Pretty, beautiful, used to be mistaken for a girl. This is the cross Kanda Yuu has to carry for the rest of his life, since he was re-born. He wouldn't care, if it wasn't for the fact that his excuse of a boyfriend is a ladies' guy, and he has a thing for big boobs. Which Kanda doesn't have, obviously.
This is something he thinks about a lot, more than he should. Whenever he's washing his long black hair with soap, or he's fighting some enemy, sweating, bloody, and witnesses whisper 'Beautiful!' under their breath. He didn't ask for this. He just wants to fight, maybe have a quiet, nice life. He's well aware that these are just dreams, but it's reassuring thinking of these things time to time.
Until his lover arrives in his room, without knocking, with huge noise, babbling about some stupid book or mission or whatever. When he's done, he looks at Kanda as he's the most precious thing he's ever seen, he touches his face gently, like he's afraid the other would break, and kisses him softly at first, but getting impatient quickly.
They end up making love, but after Lavi fell asleep, Kanda lays awake, bothered by those stupid thoughts. Does Lavi really love him? Would he love him if he wasn't this pretty or whatever? Maybe he's only with him because he still looks a bit girly. And knowing how much Lavi likes girls…
Kanda is irritable lately, even more than he usually is. His always grumpy look is now accompanied with huge dark circles under his eyes. Lenalee worries about him, but he tells her off, and commands her to leave him alone. Lavi worries about him too, he can tell, because the redhead is just a bit less noisy, and glances at him more with knitted eyebrows.
But he can't help it. He can't sleep properly because of his stupid anxiety over that dumbass. He questions himself often, how did it turn out like this? But he can't answer.
One day, after being awake for almost five days, Kanda meets his doom at the gym. He drops with fatigue, and he's lucky that he wasn't alone training, so he's admitted to the infirmary.
Komui only leaves him alone, because his precious sister, Lenalee sends him out, and she stays with the swordsman.
When he wakes up, he sees his friend and his boyfriend sitting next to his bed, quietly arguing about something. When they notice that he's awake, they begin to question him.
He doesn't want to tell. He doesn't want to appear weak, not because of some guy he's in love with. So he just blames it on bad food, nightmares, anything he could think of. They clearly don't believe him, but they don't push him.
By the end of the day, he can go back to his own room, where he locks the door behind himself and stands by his window for a few hours that only seem like a few minutes to him. He thinks hard, but can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. For him to be in this state because of something that should make him happy – being in a relationship with the person he loves. Kanda's been thinking hard of what's wrong with him. But he can't answer. He even toyed with the idea of breaking up with Lavi, maybe that'd make his life easier, but to that thought he only panicked and almost started crying. He loves Lavi, for fuck's sake! Then why is he troubled by being together with him?