Get Free Copy

100 free copies left

This novel is limited to 100 free copies due to its part in Inkitt’s Novel Contest.

0
Free copy left
You can read our best books
Hamm_On_Wry would love your feedback! Got a few minutes to write a review?
Write a Review

The Three Piggs, a modern faerie tale

By Hamm_On_Wry

Other / Humor

The Three Piggs, a modern faerie tale

The Three Little Piggs

A Modern Faerie Tale

Once upon a time, there were three porcine brothers, interestingly enough, surnamed Pigg. There was Rush Pigg, a wildly popular talk show host, Barclay Pigg, a stockbroker, and Joe Pigg, a conscientious civil service employee.

One day, tired of paying high rents in non-rent controlled apartments, the 3 Pigg brothers got together and decided to purchase homes in the suburbs. Rush Pigg found a 5 bedroom, 4 bath colonial in Scarsdale, with in ground pool, recently remodeled with vinyl siding and attached 4 car garage large enough for his Humvee. Barclay purchased a 6 bedroom, 7 bath home with a heliport on the roof, tennis courts, and indoor pool, sided with redwood from old growth forests in Chappaqua. Joe happened across a union contractor just finishing up work on a nice 2 bedroom, 1 ½ bath brick ranch style home in Farmingville located near reliable public transportation.

The three Pigg brothers took out mortgages and moved into their new homes. Rush and Barclay needed moving vans due to their excessive consumption, however Joe got a couple of pals who piled in Joe's Chevy Tahoe hybrid pickup, proving once and for all that you can buy an environmentally friendly American built truck. Joe rented a U-Haul trailer to pull behind the Tahoe and was moved in in short order.

Soon after moving in, a predatory lender named Bigg Badde Wolfe was looking through possible mortgages to buy up when he ran across the paperwork on the three Pigg brother's homes. He decided that pork sounded very good for dinner that month so he got out of his cheap suit, put on some coveralls and went to hunt down the Pigg brothers.

Arriving in Scarsdale, Bigg Badde, or BB for short, stopped his Volvo at the front gate and used the intercom to call to the house.

"Delivery for Mr. Rush Pigg."

"Is it my Oxycon...I mean my pharmaceutical order?"

"I believe so sir."

The gates opened and BB drove up to the front of the house where Rush Pigg waited eagerly. Rush saw BB get out of his car and freaked. "You're not my dealer.... I mean pharmacist!" He quickly dove in the house and locked the door.

BB Wolfe snorted in amusement. "Let me in, fat boy."

A voice came from behind the door. "Get out of here, you ruffian before I call the cops!"

"If you don't let me in, I'll huff and puff and blow this joint down. Then I'll foreclose on your mortgage."

"Yeah, right. I'm rich enough that I can pay off the mortgage with my cigar money. Now leave if you know whats good for you."

"Okay tough guy, we do this the hard way." Bigg Badde took a deep breath and blew as hard as he could, stripping the siding off Rush Pigg's house and blowing a hole in the wall. Rushing through, he caught Rush and tied him up, then swiped Rush's phone, calling his buddies up and inviting them up to Scarsdale for an impromptu pool party.

"Yeah guys, I'll supply the barbecue pork, you bring the beer and chips." Rush Pigg was barbecued on his own patio while the Wolfe clan partied until the beer and food ran out. A good time was had by all, other than Rush Pigg, of course.

Having his girlfriend drive his car, he stuffed Rush Pigg's Hummer full of overpriced consumer goods made with Asian slave labor, then drove to Chappaqua to visit Barclay Pigg. When he pulled up to the gate, Barclay saw the Hummer on his CCTV and assumed his successful brother Rush was coming to visit. He opened the gate to let him in.

Since his housekeeper, a poorly paid undocumented worker from Honduras, was out running errands, he went to the front door to let his brother in. Spotting Bigg in his blood and barbecue sauce stained coveralls exiting the Hummer, he paled and ran inside, slamming the door.

Bigg decided to forgo the normal pleasantries, took a match and lit up the side of Barclay's house. The fire quickly burned off the siding and he took a deep breath and blew a hole in the front of the house, putting out the blaze and allowing him to dart through and grab Barclay. Pulling out his cleaver, he growled..."It's party time!"

0o0o0o0o0o0

The next day, having fenced off his ill gotten gains and leaving the Hummer with the keys in it in the Bronx, Bigg drove his Volvo out to Farmingville to get the last Pigg brother. He had hoped to catch Joe Pigg as he was coming home from work, however an accident on the Long Island Expressway held up traffic and Joe arrived home after a relaxing ride on the reliable public transportation, even having time to pour a glass of wine and prepare a cheese tray before settling down in front of the television to watch his favorite show on MSNBC, Countdown with Kieth Olbermann.

Hearing a knock on the door, Joe got up and looked through the peephole to see a traffic frazzled Bigg B. Wolfe standing on his porch with a hungry gleam in his eye. Not opening the door, he asked, "Can I help you?"

"Yeah, I ran out of gas and was wondering if I could use your phone to call my brother."

