietly as he showed her his token, “I promised that I would not forget her and that I would do my best to return to her.” He watched as Madonna took the small item from him and traced her small, slender fingers over the dwarven runes carved into its dark, smooth surface. She handed it back to Kili after she observed it to her liking and when she pressed the round stone into his palm, Kili felt the calluses of her finger tips and his face was so close to hers that he could smell the heady perfume of her natural scent mixed with the mulled mead on her breath.

Kili wanted badly at that moment to kiss her, but her entrancing eyes held him spell-bound and he found that he couldn’t move. Those eyes, so rich and enchanting like a chocolate diamond, made him forget everything: how to breathe, how to think, what to say, what to do, and that it was growing late. Soon they would have to part ways and he would have to continue his quest onto Erebor and she would stay and live her life serving others when she should be treated like a queen. It was the excruciating sting in his thigh that foreshadowed an infection that eventually pulled him out of his hypnotic state of mind.

Unwillingly, he showed his weakness and went pale as he hissed through his teeth, his hands gripping his wrapped leg as if to help temper his poisoned wound. Madonna leapt to attention and tried to see it. Kili was too weak to deny her, so she attended to the wound. Madonna splashed some strong, spicy wine over it and then washed it away with water. She summoned her friends to help her but no matter what herbs they tried it did nothing to relieve the pain or reduce the swelling or stop the bleeding. Out of desperation she beseeched a dwarf to help her, going against Kili’s plead but it was the right thing to do. Soon, with the help of kingsfoil and Oin’s healing, Kili fell into a deep sleep as his body fought the poison and the pain.

The last thing he remembered that from that night was Madonna leaning over him and attending to his leg, using her serving apron as the binding for the poultice. She was bathed in starlight and her brow was furrowed in concentration and concerned. Despite looking very strained and serious, Kili thought he had never seen anything more lovely in his life. Then he passed out with the knowledge that at that moment he realized that he needed her and she wouldn't leave him. He realized in his dreams that he loved her.

While he was asleep, Madonna worried over him. She did what she could but mostly just left him alone. The dwarf was arrogant in a charming way and seemed to her like - for lack of a better word - a goofball. Still, Madonna admired the fact that he had a very high tolerance for pain and poison. Though, she called him a silly dwarf for waiting so long for his wound to be attended and for daring to hide it from her by glossing over the events of their escape from the orcs and elves in Mirkwood. In that moment though, while she watched him slumber with his head resting on a pile of walnuts for a pillow, she realized he needed her and that she would not abandon him. Madonna realized - that she loved him.

Once morning dawned, Kili was awake but still couldn’t walk without difficulty. He stayed behind with his brother Fili, the healer Oin, and Bofur who was too hung-over to wake up on time. It was for the best, however. The dwarves helped protect the town from the orcs and the dragon. While Kili resided in Laketown, Madonna visited him often.

They had an unusual courtship. They spared with swords, had archery contests, fought side by side against foes, and in the Battle of the Five Armies Madonna saved Kili, Fili, and Thorin from Death’s clutches thanks to her quick-thinking and training and skill with a knife. Madonna was an artisan in battle and a craftswoman to whatever she set her mind to. She was also an excellent scholar. Eventually, they married and Madonna’s wish was granted as she finally abandoned her post as a serving wench and went to live with her husband in Erebor, surrounded by riches, friends, and family – all of them dwarves.

After a time, Madonna bared him two daughters, Morganna and Morganne. Both of them were small, tiny for dwarves. They had their mother’s pale complexion and Kili’s dark, wild hair. They both had eyes that glittered like coal on fire and were blessed with their mother’s human ancestry where they didn’t grow beards. Being twins, you could hardly tell one apart from the other. The only clue was that Morganna had a long, dwarven nose and played the lute very well, while her sister’s musical talent was in the flute. They grew up to be fierce warriors just like Kili was raised and Madonna was transformed into. While Madonna never left the Lonely Mountain that she fell in love with as soon as she arrived, her daughters set out to have their own journeys and adventures. Morganna became a tradeswoman who was honest and fair, and soon gained a reputation that anyone who tried to cheat or steal from her would soon have to dodge arrow shafts. Morganne left to explore every league of land of the Middle-Earth. She became a well-known mapmaker and became well versed in every culture she encountered. And Kili and Madonna lived happily ever after, to the end of their days. 

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