Sure enough, Castle is awake and in the kitchen having coffee with himself. But he looks somber. Not the emotion she wanted to see after last night.
“Hey,” Kate says. “Penny for your thoughts?”
Her husband looks at her, smiles but there’s something. And that something he voiced out in a matter of seconds.
“We need to talk.”
It was curt, short. Angry even. She knew that the time would come but she didn’t think it was this fast.
“I know,” she answers. “But can we have breakfast first?”
“You can. I’m almost done.”
“Castle,” she starts.
“No,” Rick tells her. “You only get to speak when I ask you questions.”
She was surprised at his statement. He is usually not like this. She’s not used to this at all, well not after they became them. She nods, instead at him, signaling for him to start whatever he wants to say.
“What I told you in the interrogation room, that I’d walk into a tornado for you, is real,” he begins.
“And what I said…,” she started to say but he shut her down.
“No. I haven’t asked you something.”
She sits back, feeling small.
“I know I’ve voiced whatever I wanted to tell you yesterday but I want to reiterate,” Castle continues. “I’d walk into a tornado for you. That is how much I love you.”
She tries to look straight at him but she can’t. Her eyes start to fill with tears so she hangs her head instead, ashamed.
“I accepted you and forgave you for what you have done but that doesn’t mean that I’d forgotten. Not that easy, not that fast. Kate, you could’ve come to me.”
This time, fat tears start to flow on her cheeks. She hurt her husband this much. She can feel it now.
“I know that you’re afraid,” he says, getting up from his seat and sitting beside her. “But you could’ve come to me. You can run and you can hide and I know you’re brave but are you brave enough to take on this alone? Even with Vikram helping you out.”
She looks at him and shakes her head. No. She wants to touch him but she knows he isn’t finish. There is still so much he wants to say.
“I’m here, Kate. I’m always here,” Rick tells her. “You will never know if you don’t try asking me if I can do it.”
A sob escapes Beckett. She’s sitting here beside her husband, sobbing like a little child whose parents told her she cannot eat candies for a month.
“You know that whenever you feel that the world is collapsing, I’m standing right beside you,” Castle continues. “Everyone can lose their faith…”
“I didn’t…,” she tries again but he shushes her.
“I know. But, Kate, whatever happens, I have enough for us both.”
She chuckles at this. Even in the worst case scenarios he can make her laugh.
“Remember that I told you that you cannot leave behind what is always at your side?”
“Yeah,” she sniffles.
“I’m never, never, gonna leave your side. You can scream, fight, kick or try to push me away but I’m here to stay. That will never change.”
She smiles at him and he smiles back reassuringly.
“May I speak now?” she asks, unsure if she’s still not allowed.
“Yes you may,” he husband tells her, putting his hand over hers on the table.
“I know what I’ve put you through,” Kate begins. “I know I hurt you so much and I know that you know it hurt me, too. But, Castle…Rick. I only acted on instinct. Instinct that if I involve you in this case, I will lose you. I don’t want that to happen.”
She wipes away a rebel tear.
“I’m afraid that if I lose you I will lose myself. That I will be back in that rabbit hole not wanting to crawl back up.”
“But you’re crawling back in with whatever this case is about,” he tells her.
“The thought of you up there, reaching out for me, not letting me break is what keeps me from falling completely,” Beckett says.
Castle looks at her intently and reaches out to her and enveloping her in a tight embrace.
“I understand that,” he says and kisses her head. “But Kate, for whatever reason, you know very well that I can’t keep my eyes off of you. I want you safe and I will keep you safe when everyone else let you down. I did it before and I will do it again and again.”
She buries her face on his neck, fresh tears flowing again. She’s quiet when she cries, he notices. Her grief and agony in hurting him enough through these couple months past in her sobs is enough to forgive her more. He comforts her, shushes her gently like a child.
“Shh,” he tells her.
“I’m so sorry, Castle,” she replies, muffled, her face still buried on his neck.
Rick slowly pats her back and smooths her hair. She finds this action comforting but she still sobs.
“I’m so sorry,” she repeats, over and over again, like a mantra so that he will forgive her unto seventy times seven.
Castle pushes her away gently and wipes her tears off her face. Even without makeup, she’s so beautiful, glowing, luminescent.
“Hush, Kate,” Rick whispers. “I told you I’ve forgiven you. But what you did…”
“It won’t be forgotten,” she finishes for him. “And I’m not asking you to.”
She takes his hand and holds it in hers.
“Use it when I need reminding the repercussions of what I’d done,” she says. “To you and to Alexis and Martha.”
He takes her hand and puts it on his heart.
“I will,” he answers, blue eyes shining with love. “And promise me that you will always trust me in whatever you do.”
“I will,” she smiles and leans over to kiss him.
They are still holding hands when Kate muses that Rick should have just yelled at her because it would have made her feel better more than him just sitting there, calmly explaining and letting all his feelings out. When Castle asks her, she simply says,
“Dumbledore used it on Harry once and he thought that it would have been better. He was right. I never thought that having to sit down and talk to someone, just talk with no screaming matches, will be this agonising.”
Castle laughed at her reference but he knew that it would have indeed been better. The thing is, as were his countless discussions with Lucy, he cannot shout at his wife nor just completely ignore her even if that is what she wants. He’s too in love with her, an unconditional love that he probably didn’t feel before her.
Kate finishes her breakfast and the two of them goes to take a shower and perform their regular routine. After all, it’s another day and this time they’ll do it together.
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