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Worries

Chapter 2

Weeks pass, but nothing really changes. Though Kanda tries to act as if everything's fine, even the bean sprout asks him eventually if he's all right. He tries to ignore the pitying looks everyone gives him, but it kind of breaks his heart: he's so not used to being the one they feel sorry for.

When he's on a mission alone, it's a tiny bit better. He feels more at ease, nobody's there to judge him, except for himself. Sometimes he catches himself wanting to talk to Lavi, but he holds himself back.

But he knows very well, he can't do this forever. Lavi will ask one day, and how is he supposed to give an answer, when he can't even answer himself? And then Lavi will leave him. Because he's not good enough, he's stupid for worrying about this relationship. He doesn't really have a reason to worry anyway, right?

He shakes. There are times when Kanda thinks too much and ends up shaking for hours. He can't stop it, and when it happens, he locks himself up in his room, or he wanders away on a mission.

His head throbs with pain, he feels too hot, his legs give in and he falls on the floor. His heart races and Kanda can't do anything against all of this, but waits. Eventually it'll stop, it always does. It takes him most of the night to finally get some rest, and he couldn't even sleep for an hour, he has to wake up.

When he's about to leave his room and opens the door, he finds Lavi sleeping next to the wall. Looks like he set up a camp there with a sleeping bag because Kanda didn't let him in. Why is he doing it? He's not worth the time, the energy or the troubles.

Kanda's about to pass his boyfriend, when the other grabs his foot and looks up at him. His eye is full of sadness – he's the reason of it. All he does is make Lavi sad and worried, when he doesn't deserve it. Lavi should just leave him already; he'll do that in the end anyway.

The redhead gets up and faces Kanda. He confronts him, asks him. But Kanda can't answer. Not because he doesn't want to, but he's not able to. He doesn't know the answer. Lavi hangs his head, slightly shaking it. He pats Kanda's shoulder and walks past him.

Kanda's heart breaks. He knew this will happen. He wished for this to happen. Yet he feels broken.

For the next few days they don't talk at all. Kanda can feel Lavi's gaze on his back when he walks on the corridor, or when he's eating in the dining room, alone. But they don't face each other.

Kanda suffers from nightmares. He sees Lavi dying. He calls his name, but he can't help him and he dies. He can't take this anymore. He slacks off training, he spends his time taking walks, going to pubs, drinking. It makes him feel better – though only for a short while. But in that time he feels freer, he can forget about his worries for a bit. He enjoys these times, relaxes as much as he can.

But it isn't endless happiness, and the next mornings are always the worst. When he wakes up and searches for Lavi before he remembers that they broke up. Lavi broke up with him.

Now new questions start tormenting him. How long will he be able to carry on like this? He has no answer.

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