It's been raining for two days.
Mugen and I have to stick it out in a cave that's not too far from the path that we were traveling on. The rains have knocked out the bridge we needed to cross. We're heading to Edo, I guess. I'm not sure why. Sometimes I forget we are even on a journey. It's not like we're traveling with a goal in mind. I'm not sure if Mugen ever has anything on his mind, anyway. Not anything appropriate that is. Ugh, sometimes he's just insufferable.
Outside, it seems that the storm is never going to end. The rain isn't cold though. It's that type of summer rain that makes you want to run around and dance. I wish I could but that would probably make Mugen think I am even more of a child than he does already. I think both of us are going a little crazy here waiting. He's acting really strange nowadays. Sometimes he ignores me for hours on end, running around jumping on rocks and swinging his sword at imaginary enemies. I guess he is practicing. Other times, when I am telling him a funny story I just thought of or when I am complaining about some thing or another, instead of his usual interjections or insulting jabs at my appearance or character he just looks at me. Like, really looks at me. It's almost frightening. Mugen is just too intense sometimes. But I do…I do like him anyway. Or maybe because of his…intenseness? I don't know, it's just a little girl's fantasy all the same. I used to think that maybe he returned at least some of my feelings because he did come back to the village after the three of us split. He came back...to see me.
But that is all he has done. No come-ons, no leers other than the typical hey-I'm-a-pervert-but-not-particularly-interested-in-you look that makes Mugen what he is. Nothing. I've been resigned to it for a while now. I guess he just missed someone to nag on him and travel with him. A little sister maybe?
That only hurts a little, when I think about it. I try not to. Because I already know the answer. What am I but a little girl to him? How could he ever look at me the way I want him too? I know I am not much to look at compared to all the floozies he usually gapes over, but...
Sheesh, all this thinking makes me restless. I've wanted to go outside all day. Maybe I'll risk Mugen making fun of me and just run around in the rain for a bit.
Reaching up to the sky, I watch the droplets trickle down my arm. My sleeve soaks up water and becomes a deeper pink. It's wonderful. I can twirl around out here forever, I feel so free.
Damn, damn, damn.
This is not how it should be. It's all wrong, all of it, from the start. She's bothered me from the start and no amount of fighting it or ignoring her is going to make it go away. That little bitch.
(That little bitch.) I've even started to handle those words with care, softly whispered in the dark, much like a caress that a man would never give to a woman, unless he really wanted to mess with her head when he left her the next morning. There's no end to the things that have changed. Or maybe I'm just now pickin' up the scent of it. Shit.
I still don't know why I came back and lifted her out of that town. I'm not taking her anywhere in particular. I don't have anywhere to take her. I got nothin'. I'm wasting her time and for what? A good fuck? Some memories that'll end soon enough? What then? A dirtied little whore is what she'll become. She'll live in some town and get stuck in some whorehouse for the rest of her life. But why the fuck do I care? Why the fuck have I started to care about shit like that?
Cause I know Fuu's no whore. Cause I know Fuu.
I hear her now, giggling, almost shrieking, just outside the entrance. (Move. Look. Breathe.)
I can see her. I see her.
She's soaked from the rain, water runnin' down her small body, kimono skin-tight, lips parted, breathless, fuck this, fuck this, she's lookin' at me with those eyes, that little bitch, fuck this I can't think…
And now I'm standing so close to her that I can smell her scent, I can see the little water droplets running down her face, her big eyes staring at me like I might eat her up. Fuck, I just might. I want her pinned up against those rocks and I want her looking at me like that while I…(Breathe. Fuu, you little bitch, do you see what you have done to me?)
Slowly, her hands reach up and touch my chest and I shudder. So fucking light. She is barely touching me but..I…I can… (her sleeve is brushing up against my skin, her lips part, and her eyes…her eyes…)
I can see my reflection in her eyes. (Monster. You're a god damned monster.)
I have never fucking owned a good thing in my life. I'm not gonna start now.
I push Fuu away from me (careful, careful) and leave her, but I can't see shit cause of the rain. God damn the rain. It lies. Even after you wash away all this grime I'm still the same.