Tobias injected himself with the fear serum and entered his fear landscape, breathing in a sigh of relief. He had snuck into the lab and stolen some along with an injection, and now he was back in his room. At least it gave him something to do, instead of just mope around all day and cry about the girl he loved and lost way too fast. He went through his first three fears, and prepared himself for the fourth, which was still the worst, which brought back not only unpleasant memories of his father that he would rather forget, but also the memory of how she had helped him through it. It reminded him of how brave, how strong, how fearless, how truly dauntless she was. And now she was gone. And he could barely say her name without feeling that all too familiar pain in his chest.The fourth fear came into existence, but it wasnt what Tobias had been expecting.
He stood a few feet in front of her, and as soon as he saw her, he forgot it was only a simulation. She was wearing all black, with her hair, which was long again, hanging around her face. She was beautiful.
He stood in shock for about two minutes and then he ran toward her, grabbed her by the waist and kissed her. Oh god. Oh god he had missed her so much, but now she was here and everything would be alright.He released her and spoke"Tris I-" It no longer pained him to say her name. She was right there in front of him."You let me go"
"You could have saved me. But you didnt""No! No of course not! I-" he stepped away from her, shaking his head frantically, willing himself to believe the words that were coming out of his mouth, willing himself to believe that he was innocent. He stumbled away from her until there was a distance of about 6 feet between them, when his back hit something solid, a white wall that had popped out of nowhere."You could have saved me! I'm dead because of you! You were too busy in the city to spare a single thought about how I might be doing, or how Caleb was, or even whether we were still alive! And you knew. You knew I would take his place. Why didnt you stop me from staying with Caleb, Tobias, why?" Now she was crying. Her tears raced down her face, and she shook, but she still looked so beautiful, and it would all be okay, because they always had their fights, and this one was worst than usual but it would be fine Tobias told himself. Maybe Tobias was losing his mind. Maybe he already had, but he didnt care. Here she was, standing right in front of him, and he had never been more thankful.Tris' voice rose up an octave, and she sounded completely hysterical."This is all y-"And suddenly, out of nowhere a gunshot rang through the air. And then another one.The bullets had pierced Tris' skin. One hit her neck and the other hit her chest, splattering the ground with blood. She stood still, her mouth open, struggling to finish her sentence and then she dropped to the floor, like a puppet whose strings had been cut. Blood flowed out of her wounds impossibly fast, soaking through her black clothes and covering her hair, covering her face, covering her whole body, until she looked nothing more than a girl dressed in blood. Tobias should have run toward her and broken down, maybe then it would all have ended, but instead he stayed where he was. The blood travelled in an eerily straight line right towards him. It touched Tobias' shoes and Tobias stood still. He just stood. Like if he stood still, it would all end. He felt something wet and sticky on his hands and looked down, afraid to see what it was.Blood coated his fingers, thick and red. It dripped off his fingers onto the ground, and as he heard the first drop of blood hit the white, cement floor, he screamed. He screamed, putting all his emotion into it, all his anguish, his grief, his anger, his hurt, his love, his desperation, his fear. His fear about how Tris was right. It was all his fault. He screamed a little louder.It was his fault she died. It seemed like centuries before he finally stopped screaming and the simulation ended.
Tobias had become addicted. He escaped to his fear landscape, getting through the first three fears, eager to see her face again, even though all she did was scream at him and how at the end of it, he would be reduced to nothing more than a weak, shivering, screaming wreck. Every single time. But at least he got to see her. And sometimes she wouldnt start talking till after Tobias had run to her and hugged her. He welcomed the feeling. The feeling that it was all his fault, because he knew it was, but no one else would admit it. Except Tris. After she had screamed, it was his turn. He watched the bullets that came from nowhere hit her and even if he tried to suppress his screams, he couldnt. Not after seeing the way she fell to the floor, helpless. She always ended up coated in blood, like a dress. The girl he loved so much, dying right in front of him, and him powerless to stop it.
Deep inside, he knew it was wrong. He knew it wasnt his fault and that he couldnt have saved her. He knew she wouldnt have wanted him to leave Uriah's family for her. He also knew that it was also the only way he had to see her, and that was worth anything the world could throw at him. Something no one knew about Tobias Eaton was that he was very self-destructive and what better way to destroy himself, than put himself through this? Maybe his mental pain would manifest into a physical pain and he would physically destroy himself, and get to see her again, for real. But that would be too much to hope for, especially for him. The simulation had turned into his getaway. He stole more and more fear serum from the labs and soon he knew someone would notice. But he didnt care. It had become his drug, and he needed it like he needed oxygen to breathe.The simulation had quickly become his hell and his heaven.