From the moment I was brought into the universe, to the moment I found myself crouched, slumped over her crumpled figure, I had always believed in myself. I thought that my thoughts were my thoughts only, that because they were mine, they were thoughts that I could follow. People tell us to believe in ourselves, to follow ours dreams. But I have no dreams. Never in the past, nor the future, nor during the night. I am a clone, crafted from the most insignificant piece of living tissue in the most evil place of the universe. My name is not Finn, and I know that now. The dream I was granted by Poe was not mine to keep. I am FN 2187, a number within an infinite sea of digits.
I first met Hatred when I saw Han Solo die. I had spoken with Fear, I had known Disgust, but as his body fell into the darkness, my menacing eyes were on his son, hating, penetrating, nothing close to the determination that Rey’s eyes showed. In that moment, I was full of hatred.
And through all this, I loved Rey. Traveling with her felt like the dream I never had. She felt so purposeful, she knew what she was meant to do. She had meaning in the world, unlike I did. I knew she was following her dreams, her numerous, unrelenting dreams. And as she picked up Luke Skywalker’s lightsaber, I knew that I didn't even need dreams when I had her to follow.
Then it all went wrong.
My vision barely clear after being injured from the blood-red lightsaber, I saw Rey and the monster-of-a-jedi clashing. Illuminating sparks flew everywhere, further blinding me to the point where I saw nothing of the battle. Blue and red lights exploded in my vision and I tried closing my eyes to block them out, but I couldn’t. A huge gash cut across my face from the place where Kylo Ren had swiped at me. The white snow fell around me and settled on surfaces. I leaned on my Tree; I had claimed it as my own. Although it supported me, it was inhibiting me from lying down in the snow. I wanted so badly to be engulfed by the soft ice, to feel the freedom of life, to get rid of the number above my head, but the Tree was in the way. The beautiful Tree of life… And I wanted to tear it down.
The freezing temperature of my skin blocked out the warmth of my body and I began to focus on my surroundings instead of the jedi battle in front of me. A shattered moon glared down from the gaps in the trees. Snow covered the bare branches of the forest and continued to pile on. Silently, a figure appeared wearing something familiar, holding something familiar, feeling something familiar. It was a stormtrooper. A single stormtrooper that had strayed from his position wondering, “Is this it? Is this what my life is meant for? Help my creators until the day that I die?”
And as he pulled the trigger, I realized something. It doesn’t matter what others believe. It doesn’t matter what you believe. The only thing that matters is if you live or if you die.
The red beam of light shot through the cold air and sliced through Rey’s side. She screamed and the dark jedi flung her through the air with the Force. The world came rushing back to me and I found myself able to move, but it was far too late. She collided with a tree and landed heavily in front of me.
“REY!” I yelled and picked myself off the Tree. Crawling over to her collapsed body, I saw the dark figure beginning to move, and the stormtrooper approaching. Then, Kylo sent a hand out and prevented the stormtrooper from shooting just as I reached Rey.
It was a pitiful sight.
Warm blood soaked into cold snow. Legs trembled in straight fear. She turned to me slowly, a pained expression on her face.
“Rey! Hey, Rey!” I said, frantically.
She blinked twice, snow landing on her and melting immediately, disguising themselves as tears flowing down her cheeks. I felt her forehead and it burned like the plasma of a lightsaber.
She opened her shivering mouth to speak, but no words came out. Using the last of her strength, her hand came up slowly and touched my cheek. She opened her mouth one last time and said, “Sor… ry…”
Her mouth never closed again. The life left her eyes. Cold blood soaked the warm snow. Legs seemed to still tremble, but were stagnant. A tear abandoned my eyes landed on her cheek.
From the moment I was brought into the universe, to the moment I found myself crouched, slumped over her crumpled figure, I always believed in myself.
Not when I am so weak.
