My feet were moving on their own accord.
I had no control of them.
I had no control over anything.
Not the shallowness of my breathing, the defining ring of silence despite the buzzing room.
Not even the beating of my heart was my own, it pulsed at a speed that normally I would have already calmed, only today the composure that I had spent years perfecting crumbled like wood in the fire.
As I moved in an almost autoscopy way, far from all of the commotion, away from the body they were all crowding around the memories began to shove themselves into my head.
Happy memories, ones that only moments ago sat glowing in warmth, were suddenly tinged with ice.
The Memories of Alice.
Her beautiful soft brown hair, her sparkling hazel eyes, her cute quiet chuckle... Everything about her, all that made me love her, now as cold as her body lying in courtyard.
The way she playfully hit me when I teased her. How when she cried and I came to her aid, she would push me away only to come back and find my comfort three minutes later.
Denial hammered on the unmistakable evidence, it was not her, it was not the woman who had changed me, turned me from who I was becoming into who I am now.
But it was her.
New, ice cold memories.
They came back as if each were painted as a separate portrait moving along my head so fast they made one movement, they were pictures of Alice’s ice cold body, her skin blue and wet.
How I had pushed myself back away from the front of the crowd that circled around her, trying not to let my emotions roll of me so obviously.
As much as it hurt I had to keep my composure, I had to act as if I had never loved the girl lying cold and lifeless next to the lake. I had to make people believe to me she was just another girl, just another muggleborn girl, no different to the rest of them.
But she wasn’t some girl; she wasn’t like the rest of them. She was different, she was mine and now she was gone. My feet picked up pace, I started running, I needed to get out of the Hogwarts corridors the very same corridors I had spent most of my days with Alice. I needed to escape the walls that were closing in on me. Suffocating me.
I ran to a place I knew I would be alone, away from my memories. A place where I had never been with Alice, a place I went to before and only before I met her.
The forbidden forest loomed over me gloomy and grey just like I had remembered it.
Before if there were ever a time I was lost or lonely, I came to the forest. I had spent hours there, just talking to the creatures that had inhabited the place. This all stopped though, when I had met Alice. I had felt no need in coming and hiding here anymore, I had her and that was all I had needed.
“So, you’ve come back.” the cold, hard voice pierced the eerie silence, shattering my reverie. I swiveled around to find one of my old companions, slowly making his way out of the shadows. “Thought I would never see you again, what happed?”
“I… er got distracted.” Old walls were resurrected in an instant, my caution returning just like riding a broom, you never forget.
“Yes, I see quite distracted, to bad she died.” His blunt words pressed hard on the knife that was lodged in my heart. Damn those bloody goblins knew everything.
I tried to fight off the pain that was re-swallowing me whole, as the memories were once again shoving themselves back into my mind.
Instead I tried thinking about something else, Bakarjuk (my goblin ‘friend’ – for lack of a better word) had worked in Gringots, once upon a time, until he tried to steal a goblin made dagger from one of the Gringots safe holders, naturally he was kicked out. He had nowhere else to go and Dumbledore being the way he is, convinced the current headmaster to let him live in the forest.
Bakarjuk continued filling the desperate silence that had spread between us. “I could make you forget her you know.”
I looked at the goblin, not sure what he meant, not quite able to grasp on what he was saying before he continued, “If you forget her you won’t have to deal with the pain of the memories.”
Was he in his own way trying to help? I couldn’t understand where this was coming from. Bakarjuk had previously been my constant companion for the past few years and we were a little more than acquaintances granted, but we had never had that kind of relationship, the kind where one would do something for the other.
I thought about his offer. Sure it would be nice not to feel the bone crushing pain I was feeling now, or the felling of loss as I remembered all the sneaking around and hushed dates, and stolen kisses that were never going to happen again.
To forget Alice completely?
No, it was worth the pain, remembering her spark, her shine, her kindness.
Forget the only person who actually believed in me?
No, I didn’t want to forget her she was mine and always would be and I was never going to forget that.
“N...” I started to decline, but I was too late. I had taken too long to decide and Bakarjuk was already casting his spell.
It hit me with a jet of blue light and I was nocked backward off my feet. It is a weird feeling not being in control of one’s mind, sort of like watching a picture move but inside you head. Unlike thinking, you never knew what was going to happen next.
Bakarjuk selected a memory of Alice, it shone as clear as that day in my mind, it was the first time I had kissed her, late afternoon the sun just starting to set, we were in the astronomy tower just her and I. It was my greatest memory, the memory I used when I casted a patronus.
I watched as the memory centered in my mind, screaming for Barajuk to stop. It was useless, nothing came out my mouth, I could only lay lump and idle on the soft fragrant forest leaves while I watched my most precious possessions be taken away from me.
Like burning paper the memory receded, when it had burnt through it was dust in the wind.
The next image came and disappeared the same way and the next and the...
It was the most torturous experience of my whole life, more torturous than Alice dying; if she only died I still had her memories. Now, I had nothing. It was worse than my mother, my father, that orphanage or even the person I was becoming.
The last image I had left of Alice and I was the one where I had just starting to talk to her, I remember thinking how a filthy mudblood could have such an interesting opinion. It disappeared gone with the others.
I felt nothing nothingness, the same emptiness I felt a year ago, before suddenly starting from my head a dim white light lifted from my body. It was the emotion of love, compassion and mercy, the little good I had left inside me being ripped from my sole. I let out an antagonising yell, the pain searing my body, until nothingness once again.
“There. How’s that?” Bakarjuk was talking to me. I lifted myself off the disgusting wet carpet of leaves.
“How’s what? What am I doing on the ground?” What was I doing in the forest? Last I remembered I was in the Slytherin common room talking to some blonde girl, who was telling me there had just been a murder on school grounds, who was murdered though I couldn’t remember.
“So you don’t remember a thing?” He asked again. This cryptic tone was starting to annoy me I needed to get out of here before I broke his neck.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’m leaving” I turned around and started walking away leaving the forest and a muttering Bakarjuk behind me.
“It worked. Our plan worked, he’s completely Forgotten.”