Now Joe Pigg was not going to fall for that! He was a New Yorker, for Pete's sake, and that was the oldest trick in the book for home invaders. Misunderstood as these poor underprivileged people might be, he had no intention of becoming someone's sausage! However, just in case this ragged looking fellow was on the level, Joe offered to call his brother for him.

"What is it with you Pigg brothers that you are so darned stubborn? Say your prayers, sucker!"

Joe, seeing that this chap was indeed a criminal, quickly called 911, where he was soon connected with Animal Control. Outside, BB Wolfe huffed and puffed and blew as hard as he could at Joe's well built home. It did not even quiver, let alone fall down. He repeated the action several times until he fell over, exhausted. He then climbed up on the roof in order to go down the chimney. Unfortunately for Bigg, the well built, modern brick home was an energy efficient building with only a small exhaust pipe on the roof.

Just then the conscientious Animal Control employee drove up. Seeing a wolf (or Wolfe) on the roof of the house, he pulled out a small rifle, loaded it with a non lethal dart, and shot BB Wolfe in the buttocks, causing him to fall off the roof. Bigg Badd was soon loaded into a cage and transported away from Joe Pigg's well built brick home. Bigg would be turned over to a Sierra Club supported wild animal rescue organization. Following an intensive reeducation program, he would be released into the wild at Yellowstone National Park, sans coveralls. Unfortunately, after escaping the park, he would later end up being shot by an evil capitalistic rancher while in the process of eating a prize breeding sheep. He was stuffed and mounted and now graces the den of the rancher's home.

Joe Pigg collected from the Victim's Restitution Fund, as well as inheriting his two brother's estates, valued at roughly $300 million. After paying inheritance taxes, Federal, State, NYC, county and village taxes, he ended up with $43, which he blew on wine and cheese. Life was good and he lived happily ever after.

This cautionary tale was brought to you by the International Brotherhood of Bricklayers and Stonemasons, who would like to remind you that if you don't buy a brick home....someone is going to eat your bacon!

Write a Review Did you enjoy my story? Please let me know what you think by leaving a review! Thanks, Hamm_On_Wry
Continue Reading
Further Recommendations

info2: Cracking read, enjoyed the different story line and was gripped from start to finish. Looking forward to reading another book from this author.

RodRaglin: Your writing is very good, Rachel, but remember you also have to entertain the reader and in that regard it's a bit sparse in action and dialogue.Consider when revising...When starting a new story always consider your protagonist's Goal - what they want; Motivation - why they want it; and, Confli...

Rebeccaseal: This was an almost perfect story that I would recommend to anyone. The only thing I would work on is painting a more realistic picture of Haiathiel. Somehow the environment seemed limited, and the land itself a bit unfinished. This can be solved simply by added descriptions to people and places. ...

abygtan: Aside from the fact the book mentioned my bae percy this book is a whats-not-to-like kind of book I love the sass in this and the uniqueness it's just the type of book that keeps you crawling for more seriously I love this book go and check it out

JulieJeanette: I'm only on chapter nine, but so far I am loving this story!. I am on pins and needles hoping that they find good men in their lives by the end. I am American and so the British tone and lingo ('knickers,' 'sod it' ) of the book is very appealing. I had to find out how much '12 stone' was by goog...

mrh: This interesting take on the Harry Potter series fascinated me from line one on. I am in love with this tale and its characters and cannot wait to read the next chapter. I look forward to more soon.When can I expect the next chapter? I am so excited to read it!

alyssaleigh01: This book is the first book i read on this app and lets just say i was not disappointed! The story line of this is so amazing. it shows the twists of true friendship and how it can change how you view everything. I finished this book in 2 days and would not stop till i did. Highly recommend!

Lacey Schmidt: The Trouble with Super is that you can't stop reading it. Mr. Barrett's characters are all to easy to relate to even if you don't have a super quirk of your own, and their plight is both heart-rendingly funny and heart-warmingly sad at the same time. It's a bit like Office Space meets the Matri...

Jaslyn: I loved reading this so much!! The transformation of Nina's self-esteem was incredible to read, and while I was rooting for Parker halfway through, I was very satisfied when Harrison and Nina finally got everything straight. The side characters were adorable - I especially loved Anna, Richel, Mic...

More Recommendations

dd1226: I love reading about other countries and I think this story about Cambodia after Polpot creates awareness of the tragedy that happened there and the actions of the U.N. to hold elections. The heroine of the story is easy to relate to, a modern, middleaged woman looking for an adventure, wanting t...

Jasmine Chow: As I read this story, I was reminded some what of Terry Pratchett, especially some descriptions of politics and economics. The sci-fic setting is quite intriguing. Writing style is quite lovely and grew on me slowly. I was also slightly reminded of Mark Twain, especially his book A Connecticut Ya...

aeonleeann: Love how the story flowed through and how mysterious she was until the end. Loved how she tries to stay away from others but seamed to get drawn into others ether thru friendship, thru bargains or oaths. Would love to read the next book when it comes out. For this story in my eyes has great promi...

ank1983: I really enjoyed this story and I read through it quickly. I found it very entertaining and some of your scenes were very well written and descriptive. Every time a chapter ended I couldn't wait to start the next chapter. What girl hasn't fantasized over a cute teacher at school?! The story did...