And as my heart broke down, the world around me stopped. The snowflakes held in mid-air, the war around us stood still, and the sounds all stopped. Suddenly, I heard a voice to my right. I looked over and saw the lightsaber. The voice came from it; the soft mourning voice emitted from the metal of the handle. Mustering physical and mental strength, I grabbed hold of it and immediately felt pain. Scenes flashed before my eyes: princess Leia when she was young, crowds of jedi fighting to the death, countless moments of horrible screaming as the holder of the lightsaber slashed people across the body. The voice suddenly turned shrill and my head split into pain. I felt a power within my hand — a lost power that pushed against me, rejecting my presence. It was the power of the Force. At first, I wanted more than anything to let go. I wanted to rid myself of the pain and just run away. But who could I turn to? Fear? Disgust? Love? Love was dead in front of me because I had let it die. I didn’t deserve love anymore. Fear was something I had turned to before, but now look where it got me. No, who I turned to… was Hatred. I tightened my grip on the lightsaber and squeezed against the power inside. I willed myself to withstand the pain until…
I felt something on the tip of my hand.
It… stung. It felt like a ball of electricity zapping me every half a second.
I yanked it out of its place, the power surged into me, and the world resumed its course. My hand was on the lightsaber and the dark figure continued to walk towards me. I felt something new within me, something powerful.
I had attained the Force by literal force.
Suddenly filled with anger, I pushed myself up and shoved my hand in the jedi’s direction. I felt the Force move with me as a wave of power picked him up and launched him ten feet back. He tumbled through the snow and somehow landed on his feet. I turned to the stormtrooper, who had just readied his weapon, and held him up. He dropped his weapon and tried to get the Force off of his throat.
“So this is how it feels, huh?” I said, mesmerized, “HahaHA! I could get used to this!”
The feeling of the power was amazing. Who needs dreams when you have this? I thought. I yanked my hand aside and my victim was thrown against a tree, his bones cracking against it.
Turning, I saw Kylo Ren sprinting at me with his lightsaber drawn. I activated my own and blue light shot out from my hand. Walking slowly towards him, he flew at me and swung down. I deflected it with ease as bright sparks bounced around us. He swung again at my side, but I blocked it. Lights danced around us as the tools of death collided with each other. Then, I feinted a blow at his knee and went for his chest instead. He ducked under it and I sliced up the tree that had been my support before. I felt something inside me release. I felt the constraints around me unfold and suddenly, I surged with power.
And at that moment, nothing controlled me but Hatred alone.
I ripped the trunk that I had just dismembered out of the soil and chucked it at my opponent with the force of a battering ram. He caught it in the face and tumbled back as I leapt into the air with my lightsaber above my head. He rolled and I stabbed the place that he’d been a second ago. As Kylo got up in a hurry, I began to laugh horribly.
“You think you can beat me?!” I yelled in his face, “I have obtained the power of the Force with my own will! DO YOU THINK YOU CAN BEAT ME?”
I mercilessly swung at him left and right, over and up, tearing up trees and melting snow as it fell.
“HOW DO YOU LIKE THIS?” I screamed in his face. I pushed him back with my attacks and skinned his waist. He cried out and barely caught my next swing with the small plasma hilt of his weapon. Out of anger and complete insanity, I forced my blade through his stance and stabbed him straight through the heart as his lightsaber carved out another scar across my face. I screamed in pain and let go of the blade. Kylo, gasping, tried to grab the laser stuck inside of him, but only ended up losing his hand. He convulsed, his eyes wide open, staring at the sky, and lost all strength. He slumped, his eyes looking at the snow, blood soaking through his clothes.
I fell to my knees, exhausted and weak from pain, glad for it to be over. The night wore on and I collapsed onto my back, breathing heavily. Blood still rushing around in my head, it felt like everything became muted, I could only hear the beating of my heart. I started to laugh once again. Quiet, at first, then louder and louder until I was hearing the sound of a maniac.
“Rey! Haha! I beat him! I avenged you! I won’t run away anymore! I’ll stand and fight!” I yelled into the night, “Rey, are you dead?! HAHA! Of course you are! Why wouldn’t you be?”
And I laughed and laughed, projecting it over the tops of the trees as tears streamed down my face.
“Is my even name Finn?! Am I not FN 2187?! TELL ME! AM I FINN?”
I stopped raving and whispered to myself, “Am I… Finn?... What is my last name…? Who am I now?...”
After slowing my breathing, I finally picked myself off of the ground. The lightsaber was still stuck in the dead body of Rey’s killer. I walked over and looted both his and my lightsaber silently. Not even looking back once at Rey’s body, I stumbled away, holding both sabers in my hand. Two deep scars covered my face, the pain seeping into my body.
I am now alone.
I am not Finn.
I can’t be FN 2187 anymore.
I am the lone jedi.